Misbehaving at daycare

[redheadbaker]

DS' teacher notified FI at pickup that DS (almost 4 years old) has been misbehaving at daycare -- ignoring her directions, not sharing, and getting physical with his classmates (mostly shoving). It's him and a few other boys acting up. It usually happens during free play (recess), and the teachers make them sit down if they act up.

We plan to take away privileges at home if this behavior continues. For example, FI plans to take DS to an insect museum tomorrow, but only if he behaves at daycare today.

Any other suggestions? There is only one class for his age range, so they can't separate the boys.

[asoctoberfalls]

Ugh. It is such a tough thing to deal with! We use sticker charts, and it's the only thing that has sort of helped. We break the day up into 6 segments, and he gets a sticker for each segment. For my son at least, I've found it's really hard for him to behave a whole day. Breaking it up into chunks of time is much more manageable. DS seems to lack the ability to realize that his behavior today at daycare will result in the removal of privileges tomorrow, so taking away the bug museum wouldn't really be a consequence that would work for my son. But perhaps it would work for yours. My kid needs more immediate punishment and/or reward. That's why the stickers work well for him, I think.

Good luck. It's hard being the parent of "that" kid.

[anaps28]

We went through this as well. DS is almost 4.5 and we have just hit a sweet spot I think- but from March to July of this year it was SO hard.
Listen and DO became our mantra with him. Immediate consequences and rewarding good behavior. See if the daycare teacher will help re enforce the reward system.
I know it's really hard when the boys are with each other all the time but maybe when they do activities they can try and keep them separate?
DS is easily distracted by other kids acting out. He will fall off the wagon so he needs lots of reminders from the teachers.

[jeaniebueller]

I don't condone the way he is acting, but a lot of that is age "appropriate" acting out and it sounds like daycare is imposing an immediate consequence, so to me, trying to do a consequence after school may not be effective at that age. I would just talk up behavior expectations in the morning and maybe tell him that if he gets a good report, you will do XYZ/treat/fun thing after school and if not, you won't.

[hermione]

I agree that punishing twice is not the way to go. I'd let DC impose appropriate consequences for misbehaving and implement a reward chart at home. One week of good behavior for a small reward, one month of good behavior for a more substantial one.

[redheadbaker]

Thanks for the suggestions! I'll talk with FI when I get home.

[arch01]

I think a lot of it is kid dependent. Our DC teachers and I all got on the same page (I talked to DH about it afterward, but I become the default parent on issues since I'm the one picking DS up and have to deal with the teachers) regarding rewards/consequences, things got a lot better.

For example: DS was acting up at nap time. DC did their part in figuring out why he was having the issue and possible things they could do to curb it. They spoke to me about what we could do at home to encourage good behavior-he has his star chart (which specifically says "I was quiet at nap time") and they are familiar with his beloved stuffed animals and they have my blessing to take one away. It may be a delayed consequence-but DS definitely understood it. We'd talk about it when I picked him up and then again at bedtime.

Maybe we're lucky in DS' class-he has some fantastic teachers that really try hard to deal with the issues and figure out the root cause. There are a few other trouble makers in DS' class and they will do some individual consequences as needed since they found that consequence A for kid Y doesn't necessarily work for kid Z.

And remember-a lot of it right now is the lack of impulse control. He may know shoving is wrong-but doesn't necessarily have the capacity to make a good decision at this age.

[Alyssa]

I think it's good to get a heads up from the DC teacher about the behavior but I think at this age, consequences work best immediately following the action...not 3-5 hours after the fact. My 3.5yo son wouldn't be able to draw a line between what he did at noon that day and a consequence for it at 5pm when I picked him up.....you know what I'm saying? I think that needs to happen when they are older. I know my 5 year old would be able to recall something she did and understandling later that it's not a good idea.

Also, a DC should be more than equipped to deal with behavior problems in small children. They are around them all day long and should have a system already put in place to handle children being rough with one another.