Adoption gurus- I need advice

[HiC]

From my experience here in my state, I don't think she can direct her your way until you are a licensed foster family. Until you are that, they will place the infant (if s/he is taken from the mother) into a licensed home where they are already registered as a foster to adopt family. Adopting through DCFS is a long process with absolutely no guarantees. Good luck.  Is your friend a SW for DCFS?

[cabbagecabbage]

I am not a guru but I am a prospective foster/foster to adopt parent. In my state, if you aren't a kinship placent, you would need to be licensed as a foster parent to foster. In my state, you would have no claim to this child but, perhaps, the birthmother could request you as a guardian. The idea of "convincing" her at any level makes me uncomfortable. Adoption is either the birthparents selecting you or it's you being a foster parent with the goal of reunification, which is always the goal of fostering, and that can become adoption if the parents do not work their plan. This seems the a murky middle ground that doesn't really exist.

[HiC]

It can take families up to 3 years to have their foster-to-adoptions finalized and sometimes they get that far and the child goes back to the birth mom or family member. There are never any guarantees in adoption, no matter what kind you do.

[thedutchgirl]

Different state, but my friend did public adoption, and she was only willing to take placement of a child after the birth parents' parental rights had already been terminated. Her son was 10 months old when he came to her. There was some drama with the adoption unrelated to the birth parents, but that was a weird situation.

California may be different, but I suspect you would be able to choose to only take in a child that didn't have a risk of parental reunification. That may not work in the situation you've described with this child, but it might help if you want to do adoption generally. I believe you generally need to have a home study, and be licensed to foster, regardless of public or private adoption in most states.

[HiC]

Aug 29, 2015 18:12:33 GMT -5 elle said:

Aug 29, 2015 18:07:39 GMT -5 HiC said:

It can take families up to 3 years to have their foster-to-adoptions finalized and sometimes they get that far and the child goes back to the birth mom or family member. There are never any guarantees in adoption, no matter what kind you do.

So, basically, if M won't agree to adoption, the absolute best case scenario is we would do foster to adopt with all associated risks? CPS doesn't give the birth parent the ability to choose where the child goes if she knows she can't keep it, do they?

The mom will probably have no influence at all unless you are a blood relative, but definitely check into that.  Call DCFS and talk to the person in charge of the licensing class.  They should give you some idea of what your situation would entail.   When we were getting our license, there was a woman in class with us who was planning on adopting her son's best friend.  She wasn't a blood relative, but the boy was a teen.   Good luck.

[mudslide]

No advice. Best of luck. Please keep us updated

[cabbagecabbage]

Aug 29, 2015 18:04:49 GMT -5 elle said:

Yeah, in this situation "convincing" is a good thing.

While this child should have someone to love it and deserves a good live, you trying to convince a birthmother to relinquish legal rights is unethical, period. She has legal rights to try and fix her life if the baby is taken by the state. She has the right to choose any adoptive family she wants if she decides on adoption. That's what I mean.

[cabbagecabbage]

Aug 29, 2015 18:33:32 GMT -5 elle said:

Aug 29, 2015 18:31:08 GMT -5 cabbagecabbage said:

While this child should have someone to love it and deserves a good live, you trying to convince a birthmother to relinquish legal rights is unethical, period. She has legal rights to try and fix her life if the baby is taken by the state. She has the right to choose any birthmother she wants if she decides on adoption. That's what I mean.

I've never spoken to the woman, so I am not doing anything of the sort. Any convincing is being done by her family, who - shockingly- seem to have a good reason for it.

Your heart is in the right place but tread lightly. I'm not trying to flame you but this type of situation is very contentious in adoption circles. I truly hope the right child finds your family. Good luck.

[cookies]

No advice either, but I hope that this baby ends up in a safe and loving home. Best of luck to you.

[messykitchen]

I am a birth mom, who chose my daughters parents. I don't think any way of finding a child a stable, loving home is wrong. Elle, if you decide to pursue a more traditional route at some point, if ever (for lack of a better term) I would be glad to share my experiences with you.

Adoption is selfless no matter how it happens.

[fryjack2]

The part of what you wrote that made me uncomfortable was the money talk. That seems like it could potentially be problematic but I think since the mom (from what others have said) won't be able to pick who the baby goes to, it won't be part of the equation. But I'm not sure why your friend mentioned it then?

I wish you the best of luck in sorting through the adoption or foster to adopt process. It would be great if this child were to be adopted by you and your H. It would be nice for the baby to grow up knowing a sibling and have a living stable home.

[ninjabridemom]

I'm having trouble getting past the "abetting a rapist" piece of this. I hope it's open/shut for cps and i hope this baby gets a stable loving home not with this woman. I agree the money issue is icky but it doesn't even sound like that's on your radar at all, which is good.

I think honestly adoption and fostering is messy even in the best case scenarios. It's painful for all involved. But the goal is what's best for the child so i think as long as everyone focuses on that i think it will be okay.

Good luck Elle. I love the thought of you as a mother and know you'll find your good fit whenever it's time for you guys.

[rightawaynow]

I don't have much practical advice that hasn't been given already, but rather some honest feedback based on my experience. I was an emergency foster parent, meaning I took children for short term placements mainly when there was an emergency removal the placements were usually short term. I had to have home visits, take parenting classes a background check and agree to follow certain parenting guidelines dictated by cps (no spanking, no pictures on social media, all caregivers other than myself and exh had to be approved by cps, child could not be taken out of the state without prior approval, etc.). Which meant even if I had every intention of adopting and making a child and making them family, I couldn't leave them with grandma for a quick trip to the store and if we wanted to go away overnight or something, they would have had to stay with another approved foster family. What cps asked me to agree to parenting wise was pretty much in line with what I would have done as a parent anyway, but it takes away a lot of autonony and if the intention is to adopt, hinders the ability of extended family to bond with the child the way they normally would.

I once fostered an infant that was taken from the mother in the hospital because she tested positive for crack, cocaine and heroin. The baby spent two weeks in hospital while she went through withdrawals and then came to stay with me and my exh. She startled easily, was sensitive to light and sound, as she got older she got overwhelmed by eye contact, loud noises and bright light. She had difficulty eating and gaining weight, was extremely difficult to sooth, and had a lot of trouble bonding. The mother completed a 30 day treatment program and the baby was returned to her. It was removed again three months later and placed with the paternal grandparents. They were wonderful people who did everything they could, but the baby was diagnosed with failure to thrive. She is 7 now, she is profoundly delayed both physically and cognitively. Most of her delays were probably the result of prenatal drug exposure.

Being a foster parent is a great thing and I found it very rewarding, however I think it would have been extremely hard if I was using it as a way to ultimately adopt. If this woman has lost children due to drug use before, its probably a very real possibility that this baby has been exposed in utero. I certainly don't doubt you could handle it, just wanted to share my experience because the effects on the infant I fostered were way more profound than I would have ever imagined.

[speckledfrog]

Aug 29, 2015 19:35:55 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Sushi and lunch meat are a consideration for avoiding a potential birth mother?

Whut?

I hope you have a successful adoption journey, but I think you have some more research to do on pregnancy.

Of all the things to glom on to, Autumn.

[Deleted]

Aug 29, 2015 19:38:33 GMT -5 Queen Dick, Hibernating Bear said:

Opiates don't concern you? For a baby? Okee dokie.

There are not any proven long term adverse health affects, so no, it is certainly not going to keep me from adopting an otherwise healthy child.

[slcjess]

I don't live in California so it obviously could b very different but if she has already had children removed from her care, cps may be working with her already. My sil fostered 2 boys whose mom was pregnant and cps had already basically told her she would not be keeping the baby (I guess?). She told them she wanted to give the baby to the family that had her boys, so my sil adopted the baby. The boys ended up going back to her a few weeks before the baby got here, it was definitely not as bad of a situation as the one you are dealing with. Could your friend maybe talk to Ms dad (her uncle?) and see if maybe cps is already involved and she's maybe just in denial? Also, you may not know or want to answer but how far along is she? If cps is already involved it's possible she may come around and agree to relinquish her rights? I don't know. Good luck. It sounds like it was a really horrible situation for those 5 children, my heart just aches.

eta: holy wall o text, sorry! On my phone

[Deleted]

Aug 29, 2015 19:49:25 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Aug 29, 2015 19:40:59 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Of all the things to glom on to, Autumn.

That's kind of my point....

It was sarcasm Autumn.

[WOT?*]

I'll add my two cents as a foster-to-adopt in WA rather than CA.

In WA, the mother *does* have the option to request placement, but the potential placement has to agree. You don't have to be licensed for a kinship placement. If you are not related, you do need to be licensed and that has to happen before the placement. If you're not licensed before the baby is born, you're SOL and the baby goes to a licensed home.  And it's not a "days or weeks" process to get licensed.  It takes months; mine was almost a year and I was an approved placement already. 

My daughter wanted the girls placed with XH and not with me, at her request. DSHS/CPS wasn't even allowed to speak with me unless she, as bio-mom with parental rights, okayed it first. While the rights are not terminated, parental rights are definitely considered, if not given primary importance.

I didn't *have* to get licensed as a kinship placement but I did go through the process. It was not a walk in the park, and they made it easy on me since I was already a relative caregiver. There are checkboxes upon checkboxes that need to be completed. Food, housing (regular bedroom checks), safety walkthroughs, medication checks - a lot of nitpicking you don't even think about. Then there were required classes we had to take (40 hours of licensing education, 8 of CPR/airborne infections training, etc. and you need continued education if the license needs to be continued.) And with infant placement there are even more hoops than with older children. After placement there are court hearings, GAL visits (at least quarterly), caseworker visits (monthly for *each* type of caseworker involved), regular medical visits, and so forth.  We had to get parental and caseworker approval for any visits longer than overnight, and court approval for out of state.  Leaving the country was not permitted (you may be able to with approval and lots and lots of red tape if it's not against state law in CA.  In WA, since they are wards of the court, they were not permitted to leave the country and could only leave the state with court approval.)  If you need a babysitter, that person needs to be licensed and approved for the care of infants.  Respite care for a few hours to overnight or short-term may be available through the state registry.

Also, you don't need to be licensed in both counties.  Your house is licensed and approved in the county in which you live.  The placement county has to approve their approval; they generally work as a tag-team.  The child will have a Shasta County caseworker (or a few of them) who will work in conjunction with caseworkers in your county so they don't have to travel for site visitations.  However, if the mom's rights are not terminated, you (or the baby at least) will have to travel to her to give her visitation if she's requesting it.  The state will reimburse mileage and if you can't take the baby to mom, they will provide a supervisor with transportation.  But you will *have* to consent to the visitation.  As a foster parent, you don't have rights.  You're a placeholder and caretaker.

I haven't done infant fostering or fostering of children with needs (and from what I gather this will be a drug-addicted child) but my brother has. Each of his kids were FAS babies, never mind the complications of a heroin baby. I've talked with my SIL and the things she's had to deal with as FAS babies are stressful and time-consuming.  While the girls are doing well now (they're teens now), it's been a long road to make sure they got there.  This baby, if mom has been on heavy drugs consistently, *will* have health issues. This won't be an easy fix, now or in the future.

On the regular adoption route: the girls' older brother was adopted into a loving home by a family she was able to pick from a registry. They took him home from the hospital when he was born and have been amazing parents for twelve years now. (It's an open adoption so we see each other and talk on the phone/Skype.)  So much less complicated.

[Jalapeñomel]

No advice, but just wanted to say good luck elle on whatever you decide.

[Elsa]

elle, I know a few months back you thought you might be pg. Are y'all still trying? I think it's been a while since you said you were starting.... Have you done any testing?

I've wondered about y'all a bit since you haven't said much since the possible bfp. I wish you luck in whatever avenue you pursue.