Post by compassrose on Aug 29, 2015 20:57:25 GMT -5
Good luck! It sounds like you are doing all the right things to be able to make a considered and thoughtful decision once you are able to process things.
That being said, please take suesue's advice and make sure your financial ducks are in a row so you are protected no matter which decision you make.
It's incredibly difficult and you don't know anything more than what you have read on here. She is allowed to take her time and work through her feelings.
you're right and I don't mean to come across as an ass. I have not been in this situation but it's very reminiscent of a close family member. I also worked at strip clubs for years and feel like I really know this type of guy/seen similar situations so many times.
If this is you not trying to come across like an ass, try harder.
If this is you not trying to come across like an ass, try harder.
her husband is a giant dick and he'll never change. I'm not the ass here. He is, and now it looks like she is too.
No, she's not. You are. Calling someone "an ass" who is vulnerable and in pain because they aren't acting as you think that you would in the same situation is dick behavior of the highest order. You're not the almighty puppetmaster nor is she your unruly child. Either be helpful and stop acting like an ass, since ALLEGEDLY you weren't trying to be, or shut up.
Sorry to hijack, AE. This fuckery couldn't go without comment.
No, she's not. You are. Calling someone "an ass" who is vulnerable and in pain because they aren't acting as you think that you would in the same situation is dick behavior of the highest order. You're not the almighty puppetmaster nor is she your unruly child. Either be helpful and stop acting like an ass, since ALLEGEDLY you weren't trying to be, or shut up.
Sorry to hijack, AE. This fuckery couldn't go without comment.
At least the drama in my thread provides a good distraction from my own life.
I do appreciate the concern. Different perspectives are helpful. As for the some of the other remarks here, those just serve as a good reminder of why I made the right decision in limiting who I discussed this issue with in real life, and it tells me I chose the right people to share this with.
I also thank those of you who have offered practical advice. I am educated on the financial and legal risks here, as well as my rights. I don't mess around on that stuff.
I am glad to hear your update. I just wanted to add my support for individual therapy for you as well. Please continue with counseling, individually and jointly, so he can learn how to deal with his outside stressors without having to resort to cheating, you can learn to note the signs so you're never in this situation again, and you can decide whether it's truly a situation you can live with and when you'll be able to trust him, and in him, again without that niggling questioning you'll have in the back of your mind for the foreseeable future, and all the checking and double-checking you feel you have to do just for your own peace of mind.
Another vote for survivinginfidelity for support of those who have been in this situation.
You don't need to make any decisions immediately. Some marriages can survive infidelity and some cannot due to the broken trust. Everyone is different. I hope for you good wishes and for you to know you did nothing to deserve this. Stay strong.
I wish the best for you. You sound like you are dealing with this so well and with a clear head! The only person who can make this decision is you - it's your life and you need to be happy.
I just can't help but want to punch him. If the stress earlier was so bad that it led him to cheat but the stress now leads him to be a better man and fight for your relationship. Then why didn't he just do that in the first place? I am glad he is being transparent and I hope you both get what you need from therapy.
Post by mrsukyankee on Aug 30, 2015 8:28:16 GMT -5
I wish you the best of luck and a really, really good therapist. Even if you do decide to leave him, ultimately taking your time to work through this will be a good thing for you. You will learn a lot about yourself, your needs, how to deal with stressors and how to better communicate.
It's a decision only you can make, and definitely be careful about who you tell IRL (as you already mentioned you are ). I truly wish you all the best.
I wish you all the best. Stay alert and try to focus on protecting yourself and your future, in whichever way is best for you. Take care, and reach out whenever you want.
I stayed in my marriage long enough to know I had done everything I could to make it work. I would never have been able to live with and forgive myself otherwise. I also learned that nothing is black and white and you truly don't know what you'll do in a situation until you're actually in it.
As long as you are taking care of yourself and soon what you need to do, that's all that matters. Know we're to support in whatever you decide is best for you.
Post by pegasuskat on Aug 30, 2015 14:29:12 GMT -5
I hope you just continue to concentrate on taking care of yourself. I think limiting who knows for now is a wise decision: if you stay together some of your family and friends could make it hard on you if they don't agree.
Just please be careful, it sounds like you are trying to do the right thing for you. I'm not sure I could forgive the affair with your friend, if you can your husband needs to really appreciate you, your a very strong person. He is getting a chance that he really doesn't deserve, he needs to be thankful for that!
Post by formerlyak on Aug 31, 2015 17:09:26 GMT -5
Thanks for the update. A few thoughts:
1. Tell him you want passwords for all old email addresses also; not just the one he currently uses. That is what my ex used to communicate with other women.
2. Re-read Sue Sue's advice and really be sure your finances are set and you have alerts set up (even consider Life Lock or some similar service if you can swing the fee). You don't want to get screwed financially. I know right now he looks to be remorseful and you want in your heart to believe you will be able to work through this, but I have seen it happen with friends that he acts nice until he sets himself up financially, screwing her.
3. Keep both eyes open. Listen to what is actually being said in therapy, not what you want to hear. Good example - when ex and I were in therapy, he said to the therapist "She (meaning me) isn't happy all the time and when she is unhappy, I am unhappy (mind you I had just had a miscarriage). In marriage, I think you should be happy all the time." To which the therapist said, "You will never find a marriage where both parties are happy all the time. That marriage does not exist." At the time, I heard it as "Oh, how sweet. He really does care. It makes him unhappy when I am sad." In reality, what I should have heard is what the therapist was pointing out - his expectations of marriage are unrealistic.
4. Don't talk bad about your husband to friends and family right now. If you do end up working things out, you don't want them to know all the ins and outs because then you will both have to prove to them why you working things out was a good thing. Keep it as "we are having issues and working through things." It is your business. Not anyone else's. If you work things out you don't want to have to answer the flurry of questions along the lines of, "How could you stay with him after what he did?"
Post by sweetbrier on Aug 31, 2015 18:25:09 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're in this position, but I'm glad you're at a place where you feel safe to work through the process.
I've been in a similar situation...a lot of stress and my husband shut down and ended up having an emotional and sexual affair with a coworker. For me, knowing he was using the affair as a shitty coping mechanism meant that he could either learn from it or he could just keep distracting himself and taking the easy way. He went to therapy for a little while and it took a year and a half for us to even really start working on our relationship. He lacked a lot of the skills needed to be successful, but he has learned a ton about relationships and what they really take...by experience. Really shitty experiences. It sucked a lot. We are in a much better place two years later, but still working on the new foundation we need. We talked so much and were on a roller-coaster before we even got to the point we could build a new foundation. If we didn't have kids, I wouldn't have put in the time and effort as he learned relationship skills, because it took him a very long time. He has a ton of redeeming qualities as a husband and father, but he had so much baggage and walls up.
It's painful and a huge challenge, but that he's doing the work is important. Therapy is important even if you divorce, so it can be as amicable as possible. It will never be the same and boundaries will change if you both move forward, but it doesn't mean it can't be a really rewarding relationship again.