Need advice -- bro and money LONG

[mishap]

So my brother (37) just received notice that he was being laid off in two weeks. Back story: He’s been chronically unemployed by both his own doing (not being able to get to work on time) and because of the awful economy. This has gone on and off for the past seven years or so, with him being completely out of work for two years at one point. The job he just lost is one he’s had for 9 months, which is really, really long time for him to keep something.

He suffers from a variety of mental illnesses, including severe OCD, so life is not easy for him. He also has extremely poor social skills and some of the family suspects he may have Asperger’s. As a result, he can be extremely difficult to spend time with because he’s often blunt to the point of being a jerk. Or he’ll do something gross like take his shoes and socks off at a party and walk around with his nasty, unclipped toenails showing. Or hover over someone eating and ask if they’re going to finish that.

He lives in a very HCOL area and will not be able to afford his apartment for much longer. My mom, who is on disability, has been giving him money in the past so he can still live there, but she’s pretty much drained her savings to support him. He called me and said he knows she doesn’t have any money left, and he was hinting around for me to give him money.

I’m sure I will get flamed for this, but I fluctuate between sympathy for him for not being to keep a job to anger and frustration because he refuses to apply to jobs that (in my opinion) would be a better fit for him. He shoots extremely high – big-name law firms (he’s a paralegal), which he’ll last for just a few weeks before he’s fired or laid off.

The job that just laid him off has been giving him warning for months (at least six) that they were going to do it. They obviously felt bad for him (they’re going to keep paying his health insurance even after he’s gone), but I’m furious because we’ve been telling him he needs to start looking for another job immediately. I completely understand that looking for a new job is draining, frustrating, and hard. But I’m angry that he didn’t take advantage of their warning and is now back where he was nine months ago.

I don’t have a ton of money to give him, and I sure don’t have money to give him every month. But his only other option is to move in with my mom, and she does NOT want that, which is why she had been giving him money every month. But I know her savings are gone, and pretty soon that is going to become my problem regardless.

Any advice would be really appreciated. I’m sorry this is so long, and thank you if you even made it to the end.

[ECB]

The guy is never going to fend for himself if people keep saving him. Your mom, you, etc. At MOST, I'd give him money ONCE to keep him afloat while he finds a job and finds a cheaper place to live.

At most.

But i wouldn't fault you for saying "sorry- can't help you" either.

[Deleted]

At most I'd pay his rent for 1 month, but it sounds like he needs to use his health insurance to get some counseling!

[mishap]

Aug 21, 2012 8:47:17 GMT -5 flygirl said:

At most I'd pay his rent for 1 month, but it sounds like he needs to use his health insurance to get some counseling!

He does, thankfully. He's on a variety of medications and sees a psychiatrist, and I'm so thankful that his job is going to keep paying his insurance for at least a while.

[lys]

Is he getting help for his mental health issues and following thru?

[shopgirl07]

At 37 if he hasn't figured out how to hold a job, he's not going to. At least on his own.

Giving him more money will be a small bandaid on a giant wound. Have you ever had a come to jesus meeting with him? Addressed his social issues and what's holding him back from keeping a job? Maybe it's time to lay it all out and help him formulate some kind of plan that will work for him. Law firms and/or corporate america might not be right for him.

[mishap]

Aug 21, 2012 9:14:51 GMT -5 shopgirl07 said:

At 37 if he hasn't figured out how to hold a job, he's not going to. At least on his own.

Giving him more money will be a small bandaid on a giant wound. Have you ever had a come to jesus meeting with him? Addressed his social issues and what's holding him back from keeping a job? Maybe it's time to lay it all out and help him formulate some kind of plan that will work for him. Law firms and/or corporate america might not be right for him.

I have done this and have been accused of thinking he's a loser. Because, apparently, only losers work at places like fast food joints or Home Depot. His biggest aspiration, since he was a little kid, is to be a millionaire.

[casmgn]

The best thing you could do for him would be to help him navigate applying for the social services he might qualify for - housing, food stamps, welfare, etc.

With his mental illnesses, depending on the services available in your county, he may qualify for even more services. Contact his local NAMI or MHA chapter, and they may be able to help guide you.

[ECB]

Aug 21, 2012 9:20:49 GMT -5 mishap said:

I have done this and have been accused of thinking he's a loser. Because, apparently, only losers work at places like fast food joints or Home Depot. His biggest aspiration, since he was a little kid, is to be a millionaire.

Yeah, because only winners rely on their mommy to support them.

Sorry - this sucks.

[casmgn]

Also, you need to get into counseling yourself to learn how to deal with him. It can be exhausting, frustrating, and soul-sucking to deal with a family member with an "active" mental illness, and you need to learn methods to cope and react.

[shopgirl07]

Aug 21, 2012 9:20:49 GMT -5 mishap said:

Aug 21, 2012 9:14:51 GMT -5 shopgirl07 said:

At 37 if he hasn't figured out how to hold a job, he's not going to. At least on his own.

Giving him more money will be a small bandaid on a giant wound. Have you ever had a come to jesus meeting with him? Addressed his social issues and what's holding him back from keeping a job? Maybe it's time to lay it all out and help him formulate some kind of plan that will work for him. Law firms and/or corporate america might not be right for him.

I have done this and have been accused of thinking he's a loser. Because, apparently, only losers work at places like fast food joints or Home Depot. His biggest aspiration, since he was a little kid, is to be a millionaire.

I'm sorry. I know someone else who's going through almost the exact same situation. And one thing that struck me is that she's truly tortured by the situation with her brother. She's so worried all the time and stressed that he'll be homeless, etc. But her brother doesn't seem to mind putting her through this. He doesn;t mind demanding money and other things from her. She'll give and he'll tell her what she gave is not good enough.

I would be more than willing to help my brother out of a tough situation but I'd have to know that he would do the same for me and that he truly cared for my well-being (emotional, physical and financial) as much as I cared for his.

There are no easy answers but I think it might be time that your bro figure it our for himself. You can offer to help him apply for programs, or help with his resume, etc. But bailing him out financially doesn't help him and might ruin you.

[SusanBAnthony]

If he has aspergers, it isn't r.ly a matter of him being lazy/enabled, et.c. 90% of adults with aspergers are unemployed and it isn't because they are all lazy. It also isn't a problem that is ever going to go away.

I personally would suggest starting the process of getting him evaluated and if he does have ads, exploring your options for applying for disability, etc. it doesn't matter if he is smart enough to do the job, if he lacks the life skills to back that up, it won't help.

Good luck, it really really sucks. I am sorry you are dealing with this. In terms of what to do about the current situation, unless your mom had some compelling reason. Not to let him live with her, I think she needs to suck it up and deal. She of course didn't expect to have to still be parenting an adult child, which is reasonable of course, but given how I'll he sounds based on your description, I do not think her job is done yet. That doesn't mean going on like this forever, it means getting him some help.

[mishap]

Thanks for the advice everyone. My mom is disabled, and I think she's terrified of my brother turning her home into the hoarders-like place that he currently lives in. He lives in squalor, and I don't blame her for not wanting to live like that, and she's not strong enough (emotionally and physically) to necessarily keep it from happening.

I brought up the idea of him going on disability to my mom just now, and she claims it's not even nearly enough for someone to live on. I don't know if that's true, but I will look into it. I honestly can't imagine my brother ever going along with any of it, though -- he really considers himself able to be a captain of industry, for lack of a better term.

Does anyone know much about the civil service exam or the different types? That was an idea that she had.

[SusanBAnthony]

Well, if he refuses, there is isn't much you can do, and you don't need to feel guilty.

I would suggest that you go to the special needs board on the bump, and page auntie. Ask her opinion. She has a high school grad son with ASD, and is extremely well versed in the services available to special needs kids and add
TS. She can probably at least point you in the right direction.

SSDI is definitely not a ton of money, but probably enough if he is very frugal in a lcol, or if he also qualifies for section 8 housing, etc.

[insominac]

I have a friend with a remarkably similar situation, except my friend has been unemployed/underemployed for 4 years and hasnt gotten any help for her probable mental issues. She was recently evicted from her manhattan apartment and is now homeless. She wanted me and others to sign a paper saying we'd be responsible for $650 of her rent. I refused. Good luck - you're in for a long road.

[statlerwaldorf]

Disability isn't enough to live on. It took a very long time to get my MIL on disability just to even get her set up with the SSI doctors. It took another couple of years to get housing. A lot of low income housing complexes only accept elderly residents. It is hard to find a place for disabled adults. He needs to get started on it regardless. I can't imagine they are going to pay his healthcare costs forever and at the very least it sounds like he could really benefit from the medical aspects of disability.

I wouldn't give him any money. It won't do any good. He will be in the same situation next month.

[mishap]

Aug 21, 2012 11:20:41 GMT -5 sxia said:

Hugs to you. My brother is exactly the same. He has been out of work for almost two years now. The idea that your brother held a job for 9 months at a PARALEGAL office sounds great. My brother usually does admin stuff. I think he has Asperger's too. He is a genius at history, the constitution, etc, but is exactly the same re: toenails/flipflops, not seeing when anyone else could use a hand. He doesn't see any other social clues. He's even said, "That sounds exactly like me" when it comes to Asperger's syndrome, but he then says, "But I don't want to label myself." I have never *given* my brother money, but I've loaned him money (and then had to come track down the repayment). My parents give my bro $$ too out of their retirement. He's currently trying to get a job at H.&R. Block, because he's great at repetitive tasks and money and facts. I don't blame your mom. My Dad has put his foot down and said bro is "never moving back in with us." (Bro is 40.)

If you want to help him look for a job, that's fine, but make sure he does some work too.

Yep, this sounds exactly like him. The H&R Block idea sounds interesting -- I think that might be a good idea to look into.

Oh, and did I mention that he has about $20,000 in credit card debt and has filed for bankruptcy twice? Ugh.

[mollybrown]

I think a lot of these responses are harsh given that your brother has a host of mental health issues and possibly autism. Tough love isn't necessarily enough. I wouldn't give him money, but I also would not chalk his issues up to laziness. Maybe you can get his permission to speak to his psychiatrist? I don't have any great advice, but maybe his psychiatrist has some insight. He may need to retrain for a simpler career more suited to his skills if he wants to keep a job long term.

[mishap]

Sxia, it's definitely exhausting. And I know it stresses my mom out. I like the idea of phrasing his job change as a "retraining" of his skills. He is not in the right industry at all, and he keeps trying to do it anyway. It's hard to empathize with him when he sees many industries as being "beneath him."