Pity party, party of one

[ECB]

This happened at Back to School night, so it's mom related. 

I have a friend, Jane.  She's one of a few from the neighborhood.  Our kids are friends, all the parents get along, etc.  I love my neighborhood, the socialness of it, etc.  Her family along w/ ours and about 3 others belong to the same pool so we spend a lot of time together over the summer.

Anyhow, tonight was back to school night.  I had texted Jane last night to see if she and her DH wanted a ride over.  She replied no thanks, that she and DH might go out for a drink afterwards.  a mini date night.  Totally cool. 

I'm sitting behind her tonight.  I ask her if they are going out for a drink.  Just conversational.  She says she hasn't even asked her DH yet.  Oh, ok.  Whatever.

We all go do the classroom visit.  Afterwards, I'm walking with her (our kids are in the same class).  We run into another neighbor mom, Mary.  Mary says to Jane/us that she has to go to her other kids class but once they're done - if she and her DH feel up to it, they'll come out for a drink.  She'll text.  

Um.... Ok.  

I say nothing. Keep walking.  When we get to the lobby, Jane is all "Oh, yeah, I think we're going out for a drink. Do you all want to come?".  DH said no - he has to work tonight.  Then as we leave, I see Jane and her DH and another neighbor couple head off and I see them all drive off the same direction (opposite of where we live).

SO.  The older, mature side of me says to just chill.  I DO respect that they are allowed to socialize w/o us.  If she wants to go out w/ just 2 other couples, she's allowed that.  I REALLY do want to be mature and rational about it.

BUT I feel like she lied to me.  I realize that I kind of put her on the spot by asking if they wanted to ride together.   But to tell me it was a date night thing and then tonight, to tell me that she hadn't even talked to her DH about it when just minutes later it's CLEAR that they've made plans not just w/ each other but w/ other people too.....  

I really just feel lied to.  THAT'S what is upsetting me.  

Now, of course, when I think "Well ,what could she have said that wouldn't feel like a lie", I don't know. I realize I unwittingly put her in an awkward spot.  But damn.  It was still a bit of a punch to the gut.  

[soso]

I'm totally with you and understand... and would feel the same most likely. However, I frequently "make plans" for a date night and forget to follow up with my h and then something else comes up... and we go do that... if that's any consolation.

[ECB]

Sept 1, 2015 20:40:59 GMT -5 soso said:

I'm totally with you and understand... and would feel the same most likely. However, I frequently "make plans" for a date night and forget to follow up with my h and then something else comes up... and we go do that... if that's any consolation.

That I could totally see - it's just that Mary clearly knew about these plans before tonight.    She didnt' invite Mary last minute.  

[robyn]

My feelings would be hurt too. Being/feeling left out is tough.

[cjeanette]

That is weird. Them hanging out without you...not weird. Them hanging out without you after a group function you were all going to be at...weird.

I would distance myself from her. People who are exclusive like that are too exhausting and what good is a friend who doesn't feel genuine?

[Velar Fricative]

I'm sorry. I'd be upset.

[ECB]

Sept 1, 2015 20:44:30 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

That is weird. Them hanging out without you...not weird. Them hanging out without you after a group function you were all going to be at...weird.

I would distance myself from her. People who are exclusive like that are too exhausting and what good is a friend who doesn't feel genuine?

Yeah, this too!  I woudln't have planned an exclusive thing when there would be a BUNCH of us around.  Especially Mary who is a very "let's include everyone!" person.  It would NEVER occur to her that Jane wouldn't have invited me.

We'll see how this shakes out.  I don't want to let this affect our friendship overall but right now - I feel like just taking a step back.  

[Jalapeñomel]

That sucks.

[spk926]

I would be hurt too. I'm sorry.

[miniroller]

It's gotta be your H; no way is it you, ECB!!! (Or at least that's what I'd tell myself in the moment) Try really hard not to think about this too much. See how things shake out in the next couple of weeks; if there's an issue, you'll know. But try not to waste mental energy on something for which you have almost NO background knowledge. Shake it off, if you will

[carfar]

I'd feel very much the same. I'm sorry.

[boiler717]

I'm sorry, that's hard.

[hocus2]

I think people find the right thing to do is hard.

She had plans with someone else and didn't know how to tell you. She fumbled but I wouldn't assume that she's not your friend. It stings when these sort of things happen but I'd let it go for now. If it was a larger pattern that would be different.

FWIW -- I prefer to socialize in smaller groups. It isn't a personal thing about some couples vs. others. I just prefer it that way.

[gibbinator]

Yeah that's really crummy she lied. Hanging out without you is one thing but it sucks you were excluded. I dunno, is your birthday coming up? That's the only way I can imagine a positive spin on this.

Although the way Mary acted it doesn't sound like you were deliberately excluded. Maybe Mary made the plans and Jane just didn't know what to say?

[Deleted]

Just to make you feel better
Is it possible that Mary invited Jane and she is weird and felt like inviting you wasn't her place? (I have a friend like that. She has decided we don't like ECB and her H so always plan things separately. I have never said this- I have denied it )
Then Mary did invite you so Jane sighed. ??

[ECB]

Thank you all for your commiseration and kind words.

hocus2 to what you said, I'm that way too.  I like to socialize in smaller groups.  That's why I hope I don't find out that there were actually more people involved.  I know of 2 couples who went/ she invited - if it was really just supposed to be the 3 couples, I really can respect that.  Doesn't mean I'm not sad to not be invited, BUT I can fully respect it.

And I AM going to try and look at it as a fumble.  Jane is a VERY nice person and just not someone who I would expect this from.

What kind of kills me, though - we have a woman in our neighborhood who has kind of "gone off the rails" socially.  It's  hard to explain.  She's someone who we used to all be friendly with, would happily go to the parties she threw, invite her to stuff, etc.  But in the past 2 or so years, she's started doing this "invite some/ not invite others" thing to various events.  And some events were very much "Hey - I wanted to get all the neighbors together!" but then we'd find out that she excluded 2 couples.  Very alienating behavior.

ANYHOW, Jane and I have been on the "not invited" list for a lot of this stuff and we've been laughing about it.  SO to have Jane do the same exact thing and then lie about it- it's kind of a double punch to the gut. 

BUT.  BUT.  BUT. I really do want to not let this destroy our friendship.  She's already texted me last night and today w/ innocent stuff, so I'm suspecting that she's trying to feel me out- will I reply, etc (and I have).  I'll see her Friday night - I'm going to see what she does/ what she says.

@hannymaren The way Mary said what she said, it was clear to me that Jane had invited her out.  Not the other way around.  But I do appreciate you're effort to spin  it   I AM looking for reasonable explanations to what happened.

Seriously- thanks to all of you.  Knowing I'm not alone in being upset but then also the effort to look at the reasons why Jane did what she did.  It has helped to talk it out and to get some additional perspectives.  I was really, REALLY upset last night and have felt very down this morning, but this has all helped and I think a couple more days will give me a bit more sanity around this. 

[tacokick]

I hate people who don't use the all-purpose "I have other plans". Vague yet useful. It can mean date night and it can mean doing your toenails. I think it could have eliminated some of the awkwardness here.

[Deleted]

My feelings would be hurt too. I'm especially sensitive to this stuff right now.

Although I do think she feels bad about it given that she's texted you about other stuff since. She's not avoiding you, which I think she would be doing if she was being malicious.

[SJ]

I am just confused because they DID invite you and your husband said no.

Why did he say no if you were hoping to go out for drinks with them? Or were you assuming it would be women-only and that's why he declined the couples invite?

[SJ]

I re-read and I think I get it more now. You had asked her just for a RIDE (not anything about drinks), which she declined. Is that right?

I think it kind of makes sense that when she said "DH and I might go out for drinks" that may or may not have included the other woman and her husband. Is she the one who said "mini date night" or is that what you are inferring? Or maybe she talked to Mary AFTER she had texted with you. Like at the time she texted you, she thought she would go out with her husband (which she never mentioned to him). Then later on she ran into or texted Mary and then decided to make it a couples thing. This stuff happens, and to me, it doesn't seem deliberate. Especially because they INVITED you and then your husband said no.

It seems to me that she does genuinely like you and that she included you. I run into this stuff a lot balancing multiples friends and groups of friends, and sometimes people get inadvertently left out as plans grow and change organically. The point, to me, is that they did invite and include you and she has been texting you since.

I am sorry you are hurt- that is always crappy - but I'd try your best to proceed as normal.

[ECB]

Sept 2, 2015 7:57:02 GMT -5 SJ said:

I am just confused because they DID invite you and your husband said no.

Why did he say no if you were hoping to go out for drinks with them? Or were you assuming it would be women-only and that's why he declined the couples invite?

The invitation came only AFTER Mary came up to us and told Jane that they aren't sure if they'll be up for drinks or not.  Just a 1/2 hour or so earlier, when I asked Jane if she and her DH were going out, she told me she hadn't even talked to him about it yet.  There was no time from when I asked her that to the time Mary came up to her for her to talk to her DH about it and then also invite other people. 

Basically- she was caught and THEN invited us.  THAT'S the issue here. 

[ECB]

Sept 2, 2015 8:02:32 GMT -5 SJ said:

 Is she the one who said "mini date night" or is that what you are inferring?

SHE called it a mini-date. 

[aspentosh]

Oh yeah, that would be a total gut punch. Sorry

[SJ]

Sept 2, 2015 8:03:20 GMT -5 ECB said:

Sept 2, 2015 7:57:02 GMT -5 SJ said:

I am just confused because they DID invite you and your husband said no.

Why did he say no if you were hoping to go out for drinks with them? Or were you assuming it would be women-only and that's why he declined the couples invite?

The invitation came only AFTER Mary came up to us and told Jane that they aren't sure if they'll be up for drinks or not.  Just a 1/2 hour or so earlier, when I asked Jane if she and her DH were going out, she told me she hadn't even talked to him about it yet.  There was no time from when I asked her that to the time Mary came up to her for her to talk to her DH about it and then also invite other people. 

Basically- she was caught and THEN invited us.  THAT'S the issue here. 

OK sorry. I still think it's a good sign that she has been texting you normally since then.

It hurts to be left out, no matter the intention.