Update to my sister & her lack of a ring

[Deleted]

I'm so glad you updated!

It seems like he really loves her, and that I'm glad he is being clear with his intentions, even if he has some stuff to work through.

And like you said, if he wasn't working as hard as he is, then I would be less inclined to believe him.

Yay for love!

[kershnic]

It sounds like they're happy.

I would have a hard time with this rationale because to me what makes an engagement ring is the commitment not the design or having a diamond or costing a certain amount. (Ok, I do love my diamond, but that's beside the point. ) But maybe he knows her well enough to give her enough to feel safe without doing what he doesn't want to do. I don't know. I hope it works out for her.

[Velar Fricative]

First, I hope your sister is happy and remains happy.

What I can't get over is that, yes, finances are huge. But they didn't start dating yesterday. I question why he hasn't been telling her he's too worried about finances to get married earlier than this.

[Muddled]

Sept 3, 2015 14:23:19 GMT -5 @natariru said:

Sept 3, 2015 14:20:29 GMT -5 kershnic said:

It sounds like they're happy.

I would have a hard time with this rationale because to me what makes an engagement ring is the commitment not the design or having a diamond or costing a certain amount. (Ok, I do love my diamond, but that's beside the point. ) But maybe he knows her well enough to give her enough to feel safe without doing what he doesn't want to do. I don't know. I hope it works out for her.

My sister is very artsy, free-spirited... Not the type who would expect a huge ring/diamond. I think her BF knows that about her. But all of her friends have gotten these huge, blingy rocks and have had huge Jersey style weddings so I wonder if he feels like that's the expectation? I always pictured her eloping & getting married barefoot on the beach.

I told my H that I didn't want an engagement ring and he still shopped for them. In the end, he respected my wishes, but he definitely felt the pressure to conform.

[kershnic]

Sept 3, 2015 14:23:19 GMT -5 @natariru said:

Sept 3, 2015 14:20:29 GMT -5 kershnic said:

It sounds like they're happy.

I would have a hard time with this rationale because to me what makes an engagement ring is the commitment not the design or having a diamond or costing a certain amount. (Ok, I do love my diamond, but that's beside the point. ) But maybe he knows her well enough to give her enough to feel safe without doing what he doesn't want to do. I don't know. I hope it works out for her.

My sister is very artsy, free-spirited... Not the type who would expect a huge ring/diamond. I think her BF knows that about her. But all of her friends have gotten these huge, blingy rocks and have had huge Jersey style weddings so I wonder if he feels like that's the expectation? I always pictured her eloping & getting married barefoot on the beach.

Yeah, that's my point though. Why won't he just call it engagement ring? You'd think he would know this about her after 10 years too.... But, again, the point is not for all of us to be satisfied the point is that she (and he) are happy. So if they are, lovely.

[sparkythelawyer]

Ugh. I want to be happy with this update, but UGH.

He gave her a promise ring. A lovely, BEAUTIFUL promise ring, but a promise ring. Which is something you get form your boyfriend when you're 17 and "in love." And of course she feels better, he said he "wanted to marry her."

Then followed it up with some bullshit about why he "just can't." So, he really doesn't want to marry her. He just doesn't want her to leave, so he's trying to come up with whatever he can to keep her around without actually having to marry her.

To stay and keep this ring if I were her I would need a concrete plan. He would have to lay all the cards down - if money is the issue, where does he need to be financially in order to feel comfortable getting married - does he need a certain amount saved? To own their own place? To have a certain amount of debt paid off? What is it that he needs? Is he willing to speak to a counselor to work out a plan to get him "ready?" How long does he think it will take to reach that goal, etc?

If he's still just waiting for some nebulous "feeling" that he's finally ready to get married, then I'm sorry, pretty ring or not, she needs to cut her ties and run. She's just not "THE ONE" for him, as much as he may care deeply for her.

[sparkythelawyer]

Sept 3, 2015 14:39:29 GMT -5 @natariru said:

She's happy. She's not the type to stick around if she were truly unhappy. The last time we spoke was the first I heard her say she was frustrated. I don't think I gave the impression that she's some dependent, meek woman?

No, she's not.  But I worry that he just basically gave her enough rope to keep her hanging, with no real intention to move forward, and it sounds like she does want to move forward.  So I'm sad for her on that front.  But if she's happy, then I'm happy she's happy :-)

[anna7602]

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here and trust that he's not just saying things to keep her from running away from him. His issues sound complicated on the one hand and totally normal on the other. I think regardless of what we tell our significant others that we want or need, there's a lot of societal pressure that weddings are supposed to look like x or that you're supposed to be able to provide your children with y, despite whether that is objectively true or not. Add growing up with a front seat view of an unhealthy marriage to that and it exacerbates everything.

[anna7602]

Dup, dammit!

[bcarp30]

I think even when you talk about finances as they relate to marriage it's hard to process what is really going on. The fact that he was so open and honest with her and answered the big question of if he wants to get married I think is a great step. And even if they've been together for a long time, it's not like when you're 21 you sit down and understand finances and how it relates to marriage and those thoughts if you are so far removed from that life. I don't see anything wrong with them being together for a long time and not broaching the subject until now, because maybe it took until this point for him to realize what he really was feeling and answer himself what his concerns were.

His gift sounds really thoughtful and I'm glad your sister was happy with the outcome and has a better sense for where the relationship is.

[bcarp30]

Sept 3, 2015 15:14:26 GMT -5 @natariru said:

Sept 3, 2015 15:08:13 GMT -5 bcarp30 said:

I think even when you talk about finances as they relate to marriage it's hard to process what is really going on. The fact that he was so open and honest with her and answered the big question of if he wants to get married I think is a great step. And even if they've been together for a long time, it's not like when you're 21 you sit down and understand finances and how it relates to marriage and those thoughts if you are so far removed from that life. I don't see anything wrong with them being together for a long time and not broaching the subject until now, because maybe it took until this point for him to realize what he really was feeling and answer himself what his concerns were.

His gift sounds really thoughtful and I'm glad your sister was happy with the outcome and has a better sense for where the relationship is.

Yeah, they got together when she was 19... I would have side-eyed them if they started talking about marriage at 24 bc of where they were in their lives. (Not that there's anything wrong w that for some people).

Exactly.  If DH and I had been talking about how our finances were important to us then the conversation would not have been worthwhile at all.  And, honestly, it's great that he is able to articulate his fears and concerns.  So many people aren't and it can be misconstrued, that's when relationships fail. It sounds like he is taking it very seriously which is awesome!  

[VillainV]

If she's happy, then that's great. I think she needs to REALLY understand what she wants and what the BF wants and decide if those are compatible. If so, then that's awesome :-) If not, then she needs to have a good long think about what that means for their future. I agree that it sounds a lot like he's deciding for the both of them...but I don't know your sister as well as you do.

[drloretta]

I guess I shouldn't tell her about my SIL's e-ring, LOL. When she was little, she thought an engagement ring = wearing your wedding band on your right hand. So when she and my brother proposed to each other, she fished a gold band out of her mom's jewelry box.

GL to them

[Muddled]

Sept 3, 2015 18:16:23 GMT -5 @cookiemonster03 said:

I don't know the backstory but I don't think a lack of a diamond ring is a deal breaker at all.

The issue isn't the ring itself. It's the gift of a ring without a proposal to accompany it.

[drloretta]

Sept 3, 2015 19:16:39 GMT -5 @natariru said:

Sept 3, 2015 18:13:33 GMT -5 drloretta said:

I guess I shouldn't tell her about my SIL's e-ring, LOL. When she was little, she thought an engagement ring = wearing your wedding band on your right hand. So when she and my brother proposed to each other, she fished a gold band out of her mom's jewelry box.

GL to them

In Brazil, an engagement ring is your wedding band worn on your right hand. When you get married, you switch it to your left. Is she from another country?

Nope! Just something she thought uo