Post by pantsparty on Sept 4, 2015 14:02:32 GMT -5
What the fuck is wrong with him? He tells you you need to choose between him and the dog, he taunts you with an anxiety-inducing situation, he downplays or dismisses your mental health needs.
Support? I'd like to think that my family would support me, but I can't, I won't talk to them about this. It's not something that I'm comfortable with. I'm very much a "bury my head" in the sand kind of person and I definitely don't ever ask for help. It took so much strength for me to reach out to my husband when I did the first time telling him I needed to go back on my meds only to have him dismiss and belittle me, after that I told myself that I would never ask for help again. I don't really have any close friends in the area, we just recently moved an hour away from every one. And my Mom and brothers are all out of state on vacation with each other. I'm not sure that I'd want anyone to know. What if him and I can work on things? I don't want anyone to judge him.
Post by hopecounts on Sept 4, 2015 14:07:28 GMT -5
Trust me there's no way they haven't already picked up on his assholeness in other situations they have just been being nice for your sake and pretending otherwise. With this kind of behavior there is NO WAY he hasn't been an ass to them at one point or another. Right now what is important is getting you through this and that means getting you meaningful support. CALL someone you trust and spill even if it's just one person and they are only available via phone CALL. you need someone irl who is in your corner right now.
Your H sending you that picture is abhorrent. It sickens me that he did that to you. I hope you can feel all the love and support reaching out to you from this board, and I hope you have someone in your life you can lean on. You have nothing to be ashamed of - nothing to apologize for. I hope you can see your doctor very soon.
Support? I'd like to think that my family would support me, but I can't, I won't talk to them about this. It's not something that I'm comfortable with. I'm very much a "bury my head" in the sand kind of person and I definitely don't ever ask for help. It took so much strength for me to reach out to my husband when I did the first time telling him I needed to go back on my meds only to have him dismiss and belittle me, after that I told myself that I would never ask for help again. I don't really have any close friends in the area, we just recently moved an hour away from every one. And my Mom and brothers are all out of state on vacation with each other. I'm not sure that I'd want anyone to know. What if him and I can work on things? I don't want anyone to judge him.
This is the incorrect conclusion to draw from this. You should instead have learned that your husband is not part of your support system. And a friend an hour away is still a friend. Reach out to them if not your family.
As for if you and he can work on things, obviously that's your decision, but this is a person who has shown himself to be pretty much your enemy when you are your at your lowest and begging him for help. And then he is purposefully shitty about something he knows causes you anxiety. Do you really see a way for this to change? Can you really live your life with someone who would do that to you? Repeatedly?
Post by cuddlyevil on Sept 4, 2015 14:10:13 GMT -5
Please call them and tell them what is going on. You need to not worry about your H right now, focus on getting yourself healthy and strong.
Quite honestly, you need to choose your dog. He sent you that text on purpose, he knew you're in a difficult spot and wanted to exacerbate your state--not help you. Someone who would do that is not worth the effort to work it out.
Trust me there's no way they haven't already picked up on his assholeness in other situations they have just been being nice for your sake and pretending otherwise. With this kind of behavior there is NO WAY he hasn't been an ass to them at one point or another. Right now what is important is getting you through this and that means getting you meaningful support. CALL someone you trust and spill even if it's just one person and they are only available via phone CALL. you need someone irl who is in your corner right now.
This ^ right here. I was actually surprised that my parents weren't surprised when I told them my stbx and I were having issues/splitting up. I could actually hear the relief in my Dad's voice when I told him.
Very few people in this world would act the way your husband has in regards to how you feel. I know it took so much to open up to him and he shattered any hope you had of him being supportive. But your mom and brother most likely won't react the same way. If you are having troubles forming the words type it out and either email it to them or read it to them over the phone.
Please pm me if you need to. I can help you try and word this so that you can open up to someone, anyone IRL.
Oh hon. You deserve better than this. I would really love to give you a hug and just sit with you.
And then tie his dick in a knot.
Yes! Please do not let your h's reaction cause you to be afraid to reach out to someone else. Your h's reaction is NOT a normal reaction. Hell, I'd be willing to give you my email or cell phone number just so you have someone to support you. Huge, huge (((HUGS)))
Post by shostakovich on Sept 4, 2015 14:17:52 GMT -5
brokenae - call your mom and tell her you are struggling. You don't even have to talk about your H with her, because really the focus should be on you anyway. If she asks, tell her that your H isn't supporting you like you need him to, and ask her to cut her vacation short and come to help you.
Or call one of your friends that live an hour away. I know you're not comfortable talking about this, especially since your H reacted like an absolute, unforgivable asshole about it, but you really, really must reach out. Even if it's to your therapist in an emergency session, or over the phone. Or to the doc you see in the ER. It might be uncomfortable at first, but I promise you there will be immense relief after you've talked about it with someone that WANTS to help and WANTS you to get better.
I've been in a really dark place before with depression, and if you want to PM me to talk things out, PLEASE PLEASE do.
Your H is being the asshole here, not you being oversensitive.
I agree with the other posters, call your mom or your BFF, even if you can only talk to them over the phone I'm sure they'll offer support to you, and won't attempt to tear your down like your H is doing.
Support? I'd like to think that my family would support me, but I can't, I won't talk to them about this. It's not something that I'm comfortable with. I'm very much a "bury my head" in the sand kind of person and I definitely don't ever ask for help. It took so much strength for me to reach out to my husband when I did the first time telling him I needed to go back on my meds only to have him dismiss and belittle me, after that I told myself that I would never ask for help again. I don't really have any close friends in the area, we just recently moved an hour away from every one. And my Mom and brothers are all out of state on vacation with each other. I'm not sure that I'd want anyone to know. What if him and I can work on things? I don't want anyone to judge him.
Don't discount telling your family. I was so scared to tell my parents about my anxiety and when I did I remember they laughed. I got mad - why the hell were they laughing at me? Well it wasn't a "ha ha you be crazy" laugh; it was a laugh of relief. They already knew. Apparently my mom has similar anxieties and she and my dad worked through them while my brother and I were in college. They didn't tell us the extent of them until that moment because they didn't want my brother and me to worry. But they knew I was going through the same thing as my mom and were so happy I came to them and asked for support, because it was support they wanted to give me but knew I wouldn't take the support if they just offered it. I had to acknowledge needing the support like my mom did - we are both stubborn and would not have done anything about our anxieties until we were ready.
Think of it this way - if you had severely broken leg or abdominal surgery, it wouldn't be okay for him to kick you in the cast or jab at your incision. Emotionally, that's what he's doing here. He's fucking with his wife, who is in pain, for kicks.
We're here for you, but please talk to someone IRL also.
Post by emoflamingo on Sept 4, 2015 14:34:11 GMT -5
Opening up about your anxiety and depression is freeing. I am the same way - keep my emotions to myself. I didn't cry at my mom's funeral because I didn't want people to see me cry. I finally told family members about my anxiety/depression (I was told it was GAD and possibly a touch of PTSD - it started after my mom died in an accident and most of my anxiety is centered around cars). My dad was somewhat dickish about it ("people don't need medication...") but most everyone was supportive. I promise, your H is an anomaly. I will send good thoughts out to you, but please don't protect him at the cost of your emotional well-being. He isn't doing the same in return.
You have kids. Imagine one of them hurting like you are right now and hesitating, even for a second, to call you for help. Or imagine your brother being suicidal and being embarrassed to reach out to you for help. Call your family. They love you and you need them.
I've been on the reaching-out end, and the reached-out-to end of this situation. There's help and love out there for you. You just have to be brave enough to ask for it. That's not easy, but it's essential. You can do this. I'll be thinking about you. XOXO
You husband is a narcissist and an asshole. He is making your life miserable.
Therapy and the right medication are still important for you. Right now, your husband and his actions have a huge amount of control over how you feel. With professional help, you can move away from that. Next time he threatens to leave you over vacuuming dog hair (what an asshole) you want to to get mad at him, not contemplate suicide.
You deserve feeling better than this. His actions alone won't be enough to fix things (even if he does a 180) because that still leaves him in control.
Your H is not being an asshole here. He is SO FAR beyond that! An asshole response to your situation would be, "Eh, whatever...I don't think it's that bad, but do whatever you need to do." What he has done is incomprehensible. Most normal people wouldn't treat their worst enemy like that! You deserve so much more.
Call someone, anyone, to talk. You can keep your H out of it, if that makes you feel better. If you have to, just tell your mom that you preferred to talk to her about your struggles right now. Sometimes we just need a mom. She will understand. Or call a friend, a co-worker, a help line...heck, anyone you have a number to call. Perfect strangers here care about you and have offered to help...your friends will also want to help, no matter how near or far or how long it has been since you last spoke.
Continue to come here for support. We are here for you. But we also want you to have someone IRL to support you. Even if all that person can do is hold the phone to her ear and listen to you talk, or sit in silence. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of here. (Except your H should be extremely ashamed of himself & his behavior, though that is unlikely.)
From what you've written here, your husband is emotionally abusive. You don't have to live like this. Reach out to someone who cares about you. You are worth it. Your kids are worth it. And the next time that shithole you're married to tells you it's him or the dog, tell him to pack his shit.
That may be a little harsh, but I'm so pissed off on your behalf...
Post by downtoearth on Sept 4, 2015 15:34:31 GMT -5
I'm so sorry and seriously wish I could give you a hug. I'm a lurker here on ML, but I saw your post last night and wanted to see if there was an update. You are in crisis and your DH needs to be the one picking up the slack and trying to help and make it easier until you get to therapy - not complain about a dog or the dog's hair/poop, not tell you that you're selfish, not send you a joking photo about him doing a part of his job that stresses you out, not belittling you. You AND THE KIDS AND DOG deserve better.
Keep coming back here if you don't feel comfortable IRL, but also please keep your therapy appointment and let your DH know that his words are hurting you.
Post by lovelyshoes on Sept 4, 2015 16:10:20 GMT -5
Reach out to your family. They will make time for you. Don't worry about repairing thins with your h. You can't have a healthy marriage if you are not well. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. He is not helping you, he is bringing you down. Worry about You and your kids now. If down the road he seeks help and it works out for the two of you then great, but regardless if that, you need to be well for yourself! Please seem help. So many of us are telling you the same thing. Save yourself, seek help.
Post by lexxasaurus on Sept 4, 2015 17:06:03 GMT -5
I was terrified to tell my mom when I was lost in my drinking problem and suicidal and the relationship I was in had become abusive. I was sure she'd blame me for letting the drinking get out of hand. She was great friends with my ex's parents and I thought she'd be mad because I ruined the relationship. I thought she wouldn't take me seriously. She was the biggest support, even AFTER I decided we would "work things out" (which obviously didn't work out long term since he's my ex). Your parents love you, your friends love you and it sounds like you need an outside perspective. Call someone, please.
What the fuck is wrong with him? He tells you you need to choose between him and the dog, he taunts you with an anxiety-inducing situation, he downplays or dismisses your mental health needs.
Choose your dog. Fuck him.
Seriously.
"It's me or the dog!"
"Well, thank you for making that decision so easy for me!" ::smiling brightly while slamming the door in his douchebag face::
I've been in situations where I felt need to emotionally "protect" other people in my life. In particular I was at one time dating a raging alcoholic and I never said a single word to my family about it because I was so scared and embarrassed. Years later I talked to my sister about it and she told me that she had wished I told her at the time because she loved me so much that knowing how much I suffered made her so sad. I have no doubt your family feels the same way about you.
They don't want you to be in distress and suffering. They love you and want to help you.
Please take care of yourself. Having a partner who won't support you, especially in the realm of mental health is no way to live.
I hope you are able to reach out to someone tonight who can come sit with you. Even if you don't want to talk to them just yet.
((((brokenae)))) I was thinking about you today. I'm sorry to see your update, because the way your H is behaving is really cruel. Have you ever seen one of these lists?
I've shared on here before that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, and married to a substance abuser before that. Yes, there were reasons I chose these partners (mainly, wanting to support emotionally weaker people so that I didn't have to work on my own stuff), but in therapy I learned to recognize what was going on. And then I got past it. Life was hard at first after leaving my abuser, but then it got better, and better, and better. I feel much stronger now having confronted my weakness. I'm also pretty open about it, because I can accept myself as I was - flawed, sometimes foolish, but, like you and everyone on this board, still deserving of love.
Reach out to people who will support you. There is nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. YOU are not doing anything wrong. You need help, and it's OK to need help. Everyone does at some point in their life. You deserve compassion, and to be surrounded by caring people in your life. Please don't give up because this asshole is dragging you down.
I'm glad you got your meds. I hope you reach out to someone, don't let his behavior do anything to set you back. It's definitely a unity horse that it was a dick move.