What Black Moms Know

[meshaliuknits]

As a black mom on the block, everyone’s kid was your kid.

This was true in my neighborhood growing up, even though it was predominately white. I wish my kids had that. I do know I have a couple of neighbors I can go to in a pinch and that will have to be good enough.

[summer]

This reminds me that a good friend of mine sent me a book about conscious parenting and transforming ourselves through empowering our children or something.  I'm sure it's good, but just that title makes me tired. It's doing too much, you know?  This particular good friend lives out near Silicon Valley which to me is the epicenter of competitive parenting.  

The other day I was thinking, "I want my kids to not smoke, not abuse alcohol or drugs, enjoy playing some sort of sport (they don't need to be good at it), and not be assholes or doormats or end up on the pole."  Of course, more than that would be awesome, but those are my main goals.  I don't want to compete anymore. You do that. I'll do this. It's all good.

And I also grew up being taken care of by my grandparents when my mom was working. They got off work earlier because they worked in factories. I loved it. I'm sad that my kids won't have that.  And I think about how my family did their best with what they had and scraped something together when they didn't have, and that it was probably a good thing that their entire lives didn't revolve around me. They weren't perfect and there were some things I would change but all those things make you stronger. Chris Rock did an interview once talking about the difference between his childhood and his children's upbringing. He said something like his kids have always been protected from life kicking them in the face in a way that he wasn't.  And he won't really know what his kids are made of until life does.  I'm paraphrasing, but it stuck. I don't want my kids to be so soft and delicate and used to having everything revolve around their needs and whims and development that they fold when life kicks them in the face. 

I'm totally off on a tangent here, but this gave me lots of feels. 

eta: I really can spell. Tired. 

[summer]

And I love the last line.  If I had a nickel for everytime someone said to me, "Girl, you betta go on over somewhere and sit down." 

[meshaliuknits]

Sept 9, 2015 13:51:05 GMT -5 summer said:

This reminds me that a good friend of mine sent me a book about conscious parenting and transforming ourselves through empowering our children or something.  I'm sure it's good, but just that title makes me tired. It's doing too much, you know?  This particular good friend lives out near Silicon Valley which to me is the epicenter of competitive parenting. 

I've never noticed (and I'm north). Probably though it's more a case of "looking to ensure they survive to adulthood and become mostly functional, decent adults" parenting styles attracting like.

[skwcm80]

Sept 9, 2015 13:51:05 GMT -5 summer said:

The other day I was thinking, "I want my kids to not smoke, not abuse alcohol or drugs, enjoy playing some sort of sport (they don't need to be good at it), and not be assholes or doormats or end up on the pole."  Of course, more than that would be awesome, but those are my main goals.  I don't want to compete anymore. You do that. I'll do this. It's all good.

You've summed up my parenting goals.   

[sfy]

Not that I think black mothers are doing everything right, by any stretch (no one is), but I do respect our unwillingness to hop on whatever bandwagon or trend comes along. One character trait I see in black women probaby more than any other group--and it extends to parenting--is confidence. I'm open-minded, I can listen to what other people have to say, but by and large, I know what's best, I trust my instinct and I don't feel any guilt or uncertainty about that.

I hope she's not saying that Cookie was out of order for slapping that kid after he spoke to her like that lol.

[iammalcolmx]

Sept 9, 2015 16:47:18 GMT -5 sfy said:

I hope she's not saying that Cookie was out of order for slapping that kid after he spoke to her like that lol.

You mean when he called her a bitch and she beat him with that broom? Ain't mad.

[sfy]

Sept 9, 2015 16:53:22 GMT -5 iammalcolmx said:

Sept 9, 2015 16:47:18 GMT -5 sfy said:

I hope she's not saying that Cookie was out of order for slapping that kid after he spoke to her like that lol.

You mean when he called her a bitch and she beat him with that broom? Ain't mad.

He got off so easy.

[iammalcolmx]

Sept 9, 2015 16:54:15 GMT -5 sfy said:

Sept 9, 2015 16:53:22 GMT -5 iammalcolmx said:

You mean when he called her a bitch and she beat him with that broom? Ain't mad.

He got off so easy.

That scene made me twitch.

[summer]

Sept 9, 2015 16:53:22 GMT -5 iammalcolmx said:

Sept 9, 2015 16:47:18 GMT -5 sfy said:

I hope she's not saying that Cookie was out of order for slapping that kid after he spoke to her like that lol.

You mean when he called her a bitch and she beat him with that broom? Ain't mad.

Wait. What? Who?

[mie]

Sept 10, 2015 1:24:58 GMT -5 summer said:

Sept 9, 2015 16:53:22 GMT -5 iammalcolmx said:

You mean when he called her a bitch and she beat him with that broom? Ain't mad.

Wait. What? Who?

Cookie Lyon from Empire. Her youngest son, Jamal, was very disrespectful.

[summer]

Sept 10, 2015 1:55:29 GMT -5 mie said:

Sept 10, 2015 1:24:58 GMT -5 summer said:

Wait. What? Who?

Cookie Lyon from Empire. Her youngest son, Jamal, was very disrespectful.

Lawd, I thought y'all meant OUR cookie!! I was like "What child called her that??!!"

[iammalcolmx]

Sept 10, 2015 1:55:29 GMT -5 mie said:

Sept 10, 2015 1:24:58 GMT -5 summer said:

Wait. What? Who?

Cookie Lyon from Empire. Her youngest son, Jamal, Hakeem was very disrespectful.

[marriedfilingjoint]

I don't know if this is at all relevant, but when we first moved to NC (I was 10, siblings 6 and 7), we were the only white folk in the neighborhood. The house nearest our bus stop belonged to an elderly black couple. There were probably 15 kids that got on the bus there, and when it was cold or raining, they took us all in their house. That would never fly in white suburbia.

[redwino]

Sept 10, 2015 9:11:19 GMT -5 @tooshort said:

The more i hang out on blog and mommy boards the more I lose track of the things listed in this article. I start worry about things that at the end of the day don't matter. There was a debate on MMM about saying "no" too often to your kids and for a half a second I stopped to make sure I wasn't going crazy because I couldn't give 2 shits about saying no.

This is true for me too and I was there for the "no" discussion. I realized quickly that I can't spend too much time on MMM because the vibe of the board is so different from my parenting style. I'm a new mom so I definitely have times of feeling unsure about parenting but it's more of the keeping her alive and well nourished stuff than the making her top of the class and never hurting her feelings stuff.

[sfy]

Sept 10, 2015 9:11:19 GMT -5 @tooshort said:

The more i hang out on blog and mommy boards the more I lose track of the things listed in this article. I start worry about things that at the end of the day don't matter. There was a debate on MMM about saying "no" too often to your kids and for a half a second I stopped to make sure I wasn't going crazy because I couldn't give 2 shits about saying no. My mom is good for reminding me that we all turn out ok without x, y and z thing I'm fretting over. I want my kids to have a better life than I had but I don't want them to grow up so fragile that they can't cope with life. It's a fine line.

The cookout article reminded me of my childhood and made me nostalgic. It reminded me that along with ballet class, music class, traveling out of the country and all the other things I want them to experience I need to find time for them to experience watching mom whoop ass playing spades while listening to Al Green.

Im done rambling

Or that they try to kill you and your H for the insurance because they want everything right now, right now and can't stand to hear no .  In the last days!

My mother said no to us like she received royalties for it. As it turns out, I never said no to DS much, because he never really asked for much.  I actually once had to tell him that he needs to ask me for things because I am legally obligated to take care of him lol.  That's part of what I find so annoying about the trends, there is not enough consideration given to parenting to the child you have.  A greedy gremlin like myself required many nos.  I lack self-restraint lol.  But saying no to DS would be/have been just doing it for sport.  I am certainly not opposed to saying no, just as a rule, however.  Come on.