WDYT? Is this overstepping?

[heightsyankee]

I'll try to make a long story short here...

I have a 1/2 sister who has 2 kids, ages 3 and 5. Sister is a heroin addict and thief. She was MIA for the holidays, did 90 days in jail and got out about a month ago, then got busted with stolen goods in her apartment and drug paraphernalia and was back in jail 3 weeks later. She is there now and is due to get out in the middle of next month (they reprimanded her as a flight risk, according to my aunt). My father has legal custody of the kids with some visitation privileges for their birth father who is about to go to jail for theft himself.

My father was a class A narcissist my whole life. I saw him last weekend while I was back East for the 1st time in 11 years. I have felt the need to reopen communication with him for my niece and nephew. He is trying to work here and there as a house painter but does not have a steady source of income. His wife, my step mother, has become a raging alcoholic and isn't around much. He has always felt that cleaning, etc, was a woman's job and the house is a mess. My niece dresses herself and is often in dirty clothes or wears the same things several days in a row without washing them because he has never taught her differently. PLus, I just heard from my cousin (who watches them a couple days a week while my father works) that she is pretty sure his washer/dryer don't work. It's a fucking mess.

Anyway, Niece is about to start at a small private school in the next town. She got about a 75% scholarship and I am paying the rest. Nephew will start next year and I am paying for him as well. My father signed a release that I am able to get any and all information from the school as if I was their primary guardian.

So, my sister is about to get out of jail a couple of weeks after they start school (Nephew will go to pre-k at a small, rural public school where they live for this year). Last time she got out, my father let her have them overnight because he apparently believed her that she wasn't using. She was and they were in the house. They desperately love their mother and want to be with her, but she is no mother. She is a junky. Her current boyfriend is also a junky and she has left them alone with him.

I think a) my father wants to believe her because he loves her and wants her to not be an addict, and b) I think at 62 it's hard for him to have 2 small kids and all the things that go along with that. He has, according to family, realized a lot of the places that he went wrong with sister and wants to do right by these kids but it can't be easy for him to care for them when he has no idea what the hell to do. I am pretty certain he will let them spend a lot of time with their mother when she gets out of jail. To add a layer of fucked-up-edness to the whole thing, she is pregnant again... Sigh.

Anyway, I got an email from niece's new teacher, thanking me for a bunch of supplies I donated to the class. Now that I have her direct contact info, I am wondering if I should make the teacher aware of the kids' situation with my pregnant, addict sister getting out of jail and also potential issues with the kids related to hygiene. I talked to Niece a lot about it when I was with her for the last 2 weeks and took her shopping but I still worry that she might not realize and I don;t want to discuss to the point that she feels bad. I am afraid their world, which has been somewhat stable over the last month, will be thrown for a loop again and that the teacher should know. I worry that if she notices something amiss with Niece and approaches my father, it will fall on deaf ears or she will not be given enough information to help them properly in her capacity as teacher.

So, that was the short version. WDYT? Am I totally over stepping if I discuss the family issues with the teacher pre-emptively?

[Deleted]

I would let the teacher know what the home situation is. You can say that you would like her to be discreet. IMO the teacher will be much better equipped to help this child if she is informed about the home situation. And she may be able to become a confidant and ally for her.

You're a good person for paying for these kids' schooling. And I hope your sister will someday find the road to recovery. This sounds very rough for everyone involved.

[SallyJ]

For their safety and wellbeing I think you should talk to the teacher. I don't think it's overstepping at all. Maybe not provide all the detail you did here, but explain the guardianship situation.

[meshaliuknits]

You are doing a very good thing for those children. I hope everything eventually works out for everyone involved.

[llama]

You are wonderful to help your niece and nephew the way you are. I would give the teacher a bit of the back story and a heads up about the upcoming changes. Your niece will be new at the school and I bet the information will help her be a better, more understanding teacher to your niece. I know when I worked as a classroom aide it was always helpful to have an idea about what was going on at home so I could give students extra support or refer them to resources within the school or community.

[basilosaurus]

Hell, I don't think it would be overstepping to get guardianship of those kids, so this seems minimal in comparison.

You don't have to air dirty laundry of backstory, but "mom's in jail, heroin addict, dad's in jail, grandpa watches them most of the time but can be unreliable" should suffice.

[yourmom]

It sounds like you and the kids teachers are these kids best hope. Share with the teachers.

You are a fantastic aunt.

[Deleted]

Aug 21, 2012 17:22:20 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

Hell, I don't think it would be overstepping to get guardianship of those kids, so this seems minimal in comparison.

I'll admit that this is where I thought OP was going, and as the story unfolded, I found myself thinking, "Even if it is overstepping, I think it's warranted." So yeah, talking to the teacher seems completely appropriate to me.

[bqbride]

What a shitty situation! Thank god you are there and able to help out. I would absolutely outline the situation to the teacher, ask her to be discreet, and see if she might be able to give you a heads up about any issues that she sees.

[msmerymac]

Absolutely let the teacher know.

FWIW, long story short, the situation with your father and half-sister is very similar to that of my dad's girlfriend and her youngest son. She's been working on trying to variously help him and to let go of him for several years. My dad and his girlfriend are really stable, though, and they have primary custody of youngest son's daughter. They also have her in daycare (she's 2) and are the only people allowed to pick her up or be contacted by the center. I have NO DOUBT the center is aware of the reason why only bio-grandma and grandma's partner are the only people allowed to do so.

I would definitely talk with the teacher about this. It will give her more tools with which to handle any situations that arise. Already, your niece is in the custody of Grandpa, which is unusual. Knowing about unusual family situations is not out of bounds for a teacher.

Additionally, do you have any fear of your sister absconding with the kids, since the courts have deemed her a flight risk? If niece doesn't come to school for a day or two, the teacher might know before your father, even, that something is wrong (say he let's your sister have the kids for a week, believing she'll send them to school - and then she leaves).

[msmerymac]

Aug 21, 2012 17:25:24 GMT -5 @angryharpy said:

Aug 21, 2012 17:22:20 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

Hell, I don't think it would be overstepping to get guardianship of those kids, so this seems minimal in comparison.

I'll admit that this is where I thought OP was going, and as the story unfolded, I found myself thinking, "Even if it is overstepping, I think it's warranted." So yeah, talking to the teacher seems completely appropriate to me.

IIRC, she would welcome custody, but her father won't give the kids up. This is as far as she can step in as far as family dynamics allow.

[MixedBerryJam]

Aug 21, 2012 16:53:08 GMT -5 @angryharpy said:

I would let the teacher know what the home situation is. You can say that you would like her to be discreet. IMO the teacher will be much better equipped to help this child if she is informed about the home situation. And she may be able to become a confidant and ally for her.

You're a good person for paying for these kids' schooling. And I hope your sister will someday find the road to recovery. This sounds very rough for everyone involved.

This exactly. That teacher is the best person in the world to team up with for the benefit of your niece, and both kids, going forward.

Thank you for what you're doing for them!

[heightsyankee]

Thanks so much, everyone. Obviously, this is uncharted territory and there is a lot of weird family history so I was unsure if this was me being crazy or if it's realistic to discuss this with... well, with people outside of the family. I will email the teacher this week and give her some details, telling her she can call me if she has concerns or wants more information.

I am so happy that I can do this for the kids. Being so far away, I feel like I just throw money at the problem and hope it helps. I think that sucks. Sometimes I actually feel really selfish for paying for their school, like I hope the school is what prevents me from waking up 15 years from now wondering where my niece and nephew are like I do with my sister now. Sadly, when she's in jail at least we know where she's sleeping.

ETA: and even though it was EXHAUSTING parenting 4 kids under 6 for 2 weeks, I would bring them home with me in a heartbeat if I could get custody. I'd even buy a minivan 8-D

[gpw]

Even though I'm sitting on the "not overstepping" train..am I reading right that you're on opposite coasts from these children?

That makes things exponentially more difficult. You have more grace and patience than I do. Although, I will say I don't know that I would do something different. I don't know that I could live with the fact that I could have helped those children and didn't. You are such a good aunt.

ETA: I just read your last post and realized that the answer to my question was there.

Although I understand that "throwing money at it" as you say makes you feel a little helpless, you are certainly making a difference in their lives. I hope one day they understand the sacrifice you make for them. And I hope you sister someday realizes it, too.

[livinitup]

I was a caseworker for kids at risk for foster care, so I have a little experience with teachers and sharing information. Teachers can be a great resource, but like anything, some are great and some are not. You have to know the teacher. So, get to know the teacher. Emails are great, but phone conversations give you better infromation.

And there might be better resources in the preschool than the teacher. Sometimes, it's someone assigned like a social worker or the director, sometimes even a classroom assistant. So, don't loose hope if the teacher isn't spot-on. You have options. Go slow with your communication and mark yourself as a resource for the school. They will be looking for help with the child - so be attentive. Most of the stuff you mentioned isn't on their radar but you can mention that a few things are "changing" in the home life and you'd help the little girl if they alerted you to a problem. They just want to know who to call and trust, too.

[heightsyankee]

Aug 21, 2012 18:49:33 GMT -5 livinitup said:

I was a caseworker for kids at risk for foster care, so I have a little experience with teachers and sharing information. Teachers can be a great resource, but like anything, some are great and some are not. You have to know the teacher. So, get to know the teacher. Emails are great, but phone conversations give you better infromation.

And there might be better resources in the preschool than the teacher. Sometimes, it's someone assigned like a social worker or the director, sometimes even a classroom assistant. So, don't loose hope if the teacher isn't spot-on. You have options. Go slow with your communication and mark yourself as a resource for the school. They will be looking for help with the child - so be attentive. Most of the stuff you mentioned isn't on their radar but you can mention that a few things are "changing" in the home life and you'd help the little girl if they alerted you to a problem. They just want to know who to call and trust, too.

Thank you so much for your insight! It's very much appreciated.

[Deleted]

I don't think it's overstepping at all, especially since you are entitled to her school records. Just curious--why can't you try for custody? From what you describe, it sounds like those kids are neglected. Or am I reaching?

[315bride]

You are a good person. Just to echo what everyone else is saying, I would definitely reach out to the teacher. You don't need to go into details if you don't want to. Even just letting him/her know that you are available. If you are concerned about things like your niece eating or dressing properly, those are good things to be specific about.

I have had many students who have come from similar (and worse) situations. It's nice to know in advance what kinds of things I can do to help in tough situations like that.

[hopecounts]

Definitely communicate what's going on to the teacher. Most teacher's want to help and appreciate having all the necessary info to help effectively and to know who to speak to to actually get something done for the kid.

And you aren't throwing money at the problem you're making sure that for 8+ hrs a day they are in a safe positive environment where you know they are being taken care of. That's a huge thing for them and right now all you are allowed to do.
hopefully the situation will change where you either don't need to do more or where you are allowed to step in. Until then making sure they know you are there and care and giving them a good education is huige for them.

[heightsyankee]

Aug 21, 2012 19:01:04 GMT -5 @dontcallmeshirley said:

I don't think it's overstepping at all, especially since you are entitled to her school records. Just curious--why can't you try for custody? From what you describe, it sounds like those kids are neglected. Or am I reaching?

They're not neglected by most definitions of the word. We are from a large family and they have a lot of people that look after them. Still, that is not the same as a stable home life. It's not the same as having a parent. They aren't there every morning to get Niece dressed or make sure she brushes her teeth or has a drawer full of clean underwear. I think my father, for all his MANY faults, is trying to do right by these kids but some of the things that seem easy to most of us are hard for him. Or he just doesn't even think about it.

I could *try* for custody but if I wasn't granted custody, I would have upset a lot of people and may lose the access I have to the kids currently.

[Deleted]

Aug 21, 2012 19:17:11 GMT -5 heightsyankee said:

Aug 21, 2012 19:01:04 GMT -5 @dontcallmeshirley said:

I don't think it's overstepping at all, especially since you are entitled to her school records. Just curious--why can't you try for custody? From what you describe, it sounds like those kids are neglected. Or am I reaching?

They're not neglected. My father is one of 9 kids and I am the 2nd oldest of 26 1st cousins. Greater than half the family is local. THey have a lot of people that look after them. Still, that is not the same as a stable home life. It's not the same as having a parent. I think my father, for all his MANY faults, is trying to do right by these kids. I could *try* for custody but if I wasn't granted custody, I would have upset a lot of people and may lose the access I have to the kids currently.

Okay, valid. I'm sorry. Sounds like such a sucky situation.