Friend Issue- WWYD

[Mrs.Beagle]

Background: My group of friends from college is pretty large, and we tend to invite everyone to events, etc. Of course, within the larger group relationships vary.

For NYE, we usually go to a friend’s house. Low key, we play Apples to Apples, watch the ball drop, and then go to bed. It’s 2 other couples besides us, and we have a good time, but we’ve been going for several years and feel like we’re expected to go.

At a recent block party with another set of friends (3 different couples), we were throwing around ideas to do something around that time. After researching and pricing things out, the best plan was to go down the shore and use H’s family’s beach house. It would fit the 4 couples comfortably, and would be fun. One of the couples lives in VA so we don’t see them often.

H thinks that the people who host our usual get together for NYE are going to be insulted that we aren’t coming to their house and didn’t include them in our plans. There are no more rooms in the house, and I don’t even know if they would come because they don’t have anyone to watch their dog. H thinks that we’re going to damage our friendship with this couple if we don’t go to their house on NYE.

I don’t know what to do. We’re going to dinner with 2 couples that we usually spend NYE with. NYE plans will come up. I don’t know how to respond. Do we tell them that we made plans without them? Do we just say other plans came up? They’ll find out. Either way they’re probably going to be mad, but this isn’t 1st grade. You don’t have to invite everyone to everything.

I don’t even know if this makes sense. Are we aholes?

[ECB]

I need clarification about these two groups. You say "another set of friends" - are they still all a part of the larger group or not?

And if they are.... do the NYE hosts invite these 3 couples to their party?

[Mrs.Beagle]

Aug 22, 2012 8:11:45 GMT -5 ECB said:

I need clarification about these two groups. You say "another set of friends" - are they still all a part of the larger group or not?

And if they are.... do the NYE hosts invite these 3 couples to their party?

They're part of the larger group. We all went to college together, girls were in the same sorority, boys were in the same fraternity. We all get invited to weddings, etc, but smaller events vary.

NYE hosts do not invite the other 3 couples.

[ECB]

O.k., thanks. In the end, I don't know that it matters, but still helps to know. I too have a large group of friends from college so I get the dynamics.

My take- things change. It's nice that you've had this tradition, but I don't think you're wed to it for the rest of your lives just because you've done it for a few years. You're allowed to decide to make other plans.

I do agree w/ your DH to the degree that it is a little "murky" to not go to Group A's party in order to go to Group B's, and Group A and B are all friends too.

BUT at the same time, Group A doesn't invite Group B, so i'm really not sure how much ground they have to stand on with being hurt at also not being included!

As NYE plans haven't actually been set w/ Group A - you're not committed to anything. When they come up, I'd just say "Oh - we're going to bow out this year. "Group B" invited us to go to the shore, and as it's been really hard to make plans to see them, we've decided to join them this year."

ETA: and be prepared for the fallout. You know these people - I don't. If you do expect they'll be pissed, try to have something to say to TRY and mitigate it.

[wallabyonwheels]

I say NBD. Just tell your other friends (the Apples to Apples) with enough notice so that if they want to change their plans they can.

[Mrs.Beagle]

ECB- that's a good idea. We haven't spent NYE with Group B in a long time, and it would be nice to do so.

[Deleted]

Our group sounds like yours. Lots of factions in the group and over the years, the group has included my sorority sisters and DH's fraternity brothers.

I wouldn't be insulted if I was the hosting couple. We do tend to spend NYE with certain groups but over the years, people changed their plans. As long as I had notice you had other plans, I'd be fine with it.

[Deleted]

I would tell the hosting couple that you guys set up plans already. So many things change over the years and I think you guys are giving them plenty of notice so they won't get butt hurt about it.

[ddi741]

I would expect them to be a little hurt not that you aren't coming to their party but that you didn't invite them to the beach, even if you think they won't go, it's better to invite then not to, especially if you've been spending NYE with them on a regular basis.

Is there any way they can crash on airmattress or something if they wanted to come?

Who knows, they may be tired of hosting the party and this could be their way out of it for
future years so it all may work out but I'd just feel weird not giving them the option of joining.

[jinkies]

I think you are fine to make different plans this year. It's not like you are bailing on them the week before new year's. They'll have plenty of time to plan something different.

[livinitup]

There are only so many holidays in a year, I think its pretty hard for friends to "claim" one of the major ones. As long as you don't act all guilty and defensive, I can't imagine saying you'd like to change your NYE plans this year (in August!) would be met with offense and betrayl.

[ijack]

I don't think they should be invited, it sounds like the house is already full. I would just be honest with them and don't feel guilty about it. Maybe suggest a different night to do something like that with them.

[dvlish]

I agree w most others, NBD just let them know u made other plans this year.

[aspentosh]

I don't think it's a big deal. Just let them know you have other plans, and maybe you can plan a get together some other time. Like ECB said- the NYE hosts don't invite group B for NYE celebrations, so they won't have a leg to stand on if they get upset about not being invited to the beach.

[ddi741]

Aug 22, 2012 10:32:08 GMT -5 aspentosh said:

I don't think it's a big deal. Just let them know you have other plans, and maybe you can plan a get together some other time. Like ECB said- the NYE hosts don't invite group B for NYE celebrations, so they won't have a leg to stand on if they get upset about not being invited to the beach.

I just think that if I routinely go to NYE with group A and then I decide to go with group B at my H family Beach House, I would feel really crappy about not inviting group A. And if I was a member of group A, I would wonder why I wasn't invited.

[dexteroni]

I would probably feel bad and go to the beach house another weekend. It's in your DH's family so it's not like that's the only time you can go.

However, if the issue is you're just sick of doing the same NYE with the same people, then go for it. Feelings may be hurt, especially since you're hosting (it's not like they invited you along on their already set plans), but things change, and accepting that is part of being a grownup. And who knows, maybe one of the other attendees has been wanting to do something different.

[vanillacourage]

I know each group's dynamic is different, but it's not as if you're skipping some mega-blowout that your friends spend all year planning and funding. It's playing board games at someone's house - if it were me hosting an event that low-key, I would expect that some years people would want to do something bigger for NYE, no biggie. It's August, I wouldn't stress about it too much.

The only thing I think you need to navigate is whether the NYE couple will be hurt that they're not invited to the beach. That's a larger issue that's not tied to any one holiday.

[regina22]

So, couple A has been hosting NYE for you for several years, and then you decide to host NYE (at your H family beach house) and you dont invite them? Yeah, I think it's crummy. It would be one thing if it was another couple's vacation home or if there was another party you decided to attend instead. But since it's your place I think it's rude to invite other people and then say there's no room for the friends that have been really good hosts to you.

[dexteroni]

Aug 22, 2012 12:07:41 GMT -5 regina22 said:

So, couple A has been hosting NYE for you for several years, and then you decide to host NYE (at your H family beach house) and you dont invite them? Yeah, I think it's crummy. It would be one thing if it was another couple's vacation home or if there was another party you decided to attend instead. But since it's your place I think it's rude to invite other people and then say there's no room for the friends that have been really good hosts to you.

This is a good point - not because I think you should change or cancel your plans (it's ok to want to do something with different people for a change) - but because it explains how group A will most likely see it. It's probably a good idea to plan a different holiday get together with group A so they don't think you're ditching them entirely. There's also the possibility that they'll proceed with their plans and won't be interested in making a new plan to see you around the holidays, so be prepared for that as well.