Can we talk about division of childcare duties?

[lg28]

I'm really starting to feel like I do the majority of childcare stuff. I AM a SAHM so absolutely when H is at work, it falls on me.

My issue is more the before work/morning; night time and weekend stuff. Whenever we go places, I have to pack the kkds bag because H honestly has no clue. It's usually me who responds to the crying first thing in the am from the baby. I make sure they both have adequate dinners, especially if they can't or won't eat what we are having (often salads, so I have to prepare something else for the baby and DS).

Even when I was working, this stuff typically fell to me. So I don't necessarily think it's an indication of my "role" as a SAHM. I think a lot of it has to do with how H was raised. He's not necessarily trying to leave it all to me, sometimes he doesn't realize shit needs to get done and other times he's a tad bit lazy.

Do you feel it's fair in your house? And if it wasn't always that way, how did you change things?

The biggest issue I see is that H is really drained and stressed from work, so he doesn't feel like he has a lot left to "give" at the end of the day. If that makes sense?

Suggestions welcome.

[namasteak]

This is what we did before DS2. I expect we will do this again in a few more weeks when I'm completely healed but for now DH will do a little more.

I made a list of everything that needs to be done in the morning & evening and split it up pretty evenly. Same for chores that are done weekly and monthly.

[thatgirl2478]

Here's how it works in our house:

Just about everything that happens MOTN and before 7:30am is done by my DH. I take over at 7:30 (which is when DH goes to work) until 5 when he comes home. During that time I do everything (feeding, entertaining, cleaning, shuttling, shopping, cooking, etc) for both kids and us. Then when DH comes home at 5 we have dinner and he plays with the kids to keep them out of my hair during the finishing of dinner/cleanup. Then at 7 he starts putting the kids down for bed (bath, jammies, stories, etc). If I'm not busy with something else, I'll nurse the baby to sleep (or she wakes up in the middle of the night wanting to nurse, 6 of one half dozen of the other). Then we usually have 2 hrs to ourselves.

On the weekends he does a LOT more of the kid stuff - like almost all of it.

I'm ok with our distribution of duties... lol but he knows a) I can't see at night (glasses) and b) I'm a royal pain in the ass if I don't get enough sleep. He's better with sleep deprivation and can see easily at night.

[niq]

I think we do okay on kid things. The unfairness in our house is around housework. Msniq does a lot more than I do.

I am trying to commit to using the first 30-60 minutes after bedtime for chores 5 days a week (one night off for choir and another to take a break). It's easier to just keep going than to stop and hope I get going again later at bit.

[ilikedonuts]

I SAH. I deal with getting ready, dinners, and morning wake ups, but not middle of the night wake ups. I'm a bit of a control freak though so things like picking clothes, dealing with dinner, packing the bag etc is just easier for me to do because then I know we have what we need.

My husband used the "I'm so tired from a long day at work" excuse a couple times. I was like "oh and I sit on my ass all day and do nothing?" He stopped and thought about it and then realized we were both "worn out and tired" from our days and evenings go easier when we split things.

My husband is terrible at realizing what in the house needs to get done, but he'll do whatever I ask so we try to take 1 day a month together to really deep clean the house and then I usually try to keep up with basic cleaning throughout the week. We split things like laundry, dishes, etc.

[noodleoo]

I totally understand. I'm in the car with H, so can't complain about him too much now! but I've been making an effort to leave him some with baby more. He needs to learn how to take care of her when I'm not around. Is that an option for you?

[lg28]

Sept 27, 2015 14:03:08 GMT -5 ilikedonuts said:

I SAH. I deal with getting ready, dinners, and morning wake ups, but not middle of the night wake ups. I'm a bit of a control freak though so things like picking clothes, dealing with dinner, packing the bag etc is just easier for me to do because then I know we have what we need.

My husband used the "I'm so tired from a long day at work" excuse a couple times. I was like "oh and I sit on my ass all day and do nothing?" He stopped and thought about it and then realized we were both "worn out and tired" from our days and evenings go easier when we split things.

My husband is terrible at realizing what in the house needs to get done, but he'll do whatever I ask so we try to take 1 day a month together to really deep clean the house and then I usually try to keep up with basic cleaning throughout the week. We split things like laundry, dishes, etc.

I know that DH is really, really tired from his job. And I do understand that / I was a working mom for almost 2 years before I became a SAHM. In a lot of ways I found being a working mom easier, because I could do a lot of chores while the kids were at daycare if I wasn't busy with work. I also found it harder in terms of balancing the work-life balance.

So I've been on both sides and I'm trying to be sympathetic to that., but I also feel like even though h feels like he's tapped out, he still needs to do more.

I think the list of what needs to get done might work. It would definitely at least make him see all the shit I'm doing that he's not.

[lg28]

Sept 27, 2015 14:04:42 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

I totally understand. I'm in the car with H, so can't complain about him too much now! but I've been making an effort to leave him some with baby more. He needs to learn how to take care of her when I'm not around. Is that an option for you?

[b

The baby is now 15 months I just realized. Lol. So she's a toddler i suppose!!

He isn't bad with her, it's just that it's not an automatic reflex to respond to her needs. Does that make sense? Like it's assumed that I will get her, or figure out her dinner, or whatever it may be. I do sometimes say "hey, feed Audrey" or whatever but it's definitely annoying that unless I ask, he won't take initiative on his own.

[wildfloweragain]

It normally falls to me, but we have our cycles. When it is really unfair, I ask for help and H picks up duties for something.

I'm a teacher. Pretty much I do everything in the summer, but I also make plans and tell H when he has the kids on his own. If we're both home, most of the things fall to me since he is working. Right before and right when school starts, H tries to have his vacation fall at that time so he can pick up a lot of the slack. Usually then a lot of it stays on him because that was our recent routine. I try to pick up more as I am able.

Then at some point, H will go OOT or teach a bunch of classes in addition to his firefighting schedule, so I will ma doing a majority of it. Again, when he returns a lot still falls on me unless I ask/point it out.

If one of us does something that is our "fault" or choice, like me getting a puppy, him going out late and drinking, etc. we take responsibility and don't put it on the other person.

[wavepool]

In another thread this week, there was a post about fair not always being equal, and that's what it is in our house.
We both have full time jobs, but he's coaching outside several hours a day while I "get" to go to the gym, wherever else after work (with a toddler in tow, yes). Right now, he's just not home enough hours to do an equal amount of work, but I understand that (finally....took a while).

Also, there's the fact that my H just really doesn't "notice" as much stuff that needs to be done and I haaaaate pointing out what needs to be done, so there's a bit of a communication breakdown there sometimes.

I'm definitely the one that gets us ready to go places, but he always puts everything in the car before work every morning and when we go places together on the weekend. He also gathers it all up when we're leaving to be sure it's all there. I'm more likely to feed O and put him down for naps, but my H is often gone for dinner. I admit to feeling resentful at times, but am trying to get over that and be a team rather than us against each other to see who does more. That's hard some days!!

[lg28]

Sept 27, 2015 14:11:54 GMT -5 @starry said:

also hell yes I am tired after a long day of work. Most people are tired after a filling day regardless of work, SAH, whatever. If everyone needs some downtime, maybe build in 30 minutes of watching a show together or whatever so everyone can compose themselves.

I kinda wonder if perhaps we BOTH need to schedule alone downtime to make sure we get it in. it wouldn't solve the larger issue, but I don't want him to feel like he's burning out either.

You know, the more I read some of these responses the more I really think a lot of this has to do with how H was raised. His mom did EVERYTHING and his dad was pretty useless so a lot of stuff he doesn't realize needs to be done, or he assumes it's my "job". And he's honestly not trying to be a jerk or lazy, but he definitely is a bit.

[krystee]

I'd say we have a pretty even split going. H works from home, so the lack of commute helps! He takes the morning feeding and dressing and daycare drop off. I pick up from daycare and do the dinner feeding. We play with and bathe him together, and I usually dress him and give him the night time bottle, while H empties the bath and washes some bottles. We split overnights and each get a weekend morning to stay in bed until 8:30 am.

[lg28]

Jennyanydots

I think my h honestly believes that his job is SO stressful, but I don't think it is. He is extremely well-compensated, works 9-5ish, and has a short commute. He's also ranked as one of the top advisors in his firm for client satisfaction, so I know his clients love him.

I guess the issue is more how he handles stress and his personal expectations. This totally comes from his dad whose always acted like his job was sooooo important and stressful and H's parents have coddled him so damn badly.

Like, I think most other jobs would kick his ass. They'd pay less and be more work. Obviously I don't want that for him bjt I can't see him realizing otherwise how good he has it.

I guess it's not that I think his job is ridiculous, but HE honestly does. And I can't change that. Does that make sense?

[Pilsy]

I have no great advice, because we haven't found the magic formula yet, either. I do think, though, that small children in the home often leave both adults in a two-parent household as if they're doing plenty/too much.

I do more of the childcare, but my H picks up more of the household chores (e.g., mowing the lawn, laundry, etc.). In fact, while I appreciate all he does, I've told him a few times I'd rather he play with E while *I* do some extra laundry, run to the dump, etc. We both acknowledge that childcare is often tiring in a way regular chores are not. The latter let you zone out in a way we just don't if we're taking care of her.

Anyway, we continue to work on it. Part of my problem is, I need to speak up (nicely!) to tell him I want a turn at the nonchildcare stuff. I'm much more apt to never speak up while he does what works for him, and then I grow resentful and eventually boil over. I'm doing better about this, but it takes work.

[dcn]

We fall into this sometimes especially now that I sah. What works for us is to have me speak up and ask him to do things. Yeah it would be great if he took initiative but I get in such a groove during he day that I frequently just keep going. It also doesn't help that Ds automatically asks me for help or comes to me with any requests. I try to tell him to go ask daddy if i am busy. My favorite is when dh is sitting right next to him yet Ds gets up and finds me to ask to watch tv or whatever. Kid, ask dad he's RIGHT THERE!!!

If I ask he is more than happy to step in and do whatever needs to be done. And he's exhausted and has hours of schoolwork to do right now after he gets home. I'm 29 weeks pregnant and exhausted. Soooo we both just suck it up for the couple of hours in the evenings.

On weekends/outings I have bitched enough about him Not helping get stuff for Ds ready that he just does it now or asks if I have grabbed snacks etc for him. We definitely tag team more to get Ds ready when needed but it did take some frustrated outbursts from me to get the change. A list probably would have been better lol.

He helps equally with chores on the weekend that need to get done, he has always done that and it has continued after kids.

[kaycee]

I SAH. Our deal is when he is at work we are both at work. When he is home we are both off, which means we split the parenting 50/50. I was a working mom for the first year and we split childcare and never saw each other, so he is used to parenting solo. Being able to parent together has made it all seem way easier n

[mlt]

There are times when I have been doing the majority. We sit down and have a "little chat" and thereafter he steps it up.

I am not shy with him - if they need dinner and I'm busy or it's his turn I ask him to make it and feed them. If they need baths and I did it the night before I ask him to handle. Same with bedtime and getting the diaper bag packed and all the other chores.

I also work more than he does and he handles bedtime solo quite a bit. So there are also times that he feels like he has been doing more and I'm the one who has to step it up on the weekend, which I'm fine with.

Job stress is never an excuse in our house for not pulling your weight with the kids.

[fortnightlily]

Sept 27, 2015 14:23:23 GMT -5 Pilsy said:

I do think, though, that small children in the home often leave both adults in a two-parent household as if they're doing plenty/too much.

This, for me. DH and I share things very equally most of the time, and I still get tired and overwhelmed plenty. Though the last month or two because he's been working on renovating or basement I've defaulted to more and I'm so f'ing ready for him to stop disappearing even though it's for all of us.

[redwino]

We're pretry even. Dh does most of the pre work like getting her bag read, washing her clothes, making bottles. I do a lot more of the big picture stuff like shopping for what she needs, making appointments,and planning axrivities. Dh does morning routine and I do night routine. I'm home with her for 3 hours alone after work so I end up doing whatever is needed then and that can be stressful. We've always split duties so doing it with dd came fairly naturally.

[aspentosh]

H and I have conversations about this a lot.

I have asked that he get up with DD in the morning 1x a weekend and while he usually does it (if I remind him) he kind of scoffs at me because "he wants to sleep in, too". And I get that, because he wakes up at 3:45am to workout M-F but I still think it's different because he is doing what he WANTS when he gets up. I am immediately "on" as a parent and am on parent mode until he gets home at 4pm. And then we have the discussion about being tired and it seems like he tries to prove his job is more tiring... It's odd.

After he gets home it's still not always a 50-50 split. Some days are better than others and he'll play with her or do a game or something like that. Other days he just sits on the couch and watches youtube videos with her for an hour. We always do bath together and we both get her ready for bed (though he reads to her at night).

I try not to critique how he parents (videos vs game vs outdoor stuff) but sometimes I wish he put in more effort. Especially since she's 3.5yo and can do so many things.

As far as housework, that is 99% on me and I am generally ok with that since I do SAH and don't really mind cleaning.

[aspentosh]

Sept 27, 2015 14:48:36 GMT -5 @stilljustash said:

this has 100% been our situation as well, until i got pregnant and morning sickness reared it's ugly head. now he has to step up because i'm puking and i'm exhausted and blah blah.

honestly? i can tell he's annoyed and that he wants a fucking medal for doing minor things, and it's not going to happen. he always tries to "count" things like going to the gym/whatever in his "responsibilities/work" list instead of admitting they're part of his free time and i deserve to have some free time as well. ("by the time i've gone to work, the gym, etc. etc. i get NO time to myself!" lolol) welcome to parenting. we've missed you the past two years!

sorry i'm not more helpful. this is a sensitive subject right now. i hope you guys can strike a more equitable dynamic!

This hit the nail on the head for me. As I said in my other post, H gets up at 3:45am to workout. He doesn't start work until 7am. So yeah, he's probably tired and stuff but he is doing what he wants but it somehow gets counted to "responsibilities". 

[imojoebunny]

Our house is like yours. DH has a very high stress job, with long hours. He also plays hockey and runs, which I 100% support. It was tough when the kids were very small, since I was often exhausted. It got much better when the kids were around 2. I hired cleaners, which helped a lot. We ate a lot of trader joes quick to make meals, and I hired a handyman regularly to do the things DH didn't have time for and I don't have the strength to do.

The biggest thing for me was having the support of my neighbors/friends when I had babies, so I did not feel cut off from the adult world.

You have to do what works for you and makes you happy. We are the extreme, where I do all the parenting for the most part and the home stuff. A lot of people do not like this set up, understandably, but DH and I both feel like our mutual trade offs are worth it. Talk to your DH about what you need to be happy. Try doing different things to see if they can improve the situation. For us, attempting more balance did not make us happier, for others a 50-50 is key. Even if you agree on a split, talk about willingness to be flexible, since people get sick, sometimes your just done, and how to handle that before you are angry.

[dulcemariamar]

I am a SAHM so of course I do more work related to childcare and housework. But when My DH gets home he is on 100%. He doesn't go off and relax while I am trying to get dinner ready and LO to bed. Basically, nobody has downtime during the week until everything is done.

I am more responsible for packing bags/snacks but it doesn't bother me because he does a lot of things around the house that I dont do.

[scribellesam]

This was a major issue with us when we just had DS1, and was the subject of argument quite often. Now that we have two, it seems to have clicked that this is an "all hands on deck" situation and he's better about jumping right in after work instead of waiting to be asked.

I'm afraid I don't know how to fix the issue since ours resolved itself mostly out of necessity. I still never feel like H understands how emotionally and physically draining it can be to be home with two little kids full time, though. He's at least learned to pretend he understands, which I guess is better than nothing?

[SallySparrow]

We both work, but I feel like we split things really well. And H has been doing more than me since I've been pregnant. But generally it's pretty even. And we're good at recognizing when the other needs some time/space.

ETA: it was not always this way. We had a come to Jesus talk when I went back from maternity leave because I felt like more of it was falling on me. But he was really receptive afterwards.

[Deleted]

I'd say you need to do more throwing him in the deep end. Maybe not with both kids right away, but DH stepped up majorly with DS when DD was born. Like, he re-ferbered him by himself. We have a general policy that one of us entertains the kids while the other cooks dinner. And then one of us puts kids to bed while the other does some cleaning up, laundry, etc. No one should be chilling out in front of the TV/internet until that's a possibility for both of you.

SAH with 2 kids is as much work and stress as any office job. Truth.

[anna7602]

DH is a lot better with the older kid and what she needs. He has just had more time to figure it out. He gets DD up and out the door to school every morning and takes her to activities on weekends, packing the snacks she needs and making sure she has a bottle of water and whatever she is supposed to bring to the specific activity. But he still hasn't really gotten into any kind of routine with DS yet and will still forget something like bringing diapers or a change of clothes if they go out to the playground.

Right now, he misses DS's dinner and bedtime every night and misses the hand-off to the nanny in the mornings (he is out with DD by then), so when I do ask him to take over for a meal or a nap or bedtime on weekends, I find myself having to explain a lot of things. The best way for him to get it is just to do it over and over, something he has had much more practice with regarding our older child.

[lg28]

Sept 27, 2015 15:41:02 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

I'd say you need to do more throwing him in the deep end. Maybe not with both kids right away, but DH stepped up majorly with DS when DD was born. Like, he re-ferbered him by himself. We have a general policy that one of us entertains the kids while the other cooks dinner. And then one of us puts kids to bed while the other does some cleaning up, laundry, etc. No one should be chilling out in front of the TV/internet until that's a possibility for both of you.

SAH with 2 kids is as much work and stress as any office job. Truth.

He's home alone with the kids for a few hours at least once a week. Usually twice. I'm a girl guide leader and I usually hit the gym for classes. So he definitely has time alone with them, that's not the issue.
It's the day to day stuff that bothers me.

[gibbinator]

If looks could kill. Dh just had no concept of what goes on. It's like he thinks being on kid duty only involves playing, discipline and bedtime.

Ds2 has been very clingy on me all week because he just started daycare. Dh hasn't been able to help with the kids much because he had a cyst surgery last week that has him unable to bend over or do much more than sit on the couch really.

Yesterday dh made supper because both kids wanted mommy and he was feeling alright. When it was done he just announces supper's ready and goes straight to serving himself and sitting at the table. Completely unaware that cooking duty also involves getting the kids' plates ready so they can cool, finding ds2 a bib, getting ds1 something to drink and then finally sitting down.
So there I was with 2 crabby kids hanging off me while I tried to do these things and dh acting like he'd done me this big favour and wondering why I was so slow.

Pretty sure the daggers shooting out of my eyes are what prompted him to do the dishes despite being in some physical discomfort.

[jewel]

It's something that we are working on as well. My H has a very hard time seeing anything beyond the end of his own nose.

What has helped us is that I just have to be very vocal about what he needs to or can do to help, and be specific. Like, very specific. I would love it if he was more proactive, but he's not. Instead of stewing about how little he was doing (which I did for the first several months), I just dictate what we're each going to do. It's also really helped to have specific baby tasks be solely his - currently bath time, bedtime stories, and morning wake-up on weekends. I SAH, so I'm with the baby all day. We only have 1.5 hours between when my H gets home and the baby goes to bed. Neither of us get to be "off" during that time.