Would you have been pissed?

[marie3246]

Sept 27, 2015 16:05:31 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

I would have put my foot down and go to the planned restaurant.

I could have done this and DH kept saying we could just go there, but then it would have just been because I was upset. And honestly I had only been 1 time, it was awesome, but I didn't want to make everyone go there if they really didn't want to. Though I feel like they just didn't trust me to plan a good time and really would have enjoyed it. And then the tiny cake and shitty cheap decor that I took would have been underwhelming. And then if everyone really didn't like it as much as I did or something went wrong it would have been my fault for picking the place. Had DH come to me and been nice about changing restaurants or concerns about the menu, we could have talked and decided together, but accusing me of forcing/pushing him to go. I was like FU, its a great place that is too much food for 2 people, so I hope he never gets to enjoy it. He is the one missing out. I plan on taking his family and everyone that visits when he is at work and we can let their reviews show what he passed up. 

[bowies]

What a pack of douches.

I'd be done planning or cooking for them. And I'd probably be a raging asshole to my H until he could independently articulate why his behavior sucked so bad. What an ungrateful diva. Even if he didn't want the drama of SIL's food hang ups to impede on his dinner, he could have come to you and said as much and eyerolled along with you. But he didn't. Ugh. Now I'm pissed off for you.

[marie3246]

Sept 27, 2015 16:16:38 GMT -5 bowies said:

What a pack of douches.

I'd be done planning or cooking for them. And I'd probably be a raging asshole to my H until he could independently articulate why his behavior sucked so bad. What an ungrateful diva. Even if he didn't want the drama of SIL's food hang ups to impede on his dinner, he could have come to you and said as much and eyerolled along with you. But he didn't. Ugh. Now I'm pissed off for you.

Exactly. If he would have come to me and been like they don't want to pay that much or dont' like the food (even though they knew the restaurant well ahead of time) I would have had a different reaction. DH claims he really wasn't thrilled with the choice for awhile and then when they said something he agreed and it went from there. Even though he did apologize, this isn't the first time I have made plans that he didn't care to be involved in and then complained later on. 

Right now I am trying to plan our disney trip in January. There is no way H will look at any menu's or talk plans, but I will do hours of research picking the least crowded parks/activities and he'll complain about something and I will get pissed. I need to figure out how to stop this cycle. 

[ECB]

Sept 27, 2015 16:14:54 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

  I didn't want to make everyone go there if they really didn't want to. 

Who is "everyone", though?  You said 8 adults?  So SIL is being a pain and your DH is just blindly backing that up.  Adding in BIL, that's 3 people.  That's not "everyone".

This topic needs to NOT be closed.  You need to talk to him about it.

And quite honestly, there may be social anxiety but your SIL just out and out sounds rude.  I didn't realize this was the "make the ILs sit in the driveway" people.  The fact that your DH is now ALSO kowtowing to her and her behavior is really inexcusable.  She's got issues and at some point "everyone" has to stop pandering to it and letting her, ONE person, dictate everyone else's plans. 

She's going to keep pulling this shit, and based on what she did at the restaurant you did go to, she is going to pull shit NO MATTER where you go/ what you do.  So - stop ruining everyone else's experience because of her.

It's great that DH loves his brother, but I agree, his brothers' feelings do NOT come before everyone else's, especially YOURS.

[ECB]

Sept 27, 2015 16:24:09 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

 

Right now I am trying to plan our disney trip in January. There is no way H will look at any menu's or talk plans, but I will do hours of research picking the least crowded parks/activities and he'll complain about something and I will get pissed. I need to figure out how to stop this cycle. 

To me, this is a CTJ talk.  He won't plan, won't look at stuff ahead of time?  The he needs to SHUT THE F UP and be nice and courteous to YOU.  He doesn't get to ride along and then bitch.  He just doesn't. 

And I think I'd put it out there that unless he can start showing some graciousness and courtesy about this, you will no longer be planning anything for him. 

[Deleted]

It sounds like your SIL is very ill. i try to be understanding of people with social anxiety, but it is SO hard. The illness just comes off as so selfish. And though logically I know it has nothing to do with me, it's still hard to deal with.

Your husband would have me enraged. And I would seriously no travel with him if you spend months planning things and he shits all over them. Go to Disney with a friend or family or something.

[melmel48]

Yes. I would be extremely upset at your DH, BIL and the wife.  I also wouldn't have scrambled to find a place to eat. I would have said "you're on your own" and gone somewhere by myself. 

[Deleted]

This sounds like something my husband would do (devil)

[marie3246]

Sept 27, 2015 16:26:54 GMT -5 ECB said:

Sept 27, 2015 16:24:09 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

 

Right now I am trying to plan our disney trip in January. There is no way H will look at any menu's or talk plans, but I will do hours of research picking the least crowded parks/activities and he'll complain about something and I will get pissed. I need to figure out how to stop this cycle. 

To me, this is a CTJ talk.  He won't plan, won't look at stuff ahead of time?  The he needs to SHUT THE F UP and be nice and courteous to YOU.  He doesn't get to ride along and then bitch.  He just doesn't. 

And I think I'd put it out there that unless he can start showing some graciousness and courtesy about this, you will no longer be planning anything for him. 

I agree. He isn't a jerk about the planning, just isn't a planner in general and I am. Months ahead of time, he acts like he is  I do know that if I plan something and someone bitches about it, I take it personally and depending on the situation, I shouldn't. When H does it though, I get super pissed because he had plenty of time to voice his opinion. I admit I am sensitive about anything negative he says. So if we go to disney and he says we should go to a certain restaurant at a different time or stay somewhere different I will be mad. Although we did decide on the resort together. 

[marie3246]

Sept 27, 2015 17:06:06 GMT -5 melmel48 said:

Yes. I would be extremely upset at your DH, BIL and the wife.  I also wouldn't have scrambled to find a place to eat. I would have said "you're on your own" and gone somewhere by myself. 

Yeah there was no scrambling from me. I was pissed for awhile and didn't want to go anywhere. H had apologized and offered to go to the first place I suggested, but he was just so awful about it at first, I had no desire. He ran to several places to find out wait times and then decided on one, but when we got there it was twice as long. So then he kept asking where we should go and I said, "it is up to you, I wouldn't want to push you into anything."  Part of me is glad it worked out and we still had a nice night, but it would have been a little more satisfying had it been a bit harder to find a good place without a wait. 

[melmel48]

Sept 27, 2015 18:20:42 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

Sept 27, 2015 17:06:06 GMT -5 melmel48 said:

Yes. I would be extremely upset at your DH, BIL and the wife.  I also wouldn't have scrambled to find a place to eat. I would have said "you're on your own" and gone somewhere by myself. 

Yeah there was no scrambling from me. I was pissed for awhile and didn't want to go anywhere. H had apologized and offered to go to the first place I suggested, but he was just so awful about it at first, I had no desire. He ran to several places to find out wait times and then decided on one, but when we got there it was twice as long. So then he kept asking where we should go and I said, "it is up to you, I wouldn't want to push you into anything."  Part of me is glad it worked out and we still had a nice night, but it would have been a little more satisfying had it been a bit harder to find a good place without a wait. 

Agreed, it would have been more satisfying! Glad you still had a nice time. 

[gibbinator]

Sept 27, 2015 15:37:43 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

No, I would shut down anyone who won't make plans and won't talk about plans ahead of time and then shits all over my fun as if he didn't know what was happening.
Fuck that shit. I wouldn't plan anything for a very, very long time. And I'd be bringing this story up any time he complained. Like until we die. Lol but also...no.

You took the words right out of my mouth. Ingrates.

[redpenmama]

Beyond pissed...hurt. It's one thing for your BIL/SIL to be assholes about the restaurant (totally inappropriate)...it's another for your H to side with them and blame you for planning something.

I am always made out to be the bad guy too, so I know how you feel. Honestly, it would take me a very long time to get over this one. I would be furious.

[autumnfire]

DH would be in the dog house. I would have a hard time not resenting him. When he said what he did before dinner was it in front of others? I think he was very out of line.

So you went to another place where SIL still didn't eat?! I'd have a hard time not making a bitchy remark after she pulled that.

[gibbinator]

I so want to add that I do relate to a lot of what your SIL does, and I'm remembering thinking the same thing in past posts too. Social anxiety really sucks, and I know I've done a few of the things you mention about her being rude (like not saying happy birthday to someone I'm not really really close to). It's really hard to start chit chat with someone I don't know really well, I get so nervous just trying to come up with conversion openers. I've had panic attacks running scenarios of rejection through my head. So, thanks for trying to be understanding of totally awkward behaviour, and keep in mind it's really not intentional rudeness (probably) if she's just sitting there looking bored and antisocial or leaving early or whatever.
This doesn't change my opinion of them being total brats for whining about your plans.

[dojo]

It seems like your DH doesn't get what it means to plan these events because he's not a planner - things just sort of magically work out (i.e. someone actually busts their butt to make things go smoothly and he just gets to enjoy the ride). Because of this it's really thoughtless and ungrateful of him to complain about the preparations. I agree completely that if other people didn't like the menu, their option is to make their views known with enough time to change the plans, or they can go along with the plans and just make the best of it.

[marie3246]

Sept 27, 2015 19:28:31 GMT -5 autumnfire said:

DH would be in the dog house. I would have a hard time not resenting him. When he said what he did before dinner was it in front of others? I think he was very out of line.

So you went to another place where SIL still didn't eat?! I'd have a hard time not making a bitchy remark after she pulled that.

Yes, I'm not happy with DH. I am terrible at staying mad though and he's been super sweet all day which isn't helping. Although every question he asks I tell him to decide because I wouldn't want to "push" anything on him. 

He didn't say it in front of anyone or I might have killed him. 

With SIL, its a hard situation because "she" didn't say anything. BIL did. First BIL couldn't find anything on the menu (its seafood, which they both said they love and BIL LOVED/S this menu at similar places up until yesterday), then he made a comment about the price and saying they couldn't afford a dinner that's $40/plate. I had already explained to them and DH that the platters are HUGE which is why going to this place with 2 people is hard and leftover seafood isn't the best. Their smallest platter will serve at least 4 people and you can mix and match anything they have to have a nice selection for everyone. Plus they have a band, its on the water and they have a small wildlife area that is really neat to watch while you eat. 

The situation with SIL seems very odd to me. BIL used to be super close to DH, their sister and his parents. Now he barely talks to any of them and got married last year very suddenly. DH's parents weren't 100% on board because he was also making poor career/life choices so we thought BIL was distancing himself from them due to that, but no idea about everyone else. We have all made an effort to get to know SIL, but they won't visit, and make it like we are a huge inconvenience for them if we visit/try to spend time. So we barely see BIL (he won't leave her side ever) anymore and its hard to imagine it has nothing to do with her. BIL mentioned she had social anxiety before, but won't discuss it, so we aren't sure how to handle it and just try and treat her with kid gloves. At first I felt very sorry for her and I still do, but I have a hard time being understanding the more I am around her. I understand not wanting to make chit chat in the kitchen after dinner, but she can play on her ipad and talk about her game to BIL/us from the couch while we are picking up dinner. BIL also now complains about every little thing and 1 year ago this never would have happened, I guess it could be him...

So super long story, but basically if I call her out, I look like a huge bitch because of course she didn't do/say anything. And I'm more mad that DH went along with their complaining and some how making me the meanie and overreacter who couldn't stop trying to force this restaurant on them all. He claims he didn't know I made any pre arranged plans and just picked a restaurant so it wouldnt be a big deal to switch, which it wouldn't have been at all. Especially if it was done the day before, but the way DH approached me was horrible and uncalled for. 

[marie3246]

Sept 27, 2015 19:29:21 GMT -5 gibbinator said:

I so want to add that I do relate to a lot of what your SIL does, and I'm remembering thinking the same thing in past posts too. Social anxiety really sucks, and I know I've done a few of the things you mention about her being rude (like not saying happy birthday to someone I'm not really really close to). It's really hard to start chit chat with someone I don't know really well, I get so nervous just trying to come up with conversion openers. I've had panic attacks running scenarios of rejection through my head. So, thanks for trying to be understanding of totally awkward behaviour, and keep in mind it's really not intentional rudeness (probably) if she's just sitting there looking bored and antisocial or leaving early or whatever.
This doesn't change my opinion of them being total brats for whining about your plans.

This is helpful thank you and I am sorry that you struggle with this as well. I am hoping I can learn more and understand how I can be more helpful to her. I guess I wish the BIL would talk to us more about it instead of just avoiding everyone. They have 0 friends where they are and BIL doesn't speak to anyone he used to know. It's the 2 of them and that's it. Well and her family since she is comfortable around them. Its hard to see them visit and have her family see with them/stay with them all the time and we now only see BIL 2 times a year for a day or so. I would love to get to know her and have it be a nice enjoyable time and would love DD to know them. They live very close to us. 

Selfishly I wish that we could spend time with him alone if she wasn't comfortable being around us, but he won't ever leave her side. 

I have a few dumb questions about social anxiety. I do not love meeting random/new people or hanging out in larger crowds especially with people I don't know well, so I can definitely understand. I don't know how to say this gently, but does this cause you to isolate yourself from everyone except people you already know? Do you ever get to know people or do you just avoid all interaction with people you don't know? 

I HATE the chit chat of meeting new people, but realize that in order to have friends/relationships that it is necessary to go through those to meet people. SIL won't ever be comfortable with us because she won't spend more than 24 hour with us and even that time more than half of it she is in a bedroom/reading or on the computer. They also never come to anything we invite them to and if we do see them, they come late/leave early or when we stayed with them, they asked us to leave early. 

For example this weekend, I made sure she knew my mom was babysitting DD and she was fine with meeting her, but I didn't invite a ton of people for DH's bday because I didn't want to overwhelm her and knew DH would rather spend time with BIL rather than our friends who are awesome, but we see all the time. 

Is there anything I can do to help her feel more comfortable with us or anyway we can get to know her better? Or is this just the way that it is and we need to accept it and move on?

[marie3246]

Sept 27, 2015 19:35:36 GMT -5 dojo said:

It seems like your DH doesn't get what it means to plan these events because he's not a planner - things just sort of magically work out (i.e. someone actually busts their butt to make things go smoothly and he just gets to enjoy the ride). Because of this it's really thoughtless and ungrateful of him to complain about the preparations. I agree completely that if other people didn't like the menu, their option is to make their views known with enough time to change the plans, or they can go along with the plans and just make the best of it.

No he doesn't at all. He also doesn't plan a lot, but when he does it always magically works out and it drives me insane. A few years ago I wanted to do a disney desert party at magic kingdom for my birthday. All he had to do was call and make reservations. We were living in Orlando at the time and went to Disney often so it wasn't a huge deal if we didn't go, but that is what I wanted that night. He knew he was supposed to make reservations, but didn't. Didn't tell me until that day he didn't have reservations and I was super upset. I can't remember details, but he either didn't tell me he didn't have reservations til we were in the park or they were booked. I knew this booked up months in advance and I had really looked forward to it. Well we get there and it was booked, but at that time they only held the reservation for 15 min or so and 2 people didn't show so we got in. (I don't think that would happen anymore). He gets super lucky a lot and it drives me insane. He likes to plan for the best and I like to plan for the worst to avoid disappointment.

When it comes to major things like flights, required appointments, things that can't be changed, he will/has to plan. When its things that are flexible, he is super breezy and always just says we will figure it out. If we have guests for the weekend, I like to figure out food/dinner plans and make as much ahead of time so I don't have to be doing it while they are here. DH is very different and doesn't think about it til its in his face or its the day of. 

[jewel]

Enjoy your funless, planless birthdays until the end of time, buddy.

[thatgirl2478]

Yeah - I would be pissed about this.

Your SIL sounds like my SIL... I never know what shes 'not eating' at the moment (not food allergies, not food aversions, but diet 'I'm not eating carbs' stuff) AND she usually sits there saying nothing unless directly addressed. Yeah, she's a blast at parties. At my DD's last birthday, she sat in the corner of the couch and knitted the whole time - and she's not a social knitter.

[marie3246]

Sept 27, 2015 21:31:39 GMT -5 @this said:

I feel like BIL/SIL are taking too much of the brunt here while your H is getting off the hook. Of course their reaction is crazy rude/bizarre/unacceptable, but your H is the one on your team;

Except he wasn't. In the least. He needed to shut them down ASAP and stand up for you and your efforts. Except he did the opposite. I would be PISSED at that. Not necessarily the ILs. My ILs are not my people, but my H certainly is.

I do agree. While I think everything would have gone along to plan if they weren't here, its not their fault it didn't and its not like BIL said FU we aren't going. H was definitely not on my team and that is the main issue. 

I told H that yesterday and that I felt totally ganged up on and he didn't see why I saw it as sides. Drives me insane, but he sees things as very black and white. He had no idea I put any extra effort other than suggesting (or pushing as he says) the restaurant. He didn't feel like riding in the car when we could walk somewhere else and he didn't really want seafood anymore. So he thought it would be no big deal to change the restaurant. He didn't see any reason to stick up for me and my efforts since he didn't know about them. And he wasn't thrilled with the restaurant choice, but no idea why he didn't say that until 1hr before...

I feel the exact way you do about the situation, but getting H to see it as a big deal is the challenge for me. I *think* he understands what I am saying and I know he feels bad, but I think he feels bad because I am upset and not that what he did was shitty. Honestly, even if I didn't do anything but make the reservation I think I still would have been pissed about how he approached me and turned my trying to make a nice plan for his birthday into a negative thing. 

I do not feel like H has been on my side for the last few months and I'm not sure what has changed, but something certainly has. 

[sent]

Going forward, I would be snarky as hell to SIL. Yes, I would be very upset that I made all this effort and my husband didn't appreciate it.

[erbear]

yeah, that would have pissed me off. It would have ended with me eating alone at the restaurant of my choice while they did whatever. 

[curbsideprophet]

Yes, I would be pissed.

So what did SIL end up ordering? Did she eat anything?

[cjeanette]

Well I am pissed just reading this. So....probably

[marie3246]

Sept 27, 2015 21:51:45 GMT -5 sent said:

Going forward, I would be snarky as hell to SIL. Yes, I would be very upset that I made all this effort and my husband didn't appreciate it.

I mean I probably won't see her for another year and while I do think it is rude to complain about other people's birthday plans, I think the way H reacted and handled it is what I have the issue with. BIL and SIL are odd/rude and like @this said, H should still be on my side and stick up for me/or the plans I have made. 

[marie3246]

Sept 27, 2015 21:59:29 GMT -5 curbsideprophet said:

Yes, I would be pissed.

So what did SIL end up ordering? Did she eat anything?

We went to a cuban place, she ordered fish. Hated that and sent it back, refused to ordered anything else. BIL said she was fine. She ate a few bites of rice and a margarita. 

[jewel]

Sept 27, 2015 22:25:29 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

Sept 27, 2015 21:59:29 GMT -5 curbsideprophet said:

Yes, I would be pissed.

So what did SIL end up ordering? Did she eat anything?

We went to a cuban place, she ordered fish. Hated that and sent it back, refused to ordered anything else. BIL said she was fine. She ate a few bites of rice and a margarita. 

She ordered FISH? After claiming that the seafood place had nothing that she would eat?

LOL. ok.

[curbsideprophet]

Sept 27, 2015 22:43:41 GMT -5 jewel said:

Sept 27, 2015 22:25:29 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

We went to a cuban place, she ordered fish. Hated that and sent it back, refused to ordered anything else. BIL said she was fine. She ate a few bites of rice and a margarita. 

She ordered FISH? After claiming that the seafood place had nothing that she would eat?

LOL. ok.

I also find this bizarre.