Post by marie3246 on Sept 27, 2015 14:44:42 GMT -5
DH' bday was this weekend. He is an anti-planner. He likes to do things that require plans, but never plans ahead enough to do them. I booked a fishing trip and surprised him with that and inviting his BIL and wife to stay that weekend and fish (I paid for everyone). I made arrangements for dinner at a cool place that only I have been to.
Fishing goes well, about an hr before dinner BIL says wife can't find anything on the menu she can eat (they had 3 weeks to look at the menu and knew well ahead of time). Its also a large menu.
So DH comes to me and basically accuses me of "pushing" this restaurant on him, that he doesn't want to go and says he doesn't like the food/menu (he has never been). Says its not a good choice and that he never ever wanted to go there. He has known for several weeks since I suggested it and didn't have any objections until right now. He isn't aware that I heard BIL complaining about the menu/price (I told them I was paying, but maybe they forgot).
I was pretty pissed. All I did was suggest the restaurant since we had a group (8+ 2 babies) and then make the plans. No one objected. I had taken a small cake and table decor to the restaurant already. Then 1hr before, I am being accused of pushing the restaurant on DH.
So we didn't go and then had to scramble to find a place we could eat since we live in a tourist area and its a Sat night. Everything worked out fine and we had a nice time, but I'm still pretty pissed at DH and annoying at BIL and SIL (mostly for other reasons, but I couldnt imagine going to someone's bday weekend and bitching about the restaurant they picked).
I'm not mad any longer, but DH and I haven't been in sync for the last few months and this is just another time where I feel like he makes me into the bad guy. It isn't unusual for me to try and discuss plans ahead of time and him have no input or just says he doesn't care and then the day comes and he bitches about my plans.
Also I'm confused - was your husband upset about the restaurant because he was "siding" with his brother and brother's wife against you? Or did he have independent objections to the restaurant?
I think you need to sit your h down and tell him that when you planned the weekend and dinner, it was a gift for him. You thought you were doing something nice - not pushing something on him. And then when he was super ungrateful, he broke your heart. He made you sad, mad and taken for granted.
I hope he can look at the situation and apologize appropriately. Otherwise, if he is more concerned about the feelings of these other people than his wife - I don't know.
Post by imojoebunny on Sept 27, 2015 15:14:18 GMT -5
What kind of guest, who isn't even paying, can't find something she eats? Does she have severe food allergies or something like that? I have friends with severe allergies, and sometimes, there it is legit that nothing in a particular place works for them (some places refuse to honor allergy prep requirements to prevent cross contamination), but they would have checked that well before dinner time. I would be mad that I took the time to plan everything, especially the cake, and then have them complain at the last minute, and change the location. My brother lives in a tourist town, and we have to make reservations a month in advance to eat at the better places (not even more expensive, just not the tourist, over priced, not so good). Your DH owes you an apology, and I am a pretty breezy person.
You know when someone says they're not mad, just disappointed? And that disappointed is actually worse? I'd be disappointed in H for acting like an inconsiderate toddler.
And if SIL doesn't like the restaurant or food choices she could have either eaten beforehand or faked sick or something. BIL was an a-hole too. I'm sorry!
I think you need to sit your h down and tell him that when you planned the weekend and dinner, it was a gift for him. You thought you were doing something nice - not pushing something on him. And then when he was super ungrateful, he broke your heart. He made you sad, mad and taken for granted.
I hope he can look at the situation and apologize appropriately. Otherwise, if he is more concerned about the feelings of these other people than his wife - I don't know.
Yes, I was thinking all of this. I'd find it hard to be rational, though, so I'd probably end up crying and yelling.
Post by dulcemariamar on Sept 27, 2015 15:25:35 GMT -5
You are a lot nicer than me . I would have refused to go since I already left the cake and decorations at the other place that was suggested weeks ago.
Post by SallySparrow on Sept 27, 2015 15:26:03 GMT -5
I find it incredibly hard to believe, barring medical issues, that SIL couldn't find ANYTHING to eat. At all. Even when I was a vegetarian for three years, I could find something. It might be sides ordered together, or something. But it wasn't impossible.
That aside, yeah, I'd be pissed. And I'd tell him, because of the way he approached it, he could plan his own damn birthday next year.
Post by water*drop on Sept 27, 2015 15:38:04 GMT -5
Does your sil have dietary restrictions, not just preferences? I had several restaurants say they couldn't accommodate me when DD was mspi (cross contamination concerns were the most common reason), and two restaurants told me they couldn't accommodate a dairy intolerance because of cross contamination over labor day. HOWEVER, I always check that stuff well in advance because I know it can be an issue.
OP, I'd be really upset about your husband's reaction. That's not cool at all.
I'd be so tempted to rip SIL a new one, but I know that that's never a good idea. At the very least, I would have a heart-to-heart with DH about how unappreciated my efforts felt. Does he think BIL planned the fishing weekend?
That would be the last time in a loooooooong time I planned a damn thing for those ungrateful assholes, your husband included. So yeah, pissed.
Yeah I told H, this is the last time I plan anything for him. The main issue is that I really enjoy the planning part, but I HATE when he has no objections, then we go to do it and he has something negative to say. Drives me insane. This is the worst one for sure.
He would be on my shit list for awhile, but so would your SIL. Surely she could find SOMETHING to eat. Ugh.
Right? I admit SIL drives me insane. She is super quiet. BIL mentioned awhile ago that she gets anxious in social situations, so I do try to treat her with kid gloves. She is younger (25), but I feel like old enough to not be treated like a teenager. Maybe I don't understand social anxiety, but when we invite her places, I made sure she knew all the plans ahead of time and I don't expect her to behave a certain way or spend hours chatting with me. However, I find her behavior extremely rude. They arrived Friday night I shopped/cooked according to things BIL approved that they liked. We ate dinner and she immediately went and got her ipad and sat in the living room and couldn't even pick up her own dish after herself. BIL, DH and myself cleaned up dinner. I don't expect guest to help, but found it odd that even BIL was helping (which in the past would not have happened.)
Yes I'd be pissed. I'm sorry. Did your FIL end up going too?
No, I know he wanted to, but it ended up being a non issue since they didn't push any longer to come. I think it was just too close to book flights. I got over feeling bad about that one.
Also I'm confused - was your husband upset about the restaurant because he was "siding" with his brother and brother's wife against you? Or did he have independent objections to the restaurant?
To me, it felt like they were all siding against me, when all I had done was make the plans. H approached it as though he had independent objections to the restaurant, however, I highly doubt he would have said a word had they not complained. He showed no objections until they said something right before we were supposed to go. I don't care if he didn't want to go, its his bday, but not having any objections until 1hr before and acting like I've been "pushing" it on him for months is crazy. All I did was try and do something nice for his day.
What kind of guest, who isn't even paying, can't find something she eats? Does she have severe food allergies or something like that? I have friends with severe allergies, and sometimes, there it is legit that nothing in a particular place works for them (some places refuse to honor allergy prep requirements to prevent cross contamination), but they would have checked that well before dinner time. I would be mad that I took the time to plan everything, especially the cake, and then have them complain at the last minute, and change the location. My brother lives in a tourist town, and we have to make reservations a month in advance to eat at the better places (not even more expensive, just not the tourist, over priced, not so good). Your DH owes you an apology, and I am a pretty breezy person.
She does not have any allergies. She does seem to have an issue with almost everything, but never speaks for herself so I can't be sure. Where we did end up eating, she wouldn't try the apps and sent her food back (when BIL did for her).
Had it been just a weekend they had come and we were all discussing where to eat and no one liked my suggestion, fine. But to be invited to a bday weekend and then bitch about the restaurant I picked is so rude to me. Even if they did think they had to pay for themselves I cannot imagine acting like that at someone else's house/celebration.
Does your sil have dietary restrictions, not just preferences? I had several restaurants say they couldn't accommodate me when DD was mspi (cross contamination concerns were the most common reason), and two restaurants told me they couldn't accommodate a dairy intolerance because of cross contamination over labor day. HOWEVER, I always check that stuff well in advance because I know it can be an issue.
OP, I'd be really upset about your husband's reaction. That's not cool at all.
I was on a pretty restricted diet last fall due to BFing and I would never, ever, ever in a million years have made a big deal about eating out with friends or family. I carried around filling snacks in my purse at all times. If I had really been in a situation in which this simply wasn't possible, I sure as hell would have spoken up well ahead of time and had a list ready to go of places that I thought would accommodate me (although I still can't really see myself steering everyone down this path).
Ok after your update I can feel my own blood pressure rising, OMG. She sent her food back?! I hate people like her. I wouldn't be planning anything like, ever again for them. And your husband owes you a huge apology.
Wasn't this the big fishing weekend you had planned? Without the ILs? Did that work out okay? (Or am I thinking of another poster)
Regardless you made the plans. His whining makes him Sound like an ungrateful asshole.
Nope that was me. IL's didn't come. It really was a nice weekend and DH love BIL, was very happy about being surprised.
In DH's defense (not that he deserves much right now), we talked it out (yesterday still before dinner) and he was very sorry. He claims his thought process was that he wasn't that hungry, this place doesn't serve a ton of food and he had no idea I took the cake/decor there. Once I told him that, he said we could just go there and offered to go there several more times.
At that point though, I was pretty pissed and mostly at how he approached me. Never once did I "push" anything on him and he was just so negative and acted like I was in the wrong and trying to make him go to this horrible restaurant that he hated. Plus I was pissed I drove 20 min there to drop the shit off. It wasn't expensive or a big deal or meant to be some giant surprise, I just didn't want to walk into the restaurant with him with a cake/decor. Having it already set up is nicer IMO.
And then I had 0 interest in going out to eat with any of them, but DH was very apologetic and I was hungry. I had a hard time not being a bitch to him and while he can very easily get over things quickly I cannot. We ended up walking to several restaurants and finally found one off the tourist area that was really good and could sit us right away.
Ok after your update I can feel my own blood pressure rising, OMG. She sent her food back?! I hate people like her. I wouldn't be planning anything like, ever again for them. And your husband owes you a huge apology.
Yep, I admit my dislike for her just keeps getting worse and worse. BIL has also changed soooo much since they go married. Last the IL's came to visit them, BIL made the IL's sit outside in their driveway because they made better driving time than expected. (IL's drove 18+ hours or something and arrived 30 min or 1hr earlier than BIL expected). They went in and the house was dirty, no food, etc. so it wasn't like they were trying to clean or anything. I'm trying to understand her, but BIL never would have done that prior to her.
She also never once said Happy Birthday to H or thanks for anything. I don't think that is part of social anxiety, she does talk some and she is nice enough when she does. Not sure why thank you can't be some of her words.
Well BIL sent her food back for her, apparently it tasted like a salt shaker, the manager offered any other meal for free, we all offered some of ours, she declined and just sat there. Then we went to a outdoor area with a stage to let DD run around and we all sat in the grass, hung out, talked, drank wine and BIL and SIL didn't care about the music so they went for a walk alone. (maybe the social anxiety part?)
Does your sil have dietary restrictions, not just preferences? I had several restaurants say they couldn't accommodate me when DD was mspi (cross contamination concerns were the most common reason), and two restaurants told me they couldn't accommodate a dairy intolerance because of cross contamination over labor day. HOWEVER, I always check that stuff well in advance because I know it can be an issue.
OP, I'd be really upset about your husband's reaction. That's not cool at all.
I was on a pretty restricted diet last fall due to BFing and I would never, ever, ever in a million years have made a big deal about eating out with friends or family. I carried around filling snacks in my purse at all times. If I had really been in a situation in which this simply wasn't possible, I sure as hell would have spoken up well ahead of time and had a list ready to go of places that I thought would accommodate me (although I still can't really see myself steering everyone down this path).
Oh, yeah, I wouldn't have made a big deal about it. I was just pointing out that it's possible that she really couldn't find anything to eat. I wasn't saying it was okay for her to be difficult about it.
Eta: though it looks like she didn't have any real reason for not being able to find anything anyway, so that's definitely not okay. I just saw a lot of people saying that she should have been able to find something without knowing the circumstances, and that isn't always the case.
I would be raging quite honestly. It's rude and impolite on everyone in your family's part to cause a scene over a good deed.
And I'm not usually one to be all "Time for the CTJ" when it comes to H posts, but in this case I am. Hands down. It's sad, and obnoxious quite honestly. I'd be hurt and I have a heart of steel.