MOOKs: how to help a kid who is afraid?

[jeaniebueller]

Let me just say that Halloween is just not DS's holiday  He is 6.5, in first grade. He has a lot of irrational fears. Its that fun time of year where whatever station I turn on the TV, there seems to be some type of Halloween ad pop up that will inevitably scare the shit out of him. We have issues at bedtime and a lot of issues with him being too "scared" to stay by himself upstairs (if my H is down in our basement working--he WFH), or too scared to go in our driveway to ride his scooter alone, too scared to go back in the house by himself to use the bathroom if we are all outside, etc. Just to be clear, its not just around Halloween, its all year, but Halloween always exacerbates it. He woke up at 3:30am today crying that he was scared of a Gremlins commercial he saw. (when he saw it, I have no clue). He did not go back to sleep. Any great ideas for how to help him? He already has a sound machine, projector, two night lights, a kiddie flashlight, his various comfort stuffed animals, we leave his door open, the hall light on....we have pretty much tried everything to get him to understand that he doesn't need to be scared at home, that mom and dad are right next door, etc. We were at a trick or treat event this weekend, which he did fine with, and his little buddy was trying to convince him that the masks and decorations are all just pretend. He just can't make the connection and I worry that we aren't handling it right  My H and I are both beyond frustrated with the bedtime antics. Any suggestions? FWIW, he is an anxious kid anyway. When he gets in the zone where he is scared, nothing we do or say will help. He is completely not rational and does not care what we do. I don't know if I should have him talk to a therapist or if that will make things worse.

ETA: he asks if he can sleep with us or we can sleep with him, but at 6.5, I am not comfortable starting bedsharing as a habit. Plus, we only have a queen bed, so its not really practical.

[Deleted]

I think I would probably take him to see a therapist. This sounds more extreme and that the usual suggestions (a special stuffed animal or night light etc.) aren't going to cut it. Fwiw, I don't think a reputable therapist will make it worse. Your son will most likely see it as playing and the therapist will try to talk to get to the bottom of what is bothering him. And hopefully he/she will have some better ideas about how to help him.

[Deleted]

Sept 28, 2015 8:24:42 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

ETA: he asks if he can sleep with us or we can sleep with him, but at 6.5, I am not comfortable starting bedsharing as a habit. Plus, we only have a queen bed, so its not really practical.

Is the problem going to bed initially or waking up in the middle of the night? Is laying down with him while he falls asleep an option? We did/do this with our kids when they've gone through phases of not being good sleepers.

[jeaniebueller]

Some nights, he goes to bed just fine. BUT this is with a zillion night lights, etc. Which is no big deal. Other nights, he is a PITA to get him to go down. Lots of crying out for us, wanting us to stay with him. Sometimes my H will sit in his room with him until he falls asleep. Sometimes its not possible for us to do, so there is drama. Some nights, he sleeps all night just fine. Other nights, like last night, he wakes up and wants us to go in his room, stay with him, etc. Which I am not really interested in doing at 3:30am when I have to be up at 5:30.

[iheartbanjos]

I think therapy might be a good idea. If anything, you and your H can get some tips and tricks on how to comfort and help your DS.

Also, can you do away with watching regular TV? My kids get to watch a show almost everyday, but we use our Apple TV, so they never see commercials. If scary commercials are often times the trigger, I would think that would be an easy thing to fix.

[jeaniebueller]

Sept 28, 2015 9:07:46 GMT -5 iheartbanjos said:

I think therapy might be a good idea. If anything, you and your H can get some tips and tricks on how to comfort and help your DS.

Also, can you do away with watching regular TV? My kids get to watch a show almost everyday, but we use our Apple TV, so they never see commercials. If scary commercials are often times the trigger, I would think that would be an easy thing to fix.

I have already thought of that. He really doesn't watch TV that much and I do try to limit it or just have it on something neutral and babyish like Disney Jr or Sprout, especially this time of year. And sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to what will frighten him. Like, that Reese's peanut butter cup commercial that is Halloween themed scared him, KWIM? Or even if we are driving around and he sees a Halloween scene set up in someone's yard.

[auntie]

I'm a parent of a kid with GAD among other things.

The general rule of thumb is that when a kid's anxiety is impacting his day-to-day life, it's time to bring in a professional.

For something more situational a short term group of sessions to give him skills to manage his anxiety may be all that's needed. My godchild did 10 weeks of CBT/exposure therapy to learn to deal with the fear of storms thatsucked all the fun out of being at the beach or pool. The lessons she learned about reframing a situation have been useful in other anxiety provoking situations for her.

Not a fan of staying with a child until they're asleep; it's a real "No confidence" vote. It's kind of like telling a kid you don't expect them to get to a place where they can be OK. It can be really hard to find a sweet spot between validation of their feelings without validation of their fears.

[Deleted]

Sept 28, 2015 10:29:43 GMT -5 auntie said:

I'm a parent of a kid with GAD among other things.

The general rule of thumb is that when a kid's anxiety is impacting his day-to-day life, it's time to bring in a professional.

For something more situational a short term group of sessions to give him skills to manage his anxiety may be all that's needed. My godchild did 10 weeks of CBT/exposure therapy to learn to deal with the fear of storms thatsucked all the fun out of being at the beach or pool. The lessons she learned about reframing a situation have been useful in other anxiety provoking situations for her.

Not a fan of staying with a child until they're asleep; it's a real "No confidence" vote. It's kind of like telling a kid you don't expect them to get to a place where they can be OK. It can be really hard to find a sweet spot between validation of their feelings without validation of their fears.

I was that kid. I wish these resources had been available for me as a child. 

[jeaniebueller]

Thanks, all. I have the name of a therapist and I had already considered having him talk to someone, but I think I will definitely set up an appointment for him.

[lizlemon19]

I feel your pain. My oldest son was petrified when he was 4 or 5. Halloween was the worst. He was petrified of scarecrows, skeletons, the "Scream" mask, pretty much adults in costume where there face was covered. His school even did a scarecrow contest by one of the entrances, and for half of the month of Oct we used another entrance. We adopted him at age 4 and he had a trauma history.

You didn't mention any trauma history for your son, so it may be a combo of anxiety and a vivid imagination. If for any reason you give him Melatonin, that can be a culprit as well.

I agree with seeing a counselor. And definitely limit TV, esp with commercials. Those are the worst. We had to stop my son from watching Spiderman, TMNT, etc because of the bad guys. You can try using a spray bottle for you and him to spray the bad guys. On Halloween, you may need to go early this year when still light out and more little kids are out, or find something like a mall or party at someone's house. My now 7 yo still needs me to close the closet at night. He does see a counselor, and things have gotten better.

[rootbeerfloat]

We take DS to a therapist for his anxiety. He has a lot of irrational fears, including being (and sleeping) alone.

[jeaniebueller]

Sept 28, 2015 11:01:04 GMT -5 lizlemon19 said:

I feel your pain. My oldest son was petrified when he was 4 or 5. Halloween was the worst. He was petrified of scarecrows, skeletons, the "Scream" mask, pretty much adults in costume where there face was covered. His school even did a scarecrow contest by one of the entrances, and for half of the month of Oct we used another entrance. We adopted him at age 4 and he had a trauma history.

You didn't mention any trauma history for your son, so it may be a combo of anxiety and a vivid imagination. If for any reason you give him Melatonin, that can be a culprit as well.

I agree with seeing a counselor. And definitely limit TV, esp with commercials. Those are the worst. We had to stop my son from watching Spiderman, TMNT, etc because of the bad guys. You can try using a spray bottle for you and him to spray the bad guys. On Halloween, you may need to go early this year when still light out and more little kids are out, or find something like a mall or party at someone's house. My now 7 yo still needs me to close the closet at night. He does see a counselor, and things have gotten better.

NO trauma, no life changes, no melatonin. He has always been a really self conscious and nervous/cautious kid, so its not behavior that is necessarily new, just behavior that we would have thought he would have outgrown by now. He has made progress, but I really want him to get some coping mechanisms. I have a call in about getting him a therapy apt, but its quite the racket because I have to have his ped get a referral and have insurance approve the provider before we can even schedule anything. Ugh.

[lolo]

I'm not sure if you or your H are anxious people, but I am, and I recently read this article on how to avoid passing anxiety on to your kids: ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2015/09/28/what-parents-can-do-to-avoid-passing-anxiety-on-to-their-kids/. I found some of the tips useful and have been thinking about how to apply them in my own life.

In your situation, I would definitely make the appointment with a therapist for your LO. He sounds like he's really struggling. I would also do whatever possible to give him a consistent routine, since it sounds like it does vary. That can help some kids feel more secure.

Disclaimer: Not yet a MOOK.

[pb127]

Not a MOOK, but one of my friends took her daughter to a therapist for play therapy for anxiety for about a year (she's since "graduated" from therapy) in kinder and it made a world of difference for her. She's totally a different kid with regard to her anxiety and how she manages it.