Help me figure out/help my kid

[drloretta]

PDQ

As some of you know, DD had a rough year at Montessori last year. To recap:

Her first year there was a dream, but last year was a struggle from start to finish. She butted heads constantly with her teacher, acted out, and by spring I was getting regular phone calls from the teacher telling me about every little thing DD was doing wrong. We talked with her doctor, who didn't see any behavioral red flags. We considered pulling her, but had a talk with the director and felt much better about keeping her there for her final year. She is staying with her regular teacher in the mornings, but spends the afternoons with a smaller kindergarten class in another teacher's room.

This summer she attended camp all day every day and had zero issues. The only call I got was one at the end of the first week telling me how much my kid loved it there and how well she was doing socially.

We just finished 2 weeks of a phase-in period back at Montessori, where she was there from 2-3 hours a day. No problems. Yesterday she started back to full days with her full class. I just got a call that DD wanted to talk to a classmate (A) on the way to the bathroom, and A didn't want to talk. Apparently my child wanted A to listen to her, so she grabbed her by the neck. Enter teacher, stern talk with my daughter, lots of tears, time out, VM to me that my kid tried to choke a classmate.

You guys, I can't go through another year of this completely abnormal school behavior from my kid. She NEVER does this sort of thing at home. We have never done anything to give her an indication that this was appropriate behavior. I don't even know where to start with talking to her about this. I know when we bring it up she's going to shut down, so it will just end up being a lecture on our part.

This is sort of a brain dump because I just got the VM and I'm totally freaking out about my kid. And we're in the middle of a marathon of travel, including a cross-country flight tomorrow. I'm just not sure what to do.

[jeaniebueller]

Is she in first grade this year kindergarten? And if I recall, she is one of the younger kids in the class? Is that still the case? First, hugs, it's always difficult to hear that your child's having behavioral difficulties. From what DS's kindergarten teacher told me last year, issues with self-control and keeping hands of themselves is not uncommon for the younger kids. Did the teacher have anything else to say about it, or did she seem to think it was just an isolated incident? I wouldn't necessarily jumper think she's going to have behavioral issues all year just because of this one incident. Are you completely sold on the Montessori school she's at right now?

[drloretta]

She's in K. The class seems to be pretty well balanced this year, she was actually in a group of mostly younger kids last year, which I think led to her wanting to do what the little kids did.

The teacher made it sound like an isolated incident, she said DD has been helping the younger kids with stuff and everything else was fine. Obviously she needed to call me about this.

I'm just jumpy because of everything that went down last year. I felt like the teacher had it in for my kid, and it turned into a tattlefest, with the teacher calling me litterly every day twice a day to tell me everything my kid did. It got ridiculous. And she started by ambushing DH at the fall parent-teacher conference with a 20-minute diatribe on everything wrong with our kid. This particular teacher has soured me on the school, though I think DD's time in the kindergarten track is going to be awesome, and I just want things to settle down in the mornings with the mixed-age group.

[dulcemariamar]

Not being snarky but why did you decide to go back to the school? It doesnt sound like a positive environment for you or your DD. Did they have valid reasons for calling you all the time to talk about her behavior?

[Deleted]

Hopefully it's just a fluke and you don't go down the path of last year.

But if you do, I'd seriously consider cutting your losses and moving to a new school.

[carolinagirl831]

Honestly, I would move her. I think the fit is not good for her, espeically considering she did great this summer in a different environment.

[carolinagirl831]

Honestly, I would move her. I think the fit is not good for her, espeically considering she did great this summer in a different environment.

[ECB]

So, I don't know if this will help or not, but I read somewhere once about how if you want to get your child to talk, one thing to do is to not look at them. Meaning - while driving in the car might be a good place to talk. so, I try to do that w/ DS sometimes. I'll just bring up various questions to try and get him talking.

Now, granted, some of this is just "so- how was your day?" talk. But I have tried to do it in this format when I know there was an issue, or if I'm just trying to get a gauge on what other kids are doing (he has a kid in his class that was a bit of a problem child in another class - so I want to know how the kid is going this year but w/o it being "So, is Franklin behaving him self this year?". I'll sometimes bring it up while in the car.)

Last summer, he had a bad experience at summer camp. We found out some of it at the time, but it's actually been over the past year, while in the car, that he's started being more forthcoming about some of the stuff that happened.

I feel like that w/o having you (the general "you" of all parents) staring at the child,it makes them less defensive. And I'd start out w/ the general "So, what happened today with A?" - just to see what she'll say on her own. THen go from there.

Past that - as this is ONE incident, I'd TRY not to get too worried that this is going to be another year like last year. It sounds like the teacher last year wasn't a good match for your DD. I'd try to wait this part of it out and see where it goes.

[drloretta]

Sept 29, 2015 11:40:23 GMT -5 dulcemariamar said:

Not being snarky but why did you decide to go back to the school? It doesnt sound like a positive environment for you or your DD. Did they have valid reasons for calling you all the time to talk about her behavior?

No snark felt! We had a long talk with the director, and we both felt really good coming out of it. The director was very positive about DD's time there, and didn't seem as bothered by her behavior as the lead teacher did. Neither DH nor I could put our finger on it, but we just felt a lot better after we talked to her.

DD loves it there. She never once said she didn't want to go to school, didn't like the teacher, or that she was unhappy there. She was so excited to be a big kid and do the stuff the kindergarteners get to do this year. She even said the "problem teacher" was gentle and kind to her.

We had written an e-mail to the teacher after some incidents telling her that we had taken appropriate steps (she thought we should contact her dr, we did) and that we would be happy to get updates on a schedule of her choosing as to how DD was doing. She decided that was going to be an e-mail at lunchtime and a phone call at the end of the day. By the time we talked to the director, we said it was overkill and we only really needed to hear from the teacher if there was a problem.

[sparkythelawyer]

Sept 29, 2015 11:51:29 GMT -5 ECB said:

So, I don't know if this will help or not, but I read somewhere once about how if you want to get your child to talk, one thing to do is to not look at them. Meaning - while driving in the car might be a good place to talk. so, I try to do that w/ DS sometimes. I'll just bring up various questions to try and get him talking.

Now, granted, some of this is just "so- how was your day?" talk. But I have tried to do it in this format when I know there was an issue, or if I'm just trying to get a gauge on what other kids are doing (he has a kid in his class that was a bit of a problem child in another class - so I want to know how the kid is going this year but w/o it being "So, is Franklin behaving him self this year?". I'll sometimes bring it up while in the car.)

Last summer, he had a bad experience at summer camp. We found out some of it at the time, but it's actually been over the past year, while in the car, that he's started being more forthcoming about some of the stuff that happened.

I feel like that w/o having you (the general "you" of all parents) staring at the child,it makes them less defensive. And I'd start out w/ the general "So, what happened today with A?" - just to see what she'll say on her own. THen go from there.

Past that - as this is ONE incident, I'd TRY not to get too worried that this is going to be another year like last year. It sounds like the teacher last year wasn't a good match for your DD. I'd try to wait this part of it out and see where it goes.

My mom rocked this approach, fairly successfully, throughout my teenage years.  It was helpful for her that I ended up having to have a shitton of PT after knee surgery and the place was half an hour away.

[drloretta]

Sept 29, 2015 11:55:08 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

What does she say when you ask her about it?

When we ask her about school, she generally loves it. She's grumbling a bit because they want her to do more challenging work, but she's also bringing home cool stuff she's done and is very proud of it.

When we ask her about an incident she instigated, she shuts down and says she doesn't want to talk about it.

[ECB]

Sept 29, 2015 11:57:36 GMT -5 drloretta said:

When we ask her about an incident she instigated, she shuts down and says she doesn't want to talk about it.

What kind of questions do you ask?  My other suggestion would be to start out with "Did A do something to upset you?" - try to put the focus on A just to get her to open up.  

[drloretta]

Sept 29, 2015 11:57:25 GMT -5 @barefootbarista said:

Hmmm. Many thoughts.

Did she actually "choke" her, or did she try to turn her head towards her?

I have many thoughts as well.

I don't know how this actually went down. I'd be getting first-hand info from my 5yo, and the teacher walked in on it. For all I know DD just grabbed the first thing she thought would stop A from leaving. 

I'm just hoping this is an isolated incident and we don't have another crap year.

[drloretta]

DH is already on the defensive, even before school started. He's ready to go into the director and ask why DD could go to a camp full of hundreds of kids, with mostly teenage counselors, and do fine while she can't seem to keep it together for Montessori.

I hope this is isolated and we don't have to move her during the year. We will if it's best for her, it would just be disruptive all around.

[drloretta]

F/U question, should I reach out to A's mom? We're pretty friendly and I know she'll hear about it from school, but thought it might be a good idea to hear about it from me as well. Or maybe let school handle it?

[ECB]

To what you said about your DH being defensive and how DD does fine at camp - this is what sucks. It can be ONE person who ruins it for a child. We had the opposite issue. DS has had a great experience at school, this past summer at camp was great. But LAST summer sucked. A large part of it was this one kid who was mean to him and the counselors who did nothing to stop it.

But kids are much more resilient than we sometimes give them credit for. now, maybe it really is that the school isn't a good fit. Maybe that's it. I won't discount that. But again, I wouldn't take ONE incident from this year where it sounds like things have been fine up until now as a sign that this will be another year from hell.

Maybe it will be or maybe it really is ONE issue and you need to try and work it out w/ your DD.

[drloretta]

Thanks everyone. DH is doing pickup today, I suggested the car approach to talking about it and seeing what happens. We are going OOT for a bit, so hopefully things will settle back into place when we get back.

ETA: DH is pretty calm about it, treating it as a one-off. And we have to keep reminding ourselves she's not the only one. She got bopped on the head by a boy just last week.

[aspentosh]

Sorry you're dealing with this. No help, but I think the talking in the car is a great first step.

[lurknomore]

Is it possible for her not to be in the multi-age classroom in the mornings? The set up you have has never been clear to me, but is getting her in with the K kids all day an option for you? It seems like the morning is daycare and the afternoon is K? Can she do all day K there? Or even if she did two different classes of K (assuming there is a morning and an afternoon class)? Anything to get her out of this teacher's class. I too am baffled as to why you sent her back into this teacher's class again this year, tho admittedly, if your gut told you it would all be great, I'd tend to go with it too.

[drloretta]

Sept 29, 2015 12:52:05 GMT -5 lurknomore said:

Is it possible for her not to be in the multi-age classroom in the mornings?

No. The whole concept of Montessori is mixed age groups so the older kids can lead by example, and the younger kids can pick up on stuff the older kids are doing. This is typical for a Montessori class, the age range is typically 3-6. For the final (kindergarten) year they are transitioning out of this age group. So in the mornings they are in a mixed-age class, and in the afternoons the oldest kids have their own track, as it were. No matter what, she'd be in a mixed-age class in the AM.

If this isn't a one-off, our first option would likely be to have her try mornings with the other teacher instead of the one she's with now.

[lurknomore]

Sept 29, 2015 13:15:49 GMT -5 drloretta said:

Sept 29, 2015 12:52:05 GMT -5 lurknomore said:

Is it possible for her not to be in the multi-age classroom in the mornings?

No. The whole concept of Montessori is mixed age groups so the older kids can lead by example, and the younger kids can pick up on stuff the older kids are doing. This is typical for a Montessori class, the age range is typically 3-6. For the final (kindergarten) year they are transitioning out of this age group. So in the mornings they are in a mixed-age class, and in the afternoons the oldest kids have their own track, as it were. No matter what, she'd be in a mixed-age class in the AM.

If this isn't a one-off, our first option would likely be to have her try mornings with the other teacher instead of the one she's with now.

Got it.  I guess I knew that but didn't put two and two together.  I think trying the other teacher is a great idea!  GL.  I know how much you guys have struggled with this!  Sucks dealing with kid crap for which there isn't a good reason why is happening.

[drloretta]

DH and I both talked to DD separately. It pretty much went down as the teacher said. Except DD said, "I touched A's neck." I asked her to show me how, and she gave me a vigorous side hug.

So yeah, I think choking was a bit overdramatic on the teacher's part, as I was imagining hands wrapped around A's neck. We still had a talk about respecting people's wishes. Hoping this is a one-off

[vtdiamond]

Aww I'm sorry you guys are dealing with this, but glad it sounds like a one off for now and hopefully the rest of the year will go better for her.

Having met S this all sounds so out of character for her. She's always so sweet, happy and well behaved.