My parents' marriage is falling apart.

[SusanBAnthony]

Long story short, my dad has always been pretty type a, pretty intense, etc. His career has ramped up in the last 8 years, at the same time the three of us kids have left the hose for college and then jobs. My mom has always been the laid back, type b nurturing type. Just to give some background.

Well lately my dad has been acting crazy. He got a big promotion and has huge work stress and long hours. He and my mom spend virtually no time together- they don't eat meals together, do social things together, etc. my mom would like too, he is just too "busy" which yes, he is busy, but he is choosing to prioritize everything but their marriage.

Meanwhile in the last 6 months his mom died, we moved far away with our kids, my sister (the youngest) graduated college and is moving out of the country for a job. And they are renovating their house (which was paid off but now they are taking on debt for the refi so I am sure there is stress with that). Long story short it has been crazy, but he is acting totally inappropriately- borderline verbally abusive to my mom. He basically only ever talks to her if he is yelling. He started some pretty heavy duty blood pressure mess all about the time this all started, and my mom (she's a nurse) wonders if some of his erratic behavior is side effects from the drugs. But he refuses to discuss it with his dr.

My mom started seeing a therapist, and asked him to come to counseling with him and he refused. She has talked about moving out. Also, my mom has an as-needed anti-anxiety script, valium I think. She typically uses it very occasionally as she had cancer and it makes her very anxious, so she will take a couple in the week leading up to her cancer check-ups. But now apparently she is taking more of them and acting loopy.

My sister is staying with them for a couple weeks before she leaves for her new job, and called me to tell me all about this. We are all going to be together at a family wedding in a month, and she thinks we should sit my dad down and have a come to Jesus with him. Frankly, I don't think my mom should put up with it, as much as I love my dad, because he has become a total jerk. Anyway, extremely long, sorry. But I wanted to try to give an accurate picture. Should we say something to dad? Stay out of it? Encourage my mom to leave? Wwyd?

[joenali]

Sorry your family is dealing with this. Just out of curiosity, how old are your parents?

[dexteroni]

Oh wow. Sorry your mom is going through this. If this were my family, yes, my siblings and I would have a talk with my dad. Not just in a "mom is fed up with your shit" way but in a "you've done such a 180, what's going on" way. At least give him one big chance to realize that everyone is unhappy with the way he's changed.

[SusanBAnthony]

53 and 55. They got married after college, it wasn't a bad situation there by any means. I think they drifted apart a little with rasing kids- when we all first left for college they struggled a little, but then my mom was diagnosed with cancer and they worked on their relationship a lot and really seemed in love. Now....

[SusanBAnthony]

We've all done the "dad, what is wrong we are worried about you approach" and he totally blows us off. I think we may need to come on stronger, more like "do you really want to be a loser verbally abusive jerk who puts his job above his wife and ends up sad and alone?".

But how do you phrase that more politely? I will say he isn't sensitive or easily offended, but still!

[mskitkat]

This was my parents, but switch my mom for your dad. Absolutely nothing we said to mom got through to her, not even after she nearly crashed driving drunk. I would go with encouraging your mom to leave if your dad refuses to go to therapy.

[Deleted]

Unless one of them is physically in danger, stay out of it.

[dexteroni]

Aug 22, 2012 17:34:06 GMT -5 SusanBAnthony said:

We've all done the "dad, what is wrong we are worried about you approach" and he totally blows us off. I think we may need to come on stronger, more like "do you really want to be a loser verbally abusive jerk who puts his job above his wife and ends up sad and alone?".

But how do you phrase that more politely? I will say he isn't sensitive or easily offended, but still!

Maybe tough love is the wake-up call he needs. Just take out loser and replace jerk with "kind of guy" or something.