Post by mom2twoboys on Oct 4, 2015 12:31:51 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. That is so much to deal with. I am glad you found a few things, but I would be heartbroken too if someone violated me so much and took so much sentimental stuff.
Oh i want to kick so many people. You are under no obligation to do anything but take care of yourself and take the time you need to grieve your loss. And there are no right times. If it takes you 1, 2 or 3 years then you need hat time and you should take it. And if you never feel you can help someone else deal with their loss that's perfectly understandable. You're not a grief counsellor and experiencing grief doesn't make you one.
Also, I heard something on tv about a woman who had lost her husband and was now hoping to start dating again (a couple of years later). I think this might help you prepare response to others who speak without thinking
"It's not about replacing him, I could never replace him. Im trying dating because I'm young and want to have someone to share experiences with and live. But nothing and no one will ever be able to replace him because he was special to me"
Oh lemons I'm so sorry & please feel free to vent away! So many hugs & strong, supportive thoughts. At this point, I think it's admirable you're still decorating & still keeping active (the rain probably suited your mood better anyway). Just keep getting out of bed every morning & hopefully your heart feels slightly less heavy every day.
Also, I heard something on tv about a woman who had lost her husband and was now hoping to start dating again (a couple of years later). I think this might help you prepare response to others who speak without thinking
"It's not about replacing him, I could never replace him. Im trying dating because I'm young and want to have someone to share experiences with and live. But nothing and no one will ever be able to replace him because he was special to me"
Thanks! I have no plans to ever date again. We talked about it and he encouraged me to, but I don't think I will. We had a lot of time to talk about life and death and all that so I think it's surprised me how intense grief can actually be. I never expected it to physically hurt or be so intense.
Oh i want to kick so many people. You are under no obligation to do anything but take care of yourself and take the time you need to grieve your loss. And there are no right times. If it takes you 1, 2 or 3 years then you need hat time and you should take it. And if you never feel you can help someone else deal with their loss that's perfectly understandable. You're not a grief counsellor and experiencing grief doesn't make you one.
Thank you for this. People have made me feel guilty for stepping away from mentoring caregivers and encouraging survivors. "God uses your experiences to help others"
I won't even pretend to understand how you feel. Whether you date or not really doesn't matter. And especially isn't relevant right now. I think she was saying that people think she wants to date and move on with her life. but they don't realize he'll always be there as part of her life in some way. And there is nothing wrong with that.
He was important to you. You two didn't choose to seperate, instead you've been forced to figure this out. Do whatever feels right for you.
Oh wow lemons, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this.
Were you a victim of a home invasion? I remember you saying something about church members who were helping taking your things? It's just unthinkable that you would also have to deal with that.
Yeah it was the cleaners and they took so much, including cleaning products. :-(
Also, I heard something on tv about a woman who had lost her husband and was now hoping to start dating again (a couple of years later). I think this might help you prepare response to others who speak without thinking
"It's not about replacing him, I could never replace him. Im trying dating because I'm young and want to have someone to share experiences with and live. But nothing and no one will ever be able to replace him because he was special to me"
Thanks! I have no plans to ever date again. We talked about it and he encouraged me to, but I don't think I will. We had a lot of time to talk about life and death and all that so I think it's surprised me how intense grief can actually be. I never expected it to physically hurt or be so intense.
Hugs. This is where I am too. If I meet someone after DH passes and it turns into a relationship, great. But I have no desire to actively put myself out there and look.
I'm hoping to get a Golden Girls sitch put together for my retirement years.
Thanks! I have no plans to ever date again. We talked about it and he encouraged me to, but I don't think I will. We had a lot of time to talk about life and death and all that so I think it's surprised me how intense grief can actually be. I never expected it to physically hurt or be so intense.
Hugs. This is where I am too. If I meet someone after DH passes and it turns into a relationship, great. But I have no desire to actively put myself out there and look.
I'm hoping to get a Golden Girls sitch put together for my retirement years.
I hope your H continues to be a survivor for many, many more years.
Eventually I may return to mentoring lung cancer caregivers. His oncologist asked me to contact her when I'm ready to be involved again.
I'm also thankful he was around when we discovered the theft. I'm not sure I would have handled it so well without him. So much random stuff was taken, and he kept reminding me that it's just stuff. While he was in the hospital the 2nd time this summer, I had to
I'm so sorry for everything you are going through . . . but that right there, the "it's just stuff" line, is fucking bullshit. It wasn't "just" stuff. It was your (singular) stuff, and his stuff, and your (plural) stuff. It was your sense of security, your sense of faith, your comfort, your home, your space, your connection to your husband, and what was left of your sense of control. You have every right to be feel angry, betrayed, violated. You were. (And if I have just made you feel worse, I am incredibly, genuinely sorry). I hate having my feelings dismissed; I'm sorry yours are being dismissed.
After all we'd been thru during his cancer journey, he was right...it was just stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell him that sentimental stuff was also taken. I didn't discover that until he was back in the hospital. He was having nightmares about it when we were first in the hospital. I was going to wait til we were back home to tell him what all was taken...but then we never both made it back home.
i'm so sorry lemons, you've dealt with enough stuff already. please don't let anyone guilt trip you or make you feel bad that you are not there to support someone else or a group. you have enough to deal with and you need to make sure that you're taken care of.
After all we'd been thru during his cancer journey, he was right...it was just stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell him that sentimental stuff was also taken. I didn't discover that until he was back in the hospital. He was having nightmares about it when we were first in the hospital. I was going to wait til we were back home to tell him what all was taken...but then we never both made it back home.
OMG . . . I am a moron. I thought it was your brother who said that to you. I am so, so sorry.
No worries! I agree that my brother is a moron ;-)
Are you local to anyone? Can we do anything to help you?
Yes! Exactly what you all did today! Encourage me through the sucky days! Thank you all for helping me get through today!
The second half of Oct and early Nov is pretty open on our schedule.
(Hugs)
Go to the support group that's best for you. You don't have to be anyone's rock at the moment. You put in your time. You need support for YOU. You need time to process and heal. I've seen some people jump into the mentor role, others there are too many emotions. You do what works for you. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
Yes! Exactly what you all did today! Encourage me through the sucky days! Thank you all for helping me get through today!
The second half of Oct and early Nov is pretty open on our schedule.
(Hugs)
Go to the support group that's best for you. You don't have to be anyone's rock at the moment. You put in your time. You need support for YOU. You need time to process and heal. I've seen some people jump into the mentor role, others there are too many emotions. You do what works for you. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
I felt bad asking to find a replacement mentor to the caregivers I'd been mentoring thru a lung cancer program...but it was too hard that their much older spouses were thriving on a treatment that didn't work for H.
Thanks for driving down to the visitation. It was so good to see you that night. My schedule is pretty much free, which is so weird after being a caregiver for 3 years. It's also been hard being busy 24/7 to not having anything scheduled.
Thanks for helping me get thru yesterday! I laughed when I read the griefshare email today, thinking yeah I experienced that pain yesterday.
Even though the advanced warning of your loved one’s death will not lessen the pain of your grief, a long- term illness does allow you to experience some blessings.
Wednesday will mark 2 months on this crummy journey. :-(