Another update on therapy. More for me than you.o

[notmyrealusername]

I had my second individual session tonight. We've had two couples' and H has had several individuals, as well. Basically, the summary of what we talked about tonight was that although my anger at him is justified, it's not helping him to be a better husband if I snipe at him and am continuously picking fights over little things because I feel sad about our loss of trust and intimacy. The therapist suggested that I find an outlet. He recommended writing or talking to friends, although he understood when I said I'd feel uncomfortable about hashing this out with my friends. SO.......even though I told myself the last time I posted was going to be the end of dishing it out on here, I think that this is a place where I feel somewhat comfortable venting.

***STOP READING NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ LOTS OF DRAWN OUT, BORING, ANGSTY, SELF-PITYING DRAMA**** Really, what's below is more for me than for you. I should probably write it in a journal, except journaling makes me uncomfortable and this outlet is already here, so convenient.

I am so angry at him. Therapist warned that it would get worse before it got better, and he was right. He had suggested that actually having consensual sex would help alleviate some of our issues (it had been several weeks since we had done it and it was far from frequent). He made it clear that it wasn't an expectation and I didn't have to, but suggested it might help. I do want to have sex with H. I love sex, and he's sexy and good at it. And I want our marriage to be better. So we went home and did it. And then a few hours later, woke up to H having sex with me again.

I am so angry at him. How could he sit there in the therapist's office and promise me that he would never do that again, and then do it NOT LESS THAN 12 HOURS LATER?!

It's been three weeks and I still can't stop being angry about it. I'm wondering if there's any point in continuing to try. Therapist pointed out that if this gets fixed (and he says it's very fixable) that we could go on to have a great marriage together. That's what I want. I want our child to grow up in a home with two parents who love and trust each other, who know how to work through the hard times and support each other. I married him in sickness and in health, and I really believe that this is a sickness. How can I give up when he's still willing to try and change? But I know that holding onto this anger is not helping him change. Getting mad at him over every.little.thing is not productive. But I don't know any other way to be right now.

I feel like I've typed a lot. Proboards says I have 57000 characters left, but I think I'm out of words for now. Did this help? Fuck if I know. I still feel angry. Will I stop acting angry?

[MWOS]

It's not fixable. I'm sorry. I very truly mean both of the statements I just wrote.

[alzi]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I truly hope you find a way to be happy, with or without him. But he has a lot of work to do to gain your trust. I hope he is as willing as you seem to be.

Bc you deserve better than to be treated that way.

Hugs.

[silva]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I can't imagine. I wish I had the answers but I think us listening is what you want so just know we are here.

[sake]

I am 100% positive that I missed this back story, but I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know what it is like to have someone repeatedly break your trust, when all you want is to try to make something work with them. That is a tough place to be in. I commend you for trying to make your marriage work. But remember to do what's best for you, and make sure you are taking care if yourself and your own stability.
I wish you all the best and lots of happiness in your future.

[gozf]

I am so, so sorry. What a mess. I'm pretty sure I couldnt forgive this or trust him again.

Ugh.

[peachykate]

I am with Mary. I am so sorry you are going through this.

[iamgrace]

I'm sorry. I don't even know what else to say. What a shitty situation.

[fuckyourcouch]

Aug 22, 2012 19:57:02 GMT -5 @gypsy said:

I'm sorry.

I'm so torn here. On one hand, I say run.

On the other, he seems like he is mental and it can be fixed.

This is my reaction. I'm sorry you're going through this but I don't think it's fixable and your therapist sounds awful.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry.

[callalily]

I honestly agree that you need a new therapist. What your husband is doing is rape, no matter how you break it down. This isn't fixable. You deserve better. I'm so sorry.

[Deleted]

I agree with everyone who says this isn't fixable. It really sounds like you need a new therapist. I'm so sorry that this is happening

[ElizabethBennet]

I'm so sorry

Honestly your therapist sounds kinda like a quack. He's telling someone to stay in a relationship where she is continually raped. If I were in your position I would be leaving. You do not have to live like this and I can't imagine that trust would ever be restored (for me at least).

[underwaterrhymes]

I'm so sorry, but I agree with Mary and jehc.

This is not the way you should have to live your life.

[gretchenindisguise]

Wait, I want to make sure I have the time line right.

You posted here about him having sex with you at night. We said therapy. You went to/are going to therapy. And then he did it again?

Is that correct?



Sent from my DROIDX using proboards

[flex]

Is he AWARE that he's having sex with you while you're sleeping?? Is he "sleep sexing"?? I don't mean this to sound snarky. If he's aware of what's going on, then I predict this marriage is doomed. If he's not aware of it, then he really needs help.

[notmyrealusername]

Aug 22, 2012 20:00:29 GMT -5 @jehc said:

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you, but your husband is repeatedly raping you. And your therapist is recommending that you go home and have sex with him willingly. That seems so fucked up to me.

In his (the therapist) defense, it had been about two years since H last did anything like that. He suggested that it was the first step to rebuilding trust. He was pretty horrified when we came back for our next appointment and told him what happened. He really laid into H and that's when they started doing individual sessions. He also suggested that we stop sleeping in the same bed until he has time to work with H, and that we delineate an exit strategy, i.e. if it happens again, do not pass go, go straight to divorce lawyer. And he specializes in treating sexual abusers. So I do trust him when he says he has seen this problem and says it is fixable.

[mudslide]

I completely agree with mwos. In my mind, he proved to you that it isn't fixable. I'm very sorry you're going through this. You deserve better. Thank you for updating.

[babygirlpriest]

I don't know your full background story but oh hon, I'm so, so sorry.

I cannot imagine how painful it must have been to have gone that far out on a limb to try to repair what he destroyed only to be violated again.

[frauschmindy]

You need a new therapist, who does not also see your H. I hope you can find the strength to do what you need to do. I don't believe this is fixable.

[OHMBLEEGOHHHHH!]

I got teary when you said he did it again.
I don't want to start the LEAVE NOW train again, but damn. He doesn't seem very willing to try and change, so I would give up. It's not like he just can't stop himself. He could have not done that.

[cleo29]

I can't believe your therapist encouraged you to have sex when he has been raping you (am I remembering that back story right?). I don't understand that at all.

I know you might love him, but if you were my friend, sitting in front of me sharing this with me, I would tell you to leave. That this is something that does not seem fixable. he continues to see nothing wrong with just having sex with you, whether you choose to or not, and i don't see how that is something that you should have to live with.

Giving you a big hug.

[speckledfrog]

That is awful. It made my stomach drop and I want to scream and cry for you. How absolutely awful.

I know you've heard it before, but not from me yet, so here were go...It's time to leave. He clearly doesn't have any interest in fixing this. You say that you married him in sickness and in health, but he promised to love and honor you. I am just so sad and upset for you.

[MWOS]

I want you to think about something.

Your husband went two years without raping you
He then raped you 12 hours after therapy to get to the bottom of his raping problem

This is about power, and he did that to exert his power over you again

[ElizabethBennet]

If your friend, or daughter, or sister was in this situation would you be encouraging them to stay?

[speckledfrog]

Another thing to think about - he heard your therapist tell you that getting mad at him isn't fair and then he chose to violate you and your trust.

[frauschmindy]

Aug 22, 2012 20:10:08 GMT -5 MWOS said:

I want you to think about something.

Your husband went two years without raping you
He then raped you 12 hours after therapy to get to the bottom of his raping problem

This is about power, and he did that to exert his power over you again

I was trying to figure out the timing, and the motivation, and how he could do this to someone he supposedly loves, and I think this is absolutely right. You hit the nail on the head.

[TrickyBob]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. And I'm sorry he did it again.

I agree with the other ladies, it does sound like a power struggle for him, that he needs that power over you.

You deserve SO much better, someone to love you and to respect you at all times.

[speckledfrog]

Is your individual therapist the same person as your joint therapist?

[notmyrealusername]

Aug 22, 2012 20:13:57 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Another thing to think about - he heard your therapist tell you that getting mad at him isn't fair and then he chose to violate you and your trust.

Oh, no. The therapist was very clear that it is absolutely fair for me to be mad. just that it doesn't help H get any better. And really, that is my goal. I want so badly to help him get better.

What would I advise someone else? Honestly, I don't know. I feel very very strongly that divorce is an absolute last resort.