I feel like everything in my life is "NO" these days. I realize that it's just being three, but any tips for dealing with this?? It's bleeding over to school too, which sucks, because I don't want her to be THAT kid.
For instance, this morning, DD happily picks out her dress. Me: ok, you need to wear leggings. Which ones? (these or these) DD: NO PANTS! I got her to agree by telling her she could wear her dress with leggings or I would make her wear jeans. Ok. Then: Me: which underwear do you want to wear? DD: NO UNDERWEAR!
Continue all morning. NO SHOES! NO PIGGY (ponytail)! Time to brush your teeth! NO!
We tell her that "No" isn't a nice word, and she shouldn't use it, but I'm not sure I like that approach. We try to reinforce being a good listener, and doing what we ask is part of that, but it doesn't work.
We tell DS that he has choices X and Y, if he refuses both, we give him a moment before we make the choice for him. He also is repeatedly told that some things are non-negotiable (like brushing teeth), and that if he's not going to let us do it then he'll lose other privileges (or stuffed animals at bed time).
As I posted yesterday, 3 is killing me slowly. I'm so tired of the sass and potty talk.
ETA: I don't have a problem with no-and IMO I'm not sure I'd continue down the road of saying that no isn't a nice word. I want DS to feel OK to use the word no...I'm OK with him telling me no and voicing his opinion, but not running the ship. I also don't want him to start thinking that no is a word he should never use-which, given his imagination, will only lead him to using it all.the.time or never using it (which I don't want-I want him to use it in a dangerous situation, etc.). Hopefully that makes sense.
Post by londoncalling on Oct 5, 2015 7:56:39 GMT -5
Some things are choice and some things have to happen. Underwear, clothes of some sort, and shoes are non-negotiable.
I will brush her hair, but if she wants it down and in her eyes all crazy then I don't fight that fight.
I would try natural consequences and see how that works. If we have clothes trouble that's related to the weather, I suggest my kids go out on the front porch and sit for a minute or two. Generally they run back inside telling me that it's too cold and "I need pants."
I would shy away from telling her not to say "no." No is important for her bodily autonomy, her safety and comfort, and for learning to exert herself as a teen/adult.
Post by dulcemariamar on Oct 5, 2015 7:57:36 GMT -5
I was going to post the same thing today. My almost 3 YO has been so grumpy and fights me on everything. I try to use the more "positive discipline techniques" but she almost never responds to them anymore. It seems that I have to use the counting system and the loss of a toy to get her to cooperate.
Some things are choice and some things have to happen. Underwear, clothes of some sort, and shoes are non-negotiable.
I will brush her hair, but if she wants it down and in her eyes all crazy then I don't fight that fight.
I would try natural consequences and see how that works. If we have clothes trouble that's related to the weather, I suggest my kids go out on the front porch and sit for a minute or two. Generally they run back inside telling me that it's too cold and "I need pants."
I would shy away from telling her not to say "no." No is important for her bodily autonomy, her safety and comfort, and for learning to exert herself as a teen/adult.
You said this much better than I did above. Thank you.
ETA: I don't have a problem with no-and IMO I'm not sure I'd continue down the road of saying that no isn't a nice word. I want DS to feel OK to use the word no...I'm OK with him telling me no and voicing his opinion, but not running the ship. I also don't want him to start thinking that no is a word he should never use-which, given his imagination, will only lead him to using it all.the.time or never using it (which I don't want-I want him to use it in a dangerous situation, etc.). Hopefully that makes sense.
This (and what londoncalling said) is exactly why I don't like saying that. But I'm not sure how to communicate to her that it's not acceptable at school to respond to every direction with "NO" either.
There was a time with DD in this house where there just were no choices. She just couldn't handle it. If there was XY choice she'd press my buttons for Z choice.
I started saying, "We are going to DC. Here is outfit. We're going to put it on!" I was polite and kind to her but phrased things so it wasn't an option. I was careful not to say, "Will you please get your shoes on...?' but "Please go get your shoes."
She's now over 4 and okay with choices again for the most part but sometimes if I'm in a hurry and need to get something done, I still don't give choices.
I was okay with NO. That never bothered me. I'd just say, "No isn't an option right now. You do it in 123 or I do it!" I never really punished for No. I just ignored it, took their hand and made them do it, or did it for them (which they hate).
I was also really sure to keep the routine the routine if at all possible. Same thing happens every day. She really needed it at that age and I'm starting to see it in my 20 month old kid. My kids are both very routine driven though.
I hide things that are a battle too. Wanting to wear your spring dress in February isn't even an option because I packed it in a tote you can't see, kwim?
I also built in 10 or so extra minutes to the schedule so we weren't all stressed about whatever argument was probably going to happen. I just never tell the kids. The less downtime they have for options/find other things to do the easier it is. Natural consequences also work well here. You're telling me NO and now we're out of time? Well I guess you don't have time to pack a toy for DC then.
ETA: I don't have a problem with no-and IMO I'm not sure I'd continue down the road of saying that no isn't a nice word. I want DS to feel OK to use the word no...I'm OK with him telling me no and voicing his opinion, but not running the ship. I also don't want him to start thinking that no is a word he should never use-which, given his imagination, will only lead him to using it all.the.time or never using it (which I don't want-I want him to use it in a dangerous situation, etc.). Hopefully that makes sense.
This (and what londoncalling said) is exactly why I don't like saying that. But I'm not sure how to communicate to her that it's not acceptable at school to respond to every direction with "NO" either.
What have the teachers/director said about ideas to help? Honestly, I lean on them a LOT and try to use the same techniques at home. We've recently started the conversation with DS about what it means to be a leader and to be a good example for his classmates since he's now the oldest in the room (they just had a bunch of kids move up). We talk about how he needs to be a good example and help "teach" the others what the classroom rules are, etc...and that he can do that best by doing them himself.
Otherwise, do you do a reward chart at all? DH's morning struggles were helped a lot by one of our categories being, "I followed directions in the morning!" (Also-my apologies to whomever I still owe a picture of our chart. I always remember at work and I don't have a picture of it anywhere!)
We're dealing with this right now too and it's super fucking annoying.
My technique is to offer a choice initially (similar to what you mention), but I pretty swiftly move to choosing for him and wrestling him into whatever he's saying no to, if he doesn't move quickly enough. I'm not big on discussion - I figure he was offered a choice and he chose to be a jerk, so now mommy is choosing to pin you down and brush your teeth. I don't have time for shenanigans!
Wine and crying are what I'm doing now. I wouldn't recommend my approach.
I am usually one for pnky's approach above, except I have to pin her down a lot and it just ends in crying that goes on for fucking ever and then I wind up wanting to tell her to STFU because crying over nothing for 10 minutes is grating as hell. So, I too, am at a loss.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that wants to do this. I often feel on here that there are so many unicorn children that just magically comply with whatever and that the "real" parenting side never comes out. There have been a lot of days lately that have involved a battle of the wills and more yelling than I care to admit. Unfortunately, the yelling seems to work because DS finally gets the fucking point that I'm serious. I hate that.
ETA: I don't have a problem with no-and IMO I'm not sure I'd continue down the road of saying that no isn't a nice word. I want DS to feel OK to use the word no...I'm OK with him telling me no and voicing his opinion, but not running the ship. I also don't want him to start thinking that no is a word he should never use-which, given his imagination, will only lead him to using it all.the.time or never using it (which I don't want-I want him to use it in a dangerous situation, etc.). Hopefully that makes sense.
This (and what londoncalling said) is exactly why I don't like saying that. But I'm not sure how to communicate to her that it's not acceptable at school to respond to every direction with "NO" either.
We talk about how sometimes we have to do things that aren't our favorite things, but always leave the caveat that things that make her feel unsafe, uncomfortable, or are touches she can say no to at any time. Her daycare teacher asked for a hug when she was leaving and she said "No, I do high five instead!" which to me is perfectly acceptable.
"It's not Mommy's favorite job to wash the dishes, but we need to have clean plates tomorrow so we can eat breakfast."
"Daddy has to go rake the leaves. It's not his favorite job, but we can't leave a mess that blows around outside."
We're dealing with this right now too and it's super fucking annoying.
My technique is to offer a choice initially (similar to what you mention), but I pretty swiftly move to choosing for him and wrestling him into whatever he's saying no to, if he doesn't move quickly enough. I'm not big on discussion - I figure he was offered a choice and he chose to be a jerk, so now mommy is choosing to pin you down and brush your teeth. I don't have time for shenanigans!
Wine and crying are what I'm doing now. I wouldn't recommend my approach.
I am usually one for pnky's approach above, except I have to pin her down a lot and it just ends in crying that goes on for fucking ever and then I wind up wanting to tell her to STFU because crying over nothing for 10 minutes is grating as hell. So, I too, am at a loss.
OMG yes, the constant crying. It's awful.
arch01 we are working on a sticker chart right now for being "sunny" at school (they have "sunny/cloudy/stormy" and she's in stormy most often for not following directions and being defiant). So we try to reinforce the "be sunny" stuff at home. This morning we looked at her chart together and talked about what makes her sunny, and that when she got home if she was sunny she'd get her sticker and a tatoo, etc. Then we said "ok, time to put on your shoes!" "NOOOOO!"
I thought about a sticker chart for each step (get dressed, brush teeth, put shoes on, etc) but didn't want to have 2 going at the same time. I thought that might be confusing. Thoughts?
I remember telling a kid "no" when I was babysitting once, and he said, "We do not use that word in this house." I thought it was hilarious.
Threenagers are tough! All I can say, is try to set yourself up to win. Have her pick out clothes at night, if that helps. Throw the shoes and leggings in the car, and put them on when you get to school, after she has a chance to get cold. Bribe her, like if she gets dressed every morning for a week, she gets an activity, screen time, or whatever is motivating. This method worked very well with my DD, who wanted a pillow pet at 3. She had to be a good citizen of our household for 30 days to get one, we made 30 blocks on a chart, and every good day got an X. She learned pretty quickly. It got where all I had to say was "Pillow Pet" if she wasn't behaving, and she would shape up (Yes, we ended up with 5 pillow pets, and she is very well behaved, even though she no longer gets rewarded and hasn't for years).
Stick to your guns, but be flexible where you can be. With my son, it only got worse as he got older. Nothing works for him that I have found, if he digs in his heals. I once even took away his birthday party because he kept unbuckling his car seat while we were driving, causing his sister to be late for school 5 days in a row, even though we allowed 20 minutes extra to deal with him. He refused to wear a coat last winter and it caused so many problems, I sent him to school without one, when it was freezing out. The teacher made him wear someone else's, and after that he would at least wear a light jacket. Sometimes it is better to pause the fight, like stop the dressing, and have breakfast, then try again, than to keep going and end up with a screaming mess of a kid. This too shall end, eventually.
Wine and crying are what I'm doing now. I wouldn't recommend my approach.
I am usually one for pnky's approach above, except I have to pin her down a lot and it just ends in crying that goes on for fucking ever and then I wind up wanting to tell her to STFU because crying over nothing for 10 minutes is grating as hell. So, I too, am at a loss.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that wants to do this. I often feel on here that there are so many unicorn children that just magically comply with whatever and that the "real" parenting side never comes out. There have been a lot of days lately that have involved a battle of the wills and more yelling than I care to admit. Unfortunately, the yelling seems to work because DS finally gets the fucking point that I'm serious. I hate that.
Yep. This is the first true test of parenting we've had. She's been so easy her whole life and we're finally struggling. Maybe it's our punishment?
Oh, and when I am "mean" (because I don't really yell, but will take away toys, threaten time out, etc), all she does is say "I WANT DADDY!", LOL.
Wine and crying are what I'm doing now. I wouldn't recommend my approach.
I am usually one for pnky's approach above, except I have to pin her down a lot and it just ends in crying that goes on for fucking ever and then I wind up wanting to tell her to STFU because crying over nothing for 10 minutes is grating as hell. So, I too, am at a loss.
OMG yes, the constant crying. It's awful.
arch01 we are working on a sticker chart right now for being "sunny" at school (they have "sunny/cloudy/stormy" and she's in stormy most often for not following directions and being defiant). So we try to reinforce the "be sunny" stuff at home. This morning we looked at her chart together and talked about what makes her sunny, and that when she got home if she was sunny she'd get her sticker and a tatoo, etc. Then we said "ok, time to put on your shoes!" "NOOOOO!"
I thought about a sticker chart for each step (get dressed, brush teeth, put shoes on, etc) but didn't want to have 2 going at the same time. I thought that might be confusing. Thoughts?
What about doing something upstairs on her bedroom door like this?
And that if she gets through all of the steps without a fight then she gets "sunny" on her bigger chart?
It may help for her to see it-even if she KNOWS the routine (which frustrates me to no end-it hasn't changed, kid!!). It may take a couple extra minutes, but she could move the clothes pins. OR-put a little sun on one side of the clothespin and a cloud on the other...3 sunny=sunny on her big chart, etc.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that wants to do this. I often feel on here that there are so many unicorn children that just magically comply with whatever and that the "real" parenting side never comes out. There have been a lot of days lately that have involved a battle of the wills and more yelling than I care to admit. Unfortunately, the yelling seems to work because DS finally gets the fucking point that I'm serious. I hate that.
Oh, yes. I feel you. I am far from perfect in this area and i often feel like shit because of it. I try, but I lose my cool sometimes, especially in public when I feel people's eyes on us.
Yesterday she went from fine to "needed to be taken out of the restaurant" in under 3 minutes. This led to me threatening to take away our trip to the pumpkin patch and actually telling her to shut up (not something I'm proud of), all over not wanting to eat a bite of pancake. Later, after I had broken down in tears, she told me pathetically "I want to be a good girl. I don't want you to yell at me." I started sobbing and she immediately asked to watch tv, brightly and smiling.
Sociopath.
DS' favorite is "I want a hug/kiss/to cuddle". He only seems to do this after he's been a little shit. Punk.
Ds is king of hitting kicking and pushing me, crying for five minutes and then finding me and saying "I sad bc you went away and I want a hug!" Dude, don't hit me in the face and maybe I would stay! He's so crazy.
You could try a routine chart - no reward associated, just pictures for everything. Then instead of telling her what to do, you ask "What comes next?". They like feeling like they're telling YOU what to do.
But you may have seen this photo of my kid last week, so perhaps I should not give advice.
We tried all the things and finally resorted to physically forcing him to do stuff like get dressed, get in the car seat, getting back in bed, brushing his teeth. I ask nicely once then I blankly and calmly (as much as I can) make him. It's better now at 4.
We don't teach him not to say "no" generally but we do teach him that he doesn't get to say "no" to us when we ask or tell him to do things. He has to do his chores, turn off the iPad, etc. like his parents say or there will be consequences. I don't phrase it as "don't tell me no" I phrase it as "you need to listen and obey your parents."
Had lunch with my godson on Saturday. "No!" with a smile several times. SEVERAL times. I love my friend and my godkids, but her parenting style is way too lax for me. Excuse me? You don't say no, kid. Especially as you've already gotten stuck in your seat twice, you need to sit on your bottom. "No!" Let's eat something besides raisins. "No!" Do you need more fruit? "No!" Let's have some milk, "No!"
Huh? What?
How old is your godson?
I'm a pretty strict parent compared to a lot of MMM (I'm not all free choice/have options/let's talk this out lovingly every minute of the day) but even my own kids do this.
Every kid does this and it has nothing to do with parenting style.
Esp. at 3ish and younger. They don't know what the hell they're saying half the time and trying to test the limits the rest. it's a learning process for everyone.
And sometimes I just don't care. If all my kid wants to eat is raisins? Are we all quiet? Nobody whining? Having an epic meltdown? Am I eating lunch in peace? Will we make it up at another meal? Have it?
Being a strict parent does not equal fighting every battle. And sometimes I make those statements as more of a suggestion than a must do. If I put the idea in their head they should try some green beans instead of raisins and not force it, a lot of the time they will. If I force it, they won't and nobody wins.
Had lunch with my godson on Saturday. "No!" with a smile several times. SEVERAL times. I love my friend and my godkids, but her parenting style is way too lax for me. Excuse me? You don't say no, kid. Especially as you've already gotten stuck in your seat twice, you need to sit on your bottom. "No!" Let's eat something besides raisins. "No!" Do you need more fruit? "No!" Let's have some milk, "No!"
My sympathies! I think you've tried a sticker chart before, but have you tried one recently? We just started one with DD last week, and its been great. She loves being the one to put stickers on it, and I rewarded her on Saturday for a good week by letting her pick out a new nail polish.
If you want, I can send you the one I made. I have one for morning and one for night.
My sympathies! I think you've tried a sticker chart before, but have you tried one recently? We just started one with DD last week, and its been great. She loves being the one to put stickers on it, and I rewarded her on Saturday for a good week by letting her pick out a new nail polish.
If you want, I can send you the one I made. I have one for morning and one for night.
we do have a routine chart and it's great. Maybe I just need to amend "pick out clothes" to pick dress AND leggings now that it's cold. Of course the last time she picked her leggings she picked purple/lilac striped ones because she insisted they matched her dress, which had gray and yellow stripes. LOL.
Post by thebreakfastclub on Oct 5, 2015 10:04:49 GMT -5
I am still feeling like a jerk for fighting with DS last night. He knows and has been told 1000 times to not touch my glasses, and he still knocked them off right before bed on purpose. I got really angry with him and yelled at him pretty good. Then he wouldn't let me put him to bed and turned away so he didn't have to look at me before going to sleep.
I know he's not even 3, and I need to be better than this, but it's so hard in the moment, especially when you know it's intentional. We had a great day together and this is just ruining it in my mind.
Sometimes I can break the defiance cycle with silliness. Like yesterday, he WOULD NOT put on his shoes to go out. So I gave him to the count of three and put them on for him. While I am putting them on for him he is SCREAMING so I started tapping his bum with the shoe ( LIGHTLY ) while singing " I won't put on my shoes I am so silly Now my shoe is on my BUM"
He immediately sat up. put his shoe and coat on and said " Shoe go on the FEET not the BUM LOLOLOLOL" and just like that we were ready.
I watched this work at preschool " Hey kids should we RUN down the hall?" "Noooooo" it sounds silly but making him be the one to correct ME makes him suddenly compliant.