I always knew I wanted kids. I never pictured 'grown up' life without them. I have a disability and figured I'd have to do it on my own.... but I have an amazing husband and am 9 weeks pregnant with our first.
Because of my disability and other factors I'm high risk so this will be our only biological child. We plan to adopt our next child. When H and I were dating I told him that I'd be high risk/might not be able to have bio kids. He was the only guy who I knew at that time that would be 100% ok not having bio kids so I knew he was for me. (heart)
Post by hbomdiggity on Oct 5, 2015 21:09:19 GMT -5
I didn't always want kids. But I did have this idea that when we were old we would have children/grandkids.
We put it off and off. Finally with our careers in a good place, a house, and the realization that I wasn't getting any younger, it became a consideration. Then my dad got sick and we realized that we didn't want to be old without kids.
We were married 8 years before having our first. I was 35. This is def not a decision you have to make right away.
As a kid, I never imagined myself with a husband and baby but would imagine myself single with a tween. Very odd. DH and I married young and assumed We'd have kids, but we didn't get the strong urge. We almost decided at 30, but neither of us were feeling a need and DH was more "I'll be excited if you're excited" which I wasn't because I'm lazy, I like to travel, i like to work, and I don't like kids. At 33 it was time to remove the IUD and I had swung all the way to really thinking about not having them. At 35, I'm starting to cement my decision and keep checking in with DH to see if he has a strong desire either way. My parents know and don't mind since they are grandparents, but I feel too guilty talking to MIL and hope that SIL has told her (she's mid 60s with three grown kids and no grandkids).
I love animals more than people and I hate overpopulation. I would consider adoption if I change my mind in the future but I'm not sure about DH. I often feel left out compared to woman my age but I also have role models of people without kids (or ever getting married). I pour my heart into my two cats, which is not the same as kids, but it's my outlet for nurturing.
Sorry to be so long winded. I lot of my comments echo others in this thread. This board and these threads have given me a lot of courage about fitting in and being happy without kids.
Post by marshamarsha on Oct 5, 2015 22:24:48 GMT -5
I don't want children, but I worry if I don't have them I will regret it later in life. I think about this daily. My DH thinks the same way. I honestly have no idea what we'll do. Right now when I look at children I can only think of the scrafice I'd have to make. I'm only 31 so I still have time. 35 is my cutoff so we'll see how I feel then.
I want kids because I want to make MH a dad. I want us to share the experience and create something together, something all our own and nobody else's.
I want him to be a dad, not so much for me to be a mom. I want to be a mom to HIS children. If it was just me, I wouldn't care about being a mother at all.
The main reason is that I just have never felt any sort of emotional desire to have them. I don't dislike like children but I don't get soft and gushy when I see a baby. There are really disgusting things about kids that I don't want to deal with. There are other reasons too of course: the world is overpopulated as it is and if it ever comes to a point of lack of resources I don't want to have children I have to worry about fending for, I enjoy our lifestyle as is and we wouldn't even be able to maintain it a little with children, I really worry about what the world is coming to, etc...
But mostly, I have never had a desire to be a parent. Not even when I was a kid, I would get mad when someone would say things like 'when you grow up and have kids'. It's just not in my DNA.
I could have written this word for word.
I'm an only child, and didn't grow up around young cousins, so I was never accustomed to being around children. I never developed the "thing" that many women get around babies or kids. This, coupled with the (very real) fear of being a terrible parent made up my mind in my teens. It was highly frustrating to hear people dismiss my thoughts and concerns due to my young age, or the stupid biological clock thing.
As I got older, I stuck more firmly to my feelings, and lost more than a few potential boyfriends because I felt so strongly about it. When I met my (now ex) husband at 28, he assumed he would have kids because that's just what you do. The idea of having a kid with him didn't make me hyperventilate, so I figured he must be the one! We actually married with the thought that we'd be open to having one child. Then after about a year of marriage, he confided that he really enjoyed his life the way it was and didn't feel like we were missing anything without kids. Thank god, because I'd gone back to my no way in hell stance.
In the end we divorced, but not because of that. He's still childfree, and I was thrilled to find out my new boyfriend had gotten the V at age 25 so I didn't have to have that conversation with him.
I'm 42 now, and so glad I don't have to deal with birth control anymore!
My life is very fulfilling, and I'm proud of many things I've done. I've never once felt my life was lacking because of my childfree status. I feel like I'm the best person I can be because I didn't force myself to adhere to society's standards on what families are supposed to be. Coming from a very small family to begin with, I've always felt friends are the family you get to choose.
Thanks, everybody. It seems like, for most people, it's a strictly hormonal thing. You're either into babies or you're not, and it rarely seems to change for people. The only thing I fear is the regret as dr.girlfriend mentioned. Maybe not regret so much as the "what if..."
None of my dreams for myself as a kid had children in them, at least not that I can remember. Kids just seem like a lot of damn work and money, and even with all the best parenting in the world, you can still end up with a bad seed. I could probably happily enough manage a kid until middle school, but after that, I'm out, lol.
Ironically somebody brought a baby into the office last week. Every woman swarmed that carrier, and one of our administrators INSISTED on changing a diaper. This is clearly not in my DNA.
I'll just hope SIL moves back and I can steal my nephew for a weekend here and there.
Post by dr.girlfriend on Oct 6, 2015 9:07:11 GMT -5
I will add the other perspective. I have a cousin quite a bit older than me. She was always very focused on her career (and had an amazing international career). She never really wanted to have kids, and then I don't know if the one she had was an "oops" or a choice, but I don't think that's worked out so well. She never really wanted to change anything about her life -- continued to move every two or three years internationally for her job, went on big vacations without the kid. And is just...not a maternal person. Her daughter is a teenager now, and has actually said, "I think maybe my mom should never have had kids." And TBH I think she's right. Not that people who are childless are selfish, but I think some people do want the life they want without compromise, and if they force themselves into a decision just because, it's not good for anyone. It probably didn't help that the dad was completely opposed to the pregnancy, had his own international lifestyle, etc. But I don't think you can force maternal feelings where they don't exist, and maybe they'll magically happen once you hold your child in your arms, but what if they don't?