Wwyd... preschool moms & teachers

[alicia45]

Today was parent-teacher conference day at preschool. For the last several weeks, Addison has been having trouble with a girl in her class. We'll call her Sally. Sally has come from a rough start in life and she's in the process of being adopted. There seems to be lasting implications of her previous start. The first week of school Addison came home crying because Sally took her scissors and said mean things to her. We talked about it and what to say to Sally and to tell the teacher. The next week, two days were rough and Addison came home crying about how mean Sally is to her. Last week, Monday, the same thing. I'd been trying to give her the words to say, the directions to tell the teacher and all that but my shy kid just takes it and unloads when I pick her up. At this point, I was concerned, so I emailed her teacher. Her teacher called and we chatted for a long while and she shared that Sally is in fact a hard kid. She's mean to other kids but they're working on it. I asked her to encourage Addison to play with other kids and leave Sally alone. The following days, the teachers have been separating them and Addison has made 3 new friends. Thank goodness! Here's the past that I'm stuck on. My kid has been going around to her friends, talking about how mean Sally is. She tells her friends all about it even when Sally isn't even at school. Her teachers want me to handle it at home. I asked what they're telling Addison about it and she said nothing. She said we (as in me and the teachers) need to figure out what to tell her so that she stops saying that. The teacher was all, "what if Sally's mom hears that?" Part of me feels bad that Sally had a rough start and is still learning how to play nicely but on the other hand, this is my kid's perception and she's not wrong. I told her teacher that we'd support her with the same verbiage at home, but I need to know what that is and that they need to nip it in the bud at school.

Tell me. How would you handle this?

[sunshineluv]

I don't think I would do a whole lot. I am willing to bet Addison will quit talking about Sally soon, and this will fade away. You talking to her about it at home, may even keep it more in her head.

I do think the teachers need to say something to her in the moment, but something simple, like that's not nice to say.

I am glad to hear Sally is getting some more stability in her life .

[CrazyLucky]

How old is your DD? I agree with PP that this should really be solved more at the pre-school. She should be corrected when it happens. "Addison, it's not nice to say things like that." It's so much easier to correct young kids at the time of the offense than later at home.
I also agree with PP that she'll quit soon on her own. Right now, it's so fresh in her mind that Sally was mean to her. But once she starts having fun with her new friends, she won't talk about Sally much.

[ivegotthemunchkins]

Yeah, I think the school should be handling it in the moment. However, it never hurts to reiterate how it's not nice to say mean things about people when you are at home with her.

Good luck. I hope this gets resolved and passes soon.

[Deleted]

I would say "I understand Sally made you sad but we're happy now let's go do xyz with Sophia and Claire"

[mcburglar]

I think it is appropriate to remind A that you love people even if they are mean--you don't have to play with them but you still need to love and care for them. I don't really think it is appropriate for you to harp on Sally at home.

This behavior isn't Sally's fault. A can't understand that but you do and can encourage nice words for everyone without calling out the specific behavior or interaction.

[ruby412]

It may be helpful to give Addison a replacement phrase. Instead of referring to Sally as mean, explain that she is still learning how to make good choices. You can praise A for her making good choices - one of those is being kind to others. Explain that using the word "mean" to describe others isn't kind.

I disagree with mcburglar that A should be encouraged to love her. We have to be kind to others, but we also want to empower our girls to stay away from "mean girls" and choose to go play with a different friend. Hopefully that makes sense.

[katfco]

Part of this is likely related to her expressing her memories. Caleb was pushed once by a boy in class, and for 3 weeks after that, talked about how Logan pushed him. It took me forever to realize it was just that one time, that he was still talking about.

I think redirecting her attention and maybe saying something like, "She's not being mean now, right?" might help. Even if the reason she's not being mean is because the girls aren't together, maybe it'll change the notion that Sally is permanently mean.

[Faevantastic]

Oct 5, 2015 20:14:39 GMT -5 ruby412 said:

It may be helpful to give Addison a replacement phrase. Instead of referring to Sally as mean, explain that she is still learning how to make good choices. You can praise A for her making good choices - one of those is being kind to others. Explain that using the word "mean" to describe others isn't kind.

I disagree with mcburglar that A should be encouraged to love her. We have to be kind to others, but we also want to empower our girls to stay away from "mean girls" and choose to go play with a different friend. Hopefully that makes sense.

But... We're talking about 3 year olds here.

[badgermom]

I tend to tell kids we all have things were are great at and things we are working on. I'd point out one of Sally's strengths and acknowledge she's working on remembering kind words. If a kid persists in pointing out a peers flaws, I tell them it's actually not kind to point out what our friends are working on. I don't let kids say someone is mean and try to teach them to say they didn't like when they did xyz and it made them feel mad/sad/scared/frustrated. We focus on how we all have to treat one another kindly. That doesn't mean everyone had to be best friends, but kids have to be polite, not exclude, and be willing to do work with anyone. We talk about letting friends fix up mistakes and then letting it go, but I don't force kids to play with someone who is being unkind to them because I think it sets up bad habits for how people expect to be treated in relationships. I don't think it's healthy to tell kids that they have to be close friends with someone who is saying unkind things to them or hits/pushes them. Think it's weird that the teacher is pushing it off on you to coach her through this. I hope things get better soon.

[ruby412]

Oct 5, 2015 20:44:11 GMT -5 Faevantastic said:

Oct 5, 2015 20:14:39 GMT -5 ruby412 said:

It may be helpful to give Addison a replacement phrase. Instead of referring to Sally as mean, explain that she is still learning how to make good choices. You can praise A for her making good choices - one of those is being kind to others. Explain that using the word "mean" to describe others isn't kind.

I disagree with mcburglar that A should be encouraged to love her. We have to be kind to others, but we also want to empower our girls to stay away from "mean girls" and choose to go play with a different friend. Hopefully that makes sense.

But... We're talking about 3 year olds here.

Still stick with what I said. It's important to be kind to others but also be confident in your ability to walk away from someone who is "still learning to make good choices." It starts when you're 3 and continues when you're 33! Probably beyond that too but I know I personally stopped caring in my 30s, lol. Life is about choice. If someone isn't for you, go find someone else who is. I believe that telling a child they "have to love" another who is mean to them is wrong. It has nothing to do with Sally. She's had a rough start and will figure out her path. That is separate from Addison. Addison should be taught that we don't say unkind things about others, for sure in the process. But she should be empowered too.

Based on working with kids and lots of child development courses, this is what I would do. Everyone is okay to feel their own way, so perhaps you'd do it differently. But empowering children to be confident from when they are very little is important to me, especially when it comes to girls who are not nice.

[ruby412]

Just as I will empower and encourage my girls to always stick up for someone being bullied. I feel strongly about this (obviously haha) and have done recent coursework on it. So, I felt like I needed to share my thoughts on it.

[ruby412]

Oct 5, 2015 21:06:50 GMT -5 badgermom said:

I tend to tell kids we all have things were are great at and things we are working on. I'd point out one of Sally's strengths and acknowledge she's working on remembering kind words. If a kid persists in pointing out a peers flaws, I tell them it's actually not kind to point out what our friends are working on. I don't let kids say someone is mean and try to teach them to say they didn't like when they did xyz and it made them feel mad/sad/scared/frustrated. We focus on how we all have to treat one another kindly. That doesn't mean everyone had to be best friends, but kids have to be polite, not exclude, and be willing to do work with anyone. We talk about letting friends fix up mistakes and then letting it go, but I don't force kids to play with someone who is being unkind to them because I think it sets up bad habits for how people expect to be treated in relationships. I don't think it's healthy to tell kids that they have to be close friends with someone who is saying unkind things to them or hits/pushes them. Think it's weird that the teacher is pushing it off on you to coach her through this. I hope things get better soon.

Well said. I agree!

[mcburglar]

I think you can teach someone to love everyone but that you don't have to play with everyone. In no way was I suggesting A keep playing with Sally.

[mcburglar]

But this isn't a "mean girl." I get how young it starts and I fully support giving girls better tools to deal with it but this is a three year old.

Thad deals with kids everyday at daycare who are in families who take home less than 1,000 a month. They often have issues stemming from poverty and unstable home lives. We don't tell him to just stay away from those kids. We don't say he has to play with them. But we do say he has to use loving words and actions even if they aren't.

[ruby412]

Oct 6, 2015 5:05:42 GMT -5 mcburglar said:

But this isn't a "mean girl." I get how young it starts and I fully support giving girls better tools to deal with it but this is a three year old.

Thad deals with kids everyday at daycare who are in families who take home less than 1,000 a month. They often have issues stemming from poverty and unstable home lives. We don't tell him to just stay away from those kids. We don't say he has to play with them. But we do say he has to use loving words and actions even if they aren't.

I hear what you're saying. But using loving words and being told to love someone are 2 different things to me. Perhaps they are more similar to you coming from a religious standpoint? I am not religious but I know the love thy neighbor thing is a part of it and could be interpreted differently.

I have had a "Sally" on my caseload for 2 years. Almost the exact same situation. And I assure you, she was in fact quite mean. She is learning and growing. It's not her fault and as a stable adult in her life, I show her lots of compassion and love. She has experienced trauma. But that doesn't mean the other children should tolerate those types of actions. But, yes, they must be kind to her.

[alicia45]

ruby412

That's where I'm at. Sally has had a rough start but that doesn't give her permission to be mean to everyone else. The teachers know I was a teacher and I think I've been given too much info because I know their lingo. Sally is mean to everyone, teachers included. My kid seems to be sensitive to it. She's 3, but eventually I plan to teach her what to say when someone isn't playing nicely, and to get up and find another friend to play with. I want her to have the courage to stand up and walk away. Only in my 30s do I now not give a crap about mean people and their thoughts about me. I'd like for her to learn that lesson well before 30.

I talked with dh and we agreed that if she talks about Sally out of the context of asking about her day or flat out says she's mean, then we'll talk to her about it. Preschool needs to address it when it happens at school. Sally has been absent the last two days so it's forced Addison to make new friends, which is good. I'm still a little annoyed that her teacher tried to pass it off to me.

[fusion]

yeah, the teacher telling you, another parent, about HER specific issues with a child makes me super uncomfortable and would also be something I would address. The teacher needs to deal with what happens at school and you can say that you are talking about kind words at home, but beyond that the teacher needs to be redirecting and figuring it out. As with previous posters I don't think harping on other kids is something that needs to happen at home and that if you focus on positive words and thoughts and talking about the positive traits in her new friends, etc, that this will pass.

[devotchka]

Wow, that's hard.

Max has had some scuffles w/ kids at school but not on this level. I talk to him about how sometimes kids can be mean, but that doesn't mean that they are "bad" - and to try to forgive them and move on and not take it personally. I tell him if you don't want to play with someone, don't, and if they are being mean to you - turn around, walk away, don't play with them and if they are hitting/hurting you, tell a teacher. It's been working with the "bullies" of the school. I've seen him really stand up for himself and in a way where he's not being a bully either and I am glad he is able to. I've also told him to specifically tell the kid "you are being mean, so I am not going to play with you." I never really thought about how Max would talk about the kid being mean to other kids but I just never thought it was something I would have to think about.

So... I don't really think it's your place to harp on your kid to not talk about the other kid who is being mean at the playground. Kids are going to talk and the teachers need to figure out how to handle that themselves. If that means taking each kid aside and talking to them about the kids in a positive way, then so be it. They are there, you are not, and they need to deal with it. I agree w/ fusion that it's also inappropriate that the teachers are telling you about their feelings about a kid too.

Anyway - even with his bffs, they sometimes fight, and Max tells me that they've been mean to him in the past. He will still play with the kids that are nice to him most of the time, but there are a few kids at school that he specifically avoids. The bully that I mentioned above, a kid who basically just has some behavioral problems, for example, is someone he will never play with anymore because it just never turns out well. I'm not sure if that kid has really learned from that though :/

Not sure if this his helpful or not - but I hope for you that this will be resolved by the school.