I am cringing so much that you're calling your daughter stupid over this. I sounds like she actually has pretty good online practices - phone calls, chats, meeting in a public place, etc.
A lot of people meet other people online. It's all in how you do it that makes it safer vs dangerous. While I'd be irritated that you asked her to do one thing, and she did another, I think I'd segue all of this into talks about good online practice and please, let us meet your boyfriend.
I'm also firmly here. Calling her stupid for this is... yikes.
The fact that he is wanting to know you speaks volumes.
I am not saying there is not some kind of consequence needed for the lying part.
But you need to realize that you can't keep them apart. You only make him more attractive by telling her to stay away. Trust. My 17 year old self loved me some John Paul and OMG was he the hottest thing ever. Mainly because my mom loathed him.
Speaking as someone who met their now husband online when they were 17, it could be a loooot worse. At least she didn't give you two days notice before taking a day and a half long bus ride by herself to another country with no cell phone and only 100 bucks to meet him for the first time. I really should be dead in a ditch somewhere, lol. So, small blessings?
Yep. I met way too many strangers (often times men who were in their late 20s when I was 16-17) in places nowhere near as public as a band event. I cringe when I think about it. I was such an idiot.
The fact that he is wanting to know you speaks volumes.
I am not saying there is not some kind of consequence needed for the lying part.
But you need to realize that you can't keep them apart. You only make him more attractive by telling her to stay away. Trust.My 17 year old self loved me some John Paul and OMG was he the hottest thing ever. Mainly because my mom loathed him.
Yes to the bolded. I'm impressed he not only came up and introduced himself, but asked permission to date your daughter. I met my bf online (and hell many of my friends as well), so I can't really knock the online thing. Yes, she's technically not an adult, but she's 17, not 10. I would try to keep an open mind, although certainly she was wrong for the lying. I think you are wrong for calling her stupid though.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Oct 5, 2015 14:50:00 GMT -5
Also, the "at least" people are making me laugh.
If someone tries to tell me "at least" my toddler only colored all over the table and not the wall and the floor and be glad he used crayons and not poop, I'm gonna be irate.
It's okay for her to be upset about this. Sure, it's pretty awesome he wasn't 45 and she didn't hop on a bus out of town, but she is within her right to be pissed off.
How she handles it going forward is important because she doesn't want to lose the ability to communicate with her daughter, but I think people are delusional if they think they wouldn't be ticked their kid lied to them and continued doing something they asked them not to do.
Again, I think she needs to be careful in how she handles this since her daughter is almost an adult, but I can't give her shit for being upset or tell her she should be happy it wasn't worse.
If someone tries to tell me "at least" my toddler only colored all over the table and not the wall and the floor and be glad he used crayons and not poop, I'm gonna be irate.
It's okay for her to be upset about this. Sure, it's pretty awesome he wasn't 45 and she didn't hop on a bus out of town, but she is within her right to be pissed off.
How she handles it going forward is important because she doesn't want to lose the ability to communicate with her daughter, but I think people are delusional if they think they wouldn't be ticked their kid lied to them and continued doing something they asked them not to do.
Again, I think she needs to be careful in how she handles this since her daughter is almost an adult, but I can't give her shit for being upset or tell her she should be happy it wasn't worse.
I'm not saying she shouldn't be upset, just that maybe it doesn't warrant "state of shock/at a loss/my daughter is so stupid" level upset. I'm obviously not the bastion of wisdom though, so there's that.
Post by themysteriouswife on Oct 5, 2015 15:43:38 GMT -5
I think she's being a teen. My mom reacted exactly like you when I wanted to date my now H. I was 15 he was 17. I did lie about how often we saw each other. It speaks volume that he came to you. I would sit down with my daughter and go over ground rules of I were in your shoes.
I also agree with the PP who said it's tough navigating through this. We never went through this as teens.
Post by MixedBerryJam on Oct 5, 2015 15:51:54 GMT -5
If J is a friend-of-a-friend of your daughter, then I think most of the "OMG she met him on line" agita is a bit of an overreaction. But I would be majorly concerned about the fact that she continually lied to you about being in touch with him. I don't think not letting her see him is the answer, and I don't think forbidding social media is the answer; heck I don't think attempting to affect anything about her online existence is a fool's errand, to be honest: Any filter you put on, she'll find a way around. Any hour limitations you put on, well, how will you enforce it? Heck, I turned off our router once, and they just hopped on a neighbor's network. This is a good opportunity for a conversation about responsibility and trustworthiness and open communications and expectations (from both sides). Good luck!
They have a mutual friend, right? At least one person who could vouch for J?
I think you're overreacting. It's the 21st Century; this is how people meet. I'd be annoyed that she lied to you (but, um, did you never lie to your parents about a boy), but I give that kid huge props for approaching you and introducing himself.
Let it go.
All of the above. I am sure he saw her through a mutual FB friend's page and they started talking. he clearly likes her and she him. I wouldn't push this too much because I would be afraid she will stop telling you anything.
The kid came up to you an introduced himself and asked for permission to date your daughter. IMHO that is pretty friggen awesome
I think her daughter lied because she went "ballistic" about her even talking to a guy online. Reading all her texts and facebook posts. I would have fibbed as well if I really liked the guy.
Setting some ground rules is nice sentiment but teens will be teens.
My husband & I were at a band competition that she was participating in & lo & behold J approached us. It was the same kid from the Facebook page. He asked if I was K's mom & said he really liked her and was asking for permission to date my daughter. He also said that K told him she told her parents were upset about the situation. The kid seemed polite
Is this not enough for a pass?
I understand you are upset about your daughter's lying.
But this alone would give me some comfort that the boy is not a total creepy creeper.
I met my first boyfriend online through a mutual friend in 1998. Mutual friend gave each other's screen names on AOL. We mailed our yearbook photos to each other before we met in person, at his high school's basketball game (an hour away). We were together for almost 5 years.
I would vote to have another talk to DD about lying but meet the guy. She probably knows this "looks bad", which is why she was hiding...but in reality, lots of people meet this way now.
I would not be happy she kept contacting him, and I would not be happy she invited him to come to this event. I would not be happy with my high school kid dating someone in college, either. Surely he can find someone at college his own age/school level.
Eh, my good friend in high school met her college age prom date "online". It was 1993 and she met him on prodigy. We lived in NY, he was in NC - he flew up for our prom. He was very nice and normal. They were really just friends I think, but it's really not a big deal.
I would not be happy she kept contacting him, and I would not be happy she invited him to come to this event. I would not be happy with my high school kid dating someone in college, either. Surely he can find someone at college his own age/school level.
And, now you're in a spot where this person who KNOWS you don't want him in her life (and knows you have some generic reasons for your concern, if none specific to him personally) has managed to maneuver himself into being in charge of the situation.
No, I wouldn't like this. And in view of the fact that he's putting himself out to you as a college kid one year older than her, I'd want to see a copy of his transcripts, current student ID, and to speak to his parents in person. I'd also like to see his drivers license and I'd want to know where he lived and where his family lives. He doesn't know your daughter any more than she knows him, really, if they just met on line and chatted by phone.
YES. I'm an old fart. I don't care.
I'd rather my senior in HS daughter date a freshman in college than my freshman in HS daughter date a senior in HS.
I think immediately being a bit nervous about the online situation when she brought it up was totally normal. And it's totally normal that she lied to you and kept talking to him. It's not right that she did that, obviously, but that is a very typical teenage thing to do.
So I think give her whatever consequence you feel is fair for lying to her parents and have a discussion about that. But I'd give the boy a chance. It took some guts to introduce himself to you and your H, especially knowing ahead of time that you weren't really having this whole online dating thing. Invite him over for dinner, get to know him, you may really like him.
I think a separate conversation could be had about online safety reminders and tips. I would use this situation as a good segue to open the conversation but would not focus just on this kid. Your daughter will soon (possibly) be leaving home for college (don't know if she is going away or not but will eventually be leaving your house). The potential for meeting people online is high. Give her the tools to use to be safe about it. Honestly it sounds like she was pretty smart about meeting this guy. She waited to meet him until in they were in a very public place and kept the chatting to online/texting before that. That is more than a lot of people do, esp. at a young age, so she has a good start already.