A few weeks ago I overheard my 16 year old daughter on the phone, it sounded like a casual conversation, just talking about school. Later I asked her who she was talking to & she told me that she was talking to J. I have never heard of J & she said she met him online... through a friend. The story was he saw her picture thought she was cute & reached out.
I went ballistic. My daughter is smart, top 3 in her junior class, but obviously with all her book smarts she lacks simple common sense.
I reminded her of all the Lifetime movies we have watched together, all the scary news articles I have shared with her throughout the years, we talked about the show Catfish & how people prey others online. I made her promise to not talk to strangers online (& how stupid did I feel talking to a 17 year old about stranger danger.). In the meantime I went through all their text messages & checked out J's Facebook. The texts were all innocent and the Facebook page just looked like a typical teen, but I still laid down the law (I thought) & told her she is not to talk to people she doesn't know in real life. For a few days after I did ask her in a teasing way, if she talked to any strangers and specifically J. She always said no.
Fast forward to two days ago. My husband & I were at a band competition that she was participating in & lo & behold J approached us. It was the same kid from the Facebook page. He asked if I was K's mom & said he really liked her and was asking for permission to date my daughter. He also said that K told him she told her parents were upset about the situation. The kid seemed polite, but I was in a state of shock. He lives an hour away from her. He is a year older than her (he is in college.) & I honestly don't see how they can date with her school load and distance, but my husband told him he is welcome to come over to our house one day so we can get to know him and him us, and then we could talk about him dating.... & I know it sounds weird having to give permission, but I think we were both just shocked that this kid approached us out like this.
I asked her later how did he know we were going to be there and why was he there? Turns out she never stopped talking to him. She told him she was going to be competing there & he wanted to see her, so he came to see her. She said she wasn't honest with me because she knew I would be upset.
!!!
I am at a loss. I know lying to your parents is almost a right of passage for teens, but I am just numb by all of this. My daughter not only is stupid enough to build a relationship with someone that she has never met in real life, but she lied. I am relived that the kid is obviously a kid, but the paranoid in me wonders what if this is still a set up & he is actually working for a creeper?
My daughter is 16 (17 in 2 days). She has never had a real boyfriend and I just can't get past the idea that possibly her first boyfriend will be one that she met online.
I am really unsure what I am asking for... advice, help, or what. I just don't how I am supposed to approach this, or her.
They have a mutual friend, right? At least one person who could vouch for J?
I think you're overreacting. It's the 21st Century; this is how people meet. I'd be annoyed that she lied to you (but, um, did you never lie to your parents about a boy), but I give that kid huge props for approaching you and introducing himself.
I don't know, we're not here yet. I do think you need to try to find a way to talk to her (without blowing up and forbidding things). Treat her more like an adult, tell her why you're so scared and worried and ask her for her thoughts/perspective. Again, not "what the hell are you thinking" but "I'm concerned because.... or can only see things from this perspective.... can you tell me more about what you are thinking/feeling?"
I think letting him come over and getting to know him is actually ok? Only allow that for the near future though? I don't know. I've met people in real life from online, some are very dear friends now. So it's hard for me to say he's anything but a decent guy. But I'd be freaking out too. So no help here.
I'm not a parent, and I could be totally off base here.
What if you got to know this kid by allowing your daughter to spend time with him supervised by you? I think forbidding them to talk/see each other is probably going to make her just want to be with him more, or at least that's what asshole me would've done at 17. Is there a reason to believe he's shady or not a good potential first boyfriend?
ETA: And yeah, the vast majority of my IRL friends were internet friends first. None of them have skin suited me yet.
Post by compassrose on Oct 5, 2015 14:01:17 GMT -5
I think you guys are overreacting. It's not like she answered an ad on Craigslist and met someone she'd never met in a dark alley. He's a friend of a friend, right? And she never snuck out to meet him?
People meet online these days. Witness you, posting here.
He sounds like a nice kid, who was courageous enough to introduce himself to you and ask your permission to date your daughter. Get to know him, lay down ground rules, etc.
I mean, yes, punish your daughter for directly disobeying you by staying in touch with him if you feel you should.
But overall, it sounds like you have a good kid who met a nice boy (so far).
Eh, she's 16 I'm not one bit shocked she lied and never stopped talking to him. A 17 year old with the balls to introduce himself is much better than a 45 year old man.
Address the lying reasonably and get to know the boy.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I think that since she really met him through a mutual friend, it's different than if he just started messaging her on Facebook one day.
I talked to a boy a friend of mine knew on the phone for a long time and met him at a band event eventually. This was long before Facebook, but I don't see how it's much different.
ETA: I see she didn't really know the other friend.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
I think you overreacted. I can see why you'd be upset or worried, but yelling and basically telling her that she has poor judgment and that she isn't allowed to do something...she felt like she had no other choice but to lie. It doesn't sound like a rational conversation was going to happen. She's 17 - and as you said, she's smart. You have to trust that you've given her the tools she needs to navigate life and make decisions. You should have a conversation and build trust.
I also give the guy major credit for approaching you - especially knowing that you had told her not to talk to him. I think your response to him was perfect.
I can absolutely see why you're worried, but this seems like a situation where you need to exercise caution, but at the same time, it's not out of the question. These days, lots of people meet on the internet. And there is a mutual friend, so it's not completely random. This probably won't be the last time she'll meet someone on the internet, so you can use it as an opportunity to teach her how to be safe about it. Only agree to meet in public places, do not get in his car, do not give him too much information about her right away.
Eh, she's 16 I'm not one but shocked she lied and never stopped talking to him. A 17 year old with the balls to introduce himself is much better than a 45 year old man.
Address the lying reasonably and get to know the boy.
This is probably better. Count yourself lucky that you raised the kind of teen who, instead of continuing to talk to him so she could sneak around to make out with him, continued talking to him so he could come to an event and meet her parents.
I'd still be freaking out because "My little girl is growing up! Not ready!" but that's again, not helpful. So set that aside. I'm fairly certain predators would have just moved on to an easier target vs meeting parents.
I'm surprised you believed her. I find it hard to believe a 17yo would just stop talking to a boy she liked. Maybe I was just a "bad" teenager, but I think I was fairly typical.
Seems nice enough, and I think that's how people meet these days, especially with teens and social media. Some kids have like a bajillion IG followers. I'd have him over and see how it goes. Then I'd probably get her on birth control, and talk about safety.
They have a mutual friend, right? At least one person who could vouch for J?
I think you're overreacting. It's the 21st Century; this is how people meet. I'd be annoyed that she lied to you (but, um, did you never lie to your parents about a boy), but I give that kid huge props for approaching you and introducing himself.
Let it go.
So here is the thing, the mutual friend - she doesn't know in real life either. The mutual friend is a friend of a friend (that she does happens to know for real). & honestly who knows if that real life friend & the mutual friend of J actually know each other in real life. She is in band & all these kids seem to friend other band kids - oh your a band kid from such & such high school - befriend!
& yes, I know I am probably over-analyzing & I know I can tend to be paranoid. It's just a scary world, you know?
Post by underwaterrhymes on Oct 5, 2015 14:09:03 GMT -5
I absolutely understand your reaction.
However, I don't think your daughter is being stupid. She is being 17.
In this electronic age, kids and adults alike connect online. Much of the time it's harmless and fun, but obviously not always.
Here, I think you are waking a fine line. She broke a rule you laid out for her and it's important that she face consequences for that. But she is going to find a way to continue to communicate with this boy.
I think your H is on the right track having him over so you can get to know him. The reality is she is almost 18 and is at an age where she is going to be making her own decisions - many of which you are not going to agree with.
Keeping the lines of communication open, while still reminding her that while she lives under your roof there are rules she must follow is challenging, but important.
I think you are overreacting. My daughter is only 22 months, so take that FWIW, but I would think if J was trying to be shady in any way he wouldn't have introduced himself to you and agreed to coming over one day for you to get to know him better? Life does not generally follow the plotline of a Lifetime movie, thankfully.
If he's the friend of an IRL friend, I would think you're overreacting. But he's the online friend of an online friend that may or may not know her IRL friend in real life. That's a few degrees of separation from a guy who hangs out or knows a friend of hers. And she's 17. And you're her mom. I get it. I'd react the same way.
It takes guts for him to come to you and introduce himself. And he's age appropriate and seems clean-cut. Let him get to know your daughter, under your supervision initially if you're still uncomfortable with the situation. Address the lying separately from the "you can/can't ever see him again(!)" issue.
Post by sallywalker on Oct 5, 2015 14:11:09 GMT -5
I met friends of friends online and that was 14 years ago. I can only imagine what it's like for teenagers now. I started talking to a guy that came from 30 miles away to watch me cheer at a basketball game. Kids do these things. I wouldn't be overly concerned about the internet part. I would just get to know him as you would anyone else that she may date. She is 17 and sadly lying about boy stuff to your parents can be normal.
I'm not there yet with my girls, but I think we are going to have to become more comfortable with meeting people online. There are obviously very good reasons to be cautious and teach our children how to be careful. In this situation, it's probably better to have it out in the open. He introduced himself to you, and seems to want to do the right thing.
I think you did everything you could have done. She knows about the risks of talking to someone online. It may be short lived or it may turn into a relationship. But to get pissed at her for lying about this ongoing relationship really helps no one. Accept it. Support it if things go sour. I would have a heart to heart with her and say you just want her to be happy and if she ever needs you that you will be there. The more you dictate who can/can not date the more likely she will rebel.
I find it interesting that you are coming to an internet message board full of strangers about your daughter meeting someone online.
I think your first instinct to be upset and caution about online safety is fine. But, a lot of people meet online these days. It's how the world works. Teach about safety and teach her how to navigate this because she will be on her own very soon.
I would be freaking RELIEVED that this kid is who he says he is and had enough respect for you to approach you and ask for your blessing in dating your daughter. That is RARE. I don't agree with your daughter being sneaky and lying, but I also don't agree with her having free reign to do whatever she wants online without some oversight, which is how she got into this situation to begin with. Thankfully she didn't end up with some 45 year old pedophile and she respected you guys enough to tell you about it when asked.
See, I think this kind of thing is tough for parents to navigate bc for the most part, we didn't experience this as teens.
But, I have gotten into a car with someone I didn't know. And gone to a house of a boy I'd just met. And I did lie to my parents more than I told the truth.
I get why you're mad bc I would be too. But in this case, it's not me as the parent, so I also feel I can be objective. It is totally unrealistic for you to expect she never see him again and I personally think she did the best thing she could think of (bring him to meet you, and him asking permission, etc).
Kids are going to meet strangers online. It's unavoidable. Maybe what you could have done was ask to "meet" so you could have at least authenticated his and pictures. Maybe that's an approach you could take in the future?
Eta: I mean, meet on Skype or facetime or something
They have a mutual friend, right? At least one person who could vouch for J?
I think you're overreacting. It's the 21st Century; this is how people meet. I'd be annoyed that she lied to you (but, um, did you never lie to your parents about a boy), but I give that kid huge props for approaching you and introducing himself.
Let it go.
So here is the thing, the mutual friend - she doesn't know in real life either. The mutual friend is a friend of a friend (that she does happens to know for real). & honestly who knows if that real life friend & the mutual friend of J actually know each other in real life. She is in band & all these kids seem to friend other band kids - oh your a band kid from such & such high school - befriend!
& yes, I know I am probably over-analyzing & I know I can tend to be paranoid. It's just a scary world, you know?
It is, and I get that. I do. I teach 8th grade, and this really is how they grow their friends network. It's normal. We don't have to like it, but it's not going to change. Might as well get on board.
I find it ironic that you're posting about this on a public Internet message board.
Pot, meet kettle.
Okay, but she is an adult and her daughter is not.
It's normal for parents to worry about their children, especially when their critical thinking skills are still underdeveloped. And, you know what? I'm the parent. My kids do not get to do exactly as I do until they are living under their own roof and paying their own bills.
She overreacted, yes, but her own interactions online are irrelevant.
Speaking as someone who met their now husband online when they were 17, it could be a loooot worse. At least she didn't give you two days notice before taking a day and a half long bus ride by herself to another country with no cell phone and only 100 bucks to meet him for the first time. I really should be dead in a ditch somewhere, lol. So, small blessings?