I think you should have left him 4 years ago, since you obviously think he is a horrible father. However, I think you are just being irrational now. It sounds like you want to divorce him as a father, not so much as a husband. It doesn't work that way. You are stuck coparenting with him, and if you want that not to suck, you need to learn to communicate like grown ups. It is very unlikely that getting divorced will make learning to do that any easier.
Personally, I think you sound controlling, and I don't think your DH sounds like a bad father. I agree with others that you should have more frequent counseling sessions. I also think it is important that you talk about parenting in counseling if you aren't already. Also, since no one else seems to have spelled it out: Get a babysitter so you can talk about this freely when it is not in the moment and you are not in front of the child.
So, I'm the problem.
We have not discussed parenting in therapy. We've been focusing on communication in general.
Babysitter. H will never agree to that. He's against it because he wants someone he can trust AND family is the only one he's okay with to leave alone at our house.
We are moving before Christmas. And we'll end up close to where one of DD's teachers live. It may be controlling but I will push to have the teacher babysit for us or have her help me once in a while. H already said no before. But I plan to bring it up again.
I think you should have left him 4 years ago, since you obviously think he is a horrible father. However, I think you are just being irrational now. It sounds like you want to divorce him as a father, not so much as a husband. It doesn't work that way. You are stuck coparenting with him, and if you want that not to suck, you need to learn to communicate like grown ups. It is very unlikely that getting divorced will make learning to do that any easier.
Personally, I think you sound controlling, and I don't think your DH sounds like a bad father. I agree with others that you should have more frequent counseling sessions. I also think it is important that you talk about parenting in counseling if you aren't already. Also, since no one else seems to have spelled it out: Get a babysitter so you can talk about this freely when it is not in the moment and you are not in front of the child.
So, I'm the problem.
We have not discussed parenting in therapy. We've been focusing on communication in general.
Babysitter. H will never agree to that. He's against it because he wants someone he can trust AND family is the only one he's okay with to leave alone at our house.
FWIW, I think most people in this thread would agree that you both are the problem. I don't think it lands squarely on either of you. You sound kind of depressed and really down about things that, in all reality, aren't the end of the world. I totally agree that DD needs a bedtime and vegetables and all that jazz, but you are seriously thinking your marriage is over because of these things. These are important issues, but not marriage ending issues, if you know what I mean.
I think you both sound like good parents. You want what's best for DD, and your DH sounds like he wants DD to be happy but tends to overlook some things healthwise. You guys just need to do some tweaking to get on the same page about things.
You mentioned that he can work from home and DD goes to daycare. Can you both take a day off work, take DD to daycare, and have a talk? Don't take no for an answer. If he says you'll talk about it later, be very calm and kind, but say, "no, DH, these things are really bothering me and I want us to work together, I don't want a day to nag and argue with you, I really just want to spend the day together talking about us and DD." Stay home, go out to lunch, spend the day together. Is that doable?
You mentioned that he can work from home and DD goes to daycare. Can you both take a day off work, take DD to daycare, and have a talk? Don't take no for an answer. If he says you'll talk about it later, be very calm and kind, but say, "no, DH, these things are really bothering me and I want us to work together, I don't want a day to nag and argue with you, I really just want to spend the day together talking about us and DD." Stay home, go out to lunch, spend the day together. Is that doable?
Before therapy, we have never gone out before without DD. Since May/June, I try to schedule an afternoon out with him once a month. We have one scheduled tomorrow afternoon. Originally from 5-8pm, but we may need to have it earlier so we have time to really talk things through.
Just in case you're curious of the 8pm ending time considering H does not like babysitters, DD's daycare started a monthly parents' night out to where they keep the kids (and feed them dinner) until 9:30pm for $20.
Holy hell, I've been following this tread all morning and biting my lip.
OP, you are not the problem. Nor is your H. You BOTH contribute to the problem, which seems to be lack of communication on a variety of fronts if it's been the main focus of your counseling sessions. The communication/ mutual understanding of expectations of each other came to a head this week about the food and parenting issues.
Your counseling sessions need to be more frequent.
Your mutual priority needs to be raising a healthy, self-sufficient child. I think you all need coaching/ mentoring/ nutritional support, as it sounds like ALL of you could be putting better fuel in you bodies. You both need to agree to making your daughter's health a priority. Kids need a LOT of sleep, and going to bed at midnight is unacceptable.
Your daughter needs to be done co-sleeping. It's putting a strain on your marriage, which ultimately effects your daughter.
Your H needs to get over not having anoyone but family watch your daughter. You need to be connected as adults, and be able to discuss these issues without your daughter present.
Frankly, it sounds to me like your H is depressed. Late nights/ insomnia/ apathy/ procrastination and eating his feelings are all signals. That type of thing takes a toll on the whole family. Coparenting is HARD and it takes hard work and good communication to do it. Passive aggressive behavior on either of your parts (and I see his "it can wait a while" as passive aggressive) does no one any good.
Babysitter. H will never agree to that. He's against it because he wants someone he can trust AND family is the only one he's okay with to leave alone at our house.
Post by LoveTrains on Aug 23, 2012 12:46:01 GMT -5
I'll be the lone person to say that I think your H is being a poor father. It sounds like poor parenting to me to feed your kid junk food and put your 3 year old to sleep by watching tv, so that she falls asleep at midnight and then has to get up at 6:30 AM. It also sounds like poor parenting to not take your daughter to preschool/daycare when she is expected to be there.
I agree that there are some communication issues between the OP and her H, but the two things above are huge red flags to me regarding his parenting skills. however, I do think that they can be improved upon.
I think you're overreacting a little bit on the food issues. Sure, it's important to eat healthy... but, a piece of cheese isn't like a candy bar. But, this isn't really about the cheese.
You should probably sit down with him when DD's not around, and express your concerns with him undermining you. Ask him to respect your decisions on the food, the sleep, and the potty training - and, ask him how he thinks he can help get DD on the right track in those areas. Tell him you're frustrated and angry, but ask him to help come to a solution with you... instead of dictating one.
I agree with this. 3yo's are PITA's with eating... every meal isn't a big deal- it's the overall food they eat in a week that matters... so don't let something like this ruin your marriage.
BUT - if it's simply how he reacts to things all the time- under,mining you with your DD - that's an issue- and you should talk about it at counseling for sure. And yeah- maybe need to go more than once/month.
Also keep in mind that he's the dad and also gets to make some choices about your DD. I think a lot of marriages fall apart when the mom thinks that her opinion is the only one that matters with the kids. Dads have a different way of doing things- and it's now always so bad.
I posted way back about H and me having issues. We did start seeing a counselor. Our communication got better and we seem to be trying to work on things better. We see the counselor about 1x a month. We have a session next week.
Then yesterday... I was so frustrated trying to get DD (almost 3yo) try the food I prepared her. I just wanted her to try. If she doesn't like it, I won't force her to eat it. I've tried and tried. Then H gets home. He starts preparing himself dinner. DD sees him with cheese (her favorite). Of course, she'll ask for some. Then H tried to bribe her to try the food I made and she can have some cheese. Of course, he eventually just gave the cheese without having her try what I prepared.
Am I being unreasonable to be upset about this? I'm tired of this typical dinner routine. I just feel like DD would not even try any food I prepare because she will get the food she like with daddy. She eats almost zero fruits and vegetables and I'm worried/guilty/etc.
I feel like H is not helping to get DD eat more healthy foods. I'm tired/exhausted/frustrated that my efforts are wasted. I'm thinking what's the point of even trying. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'll just take DD to the pedi and discuss vitamins which I've been trying so hard to avoid. But DD is not eating much fruits/vegetables.
Other areas I feel H is not helping (or being counter productive on) are potty training and sleep training. Nope, he won't take her to the potty. It's all on me. Sleeping? I'm the only one who seems to want DD to learn how to sleep in her own bed. We've been co-sleeping. Not a big deal??? Well, co-sleeping with mommy OR daddy. Our beds are not big enough to accommodate the 3 of us. H is big. And nope, he doesn't want to buy a king bed.
So back to last night... I was frustrated and told H that if DD didn't want to try the food I prepared she gets nothing (no cheese). That's after H already let DD eat all the cheese. Of course, he justifies his actions. I was frustrated while putting away the dishes into the sink. He didn't like me throwing the fork into the sink from about 5ft away. He was wiping DD's face while holding her in his arms. All of a sudden he threw the paper towel at me. I was shocked and that made me really really angry!!! I tried to confront him and asked him WTF was that. Of course, he was saying it's because of me for being angry and throwing the fork.
I didn't know what to do and what to think. Now he's throwing stuff at me? I'm not really sure what to make out of this. Is it my fault? Tell me. Is there anything I can do or change? WWYD? I have not said a word since last night and left her take care of DD all night until now. Not sure if he dropped her off at daycare or not since I'm the one who does this every single day.
I don't really know what to steps to take now. I'm open to suggestions. I'm open to flames too. I just don't know right now who's right or wrong, or if that even matters.
Toddler eating is the most frustrating thing I have ever dealt with in my entire life. Try to separate that from your marriage issues. I think you're overreacting with the 'he's throwing things at me'. I would be really annoyed if my husband did that. But I would be even more annoyed if he was throwing things around in the kitchen particularly in front of our son. Confronting him in front of her was also a terrible idea.
Try to find a way to let the food issues go. If she sees it's working on your last nerve that is a huge payoff and the struggle will continue. You said she eats "almost" zero fruits and vegetables. So there must be something she eats. Work with those. My son doesn't eat many vegetables but he loves those pouch things so I make sure I buy only the ones with a vegetable blend. Use something healthy that she does like to entice her to try just a bite of something else.
It is ridiculous that your husband would eat something she loves in front of her while you're trying to feed her dinner. But we all do stupid things sometimes. My husband showed our son a bag of cookies before dinner last night. My jaw dropped and before I could say anything he said "why would I do something this stupid". If I had jumped on him first he would definitely have defended it though. Explain to him that you are exhausted from being the only dealing with this. My son has a speech delay and I've had to work very hard to get him to ask for things or sign/say something. My husband would just keep handing him things at dinner without him doing anything. One night I just, very wearily, said "I can't be the only one working on this all day long". He got it much better when I said it without the fury I sometimes display.
Post by laptopvixen on Aug 23, 2012 13:36:32 GMT -5
I think you need to resolve your own issues about your obese husband.
It's not normal to me to use the word obese in a sentence about the future of a not quite three year old.
It sounds like him committing to a healthier lifestyle would do wonders for all of you.
And please be careful around your daughter with your food issues, so many female eating disorders build solely around the relationship of the daughter to the mother, and the mother's relationship with food, and how she talks about health and beauty with the daughter.
All this said, your husband needs to get on board with "the rules" of raising your daughter, so that you have consistency. That is only fair to her. This also means dealing with the potty training. She can't be in a diaper when you're not home and then using the potty when you are home. This is all two steps forward and one step back.
You were obviously throwing things around the kitchen in anger last night (I get this, I am a cabinet slammer, just like my own ma) so I think it's a bit OTT to get all razzled up about the paper towel. Neither one of you was behaving maturely or respectfully.
I don't mean this to be as nearly jerk-like as it sounds, but frankly you'd have zero help if you left. At least he seems to love you, care for you, and love and care for your daughter, even if he sucks at helping.
Honestly, I think you're right. Posters in my old thread mentioned how much harder it is to be a single mom and dealing with visitations, etc. And deep down, I believe he loves/cares about me and DD. Although a part of me is questioning it because we can't seem to work together as a team. So, maybe it's me???
I had surgery this summer and have been laid up a lot, as well as unable to do everything I used to do. DH has had most of the cleaning on him. I have learned to SERIOUSLY unclench about my stupid self-imposed "standards" of what must be done and cleaned and washed and HOW it must be done and it's been seriously liberating and great for our marriage. Maybe there is a happy medium for you, too.
I just read the rest of the thread. Would you consider parenting classes? It sounds like you have absolutely no schedule whatsoever and children need routine. You said you let him take over bed time but it sounds more like you stood back and waited for him to fail. What exactly did he take over? Was there any kind of a routine? Using 'whatever method' you want does not cut it with bedtime. There needs to be a routine, and whatever it is, everyone has to stick to it. At the very least get a parenting book or look online for toddler schedules. See what the range is for hours of sleep 3 year olds need in a day and work towards it.
Post by hannamaren on Aug 23, 2012 13:50:52 GMT -5
How mich wife-husband time are you having? He may feel like your assistant instead of your partner in parenting and he may feel small as a man as a lover/husband. No blame, but with that as a barrier, he may not be open to listening as you list all the problems. I think you need to approach it like pp said "how do you want your life to be?"
I just read the rest of the thread. Would you consider parenting classes? It sounds like you have absolutely no schedule whatsoever and children need routine. You said you let him take over bed time but it sounds more like you stood back and waited for him to fail. What exactly did he take over? Was there any kind of a routine? Using 'whatever method' you want does not cut it with bedtime. There needs to be a routine, and whatever it is, everyone has to stick to it. At the very least get a parenting book or look online for toddler schedules. See what the range is for hours of sleep 3 year olds need in a day and work towards it.
This is really harsh. It sounds like if the OP tells him what she thinks will work her H will refuse, but if she doesn't say anything then she's allowing him to fail? Talk about being screwed either way.
Post by definitelyO on Aug 23, 2012 14:10:28 GMT -5
I did not read all the answers so sorry if this is repetitious. this is not about the food. it's about your DH undermining you and doing so infront of your DD. My friend's DH is like that and their DD is 6yrs old and knows that if she doesn't like what mom says that dad will give it to her. she thinks that her mom is a liar and has said as much b/c DH always contradicts her in front of their child.
it's all about being on the same page with parenting and it's okay to disagree about things related to child rearing but not in front of the child.
I just read the rest of the thread. Would you consider parenting classes? It sounds like you have absolutely no schedule whatsoever and children need routine. You said you let him take over bed time but it sounds more like you stood back and waited for him to fail. What exactly did he take over? Was there any kind of a routine? Using 'whatever method' you want does not cut it with bedtime. There needs to be a routine, and whatever it is, everyone has to stick to it. At the very least get a parenting book or look online for toddler schedules. See what the range is for hours of sleep 3 year olds need in a day and work towards it.
This is really harsh. It sounds like if the OP tells him what she thinks will work her H will refuse, but if she doesn't say anything then she's allowing him to fail? Talk about being screwed either way.
I really meant that there is no schedule - that there was nothing to take over. She said she let him take it over like there was something in place that was working. There wasn't anything working to begin with. "Here you do it and see how you like it" is not establishing the partnership they need. I think establishing a schedule and some structure would give everyone something to follow. My husband puts my son to bed. If I do it I follow the same routine and so does every other parent I know. It's how a child knows it's actually bedtime. I can't imagine how it would even be possible to work on a marriage with an exhausted toddler and everyone at the end of their rope. Without a plan they are BOTH screwed either way.
Post by laptopvixen on Aug 23, 2012 14:21:21 GMT -5
I'm confused, putting a child to sleep is not laying with them in either your bed or their bed watching television until they fall asleep - how is this not more downtime for him?
And if she's watching television right before bed, that is NOT going to give her a good night's sleep. It's too stimulating. She needs reading or quiet playing in bed.
I just read the rest of the thread. Would you consider parenting classes? It sounds like you have absolutely no schedule whatsoever and children need routine. You said you let him take over bed time but it sounds more like you stood back and waited for him to fail. What exactly did he take over? Was there any kind of a routine? Using 'whatever method' you want does not cut it with bedtime. There needs to be a routine, and whatever it is, everyone has to stick to it. At the very least get a parenting book or look online for toddler schedules. See what the range is for hours of sleep 3 year olds need in a day and work towards it.
I had a set of schedule before starting to let H do some of it. It was a schedule I was not happy with though since DD's bedtime was still too late for me. But with my daily routine and other things I need to get done, I couldn't improve it or make the bed time any earlier.
How mich wife-husband time are you having? He may feel like your assistant instead of your partner in parenting and he may feel small as a man as a lover/husband. No blame, but with that as a barrier, he may not be open to listening as you list all the problems. I think you need to approach it like pp said "how do you want your life to be?"
Not much. I think I'm actually the one who feels I'm the assistant or the slave. I feel like I'm doing everything. He would volunteer to do something but I feel like most of the time it never gets done. Then at the end, it always ends up my fault.
This is really harsh. It sounds like if the OP tells him what she thinks will work her H will refuse, but if she doesn't say anything then she's allowing him to fail? Talk about being screwed either way.
I really meant that there is no schedule - that there was nothing to take over. She said she let him take it over like there was something in place that was working. There wasn't anything working to begin with. "Here you do it and see how you like it" is not establishing the partnership they need. I think establishing a schedule and some structure would give everyone something to follow. My husband puts my son to bed. If I do it I follow the same routine and so does every other parent I know. It's how a child knows it's actually bedtime. I can't imagine how it would even be possible to work on a marriage with an exhausted toddler and everyone at the end of their rope. Without a plan they are BOTH screwed either way.
There was a schedule but the actual bedtime was still late. I did try to get DD ready for bed early and hand her to H but that didn't help because I think it's the way she "puts" her to sleep; H watching TV or reading in bed and just let DD do whatever she wants right beside him and just let her fall asleep on her own. When I was doing it, there was reading, sing songs, dimmed down lights, to tv and not much talking after all the reading/etc.
I disagree with a lot of pps, I think your H sounds pretty damn lazy, which is making you have to be more controlling. I'm sorry:(
Yeah, I agree. It might be you are a Type A but how are you supposed to relax when he can't get his butt in gear and timely put your kid to bed because he's watching TV or get your kid to sleep in her bed because it's just too hard for him to stick her back in it?
Don't get me wrong, I don't think you are innocent in this either but I have yet to see you post anything that shows he's making sacrifices for the better of your daughter.
Susie Derkins... For some reason I missed your following comment:
"Does he want better for his daughter than his weight/fitness/dietary habits? Does he understand that his don't make him a bad person or dad, but that he can do better by her?"
Answer, yes. But it confuses me too when he has no problem giving cookies, ice cream, chocolates etc everyday.
There was a schedule but the actual bedtime was still late. I did try to get DD ready for bed early and hand her to H but that didn't help because I think it's the way she "puts" her to sleep; H watching TV or reading in bed and just let DD do whatever she wants right beside him and just let her fall asleep on her own. When I was doing it, there was reading, sing songs, dimmed down lights, to tv and not much talking after all the reading/etc.
I'm guessing this isn't a new development after having a baby? Did he always let things go, let them slide and then you did the important stuff that HAD to get done? If so, it's unlikely to change. I'm not saying he's right, but you seem like you need to find a way to work with what you have. Make a list of each task that has to be done around the house particularly pertaining to your daughter. Assign him the ones that can't mess up the schedule. Hopefully over time it will just seem natural to him to do the things he has to do. Expect it of him, and don't cover his ass. Have him get her ready for bed and insist that he start at a certain time. Then you put her to bed. If her sleep schedule is messed up it's going to take time to get her on some kind of a schedule. Very few kids want to go to sleep so she is certainly going to resist. But I would really work on the sleep before anything else. When you have a child that goes to sleep at least the day ends. It frees up time to get stuff done, unwind and possibly relax with your husband.
You sound extremely fed up with your husband. Can you see a counselor on your own? Or find some way to get it all out? With all of that brewing inside I think the air needs to be cleared before you can see where you want to go.
I'm not saying you shouldn't be fed up, or that you should be the one that has to steer the ship. But this is what you're dealing with right now and you have to find a way to make things better for yourself before you collapse. And you mentioned earlier something about splitting up because you can't work together. You are always going to have to work together because you have a child together. I'd work on doing it under the same roof before I dealt with the aftermath of her going to Dad's house every weekend, eating cheese and watching tv all night. But I'm a bit of a control freak myself!
Post by downtoearth on Aug 23, 2012 15:29:03 GMT -5
I see a major problem for you and your H in communication and respecting each other. Call your therapist and ask about seeing them tomorrow during your PNO time as a quick help instead of waiting.
First know that even with counseling, this won't change overnight and parenting together will be really hard until then. Second, you might not just need counseling, but also a parenting class. Kids do need routines/boundaries/healthy food choices and both of you need to be on the same page. It costs us over $100, but one round of Love & Logic classes really helped DH and I figure out how we wanted to parent together. Plus they often have very reliable, trustworthy sitters right at the classes, so your DH can ease out of his stranger-danger with sitters.
I know it was said before, but you are not a team and even if you feel like you're the only one parenting, you are still missing the mark there a little too since happy parents make the best parents and neither you or your H seem happy.
I hope you talk honestly about what you want and how you both can improve together. You sound like you're at your wits ends and it sounds like your DH is also.
Plus a couple things about junk food - I stopped buying junk food even if I love it then the kids don't see me or DH eating it and it's probably better for us all. If we want ice cream, we have to ride our bikes to the ice cream shop or if I want cookies, I have to go through the work of making them instead of just opening the cupboard...cuts down on costs and frequency.
You both sound like you overreacted about food and that angry dinner was probably just a symptom of your poor communication and different or lack of parenting styles.
Post by whitepicketfence on Aug 23, 2012 15:31:43 GMT -5
I'm a little to late to respond to this so I apologize if I repeat anything that's already been said.
OP, I don't blame you for being frustrated. Toddler eating habits and potty training are hard enough when both parents are working as team. I can only imagine how much more difficult they would be if I felt my spouse was constantly working against me. In your situation, I'd be just as upset at your H.
Kids need routine and a toddler has no business going to bed at midnight, regardless of what time she needs to wake up in the morning. If I were you, I'd say it's time for a "come to Jesus" talk with your husband about this. Your current routine simply isn't working. It's time for you two to sit down and hammer out what your evenings are going to look like and who is going to take on what responsibility. This should include your daughter's dinner, bath, and bedtime. If he is unwilling to do this with you, well, then I don't blame you for wanting to separate. It's time he acts like a grownup and starts putting your daughter's needs first.
The same goes for co-sleeping. I know your H doesn't have a problem with your daughter sleeping in your bed but this arrangement clearly isn't working for you and, therefore, something needs to change. I'd come up with a plan together on how to handle any crying/whining or middle of the night issues before they happen and start consistently putting her back into her toddler bed. Perhaps your marriage counselor can help facilitate these conversations (and, yes, you need to meet with this person more than once a month - but you already knew that).
Lastly, many parents struggle with getting their toddlers to eat fruit and veggies - I know I do. This would not be my hill to die on, however, I do agree that him constantly offering junk food isn't helping. In our home, we practically have to beg DD1 to eat her veggies at dinner but DH and I agree that if she doesn't eat them, she doesn't get anything for dessert until she does. We also agree that, even if she doesn't want them, we only offer her healthy snacks throughout the day. If she wants junk, she has to earn it by at least trying what's offered first. If she puts up a fight and refuses to eat, we know she'll eventually give in when she's hungry enough. Some days are better than others; we just do the best we can and know that this is just par for the course at this age.
You two definitely have some major communication issues going on. Hopefully, your marriage counselor can help. Ultimately though, you both have to find someway to compromise on all these issues. If you guys can't do that, then separation may not be a bad idea.