Vent, don't know what to think about my marriage

[ae001]

Sorry, this is very long.

I posted way back about H and me having issues. We did start seeing a counselor. Our communication got better and we seem to be trying to work on things better. We see the counselor about 1x a month. We have a session next week.

Then yesterday... I was so frustrated trying to get DD (almost 3yo) try the food I prepared her. I just wanted her to try. If she doesn't like it, I won't force her to eat it. I've tried and tried. Then H gets home. He starts preparing himself dinner. DD sees him with cheese (her favorite). Of course, she'll ask for some. Then H tried to bribe her to try the food I made and she can have some cheese. Of course, he eventually just gave the cheese without having her try what I prepared.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset about this? I'm tired of this typical dinner routine. I just feel like DD would not even try any food I prepare because she will get the food she like with daddy. She eats almost zero fruits and vegetables and I'm worried/guilty/etc.

I feel like H is not helping to get DD eat more healthy foods. I'm tired/exhausted/frustrated that my efforts are wasted. I'm thinking what's the point of even trying. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'll just take DD to the pedi and discuss vitamins which I've been trying so hard to avoid. But DD is not eating much fruits/vegetables.

Other areas I feel H is not helping (or being counter productive on) are potty training and sleep training. Nope, he won't take her to the potty. It's all on me. Sleeping? I'm the only one who seems to want DD to learn how to sleep in her own bed. We've been co-sleeping. Not a big deal??? Well, co-sleeping with mommy OR daddy. Our beds are not big enough to accommodate the 3 of us. H is big. And nope, he doesn't want to buy a king bed.

So back to last night... I was frustrated and told H that if DD didn't want to try the food I prepared she gets nothing (no cheese). That's after H already let DD eat all the cheese. Of course, he justifies his actions. I was frustrated while putting away the dishes into the sink. He didn't like me throwing the fork into the sink from about 5ft away. He was wiping DD's face while holding her in his arms. All of a sudden he threw the paper towel at me. I was shocked and that made me really really angry!!! I tried to confront him and asked him WTF was that. Of course, he was saying it's because of me for being angry and throwing the fork.

I didn't know what to do and what to think. Now he's throwing stuff at me? I'm not really sure what to make out of this. Is it my fault? Tell me. Is there anything I can do or change? WWYD? I have not said a word since last night and left her take care of DD all night until now. Not sure if he dropped her off at daycare or not since I'm the one who does this every single day.

I don't really know what to steps to take now. I'm open to suggestions. I'm open to flames too. I just don't know right now who's right or wrong, or if that even matters.

[chia]

I think you're overreacting a little bit on the food issues.
Sure, it's important to eat healthy... but, a piece of cheese isn't like a candy bar. But, this isn't really about the cheese.

You should probably sit down with him when DD's not around, and express your concerns with him undermining you. Ask him to respect your decisions on the food, the sleep, and the potty training - and, ask him how he thinks he can help get DD on the right track in those areas. Tell him you're frustrated and angry, but ask him to help come to a solution with you... instead of dictating one.

[ae001]

Aug 23, 2012 8:14:02 GMT -5 chia said:

I think you're overreacting a little bit on the food issues.
Sure, it's important to eat healthy... but, a piece of cheese isn't like a candy bar. But, this isn't really about the cheese.

You should probably sit down with him when DD's not around, and express your concerns with him undermining you. Ask him to respect your decisions on the food, the sleep, and the potty training - and, ask him how he thinks he can help get DD on the right track in those areas. Tell him you're frustrated and angry, but ask him to help come to a solution with you... instead of dictating one.

Thanks. I'll try your suggestion. Just fyi, if it's not cheese, it's cookies or ice cream. Last night was cheese. He would show concern about DD growing up healthy and not obese but he doesn't seem to be able to control himself giving/showing her cookies, ice cream, etc. He would say just once but it's almost every night.

[ijack]

It sounds like you need to have a talk about how you're going to handle the food issues - you're definitely not on the same page and I'm not sure either of you is really in the wrong.
Is there something else going on and it's manifesting itself with the food?
I have a FTT kid who didn't eat at all. I have been through every food battle and some I've won. I know every trick and could tell you them all, but regardless you have to be a team. But deep down I don't feel like this is about mealtime. I think something else is going on and I suggest you talk to him about it.

[honeybee]

I don't have kids so you can take my opinion with a grain of salt but I think you're overreacting on the food issues. Asking him to respect your opinion on the food issues is one thing but its your H's daughter too. Right now you seem very much "my way or the highway." Have you guys ever discussed what you consider appropriate for your 3 year old to eat/not eat or how much BOTH of you feel comfortable pushing her?

Same goes for the co-sleeping.

[mrssandro]

I am sorry you are having a rough patch in your marriage. I think it's great your going to see a counselor.

I have a almost 3 year strong willed child. Dinner time can be a beating sometimes. It's just part of the whole growing pains of little ones. I refuse to cater to her when it comes to dinner. She eats what WE eat but sometimes I do allow for some modifications like she doesn't have to eat the entire portion and she gets stars for her reward chart when she does eat her veggies. However, for me it's a battle that I feel like I will never win if I try to force her to eat her veggies. I don't want her to get in her head that veggies is a punishment that her mean mommy forces her to eat. We try to be an example and eat a ton of veggies in front of her to reinforce that it's healthy and a yummy.
So for this instance, why was your husband even preparing a separate meal? Why wasn't he eating the same thing?

As for the co-sleeping. I know this is a parenting style that some people prefer but I prefer to have my downtime in the evening.

I hope you guys can communicate and get on the same page.

[Deleted]

What is the dinner situation in your house? You prepare food, and then your DH comes home and prepares his own food? Have you guys thought about preparing one dinner that you and your husband both like, and making food for the kid from that? Does your husband not eat any fruit or vegetables either?

Getting "shocked and really angry!!!!" because your husband threw a PAPER towel at you is pretty over the top.

NONE of these things are worthy of the silent treatment. You have communication issues, but instead of communicating you are getting pissed off and not talking. That's counter-productive to what you are trying to do in counseling. Perhaps you need to see a counselor more often than once per month.

You sound really tense and easily pissed off, and your husband sounds really laid back.

Have you guys actually sat down and had a calm, rational, non-pissed off conversation about your dinner and sleeping routines?

[hannamaren]

Agree with honeybee, you need to sit down and say "how do you think we should approach eating/potty training/sleeping?" And brainstorm together. If you both own the solution, hopefully he would work harder at it.
I know my H (and me too) gets annoyed when I just say "this is the way we are doing it"

[SJ]

I don't really think tossing a paper towel at you is the same as "throwing things at you".

Also what do you mean you aren't sure if he dropped her off at daycare? Where else would he/she be? Did you leave the house? This seems odd to me as with zero communication, he is probably assuming that you took her to daycare since you do it "every single day."

I'm not a mom, and I understand that these issues (food, sleep, potty) can be very stressful and you are running on low sleep, etc. However, I do think you are overreacting and you and DH need to sit down and talk about a plan for these things. Perhaps with the counselor. Explain to DH why you get so frustrated when he is "countering" your efforts.

Good luck!

[mrssandro]

I think I would also be peeved if my spouse threw a fork from 5 ft away. Only because it may be dangerous. I can see myself tossing a paper towel or anything in arms reach. But I am thrower and I tend do that when I am frustrated. I am not defending your DH but just saying.

[jm1982]

It sounds like maybe you're really overwhelmed/exhausted and it's manifesting in smaller things. Can you have someone (your mom, maybe) help out with LO for a bit, so that you have some time to yourself and to reconnect/talk with DH?

[mrshandy]

Aug 23, 2012 8:24:08 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

Agree with honeybee, you need to sit down and say "how do you think we should approach eating/potty training/sleeping?" And brainstorm together. If you both own the solution, hopefully he would work harder at it.
I know my H (and me too) gets annoyed when I just say "this is the way we are doing it"

I agree. DH and I frequently find ourselves in arguments when placed in a difficult situation with DS. We're irritated with his behavior and we each have our own way of solving this problem, then we get further irritated when the other person is not immediately on board with our solution.

It's hard to think rationally when you are in the heat of the moment. I would try to have some conversations when your DD is in bed or away about how you want to handle certain situations and come up with a joint strategy.

I also was wondering what is going on with your dinner situation. Why is your H fixing a separate meal?

There are definitely some larger issues at play. Is your H overweight? Is this really about his eating habits and how they are being imitated by your daughter?

[ae001]

Aug 23, 2012 8:29:03 GMT -5 jm1982 said:

It sounds like maybe you're really overwhelmed/exhausted and it's manifesting in smaller things. Can you have someone (your mom, maybe) help out with LO for a bit, so that you have some time to yourself and to reconnect/talk with DH?

We don't have any family close by.

[littlemermaid]

Why aren't you eating as a family? That would solve all the food issues because there would only be one meal on the table. I think you guys need to up the frequency of your counseling sessions. Also, when was the last time just you and your husband had a weekend away just the two of you? How's your sex life?

[ae001]

Aug 23, 2012 8:30:10 GMT -5 mrshandy said:

I also was wondering what is going on with your dinner situation. Why is your H fixing a separate meal?

There are definitely some larger issues at play. Is your H overweight? Is this really about his eating habits and how they are being imitated by your daughter?

Rare do we eat the same foods. H doesn't like most of what I make.

Yes, he's 5'10" and 315lbs. He rarely eats vegetables. That said, I'm guilty of not eating vegetables every day. The only time I eat vegetables everyday is when my parents are visiting since they mostly cook vegetables. H does most of the shopping since I just don't have the time. When my parents are here, they take on some of my responsibilities then I have time to go grocery shopping.

[Susie]

Aug 23, 2012 8:20:26 GMT -5 honeybee said:

I don't have kids so you can take my opinion with a grain of salt but I think you're overreacting on the food issues. Asking him to respect your opinion on the food issues is one thing but its your H's daughter too. Right now you seem very much "my way or the highway." Have you guys ever discussed what you consider appropriate for your 3 year old to eat/not eat or how much BOTH of you feel comfortable pushing her?

Same goes for the co-sleeping.

I agree. I'm sure it's tempting to justify the "my way or the highway" approach if you're doing the majority of the legwork, but that doesn't excuse it. He's still her dad. You guys still need to be a team. You probably need to let him have more input, and he probably needs to step up a little more.

Can you go for counseling sessions more frequently? These kinds of barriers seem surmountable, but you'll need to work on it, and you may need more help than just 1x/mo.

Unrelated, I think your response to him throwing a paper towel is pretty overblown. I'm sure you were frustrated, but still.

ETA: Aha...

Aug 23, 2012 8:38:55 GMT -5 ae001 said:

Aug 23, 2012 8:30:10 GMT -5 mrshandy said:

I also was wondering what is going on with your dinner situation. Why is your H fixing a separate meal?

There are definitely some larger issues at play. Is your H overweight? Is this really about his eating habits and how they are being imitated by your daughter?

Rare do we eat the same foods. H doesn't like most of what I make.

Yes, he's 5'10" and 315lbs. He rarely eats vegetables. That said, I'm guilty of not eating vegetables every day. The only time I eat vegetables everyday is when my parents are visiting since they mostly cook vegetables. H does most of the shopping since I just don't have the time. When my parents are here, they take on some of my responsibilities then I have time to go grocery shopping.

Now it's all making more sense.

Does he want better for his daughter than his weight/fitness/dietary habits? Does he understand that his don't make him a bad person or dad, but that he can do better by her?

[Deleted]

You need to talk to your H and come up with some kind of agreement regarding the "rules" for your daughter. It's going to mean compromise. For example, maybe agree that if your daughter doesn't eat, that H can give her cheese or yogurt or whatever, but not junk food. Coming to an agreement about it will prevent blow ups like this.

It would frustrate me to get no help with the potty training or sleep training as well. Again, the two of you need to come to some sort of agreement about his involvement and get on the same page. If, after having a rational conversation about it, he says that he will not help at all with either thing, well then he's a douche.

Coming up with agreements like these is something a counselor can really help with. It sounds like you should try to go to counseling more than once a month.

As an aside, have you tried giving your DD green smoothies? I make these for LO and put all kinds of different veggies in them that you really can't even taste. I also dehydrate and powder different vegetables - mostly tomatoes, and put the powder in all kinds of food. For example, I'll put powdered tomatoes in macaroni and cheese. Obviously it's best for a kid to learn to eat their veggies voluntarily, but I think it's fine to hide veggies to get the nutrients in them while contininuing to encourage them to knowingly eat vegetables.

[Deleted]

I'm wondering if your H was still holding your DD when you asked "WTF" was that when he threw a paper towel at you?
IMO, cheese is not a hill to die on, but ice cream and cookies without eating anything else is something you need to talk to your H about.
You also need to talk to your H about helping your DD and getting her out of your room. I'm guilty of this sometimes, but is part of the reason he won't help with the potty training is because you'll give him step by step instructions on how it needs to be done? Your H needs to figure some stuff out on his own.
I also recommend taking a break. Tell your H he needs to watch your DD for an afternoon and leave the house and do something you want to do.

[ae001]

Aug 23, 2012 8:33:09 GMT -5 littlemermaid said:

Why aren't you eating as a family? That would solve all the food issues because there would only be one meal on the table. I think you guys need to up the frequency of your counseling sessions. Also, when was the last time just you and your husband had a weekend away just the two of you? How's your sex life?

H doesn't like most of what I make. Have not had a weekend away since DD was born. Even if we agreed to do this, we have no family close by the leave her. Sex life? Maybe 1-4x a month; more on the low side.

[ae001]

Aug 23, 2012 8:39:09 GMT -5 Susie said:

I agree. I'm sure it's tempting to justify the "my way or the highway" approach if you're doing the majority of the legwork, but that doesn't excuse it. He's still her dad. You guys still need to be a team. You probably need to let him have more input, and he probably needs to step up a little more.

I've told H and also the counselor that I don't feel like we're working as a team, and that I feel like it's our main issue. H seems to always fall back to the "whatever you like" response when asked how to take care of things.

[mrssandro]

Do you have any friends you can leave her with? Or can one of the grandparents come to visit and you two can get away? I would go BSC if I didn't get away with my DH at least one a year. At least for a 3 day weekend.

You guys need to come up with a menu that you both can eat as a family. Dinner time will never work if you guys can't come up with a one dinner menu. I think family dinner time is very important and having different meals for different people will only confuse your DC.

[honeybee]

Aug 23, 2012 8:42:00 GMT -5 ae001 said:

Aug 23, 2012 8:33:09 GMT -5 littlemermaid said:

Why aren't you eating as a family? That would solve all the food issues because there would only be one meal on the table. I think you guys need to up the frequency of your counseling sessions. Also, when was the last time just you and your husband had a weekend away just the two of you? How's your sex life?

H doesn't like most of what I make. Have not had a weekend away since DD was born. Even if we agreed to do this, we have no family close by the leave her. Sex life? Maybe 1-4x a month; more on the low side.

The not eating as a family...and using the no one likes the same food reasoning, seems like an excuse to me. If you are all home around dinner time make it a priority to sit down and eat together. Plan out meals together, ones you both like and ones you both feel comfortable feeding your daughter. From your responses it seems like you feel both you and your H could use some changes in your own dietary habits.

Sitting down together once a day will probably also go a long way in making you feel more connected as a family.

[Deleted]

Aug 23, 2012 8:45:18 GMT -5 mrssandro said:

You guys need to come up with a menu that you both can eat as a family. Dinner time will never work if you guys can't come up with a one dinner menu. I think family dinner time is very important and having different meals for different people will only confuse your DC.

I completely agree. You yourself admitted that you don't eat much fruit and vegetables either. So...you're trying to feed your DD healthy foods while you and your husband aren't eating properly either. You can't really expect DD to want to eat the vegetables you make her when you and your husband aren't eating yours either. I think you both need to sit down and come up with a menu and a grocery list together. It kind of sounds like you need to revamp the whole family diet. You can add in vegetables to certain dishes without it being painfully aware that you are eating a lot of vegetables...casseroles, enchiladas, and things that you can modify to add in more vegetables.

[Deleted]

Eh, I guess I'll be the lone dissenter who thinks your husband was wrong by throwing something AT you. I was raised never to throw anything at anyone because it's disrespectful. Your daughter watched him do it. She doesn't know the difference between a paper towel or adult arguments. She also watched YOU throw something. I am sure your daughter could feel the tension as well. You never let your daughter throw things at people or on the ground in anger so why can you get away with it?

I agree with the others. You guys need to sit down and discuss this and figure out the way you are both going to raise your child and next time, hold your anger and your childish responses until you are away from your daughter.

[gt7301b]

Aug 23, 2012 8:42:00 GMT -5 ae001 said:

Aug 23, 2012 8:33:09 GMT -5 littlemermaid said:

Why aren't you eating as a family? That would solve all the food issues because there would only be one meal on the table. I think you guys need to up the frequency of your counseling sessions. Also, when was the last time just you and your husband had a weekend away just the two of you? How's your sex life?

H doesn't like most of what I make. Have not had a weekend away since DD was born. Even if we agreed to do this, we have no family close by the leave her. Sex life? Maybe 1-4x a month; more on the low side.

Are there things that you both like that you can eat? We don't have kids yet, but DH and I try and sit down and eat together at the table 4-5 nights a week. If we are home during the week we try to eat together. It seems to me like you guys could benefit from some family dinners.

I think it is important for parents to be on the same page with regards to things like this. Y'all will both need to give a little on this one.

If your husband is 315 pounds I would imagine that there are a lot of food issues that need to be resolved. I know I wouldn't be happy with my husband if he weighed 315 pounds and didn't eat any vegetables.

[ae001]

Aug 23, 2012 8:59:30 GMT -5 aswartzw said:

Eh, I guess I'll be the lone dissenter who thinks your husband was wrong by throwing something AT you. I was raised never to throw anything at anyone because it's disrespectful. Your daughter watched him do it. She doesn't know the difference between a paper towel or adult arguments. She also watched YOU throw something. I am sure your daughter could feel the tension as well. You never let your daughter throw things at people or on the ground in anger so why can you get away with it?

I agree with the others. You guys need to sit down and discuss this and figure out the way you are both going to raise your child and next time, hold your anger and your childish responses until you are away from your daughter.

You're right. And I feel really terrible about it. And I can't hold my tears right now. I feel like my family is so screwed up.

I texted H and asked if DD is at daycare. He said she's at home with him. I then asked if he would drop her off and we can deal with our issues. He said not today. So, not sure when he wants to deal with our issues. So I asked when. No answer.

[mrshandy]

If it makes you feel any better, I have a really hard time getting DS to eat veggies and we eat very healthy veggie-filled meals for the most part. He turns his nose up at them most of the time.

He will eat pretty much any fruit I put in front of him.

If your DD still isn't eating veggies, I would just make sure you have lots of fruit on hand to offer her.

I agree with PP, neither of you should be throwing anything, but he shouldn't be throwing stuff at you.

[shopgirl07]

The only advice I have is on the food issue. I know to you it seems reasonable that she just try one bite, but you're making it into a battle of wills and you will lose every time.

My son was an exceptionally picky eater which started around 2.5 or 3. He settled into eating maybe 5-6 things for most of his childhood. He wouldn't try a bite of anything id his life depended on it. He actually had a lot of anxiety around food and probably had some sensory issues around it. Anyway, he is now 20 and 6'3" and healthy and has greatly expanded his food repertoire in the last few years.

So just do the best you can. Encourage healthy choices, have fruits and vegetables on hand , but don't stress you or your daughter out about it. You don't want to make mealtime into something she dreads.

[Susie]

Aug 23, 2012 9:05:38 GMT -5 ae001 said:

I texted H and asked if DD is at daycare. He said she's at home with him. I then asked if he would drop her off and we can deal with our issues. He said not today. So, not sure when he wants to deal with our issues. So I asked when. No answer.

You guys are adults. Communicate like it!

If you've been resorting to the silent treatment, sure, texting him might be easier than picking up the phone to talk to him, or meeting him in person. But it's pretty immature and ineffective (hence, the "no answer" option).

You're not going to "deal with your issues" with any finality today, but you CAN open the lines of communication and start down the right path. Texting isn't it. You're both going to have to get outside your comfort zones to make this work.

[ae001]

Aug 23, 2012 9:08:26 GMT -5 carrotsmakemefat said:

I think the potty training & food issues is just a symptom of the bigger issue. Does you two not act like a team on a lot of issues? How is he doing with therapy? Is he an active participant?

Yes. He talks a lot in therapy. Sometimes too much and go out of topic. He says in therapy that he recognizes how full my plate is, but sometimes I just feel like he doesn't really know how hectic my daily routine. He gets DD ready in the morning but that's about it and I feel like he's not even that good about it. If we start getting ready at 6:30am, I'd be lucky if I get to work by 9am. He takes his time and let DD takes her time getting up, etc. He's ok just letting DD go to sleep by herself even if it's already 12 midnight. So DD gets a hard time waking in the morning.

I'm actually thinking about taking over everything again to cut down my morning routine. But I'm tired/exhausted.

Then at night, zero help. DD and I get home around 6:30pm (I work fulltime and commute is long). I take care of DD's dinner, her lunch for the next day, putting stuff away, giving her a bath, etc. By the time I'm done it's around 9pm. He comes home whenever he wishes. The nights Iet him put DD to sleep, DD end up going to bed really really late. Me getting things done at 9pm is already late. When I put DD to sleep, she's typically out by 10:30pm which I think it's really late.