Do you ever wonder how much whining, etc. is normal?

[Pilsy]

I do.    

My daughter is pretty sweet most of the time, but she goes from 0 to 60 when she's upset, and she began throwing tantrums around 12 mos.  I handle them WAY better than I used to, but when she's whining or flips out over something weird, I find myself wondering if it's normal and how long this will last.  

It's not helping that her daycare teacher keeps saying, "Good luck when she's a teenager."  It's partially in jest, but she has also said many times how much E needs to learn patience and how vocal she is when she's upset and blah blah blah.  I appreciate the honest feedback, and I am trying with the patience, but I'm not sure how much progress to expect in a 17-month-old.  

How do you ever know what's normal and on track vs. an issue?  

[VillainV]

She's the same age as my kiddo.

She "needs to learn patience"?? I'm sorry, 18-month-olds do not understand "patience." Their brains just aren't capable of understanding delayed gratification, or cause and effect. Heck, some studies show that most people are in their early 20s before their brains can truly process those concepts. That doesn't mean that kids can't exhibit some characteristics of patience before then, but I think it's absolutely ridiculous to imply that 18-month-olds should have mastered being patient and not whining.

Additionally, with most kids that age, tantrums can be tied to their inability to verbalize what they want. Imagine how frustrating it must be to not be able to communicate effectively.

And? Kids whine. Even the best behaved ones. I think a lot of whining is normal, and while be for several years.

ETA:  Also, I would be really skeptical of any child care provider who doesn't understand that it's developmentally normal for 18-month-olds to be impatient.  Does this teacher have any education in early childhood development?  If not, then I would assume the Director probably does, and I would probably have a chat about what they actually expect of kids that age.    

[Pilsy]

Oct 10, 2015 13:03:17 GMT -5 VillainV said:

She's the same age as my kiddo.

She "needs to learn patience"?? I'm sorry, 18-month-olds do not understand "patience." Their brains just aren't capable of understanding delayed gratification, or cause and effect. Heck, some studies show that most people are in their early 20s before their brains can truly process those concepts. That doesn't mean that kids can't exhibit some characteristics of patience before then, but I think it's absolutely ridiculous to imply that 18-month-olds should have mastered being patient and not whining.

Additionally, with most kids that age, tantrums can be tied to their inability to verbalize what they want. Imagine how frustrating it must be to not be able to communicate effectively.

And? Kids whine. Even the best behaved ones. I think a lot of whining is normal, and while be for several years.

Thanks.  I didn't mean to imply I think she's capable of not whining now or that I expect her to stop whining anytime soon.  I know this will go on for years.  At the same time, I do expect it will evolve somewhat.  Different things will set her off, at least.  Like you said, language plays into it, so some stuff that's a problem now won't be when she can verbalize her thoughts better.  New things will send her into a rage.    

I think the teacher means stuff like, it's healthy/helpful to explain to kids her age that she can't always be the first in line for the slide, etc.  She may not like it or "get" it yet, but there's a room full of kids from 15 - 22 mos., so they have to talk about it and work on it, little by little.  She simply can't always be first, and little by little, as she experiences that, it should cause less of a fit.  

My question is tough to articulate.  I wonder sometimes how someone with one child and no real sample set can ever know what's normal.  I'm quite sure my child is, but would I know if she weren't?  You should be able to look to your daycare with some help with that, right?  

Maybe I'm just tired of hearing those comments since, when I dig, I'm always told she's normal/fine/great/has a lot of words. 

[VillainV]

Oct 10, 2015 13:20:11 GMT -5 Pilsy said:

Oct 10, 2015 13:03:17 GMT -5 VillainV said:

She's the same age as my kiddo.

She "needs to learn patience"?? I'm sorry, 18-month-olds do not understand "patience." Their brains just aren't capable of understanding delayed gratification, or cause and effect. Heck, some studies show that most people are in their early 20s before their brains can truly process those concepts. That doesn't mean that kids can't exhibit some characteristics of patience before then, but I think it's absolutely ridiculous to imply that 18-month-olds should have mastered being patient and not whining.

Additionally, with most kids that age, tantrums can be tied to their inability to verbalize what they want. Imagine how frustrating it must be to not be able to communicate effectively.

And? Kids whine. Even the best behaved ones. I think a lot of whining is normal, and while be for several years.

Thanks.  I didn't mean to imply I think she's capable of not whining now or that I expect her to stop whining anytime soon.  I know this will go on for years.  At the same time, I do expect it will evolve somewhat.  Different things will set her off, at least.  Like you said, language plays into it, so some stuff that's a problem now won't be when she can verbalize her thoughts better.  New things will send her into a rage.    

I think the teacher means stuff like, it's healthy/helpful to explain to kids her age that she can't always be the first in line for the slide, etc.  She may not like it or "get" it yet, but there's a room full of kids from 15 - 22 mos., so they have to talk about it and work on it, little by little.  She simply can't always be first, and little by little, as she experiences that, it should cause less of a fit.  

My question is tough to articulate.  I wonder sometimes how someone with one child and no real sample set can ever know what's normal.  I'm quite sure my child is, but would I know if she weren't?  You should be able to look to your daycare with some help with that, right?  

Maybe I'm just tired of hearing those comments since, when I dig, I'm always told she's normal/fine/great/has a lot of words. 

I get what you're saying.  We try to verbalize things to C that we're pretty sure he can't understand yet (like "that's not your toy" or "we need to let the other kid have a turn").   We are hoping that by verbalizing it, he can maybe start to understand these things, or at least not be QUITE so upset that we are taking something away from him (like, he knows we are trying to explain it to him even though he doesn't understand).  

[Deleted]

Yes, but I wonder about a lot of things my kids do and whether or not it's normal

When the girls were about 12 mo they went through a few weeks period where they were banging their heads when they were frustrated. I knew this was "normal" but can also be abnormal. So I was constantly worried at what point did it becomes abnormal. Like when E woke up with bruises all over her forehead from banging on the crib. thankfully this phase only lasted a couple of weeks.

I feel like I am questioning a lot with J right now. At what point is this 3yo shit not normal 3yo shit?

[Pilsy]

Oct 10, 2015 13:23:56 GMT -5 VillainV said:

Oct 10, 2015 13:20:11 GMT -5 Pilsy said:

I get what you're saying.  We try to verbalize things to C that we're pretty sure he can't understand yet (like "that's not your toy" or "we need to let the other kid have a turn").   We are hoping that by verbalizing it, he can maybe start to understand these things, or at least not be QUITE so upset that we are taking something away from him (like, he knows we are trying to explain it to him even though he doesn't understand).  

Yes, exactly.  We do lots of that. 

Progress is slow, so it's easy to second-guess what you're doing.  KWIM?  

My mom likes to tell me I never whined or had a fit as a kid.  I tell her I'm sure she's misremembering, because...c'mon!  It really doesn't help to hear that, because it makes me feel like I've done something wrong; and the truth is, I know it's normal.  

[chickadee77]

L is around the same age, and daycare just told me that she "tends to be a little dramatic." Meh, I think I'd rather have a kid that wears her heart on her sleeve than bottles it all up.

She's just started tantrum-ing recently. She usually is pretty sweet, but is starting to assert herself and have definite ideas and opinions. I figure it's a bit of a learning process for me/us, too, as far as which battles to pick.

As for a comparison to normal, I try to keep reminding myself that there's a wide range of "normal" blah, blah blah. I tend to be a by-the-book kind of person, and I'm learning that there just isn't a cut-and-dried "This is right, this is wrong, if you do xyz, your results will be awesome, if you do abc, your kid will be a mess."

All this to say, I feel you. I think most daycare teachers are probably working under the assumption that you know your kid is okay overall, but here are some areas of interest/improvement/to keep an eye on.

[Deleted]

Oct 10, 2015 13:30:35 GMT -5 Pilsy said:

Oct 10, 2015 13:23:56 GMT -5 VillainV said:

Yes, exactly.  We do lots of that. 

Progress is slow, so it's easy to second-guess what you're doing.  KWIM?  

My mom likes to tell me I never whined or had a fit as a kid.  I tell her I'm sure she's misremembering, because...c'mon!  It really doesn't help to hear that, because it makes me feel like I've done something wrong; and the truth is, I know it's normal.  

I have a gf who swears that none of her 3 kids have ever thrown a fit. They are 7.5, 5.5, and 2.5. LOL for days! Granted, she does tend to give in to her children's every whim and doesnt really set any limits with her kids so maybe they havent had a need to throw a fit lol.

[Pilsy]

Ok, you guys get me!

[dulcemariamar]

I was kinda in the same boat when my DD was that age but more in terms of activity level and her not staying still for even a second. People were shocked by it and I got all different types of comments and a lot of thank god that is not my kid remarks. It did require a lot of patience and planning to have successful outings. In the last few months she is a lot more mellow. It is hard when your kid sticks out.

[curbsideprophet]

We are working on patience with the 4 year old. I certainly do not expect the 16 month old to understand patience.

[cricketwife]

Pilsy, I hope this doesn't sound obnoxious to share, but I feel like DS is on the lower end of the tantrum/whining spectrum, just from what I read here and what I hear other parents say. I could just have my head in my ass, lol. I subscribed to the aha parenting newsletter after someone mentioned it on here once and I don't know if it's just luck or if some of that is "working."  The articles are a quick read every few days or whatever.  Could be worth a try? 

Eta - my child definitely tantrums and whines too! I hope that was clear!

[thebreakfastclub]

My son has been with many of the same kids in daycare for 2+ years.

I can see that some of them are the leaders, some whine more, some are more sad.

[heygrey]

I think my 19 month old whines and screeches more than normal, but it's because he doesn't talk. I suspect it will decrease as he gets more words, but will probably pick up again because of something else.

Unless the excessive whining is present with something else I wouldn't be concerned about it from a medical perspective.

[thebreakfastclub]

My son talks in full sentences, and turning 2.5 really escalated the whining to new levels. He is much more emotional.

Now he can finish his whine with gems like "just leave me alone" and "you have played a bad trick on me."

[Deleted]

One of my cousins kids has a big personality and has always been very dramatic and outspoken. She's been described as a pistol, full of life, etc. Even our mutual DCP says she will be tough to parent as a teenager but she is such a joy for so many people. All that to say, there is nothing "wrong" with her or even abnormal. Just a lot of her, kwim?

It's kind of early but it is possible that your kid is showing signs of having a lot of feelings. And that's goof! My cousins kid is everyone's favorite even though she is not necessarily easy.

[pinotgrig]

I get a lot of validation from here, lol. While I'm sorry everyone is dealing with the tantrums and whining too, it makes me feel like G is normal. I also feel like everyone here is pretty good at handling these behaviors most of the time (even it does involve wine, lol) and that makes me stress about it less. I know that it will (one day) pass.

My daycare is always very positive about G's behavior so when he starts toddler antics at home I always feel like I broke him or that he just doesn't like us. Lol

[rugbywife]

DD whines. I always wonder what 'a lot' means. I feel like my nephews NEVER whined. BUT, I would usually only see them a few hours at a time. I see DD ALL.FREAKING.DAY. It also drives DH insane.

But I am with PPs...she is 18 months old. And, frankly, sometimes I suck, like I don't realize she is really fucking hungry and all of a sudden she is like those characters in the Snickers ads. That's on me, not on her.

[dcrunnergirl52]

Oct 10, 2015 13:30:35 GMT -5 Pilsy said:

Oct 10, 2015 13:23:56 GMT -5 VillainV said:

Yes, exactly.  We do lots of that. 

Progress is slow, so it's easy to second-guess what you're doing.  KWIM?  

My mom likes to tell me I never whined or had a fit as a kid.  I tell her I'm sure she's misremembering, because...c'mon!  It really doesn't help to hear that, because it makes me feel like I've done something wrong; and the truth is, I know it's normal.  

DD and DS1 never had tantrums as young toddler. The first time they really did it was around 3.5 or so years old, and even when it started then, they were mild and rare. They had other bad behavior (not listening, talking back, running away when we called for them, etc.) but never a screaming, whining tantrum. I thought other people were exaggerating when they described kids getting upset over broken bananas or the wrong color cups.


And, then the universe laughed at me and gave me DS2. OMG, his tantrums are out of control. He basically whines or cries all day long--it's like having a colic-y toddler. Now, I get it. I get that obviously a broken banana is the end of the world. And, drinking out of the red cup instead of the dinosaur cup is the worst.thing.ever. And, I get that there is a huge range of normal. Thanks, universe.

[kershnic]

I've been around a lot of kids and I still wonder with my own kids. It's hard. Almost everything abnormal can also be normal with the right intensity/frequency.

Tonight my six year old nephew had a total whining crying break down because his candy was broken. You know why his candy was broken? He broke it himself in anger after his mom told him he couldn't have it because he didn't eat a good dinner. He's a good kid, it just happens sometimes.