DD is driving me crazy

[anna7602]

There, I said it. She has always been "spirited," which means that at age 7, she is very melodramatic. On the upside, she is super imaginative and spends long periods of time doing things like drawing or writing or crafting. But lately,  she also wants to be right in my face if she's not in the middle of one of these projects. And if I can't drop whatever I am doing, be it something "productive" like making dinner or doing something for DS or something "lazy" like hanging out on the sofa reading, she starts accusing me of acting like I don't love her, etc., no matter how calmly or nicely I tell her I am in the middle of x or no matter my promises to do y after DS goes to bed. 

I keep trying to stick to my guns here, but a) it's exhausting and b) over the course of the week, it just gets worse. All I wanted to do during DS's nap on Sunday was go to the grocery store because we were planning to make brunch for some friends on Monday. DD freaked the eff out that I was going to leave the house and go grocery shopping instead of doing something fun with her. It didn't help that DH had work to do and couldn't entertain her and that there were no friends around because it was the long weekend. I ended up staying home and we DID do something fun together, but then we went out for a big family dinner later and I got zero down time and it was too late for me to grocery shop by the time we returned and got all the kids to bed and DH didn't particularly feel like going to the store, either. I ended up feeling stressed out and not relaxed and kind of resentful of everyone needing me all the freaking time. 

Then last night, she woke up in the MOTN when DS happened to be sick and refused to let DH take care of her, to the point that she flipped her shit and I basically appeased her just so her going on and on wouldn't wake the baby during his brief stint of Tylenol-induced sleep. 

She just came home from school and had 30 minutes to get her stuff together and do some homework before music class (our neighbor takes her). She protested about the hw because it "took away from time she could spend with me." Gaaaaa! (I did convince her to do some HW while we sat together, but this wasn't exactly what she wanted.) 

People, I don't work a billion hours outside the home or anything. DD sees me every single day from 4pm-9pm and all day on the weekends. I've had some more work to do lately and have had some evening sitters, but maybe twice/week, max. She still gets a lot of one-on-one time with me. The baby is pretty independent, actually, and most activities we do as a family are centered around DD's choices. 

In sum, I am touched-out by my 7-yo. And I feel like a jerk about it. 

[mrssandro]

Try not to feel like a jerk about it. My 6 year pulls the same crap sometimes. Sometimes I feel if I give her too much attention she wants more, more and more. It's frustrating because when she is good and we are having fun I like hanging out with her but when she is all grumpy and begging me for more I get irritated. Sometimes moms simply need downtime as well. It's been even hard with DD#2 since one of use have to take her on as well.

[crazygame]

My daughter is four, but a lot of this resonated with me. I often wonder where the line is between her really needing more of my attention and her being a tad bit manipulative. She'd spend all day, every day with me if I let her and it gets tiring. I don't get any down time on the weekends, because I spend all the time I can with her. If I have to run an errand, I usually take her, because she says "I could use some special time with you, mommy." My working mom guilt sets in and I feel like I can't say no.

[Deleted]

Wait you didn't go grocery shopping because your 7 year old threw a temper tantrum? Let her throw a fit. Giving in just means she knows how to get her way next time.

Grown ups have to do grown up things sometime, too bad so sad kid.

[Alyssa]

My daughter who turns 6 today is like that. She wants my instant attention and boy has the attitiude kicked in lately. It can be exhausting trying to always make her happy.

[winecheery]

Oct 13, 2015 16:06:57 GMT -5 anna7602 said:

Then last night, she woke up in the MOTN when DS happened to be sick and refused to let DH take care of her, to the point that she flipped her shit and I basically appeased her just so her going on and on wouldn't wake the baby during his brief stint of Tylenol-induced sleep. 

Not a MOOK, but just coming in to say this happened last night for us too; DD has been having bad dreams here and there lately, and also thinking there's bugs in her bed ()…so she'll want a cuddle or a hug or something, and typically I hear her, so I get her.  Takes 3 minutes to deal with.

Well, DH went in last night, and cue torturous screams of unparalleled agony because "NO PAPA! MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!" and I straight up put in ear plugs, and let H deal with it.  He eventually got her to calm the eff down, but I was wide awake and pissed for like an hour and half because what's wrong with daddy once in a while??? And why do I feel even a tiny bit of guilt for wanting a chance to sleep when DD has two loving, able-bodied parents? 

ANYWAYS, not the same thing really, but it's hard to be "the one" all the time, at all hours, and I get touched out too, and I'm not even dealing with two kids yet.  Don't feel bad for needing space, and don't negotiate with terrorists!  (If you can help it)  ((Hugs))  It sounds like a tough time.

[DarcyLongfellow]

Here are my disjointed thoughts --

(1) I'm a HUGE proponent of the power of one on one time. I know of its so, so hard, but I've found with DD1 (age 6) that her attitude improves drastically when I can spend even a small amount of one on one time with her. I sit on the floor with her and for a small time (even just 10 minutes) I do whatever she wants to do. Without her sister around.

(2) I know of it's hard not to let your guilt take over your judgment, but it really and truly is okay for you to tell her that you are busy and can't do what she wants right that minute. If DD1 had thrown a tantrum about me going to the grocery store, I would have told her that me going to the grocery was non-negotiable, but she could come with me if she wanted to. It's also okay to tell her that you're reading or watching TV or whatever and that she needs to let you have some time, then you'll play with her in 30 minutes or whatever.

(3) I'd take a page from Sue Sue's book. If she accuses you of being a mean mom, respond brightly that "well, that's too bad because I'm the only mom you have. I guess you just have a mean mom!" If she says you don't love her, respond brightly that she's being ridiculous because of course you love her.

(4) She is justified in feeling like life -- and her access to her mom -- has changed since her brother was born. And she may need help processing that change. I'd try to find some quiet time when you're feeling loving towards her (so...probably not a school night if you're anything like me!) and talk to her about how she's feeling. She's old enough that she may be able to help you articulate a plan for your time together that would work for both of you -- like, the first 15 minutes after she gets home from school if just for the two of you.

Good luck!!

[oliviapope]

Our teachers actually warned us about this at second grade parents night. They said developmentally they are really seeking to expand socially, and often at this age they cling to the parents again because they know they will have social acceptance there.

For my DS, it worked to schedule an activity that we do together. If he gets clingy I often ask "you seem anxious, want to talk?" It is usually about something social at school. We talk through it-and he moves on. Girls may be different though.

I hope you find some balance soon. Can you schedule some time for yourself every day? I find that makes me much less irritable with their demands.

Also commiseration-every age has weird quirks!

[sweetbrier]

When my daughter used to say that she didn't love me, I'd respond that that was a really hurtful thing to say and asked why she felt that way. I'd bring to her attention everything I do to show her I love her (at one point filled up a page with just every little thing). She let it go because she did realize that I do show her I love her a lot.

It's important that she understands that she is important, but that she also understands that she is not more important than everything else. Kids have to wait sometimes. In the grand scheme they come first, but in day to day sometimes they don't get what they want. I think doing what you want to need is important. Communicate when it will be your time to spend with her. "After I get back from the store, we can do this". And then follow through. When she throws a fit about it, explain why it is that way. "I need to grocery shop because we need food for tomorrow. When I get back we will do this. I love you, see you soon." "I need some time to relax right now, at this time we can do something." When she says mean things then tell her how it makes you feel. Tell her you're excited to spend time with her when you get back.