Famous quotes, the way a woman would have to say them

[fortnightlily]

Lol.  


www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2015/10/13/jennifer-lawrence-has-a-point-famous-quotes-the-way-a-woman-would-have-to-say-them-during-a-meeting/



Famous quotes, the way a woman would have to say them during a meeting.


By Alexandra Petri October 13 at 6:37 PM
Jennifer Lawrence: I'm finished being 'adorable' on Hollywood pay gap
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Actress Jennifer Lawrence says she's had it with trying to be "adorable" when it comes to sexism in Hollywood and equal pay for women. (Reuters)
“A few weeks ago at work,” Jennifer Lawrence wrote in an essay for Lenny (yup, I guess I’m subscribed to Lenny now! Well played, Lena Dunham). “I spoke my mind and gave my opinion in a clear and no-[BS] way; no aggression, just blunt. The man I was working with (actually, he was working for me) said, ‘Whoa! We’re all on the same team here!’ As if I was yelling at him. I was so shocked because nothing that I said was personal, offensive, or, to be honest, wrong. All I hear and see all day are men speaking their opinions, and I give mine in the same exact manner, and you would have thought I had said something offensive.”

Nailed it.

“Woman in a Meeting” is a language of its own.

It should not be, but it is. You will think that you have stated the case simply and effectively, and everyone else will wonder why you were so Terrifyingly Angry. Instead, you have to translate. You start with your thought, then you figure out how to say it as though you were offering a groveling apology for an unspecified error. (In fact, as Sloane Crosley pointed out in an essay earlier this year, the time you are most likely to say “I’m sorry” is the time when you feel that you, personally, have just been grievously wronged. Not vice versa.)

To illustrate this difficulty, I have taken the liberty of translating some famous sentences into the phrases a woman would have to use to say them during a meeting not to be perceived as angry, threatening or (gasp!) bitchy.

“Give me liberty, or give me death.”
Woman in a Meeting: “Dave, if I could, I could just — I just really feel like if we had liberty it would be terrific, and the alternative would just be awful, you know? That’s just how it strikes me. I don’t know.”

“I have a dream today!”
Woman in a Meeting: “I’m sorry, I just had this idea — it’s probably crazy, but — look, just as long as we’re throwing things out here — I had sort of an idea or vision about maybe the future?”

“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”
Woman in a Meeting: “I’m sorry, Mikhail, if I could? Didn’t mean to cut you off there. Can we agree that this wall maybe isn’t quite doing what it should be doing? Just looking at everything everyone’s been saying, it seems like we could consider removing it. Possibly. I don’t know, what does the room feel?”

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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
Woman in a Meeting: “I have to say — I’m sorry — I have to say this. I don’t think we should be as scared of non-fear things as maybe we are? If that makes sense? Sorry, I feel like I’m rambling.”

“Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.”
Woman in a Meeting: “I’m not an expert, Dave, but I feel like maybe you could accomplish more by maybe shifting your focus from asking things from the government and instead looking at things that we can all do ourselves? Just a thought. Just a thought. Take it for what it’s worth.”

“Let my people go.”
Woman in a Meeting: “Pharaoh, listen, I totally hear where you’re coming from on this. I totally do. And I don’t want to butt in if you’ve come to a decision here, but, just, I have to say, would you consider that an argument for maybe releasing these people could conceivably have merit? Or is that already off the table?”

“I came. I saw. I conquered.”
Woman in a Meeting: “I don’t want to toot my own horn here at all but I definitely have been to those places and was just honored to be a part of it as our team did such a wonderful job of conquering them.”

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.”
Woman in a Meeting: “I’m sorry, it really feels to me like we’re all equal, you know? I just feel really strongly on this.”

“I have not yet begun to fight.”
Woman in a Meeting: “Dave, I’m not going to fight you on this.”

“I will be heard.”
Woman in a Meeting: “Sorry to interrupt. No, go on, Dave. Finish what you had to say.”

[Deleted]

Wow. At first read I thought these were ridiculous. Then I read this again, and I realized I could see myself saying almost every one of these statements. I am hyper aware of things like "I'm sorry" and "just," and I try to avoid using those statements, but sometimes I do feel the need to cushion my thoughts with dis-qualifiers like these. I have been criticized before for being too direct, so I try to walk a fine line.

The sentiment in this article is spot-on. Men do not use these phrases. Men say what they want, directly, and no one blinks an eye.

Seeing all of these sentences in a line makes women sound like babbling idiots, however, sadly I could see each and every one of these individually being a statement that I or one of my female peers could make.

[wawa]

I suspect I'm just cranky as shit today and feeling contrary - but as I get further along in my career I'm just not sure I buy all this.

My husband has been told, REPEATEDLY that he is too blunt and needs to soften his delivery. I've been tasked with dealing with touchy clients and my boss has been really candid about the fact that it's because I'm really good at delivering bad news in a way that doesn't ruffle feathers. Other PM's have commended me on being an asset at tense meetings because I'm good at knowing when to drop a random joke or throwaway comment that breaks the tension. Yes, the constant apologizing and taking these things to an extreme is a function of the damn patriarchy but the ability to say things without sounding like an asshole is NOT A LIABILITY.

ETA: MH and I are both engineers btw for those who don't keep a spreadsheet. 

[downtoearth]

Oct 14, 2015 15:16:32 GMT -5 wawa said:

I suspect I'm just cranky as shit today and feeling contrary - but as I get further along in my career I'm just not sure I buy all this.

My husband has been told, REPEATEDLY that he is too blunt and needs to soften his delivery. I've been tasked with dealing with touchy clients and my boss has been really candid about the fact that it's because I'm really good at delivering bad news in a way that doesn't ruffle feathers. Other PM's have commended me on being an asset at tense meetings because I'm good at knowing when to drop a random joke or throwaway comment that breaks the tension. Yes, the constant apologizing and taking these things to an extreme is a function of the damn patriarchy but the ability to say things without sounding like an asshole is NOT A LIABILITY.

ETA: MH and I are both engineers btw for those who don't keep a spreadsheet. 

Eh I have days like you describe and then days where I find myself intentionally tempering how I say things. For example, when talking to one VP I don't censor at all, but when talking to the president and a few other VPs I speak differently and wouldn't be as blunt about some of my remarks. (All men in those positions and a male dominated engineering/science industry.)

I think these quotes are funny b/c we can all see saying something like this to "keep the peace" in some meeting at one time or another.

ETA: And I sort of hope that your DH is being asked to speak less bluntly by women who are above him.

[2curlydogs]

Oct 14, 2015 15:16:32 GMT -5 wawa said:

I suspect I'm just cranky as shit today and feeling contrary - but as I get further along in my career I'm just not sure I buy all this.

My husband has been told, REPEATEDLY that he is too blunt and needs to soften his delivery. I've been tasked with dealing with touchy clients and my boss has been really candid about the fact that it's because I'm really good at delivering bad news in a way that doesn't ruffle feathers. Other PM's have commended me on being an asset at tense meetings because I'm good at knowing when to drop a random joke or throwaway comment that breaks the tension. Yes, the constant apologizing and taking these things to an extreme is a function of the damn patriarchy but the ability to say things without sounding like an asshole is NOT A LIABILITY.

ETA: MH and I are both engineers btw for those who don't keep a spreadsheet. 

I think it completely depends.

My H used to get dinged on being too blunt and not a team player. Now, dude really doesn't know sometimes when to shut the hell up. So it was a fair, valid criticism. He has worked on it and it doesn't happen as much anymore.

However, I've also run into the above. And it sits on my annual review from a previous employer. The one time in a meeting where I showed annoyance with a co-worker, it got brought up under my "Professionalism" section. Nothing about the fact that I was the only one with a functional working relationship with all of the deans (which my manager did not have) or completely repaired all of the damage done by former coworker. Nope. My "non-verbals" showed I was taking things "too personally." 

[smock]

I recently proposed an idea at a department meeting. Several old white guys in my department explained all the reasons I was being unrealistic and naive, which was capped off with one of them coming over at the end of the meeting to pat me on the shoulder and say "good girl."

So, yeah. This is spot-on in my experience.

[LoveTrains]

Oct 14, 2015 15:05:18 GMT -5 @bellakitty said:

Wow. At first read I thought these were ridiculous. Then I read this again, and I realized I could see myself saying almost every one of these statements. I am hyper aware of things like "I'm sorry" and "just," and I try to avoid using those statements, but sometimes I do feel the need to cushion my thoughts with dis-qualifiers like these. I have been criticized before for being too direct, so I try to walk a fine line.

The sentiment in this article is spot-on. Men do not use these phrases. Men say what they want, directly, and no one blinks an eye.

Seeing all of these sentences in a line makes women sound like babbling idiots, however, sadly I could see each and every one of these individually being a statement that I or one of my female peers could make.

The way I read the article was not to criticize women for using these qualifiers. It was saying that women have to use these types of qualifiers or else she gets perceived as an ogre or an evil bitch/witch. 

[sfy]

I don't talk like this. I can be somewhat gentle in my delivery, but what I don't do is question what I'm saying. I'm most often quite confident that I know everything. About everything.

That said, I work from home, and so does my husband, and sometimes I hear him on the phone, and I think, "Damn! That dude is hardcore." Now he is higher on his totem pole than I am on mine, but I just don't talk to people the way he does. I don't have the desire to, either.

[LoveTrains]

Oct 14, 2015 15:47:37 GMT -5 pt716 said:

I have realized recently that I do these things a lot. Especially using qualifying words like I think, I believe, might be instead of is, etc.

I have a lot of very strong options but DH is probably the only one that hears that. Everyone else always gets a version that I think won't offend them

I do the exact same thing. And the sad thing is that its been bred into me now after 13 years in the work force - I didn't start out that way, but I had to adapt because I was criticized for being too bossy and blunt. 

[hocus2]

I get negative feedback for being honest all the time. Part of it is a disconnect with management about what is happening day to day, but part of it is a delivery expectation that I think is different for men vs. women.

[aurora]

“I came. I saw. I conquered.”
Woman in a Meeting: “I don’t want to toot my own horn here at all but I definitely have been to those places and was just honored to be a part of it as our team did such a wonderful job of conquering them.”

::crying::

[loira]

Oct 14, 2015 15:35:01 GMT -5 smock said:

I recently proposed an idea at a department meeting. Several old white guys in my department explained all the reasons I was being unrealistic and naive, which was capped off with one of them coming over at the end of the meeting to pat me on the shoulder and say "good girl."

So, yeah. This is spot-on in my experience.

Ick. Awful, but not surprising. I have a good friend who's a professor and she's told me so many horror stories of the rampant sexism that exists in academia.

[wambam]

Oct 14, 2015 17:07:00 GMT -5 loira said:

Oct 14, 2015 15:35:01 GMT -5 smock said:

I recently proposed an idea at a department meeting. Several old white guys in my department explained all the reasons I was being unrealistic and naive, which was capped off with one of them coming over at the end of the meeting to pat me on the shoulder and say "good girl."

So, yeah. This is spot-on in my experience.

Ick. Awful, but not surprising. I have a good friend who's a professor and she's told me so many horror stories of the rampant sexism that exists in academia.

I answer the phone a lot at my 6 person company because I am at my desk most often. I cannot tell you the number of times I've answered and the person has asked for someone technical. When I say that I can help them, the person says "no honey, I mean a man."

Multiple occasions this exact scenario has occurred. My chemical engineering degree means nothing because vagina.

[aurora]

Oct 14, 2015 19:21:00 GMT -5 wambam said:

Oct 14, 2015 17:07:00 GMT -5 loira said:

Ick. Awful, but not surprising. I have a good friend who's a professor and she's told me so many horror stories of the rampant sexism that exists in academia.

I answer the phone a lot at my 6 person company because I am at my desk most often. I cannot tell you the number of times I've answered and the person has asked for someone technical. When I say that I can help them, the person says "no honey, I mean a man."

Multiple occasions this exact scenario has occurred. My chemical engineering degree means nothing because vagina.

Grrr. I'd be tempted to answer something along the lines of " if you're looking for a penis you called the wrong kind of company."

[tictac]

Just this morning a friend and I were discussing feminism and I flat out said "I'm just tired of being accused of 'having my period' just because I expressed an opinion about something with a shred of confidence."

So ... this speaks me.

[aprilsails]

I tend to be blunt and to get to the point. I have been accosted multiple times by senior engineers that it doesn't translate well. At the same time I know that they would have used the exact same phrasing but would not have thought it was shocking to the clients. I'm also in the engineering field.

What I dislike the most is when I get pulled into meetings where we know everyone at the table is pissed and my boss brings me in as a third party or mediator. As soon as I'm there everyone starts apologizing about using foul language and calms down. I mean- it's good in a way but it's also false and my boss is using the fact that I am the rare woman in my field to manipulate the situation.

I'll never ever forget the day that I got in shit for telling another engineer that his calculations were incorrect in a major meeting. I mean, the meeting was called and my boss and I were flown into another city because we couldn't make sense of the numbers, and then when we dug down through it the guy had started with an estimate that the local power utility would fail (ie. Lose power) once every 114 years. I mean if that isn't the definition of incorrect I don't know what is.

[heliocentric]

I know this is a real problem that many women experience, but thankfully it hasn't been an issue for me. I work in a field where men & women are both "softer" when dealing with customers and delicate situations yet can be blunt when dealing with each other. I mean, we have a review process that involves having a group of experts try to point out problems / poke holes in people's concepts and you can't do that without being blunt. We even recently had a workshop about not the danger of being "too polite" and not giving honest feedback because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. This workshop was for everyone--not just women.

It saddens and frustrates me that it's not that way everywhere. Some of your stories..damn, I'm angry for you.

[Deleted]

I've seen both men and women in my office get a reputation for being terrible communicators. There are several men who are known to deliver their opinions poorly and overly aggressively just like there are some women known for the same. It's not gender based criticism, it's a lack of social skills in the cases I've seen.

I've faced sexism on more than one occasion in my career, but never been made to feel like I couldn't have or express my opinions. Maybe I'm one of the lucky ones. Fwiw, I'm a manager at a large IT company.

[wawa]

Oct 15, 2015 5:35:56 GMT -5 mr+ms said:

One could spin this in the opposite direction and illustrate how men lack empathy and other emotional intelligence. They know how to dominate and coerce but how good are they at cultivating relationships, building trust and understanding customers/clients.

In my line of work I don't see too much use for skills that are better suited to a battlefield. Yes, there are times where being direct and to the point is important, but it's doable without sounding like an asshole. So I think women should be applauded for their communication skills. The more I think about it, the more irritated I am that this is supposedly something that's "wrong" with women.

This is what I was getting at.

I'd also like to ditto Helio in that I'm grateful to have been spared dealing with this directly and get really pissed at the stories you all share whenever we discuss this topic. To borrow a phrase- People ain't shit.

[jeaniebueller]

I have seen male attorneys refer to female caseworkers as "femi-nazis" just for doing...their job! So yes, I see this all the time.

[KateAggie]

I'm a lot more tactful than my husband in the way I speak to people. Is that a woman thing? I don't think so. I find that taking a softer approach is 1)more likely to get me what I want, and 2)more in line with my personality. And I won't apologize for that, or try to change it. When I was in the workforce, it did not hamper my success.

I think it's also about knowing your audience. I do not approach every single person in the same way. I had quite a few bosses during my career, male and female, and my approach was different for each of them. Not based on the gender, but by trial and error, figuring out how to get the best result with each. One boss wanted action first, explanation later. One wanted everything run by them first. Two were best if you could convince them that your ideas were their ideas (one male, one female, FWIW). I took the same kind of approach with coworkers.

What some are seeing as apologetic language, I see as nuance.