NCEPR: how to tell coworker she's dressed inappropriately

[bimbi284]

My boss talked to me yesterday about a coworker who dresses very inappropriately for our setting. He was trying to figure out how to tell her, and I offered to do it because I know he will come across sexist and misogynistic (because he is). I'm new and am sort of her superior, but not really (the "hierarchy" is complicated and unclear).

We do not have a written dress code (or any other written policies for that matter, that's another issue) for me to use to support this.

Basically she wears very tight dresses that are way too short with very high platform heels.

Any advice on how to tell her? We get along pretty well so far, so I would like to try and maintain that.

[omgzombies]

I would tell your boss that you need a written policy, and that either he, HR, or you can make it. it solves the problem of singling her out, and prevents future problems all at the same time. If it is still an issue after the policy is issued than you'll have to deal with it, but at least you'll have documentation backing you up. It takes all of thirty minutes to an hour to type one up.

[AJL]

I wouldn't want to address this at all unless I was her direct supervisor and I had a policy to fall back on.

[Deleted]

Have HR do it.

[pixy0stix]

I wouldn't do it. Do you have an HR dept?

[bimbi284]

We don't have an HR department. We are a small, private, mental health service agency.

[wawa]

Oct 22, 2015 10:29:32 GMT -5 omgzombies said:

I would tell your boss that you need a written policy, and that either he, HR, or you can make it. it solves the problem of singling her out, and prevents future problems all at the same time. If it is still an issue after the policy is issued than you'll have to deal with it, but at least you'll have documentation backing you up. It takes all of thirty minutes to an hour to type one up.

eta: my actual text now that my computer is done spazzing.

Ditto.

(see wasn't that worth waiting for?)

[sugarglider]

Oct 22, 2015 10:33:13 GMT -5 bimbi284 said:

We don't have an HR department. We are a small, private, mental health service agency.

Tell your boss to consult with employment counsel.

[illgetthere]

That would be really hard to address, especially without a policy in place. Other than the length of dress, the appropriateness is up for interpretation as I've never seen a policy with heel height restrictions or limiting the tightness of a dress.

[ECB]

Yeah- I would not touch this w/ a 10 foot pole w/o a written policy.

[heyjude]

I would ....

[img src="gif.co/okQn.gif" style="max-width:100%;"]

[downtoearth]

Why can't he just tell her or roll out a dress code and when/if she asks HIM about it, he can answer that "everyone was getting a little less professional and lax with their dress code, so I wanted to clarify that we want to appear professional to our clients and contacts."

[sfy]

Oct 22, 2015 10:21:53 GMT -5 bimbi284 said:

I offered to do it

I'll just keep reading this part until I understand.

It's way outside of my work language skill set.

Sometimes, they ask me to do things and I'm all,  "I don't work here!"  Then someone usually reminds me that I do.

[heyjude]

I can't gif!

But basically!

Be like Homer and back away into the bushes!

[ECB]

How old is she?  How old are you?  How long has she been working there? 

[Deleted]

I would not volunteer for this job. Let him do it if he is concerned.

[StrawberryBlondie]

Make a written policy.

When my company changed dress codes, they sent out a company-wide email with pictures of appropriate vs inappropriate dress.

[jeaniebueller]

I think some type of policy should be made. I just looked at ours and its pretty vague and basically says that employees should dress within standard of their department and skirts or shorts should be of a "sensible" length and employees should use common sense.

[meshaliuknits]

Oct 22, 2015 10:41:13 GMT -5 heyjude said:

I can't gif!

But basically!

Be like Homer and back away into the bushes!

[heyjude]

Oct 22, 2015 10:59:14 GMT -5 meshaliuknits said:

Oct 22, 2015 10:41:13 GMT -5 heyjude said:

I can't gif!

But basically!

Be like Homer and back away into the bushes!

Thank you love.

[sangria]

I wouldn't do this even if the chick was showing up in a string bikini.

Newp.

[pescalita]

Carl has a similar problem. He has a coworker, a younger woman, who wears things like brightly colored bras you can see through her shirt (and then adjusts herself during meetings like at a table with 3 or 4 male colleagues). She's otherwise a very professional and extremely smart woman with a bright career in front of her. He has so much embarrassment for her. There's basically nothing he can do but damn you wish she had someone who could clue her in.

[bimbi284]

Thanks all. The boss man is pretty difficult to work with, and I thought by offering to do it, I would be saving this coworker from him, basically.

I agree that there should be a policy in place. I meet with my supervisor (not my boss) today and will address this with him as well.

I am the Postdoc and program manager, so still in training, but still have a supervisory role. She is a clinician who completed master's level practicum training there and is now a full time employee managing another office and seeing clients. The lack of written training and employment policies is a huge problem here that boss man doesn't seem to want to address. He just expects everyone to know the things and use common sense.

In other words, this issue is a symptom of a much larger administrative problem, and I'm trying to piece together solutions due to lack of any better option at this point.

I know I should not be the one responsible to do this, and I am kicking myself for even offering, but my license sort of depends on this job so I'm trying to make the best of it.

[iammalcolmx]

Just as when people have bad body odor her manager needs to address this.

[ttt]

Can you address it indirectly? "Hey do you know if we have a dress code here? I heard something about them wanting people to dress more professionally. Have you heard about that?"

Otherwise I would not walk into this mine field at all.

[vanillacourage]

Things for your boss to do:

Consult with legal counsel. Write a vetted dress code. Send it to entire company. Give coworker a couple days to change her attire; if she does not then meet privately with her (at the end of the day) to make sure she has read and understands the policy and specifically call out short skirts, low cut tops, whatever it is that she tends to wear that is not appropriate. State that proper attire is a condition of employment. Document the meeting. 

[sfy]

I would not address this indirectly at all. I think I've been clear that I wouldn't address it all lol, but if I did, I would be very straightforward, no shopping games, no coyness. If it ever got back to her that her outfits had been a topic of discussion and the role you played in it, if I were her, I wouldn't have any respect for being toyed with like that. I try to always be direct and candid with people and I think even with regard to coworkers who may not like me, they do respect me for that. Besides that, I don't believe it would be effective, anyway. A person who is oblivious to a pretty basic rule of most workplaces probably isn't great at picking up on subtle suggestions.

[Velvetshady]

Oct 22, 2015 11:12:09 GMT -5 pescalita said:

Carl has a similar problem. He has a coworker, a younger woman, who wears things like brightly colored bras you can see through her shirt (and then adjusts herself during meetings like at a table with 3 or 4 male colleagues). She's otherwise a very professional and extremely smart woman with a bright career in front of her. He has so much embarrassment for her. There's basically nothing he can do but damn you wish she had someone who could clue her in.

Exactly why us he embarrassed for her? Does he think she doesn't know her bra is noticeable? Does he feel embarrassed for any of the 3-4 male colleagues when they adjust themselves during a meeting?

[pescalita]

Oct 22, 2015 12:44:32 GMT -5 Velvetshady said:

Oct 22, 2015 11:12:09 GMT -5 pescalita said:

Carl has a similar problem. He has a coworker, a younger woman, who wears things like brightly colored bras you can see through her shirt (and then adjusts herself during meetings like at a table with 3 or 4 male colleagues). She's otherwise a very professional and extremely smart woman with a bright career in front of her. He has so much embarrassment for her. There's basically nothing he can do but damn you wish she had someone who could clue her in.

Exactly why us he embarrassed for her? Does he think she doesn't know her bra is noticeable? Does he feel embarrassed for any of the 3-4 male colleagues when they adjust themselves during a meeting?

Because it's not appropriate in a professional setting for coworkers to see your undergarments. And these particular males are not adjusting themselves at the table.

[thebulldog]

Oct 22, 2015 10:46:27 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

Make a written policy.

When my company changed dress codes, they sent out a company-wide email with pictures of appropriate vs inappropriate dress.

Wow. What did "inappropriate" look like?

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