Mom's Comment

[nicolewi]

My mom clearly thought we should stop at 3 kids. When I was actually pregnant with #4, but before she KNEW I was pregnant, she gave me this huge strong lecture on not having any more kids. It was stressful to "break the news" later. We totally plan to be done now. So today, she was asking if we'd chosen an insurance plan yet for 2016, I said that I hadn't looked at it yet but remembered that it seemed pretty straightforward as long as we didn't have a major known expense like childbirth. She got really quiet and then said, "My heart kind of stops when you even say childbirth. You know you just can't have any more!" It's NOT the first time she's made these comments since #4, either. I was like, WTF?!? Lay off! We're not planning on it, but what if we had an oops or something? You'd think she wouldn't have to act like it would be the end of the world. AND, we don't plan to have another, but what if that IS what we wanted?

This is really bugging me. Justified for me to be bothered, or is that the kind of opinion that other people's moms throw out there all the time as well?

And also, on DS's pumpkin farm field trip he wanted to get a pumpkin that the stem broke off of b/c "otherwise no one will want that pumpkin!" I thought it was totally sweet. Mom's response was, "Geez, your kids have to stop being so sensitive."

i might DD this later. I always feel weird if I post family stuff, but it's bugging me tonight.

[lexus]

It would bother me but I post stuff like this too! maybe I'm not the best judge.

[quesyrah]

My mom says stuff like this a lot. I do think my mom is intentionally being mean so I think you're justified. Even if your mom doesn't realize how hurtful it is, that doesn't make it okay for her to say.

I'm sorry, that really sucks

[nicolewi]

She is just generally worried about general risks to me and any future baby (nothing specific other than me being 40), and about the expense of kids, and that I "will be a slave to those kids and have no life of my own." I feel it's totally inappropriate to keep re-stating this opinion in such a forceful way. Again, what if we DID really want more kids? Doesn't seem right for her to be so SURE that it would be at terrible thing. It bugs me b/c she's trying to dictate what I "can't" do. It's all based in concern for me, but it's too much.

She finds my 4 kids to be totally overwhelming and usually when she visits she talks about being "worried about me" and "this is too much!" and "I need more help." It IS a lot, but lots of people have kids, right? It's exhausting (4 kids 6 and under and DH works long hours), but I am not depressed or complaining, and we have a big house and a minivan and I'm 40 for goodness sake. Her judge-y comments make me feel like there's something wrong with ME for thinking things are going fine.

It's like she's not respecting or supporting my (totally conventional!) life choices and it's stressful to here HER stress about my life thrown at me all the time.

[Deleted]

That would really bother me. I'm sorry, that's hurtful. To me, it sounds like she has a pattern of being negative and critical-I have family members like that too and it hurts so I know what it's like. Sorry! Just keep doing your thing and be happy with your choices. I like to throw positivity and confidence back at people like that.

[chatterbox]

How many children did she have? Maybe she's projecting? Either way she needs to keep her thoughts to herself. Have you told her that it really bothers you? Maybe she doesn't realize?

[lala]

So how do you react? It sounds like a boundaries thing - she was asking about your health insurance for next year? That strikes me as odd.

I think you have to start shutting her down quickly and firmly. Refuse to engage.

It is upsetting and very rude of her.

[miniroller]

Sorry non-mom butting in:
My sister has 4 under 6, too. The judging comments I get from this is pretty astounding. I'm not sure if people assume I'll agree in the judging/ that's what I'm thinking, too? But man, I'm sick of trying to defend her choices, when the choices AREN'T mine!! And they're also doing Fine! Big house, big van, great family friends with kids of similar ages...
But Lord help me if she gets pregnant again (which they've not completely ruled out) because I will NOT be able to handle the comments.

I'm still close to/ involved with people from our hometown. Whereas, she moved 2 hours away, & I'm certain that's part of the reason I hear a lot more of it than she has to. Giant sympathy hugs, OP!

[NandaB]

I'm sorry she is so rude and negative. I agree with Lala that your need to just start shutting her down. Have you had a conversation and told her that it hurts your feelings when she continues to say negative things about your family? I would try that once then commence with the "shutting that shit down"

You could go with a cheerful "nope were just fine!" And walk away. Or call her out. "that's negative and uncalled for"

[minerswife17]

When she makes her next rude comment just reply "so you're not excited for #5?!?!" And rub your belly. Just to tick her off.
That's so rude and insensitive of her.

[aggiecyd]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with such hurtful comments. I agree with lala and nanda.
Sit her down, on your turf, and have a calm discussion about how her comments make you feel, reaffirm that it's your life & you guys are fine, then tell her you will no longer tolerate her negative comments in any way that they are presented (that includes "just curious" questions and comments about how OTHER people with more than 3 kids are crazy...). Tell her what will happen if she doesn't respect those boundaries and then follow through.
Would you put up with this from a friend or colleague? Just because someone is family doesn't mean we have to put up with their shit.

[amynumbers]

I guess I will be the lone dissenter, because my mom isn't a bitch. If she raised these concerns with me, I would probably consider what I am doing or saying to give her that impression. Again, this is only because my mom and I have a great relationship -- and because of that I know when she does raise a concern about something, it's coming from a place of love.

If you and your mom generally have a great relationship, I think about the "why". She could very well just be concerned for you.

Or maybe she is just being rude. It's just hard for me to go there immediately.

[lala]

Oct 24, 2015 11:53:32 GMT -5 amynumbers said:

I guess I will be the lone dissenter, because my mom isn't a bitch. If she raised these concerns with me, I would probably consider what I am doing or saying to give her that impression. Again, this is only because my mom and I have a great relationship -- and because of that I know when she does raise a concern about something, it's coming from a place of love.

If you and your mom generally have a great relationship, I think about the "why". She could very well just be concerned for you.

Or maybe she is just being rude. It's just hard for me to go there immediately.

I agree if it was only once or twice, based on my own relationship w/ my mom it would probably be legit concern. 

But it sounds like it's been going on for awhile, multiple comments. 

[Deleted]

Yeah...my mom (who is my best friend besides DH), has and shares her opinions on how many kids my brother and I should each have. (They have 4 and should stop, we have two from IVF and she's always hoping we'll have more). It's all from a place of love...but really none of her business.

It's none of your moms business either and it sounds like she's being really rude about it. Sorry.

Also, your ds being concerned about the lonely pumpkin makes my heart melt. Sounds to me like you're doing a great job, momma!

[rosesandpetals]

I remember your post when you found out you were pregnant on TB. You only tried the one time and it was like the last time before you turned 40 or something? Even then -- she sounded pushy and like she had no boundaries.

I get a lot of comments the other way. DH and I are done but DD is at the age where everyone is expecting a baby#2 announcement and we are getting more and more comments about it. I've started just responding to it with, "I don't care". It is rude but I don't feel obligated to respond nicely to people who are commenting on things that are none of their concern.

I'd tell her nicely but firmly to stop bringing it up and start getting more curt if she doesn't back off.

[dizzycooks]

That's mean. She needs to back off.

Afm I was really concerned about what my family would say about #3, but I never made our ability to conceive #1 a secret and my response has always been, and will continue to be, that I am thrilled with every child we are blessed to have. That does not mean I'm going mama duggar here, but I'm not worried about another. None of her damn business.

[nicolewi]

Thank you all for the free therapy! Roses, I can't believe you remember my post on TB!!

Yes, I have actually told her that this really bothers me (about this and similar issues) and she has to stop, but to no avail.

It's hard. I know my mom loves me and truly has my best interest at heart, and she's not at all trying to be mean or nasty. She has been a very good mom in many, many ways and I am lucky for that. She was very supportive of me as a child and made sure we had potential to be able to be/do anything we wanted; made sure we tried out a lot of things and did well in school, etc. In the last few years, though, it's gone off the rails a bit. My brothers and I all think she has some anxiety/depression issues plus my parents aren't in a great marriage, so she seems to have a hard time not focusing on/dwelling on/worrying about what she thinks are problems. I.e. having another child. She also has/had a huge issue with my house, which also has been very hard.

Sometimes it just makes me wonder if I am missing something and there is something wrong with me or my choices, so it's good to get a sanity check from other people.

[honeydew1894]

Oct 24, 2015 22:08:06 GMT -5 nicolewi said:

Sometimes it just makes me wonder if I am missing something and there is something wrong with me or my choices, so it's good to get a sanity check from other people.

I am late to the party, but I agree with what the others have said. I have a similar boundary issue with my mom (but about my parenting style, not # of kids), and it is SO hard. Just know that you are doing great!

[chelsmat]

I just wanted to empathize with you. I am expecting my fourth and I cannot get away from the comments from my mom. SHe actually told me that DH and I were rude not to discuss our decision to TTC with her ahead of time since she babysits occasionally (one kid one hour type of help certainly not all the kids for any amount of time). Every time I see her she asks if I am getting my tubes tied during my c section. I just smile and refuse to answer because its none of her business and I haven't decided (I have feminine problems I don't want to get worse so DH might do the deed TOTALLY not her business). It is so infuriating. Its like my mom thinks she is a co parent with DH and I and no matter how much we don't tell her and try to work on boundaries it doesn't stop. I try to remember she means well, and most of the time she does but sometimes she is flat out mean

[nicolewi]

chelsmat, sorry you also have these issues! My mom has asked personal questions re: BC also. ugh.

[chelsmat]

You are not alone. Just try to remember she is your mom and she probably means well with her comments even though they are out of line. I think its hard for some moms to back off once their kids get older. Like they still think that they have the same say in our lives as they did when we were 5. Also sometimes I entertain myself by telling her that we want 5 or 6 kids just to watch her head spin. Good luck with your mom.

[ananas19]

That would bother me too. My mom is kind of the same, when we told her about baby #3 she only said, "That's interesting."

Mothers!

[vlagrl]

sorry you are going thru that. Lots of people have 4 or more kids so it's not unheard of obviously. maybe she is overwhelmed with them but you aren't. Moms have their moments for sure. We will TTC early next spring for #2 and I"m planning for a VBAC and my mom is so against it. I basically will have to keep it secret from her the entire next pregnancy and I have no idea what I will do when it comes to actually delivering the next baby. "oh by the way baby is here" lol

[Kcthepouchh8r]

I have a good relationship with my parents and they have always been giving unsolicited opinions about family planning. they had these visions of what they wanted my life to be but I didn't want that. They were hoping I would have kids in my mid 30s, work full time and let them babysit as both my parents will be retired by then. Instead I pretty much did the opposite-had kids in mid 20s and I stay at home. They have been vocal about me not having more kids but it's because of what they want. They enjoy babysitting and feel they would be overwhelmed with 3 kids. We are not dependent on them for childcare in any way or ever vent to them about being overwhelmed. Sometimes people are just thinking about themselves.