Isolation: any SAHMs who are the only one

[sonrisa]

of their pre-kid friends to stay at home? Any working moms who find themselves in the opposite position (all friends with kids stopped working)? 

I realized the other day that part of why I feel so isolated might be that I'm the only person I know who made this decision - no one from high school, college, law school, DH's college friends, our other friends ... no one. I've met some since I had kids, but many have long time friends in the area who also SAH. That aside, most of my friends aren't even in the area. I wonder if that is part of why I come back here - I've "known" some of you longer than the people I actually see these days.

Anyone else feel isolated for similar reasons?

[whitemerlot]

I didn't know anyone else who was at home when I first had kids. I've met a lot of people through MOMS Club and other stay at home mom meetups. It's made a big difference in my level of happiness.

My kids are in kindergarten and part time preschool now, so it's busier in general with school and gymnastics, swimming, etc.

[snipsnsnails]

It's so isolating, sonrisa. It gets so much better once they are in school, though. You start to forge a tiny niche in with people who you are in it with for the long haul. And that helps. But parenting tiny kids is a lesson in solitariness. You have to be super intentional about the friendships you do make and do invest in. And at a time where time and energy are rare commodities, well, I feel you. xoxo

I still say you can always come live by me. Or in my basement. Whatevs. Same difference.

[sailorgray]

Oct 26, 2015 19:30:54 GMT -5 whitemerlot said:

I didn't know anyone else who was at home when I first had kids. I've met a lot of people through MOMS Club and other stay at home mom meetups. It's made a big difference in my level of happiness.

My kids are in kindergarten and part time preschool now, so it's busier in general with school and gymnastics, swimming, etc.

sonrisa i would definitely look into joining MOMS Club. My friends either didn't have kids or lived far away.  I had no one and a H who traveled all of the time. MOMS Club totally changed my life (dramatic, I know). 

www.momsclub.org/

[sonrisa]

DD's play group was the one place where I found a few like minded people. But they are all leaving the area because of cost of living. I'll look at the momsclub website.

[marylennox]

Yes. I feel very isolated. It is hard.

I tried joining a moms group but because of the time it's held it's tricky for me to get there every week. Maybe I'll try to find another one. Just wanted to chime in and say I feel you.

[miss1180]

I definitely feel this way a lot!! All my close friends with kids went back to wok full time.
I have one DS.... He's almost 5 now... So we have a few "friends" from his part time preschool or whatever that we get together with. But that gets hard bc they all have either older or younger kids, too... So we have to work around their schedules, too. ( DS is our only child)
We also have no family close by- so no grandparents that take him for an hour here or there. AND there are no other kids in the family- so he has no cousins to play with either.
It's incredibly exhausting to be both caretaker and playmate ALL the time.
And yes, it's a choice I made... But it's definitely isolating to feel like the only one who made that choice, ya know??

[redheadk]

Yes. NONE of my pre-kid friends SAH.

What helped was joining activities for DD. We started music class at 2 months old or something absurd like that. It was a low stress way to meet people and something fun to do with DD once a week. Now I have a nice group of mom friends that are actual friends, not just people I'm friendly with because we have kids the same age.

[CurlyQ284]

A year ago we moved to a new city and I WFH. My DHs 15% travel job is....a lot more than 15%. Most days the only people I talk to IRL are DSs daycare teachers.

The moms group in town is for SAHMs and meets for playdate during working hours.

I'm mostly ok (thanks to ML lol), but I crack sometimes. DH doesn't get it.

[DotAndBuzz]

Oct 26, 2015 19:34:58 GMT -5 snipsnsnails said:

It's so isolating, sonrisa. It gets so much better once they are in school, though. You start to forge a tiny niche in with people who you are in it with for the long haul. And that helps. But parenting tiny kids is a lesson in solitariness. You have to be super intentional about the friendships you do make and do invest in. And at a time where time and energy are rare commodities, well, I feel you. xoxo

I still say you can always come live by me. Or in my basement. Whatevs. Same difference.

So much this.

Now that I'm involved in N's school, I feel like I have friends again.  None of my friends from growing up are anywhere close to me (geographically, and/or stage of life), and while I'm still very close to them, parenting is a big part of my life that they just don't "get" yet.  They're not bad friends (one is my absolute best friend of 35 years, but she lives 3 hours away) but it is a huge part of my life for which they just have no frame of reference, and parenting stuff felt very isolating.

When your oldest goes to school, put yourself out there.  Force it.  It will feel hard at first, because you'll meet other moms who have been there, done that, for the past 5+ years, and you're the newbie trying to figure it all out.  When you get involved in something at school though, with other moms who are home a lot, it all comes together, and you start connecting.

But yes, it is hard, and isolating. I connected with a woman this year who moved here last year from out of state, and described feeling *exactly* what you are.  She didn't know anyone, her kids are in 3rd and 5th this year as well as a 3 year old, (mine are in 2nd, and preschool), but we're working on the same project and completely click.  Hang in there.

[nursewife]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I have a hard time putting myself out there, and find it really lonely. My good friends that are off aren't all that close to me, so I don't get to see them as often as I'd like. I haven't figured out a way to really deal with it, but am working at getting my kids out to as much as possible which gets me out of the house.

[Deleted]

Oh jeeze, yeah. A lot of my friends have either moved away or just don't have kids yet. I could hang out with my sil (we're the same age) but...no. lol. She is...just no.

I'm finally opening up and trying new groups to meet some people. I tried going to some play group thing when sofia was a baby and I HATED it. I tried a different one after I had theo and I still hated it. I found the moms to be kind of shitty, to be honest. Maybe it was just the other town I was living in, I don't know. We didn't mesh. I decided to brave a breastfeeding group after having ilya and I liked it a lot better. Then a friend of mine invited me to a babywearing meet up and I finally found my people, lol. I had major anxiety about going to the first breastfeeding group, but it got easier the more I went, and I have a lot more confidence to put myself out there.

[Deleted]

Oct 26, 2015 19:34:58 GMT -5 snipsnsnails said:

It's so isolating, sonrisa. It gets so much better once they are in school, though. You start to forge a tiny niche in with people who you are in it with for the long haul. And that helps. But parenting tiny kids is a lesson in solitariness. You have to be super intentional about the friendships you do make and do invest in. And at a time where time and energy are rare commodities, well, I feel you. xoxo

I still say you can always come live by me. Or in my basement. Whatevs. Same difference.

Ohhhh this is so true for me. And I really relate, OP. I'm usually on the Drinking while Parenting (SAHM), but I've been lurking here for company, too. I moved across the country when my son was 1, had a daughter and it's been SO isolating I can hardly believe it. It's really hard to make friends, and the woman I've met aren't staying at home, or I have nothing in common with. It's really tough.

My DS just started preschool two mornings a week, and just that one tiny little connection with the outside world meant so much to me. When my DD is a little older I might try to volunteer or work part-time, because being at home has been really hard. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. 

I really feel like living in nuclear families during this life phase sucks. I'd much rather be living with (or at least close to) a group of other women with kids, not alone in a house with everyone else alone in their houses. Sometimes you just need someone else there for company/sanity or to keep your kids from burning the house down while you pee!

[noodleoo]

I feel pretty isolated at times. I am an older mom, so all my friends either had kids way before me or aren't having kids. I still get together with my friends, but it is hard to relate to their kids who are a lot older vs my newborn. I'm trying hard to make new friends. So far I have 1 good one who works part time,so that is great since I'm home for now. I need to find stuff to do and people to talk to while my H is at work so I don't go stir crazy.

I don't know how old your kid is but I've been meeting people at breastfeeding support groups. There are a bunch in my area so that has worked. Also story time at the library and other kid centered places. Our town rec dept does a baby gym, I'm Going to join that for the winter and hope to meet some more local moms that way. It is hard. It is the first time in a long time that I'm really trying to focus on making some new friends. I feel like I really need the support now as a new mother.

[DotAndBuzz]

Oct 26, 2015 21:29:26 GMT -5 @fkasmace said:

Oct 26, 2015 21:07:20 GMT -5 DotAndBuzz said:

So much this.

Now that I'm involved in N's school, I feel like I have friends again.  None of my friends from growing up are anywhere close to me (geographically, and/or stage of life), and while I'm still very close to them, parenting is a big part of my life that they just don't "get" yet.  They're not bad friends (one is my absolute best friend of 35 years, but she lives 3 hours away) but it is a huge part of my life for which they just have no frame of reference, and parenting stuff felt very isolating.

When your oldest goes to school, put yourself out there.  Force it.  It will feel hard at first, because you'll meet other moms who have been there, done that, for the past 5+ years, and you're the newbie trying to figure it all out.  When you get involved in something at school though, with other moms who are home a lot, it all comes together, and you start connecting.

But yes, it is hard, and isolating. I connected with a woman this year who moved here last year from out of state, and described feeling *exactly* what you are.  She didn't know anyone, her kids are in 3rd and 5th this year as well as a 3 year old, (mine are in 2nd, and preschool), but we're working on the same project and completely click.  Hang in there.

See, my kids tend to go to schools where people's biggest problems are that their Infiniti SUV doesn't come in the specific silver they really had their heart set on.(this was an actual problem from a classmate's mom last year, as I was discussing my father's cirrhosis. TOTALLY THE SAME)

anyyyway I just have nothing in common, at least not on the surface, with the majority of parents who are doing the volunteering . It's like dating, if there's nothing right there at the surface to pull me in I'm not gonna try and dig deeper. 

Ick.  She sucks.  There's definitely that contingent present as well, no doubt, and it's hard to not give a WTF face when you meet them. 

[eb777888]

Yes, it's very isolating, I totally get that. I love SAH and I wouldn't have it any other way but the only complaint I have is that it does get lonely and the funny thing is, I don't even love being around people that much. It's that lonely.

When David started preschool I threw myself into volunteering when I was needed. It wasn't until elementary school that I realized they really needed volunteers. This year especially, it has really become a part-time job and it's something that I enjoy. I've really had to put myself out there and after SAH for 6-7 years, it's really out of my comfort zone but I'm loving it. For me, volunteering has always brought me the most happiness when I'm looking to get out.

Or, join a book club? God, I wish someone around me would start a damn book club, lol. A good one where we drink wine and eat good food.

[rachelgreen]

Definitely. I don't live in town either so there is an extra layer of isolation built in. We are relocating to a new city (DH is already there m-f) so I single parent most days. It's tough. I've been going to our local mom's club since dd was 3 weeks old, minus a few weeks here and there, and I really have made some great friends...who now I'm going to miss and have to start all over with again. I don't have any great words of wisdom other than, I get it.

[eb777888]

Oct 26, 2015 23:04:00 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Oct 26, 2015 22:58:40 GMT -5 eb777888 said:

Yes, it's very isolating, I totally get that. I love SAH and I wouldn't have it any other way but the only complaint I have is that it does get lonely and the funny thing is, I don't even love being around people that much. It's that lonely.

When David started preschool I threw myself into volunteering when I was needed. It wasn't until elementary school that I realized they really needed volunteers. This year especially, it has really become a part-time job and it's something that I enjoy. I've really had to put myself out there and after SAH for 6-7 years, it's really out of my comfort zone but I'm loving it. For me, volunteering has always brought me the most happiness when I'm looking to get out.

Or, join a book club? God, I wish someone around me would start a damn book club, lol. A good one where we drink wine and eat good food.

I started one now that I SAH!!! JOIN:) You can fly  here once/mos and stay with me. 

Omg! That would be perfection!!

[House4Me]

If your kids are younger than Kindergarten you should look into a MOPS group. I wish I had known about them 7 years ago! I just joined this year and LOVE it. Highly recommend finding a good chapter in your area. You might make some great life long friends. 

[Deleted]

My group is the opposite. All my old friends stay at home

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Special Snowflake- I'm working part time. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. My sister works ft and teases me about the shorter hours I have. But I always seem to be working when my sahm friends are free

[lizard1131]

Yeah, my problem is the opposite as well, all my friends stay home. I still don't have any friends in our new town and we have lived here for 4 years. Sigh. @bonster214 let's get the PGH GTG going!!!!

[eclaires]

I am the only one of my pre-kid friends that is a SAHM, but I also moved out of state when my oldest was 2.5. So it was a double whammy really - navigating a new area and not having anyone here. It's gotten so much better now that they are in school and I've made some really good friends. My youngest is only in school two days per week still, so I volunteer where I can at my son's school within that schedule, which has helped me get to know people too. Both of their activities this fall have been really consuming but the upside is we've made some amazing friends which has been really nice.

[georgie]

Im the opposite in that I work and a lot of my friends are SAHMs. Or they don't work the traditional 8-5 like I do so while I'm off of work on the weekends that's when they are working. My husband also works 24 hour shifts so he is gone a good bit too. I was just talking with him the other day about how I am starting to feel lonely and isolated. And I'm pregnant with my first so I don't have my baby here to keep my busy yet either. But my husband was was like when she gets here it is going to be so busy with taking care of her that you will probably miss these days where you could just lay on the couch and do nothing. So that is what I am trying to tell myself right now.