In my opinion, forgiveness is not a single action but a continuous one. Every time you remember what happened you get angry again and then work through the process of forgiveness again and eventually it doesn't hurt so badly. Unfortunately, there is no magic answer to forgive and let go. It sounds like you are doing your best in that you wish him no ill will and are willing to exchange hellos on the off chance you see him.
I'm sorry you're in this position. This is kind of the relationship that's developed with my brother and it really sucks. I agree with chelsmat, it's a constant thing and you keep working through it. Do you want to say hello and talk a bit or would you rather not? I'm the type of person who would rather have a conversation and try to create some new common ground in exchange for slowly letting the past go. Sometimes making those new connections and memories is helpful. Unfortunately the parties involved in my family haven't made that effort at this point.
I have no advice, because I'm a grudge holder, but I think if you are going to keep running into him it makes the most sense to try and "let it go" even if you don't forgive him you can think of it as accepting the past and moving on from that experience. If you see him a couple times a year you can still say hello, wish you well....without hugging it out and crying together. Ya know?
I think forgiveness can take different forms. It doesn't always mean you grow to love the person and create a bond in spite of the past. It can mean that you don't personally feel any more anger and bitterness over the events that happened.
I forgave someone for a horrible act, but that doesn't mean I go out of my way to develop a relations with that person. I don't feel angry toward him anymore, which is a relief for me. I'll never forget what he did, but I don't hate him for it anymore.
Maybe it's ok that you just say hello and it ends there. It doesn't sound like you have anger that you dwell on at all.
I'm sorry you're in that situation - it sounds tough. I have a similar bad relationship with my BIL and SIL, and felt super awkward when they came to visit or we had to be at a joint gathering. I never expected them to apologize, but this summer they did. I felt kind of bad after that I still didn't feel 100% forgiving. So I agree that it's a process. It's hard (for me, anyway) to let go of something, especially when you don't understand how the person could have acted that way in the first place. Or you feel like they might do something awful again. I'd say keep things neutral, as you have. Don't share anything too personal, but be civil. You don't have to go out of your way to have a relationship, but you can be civil acquaintances when you do run into each other. I think it's completely fine and realistic of you to not expect to ever 100% forgive them. Maybe accepting that the relationship will never feel comfortable will actually let you off the hook a bit. When you feel yourself being uncomfortable, you could just feel it and accept it, instead of pressuring yourself to feel ok. That acceptance might end up making you feel more comfortable, if that makes sense? I guess it's getting to a place of acceptance, rather than forgiveness. That's where I'm at with my BIL and SIL, and it seems to help. Sorry you're in a tough situation.
I'm sorry you're in that situation - it sounds tough. I have a similar bad relationship with my BIL and SIL, and felt super awkward when they came to visit or we had to be at a joint gathering. I never expected them to apologize, but this summer they did. I felt kind of bad after that I still didn't feel 100% forgiving. So I agree that it's a process. It's hard (for me, anyway) to let go of something, especially when you don't understand how the person could have acted that way in the first place. Or you feel like they might do something awful again. I'd say keep things neutral, as you have. Don't share anything too personal, but be civil. You don't have to go out of your way to have a relationship, but you can be civil acquaintances when you do run into each other. I think it's completely fine and realistic of you to not expect to ever 100% forgive them. Maybe accepting that the relationship will never feel comfortable will actually let you off the hook a bit. When you feel yourself being uncomfortable, you could just feel it and accept it, instead of pressuring yourself to feel ok. That acceptance might end up making you feel more comfortable, if that makes sense? I guess it's getting to a place of acceptance, rather than forgiveness. That's where I'm at with my BIL and SIL, and it seems to help. Sorry you're in a tough situation.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Nov 5, 2015 9:04:17 GMT -5
I feel as though your attitude toward him is what I would call forgiveness. You wish him well. You don't dwell. It comes up occasionally and you feel a pang but it passes. What more would you want to do about this? He's never going to admit fault and you're never going to be close. I think you've handled this well. Some situations are just awful and enduring them is all you can do.