Welp, here I am

[mnsnow]

Lurker jumping in. On Monday I made the decision to leave MH. He's a narcotic addict who has been in recovery for 3 years and fell off the rails on the past 6 months, it all came to an abrupt end on Monday when he self-injured as a way to get to the ER. Overall, I'm feeling at peace with my decision... It's finally black and white instead of many shades of gray. But I have two awesome young boys--7 and 4-- and I'm devastated for them, not sure what to say or how or when to say it. Gah, this sucks. Not sure what I'm looking for, maybe just commiseration. It's the right decision I'm sure, it's just hard.

[glitzyglow]

Welcome and big hugs to you. It is hard, and we're here if you need anything.

[coda]

I'm sorry you're here but it sounds like it was for the best. My ex is an addict too. If you want to talk just let me know.

[pinkdutchtulips]

hugs

i'm the xw of an addict as well (meth and opiate painkillers), you hit your 'enough' point and you're at peace with the fact that however they end up is NOT your responsibility or problem to deal with.

raising kids with an addict is challenging at its best and downright destructive at its worst. the best thing i did for my dd (she was 4 at the time) was leave her dad. she knows that her dad is 'sick' and because he's 'sick' she cannot see him. someday i'd love for him to get his act together so they can have some sort of relationship but i'm not going to hold my breath :/

no one wants to be in your position but this is great board and there are a few of us who also left addict husbands so feel free to ask away .....

[itsalllies]

Hi. Welcome but sorry you have to be here.

[melloyello]

I'm sorry you are here

[mnsnow]

Thanks for the replies. I do know it's the right thing to do and I appreciate your insight pinkdutchtulips-- it helps me try to figure out what to tell the kids. Currently he is at his parents and has been out of the house for 6 days, so I'm feeling some pressure to tell them something a little more permanent than what I've been doing so far. I'm just not sure when the right time is?

[abcdefu]

I'm sorry you are here, but welcome. You are doing the absolute right thing for your children. They may too young to understand now, but when they finally do, they will know you did everything to protect them.

If you don't already have a lawyer, I suggest you retain or consult with one. Visitation can get really messy if he files for it. You may want to file first to get supervision in place.

HUGS to you!

[bg]

Welcome. I'm sorry you're dealing with this!

[1confused1]

Welcome, sorry you are here.

I told my kids that mom and dad didn't get along anymore and asked them if they liked being around someone who wasn't nice, they answered no, and I said I didn't either and that's why I couldn't live with their dad anymore.

[itsalllies]

Nov 21, 2015 11:59:39 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Welcome, sorry you are here.

I told my kids that mom and dad didn't get along anymore and asked them if they liked being around someone who wasn't nice, they answered no, and I said I didn't either and that's why I couldn't live with their dad anymore.

yikes. Idk how I feel about talking negatively about my kid's father to them.

To each her own.

I told my LO that daddy is going to live with grandma and she and I were going to live together. She's only two so I had to keep it simple.

[mnsnow]

Yeah, I don't think I'd take the approach of telling my kids that he wasn't a nice person. I'm hopeful that he will get the help he needs eventually and can still be a father to them. I think telling them he's sick and is away getting the help he needs is probably appropriate. I don't think they need to know much more right now. I've definitely been the primary caregiver all along, so not a lot will change in that respect. The challenge will just be not having another adult...my routine will have to change significantly. No more 5:30 AM gym workouts, meeting with clients before school starts, quick evening walks with a neighbor, etc. Huge life change.

[1confused1]

Nov 21, 2015 13:31:32 GMT -5 itsalllies said:

Nov 21, 2015 11:59:39 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Welcome, sorry you are here.

I told my kids that mom and dad didn't get along anymore and asked them if they liked being around someone who wasn't nice, they answered no, and I said I didn't either and that's why I couldn't live with their dad anymore.

yikes. Idk how I feel about talking negatively about my kid's father to them.

To each her own.

I told my LO that daddy is going to live with grandma and she and I were going to live together. She's only two so I had to keep it simple.

I didn't talk negatively, I told them the truth.  They witnessed him treating me like shit so it wasn't news to them.  They are also older than your daughter.

I never ever say anything bad about him to them.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Nov 21, 2015 13:31:32 GMT -5 itsalllies said:

Nov 21, 2015 11:59:39 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Welcome, sorry you are here.

I told my kids that mom and dad didn't get along anymore and asked them if they liked being around someone who wasn't nice, they answered no, and I said I didn't either and that's why I couldn't live with their dad anymore.

yikes. Idk how I feel about talking negatively about my kid's father to them.

To each her own.

I told my LO that daddy is going to live with grandma and she and I were going to live together. She's only two so I had to keep it simple.

there's nothing negative about that statement - poor treatment is a horrible example for kids and tells kids that it's acceptable to treat people poorly. Nope ! My DD saw her dad physically assault me - when we left she completely understood that people who love each other DO NOT hit each other and that mommy did not tolerate that kind of behavior so we left.

[doriswe]

I'd be careful about using the concept of "sick" for kids that age. They might think if they get sick they'll have to go away too.