How do you talk to your children about race? I know there have been books on diversity suggested, but I searched and couldn't find them. I want to make sure I don't screw this up.
DD is almost 3.5. We live in a very homogeneous community. Yesterday we were at the grocery store and I referred to the employee at the meat counter as "the nice man". (He helps us every week and had moved from the hot prepared section to the meat counter to help us). DD said, he's not a nice man and when I asked why she thought he wasn't nice she said, "because he's black".
I suppressed my urge to crawl in a hole and die or to shush her. I calmly acted confused and asked why she would think he wasn't nice and she said, "because he's black". I talked about people having all different colors of skin and how skin color has nothing to do with being nice or not. That different skin colors aren't good or bad, they are just different. I asked how she would feel if someone thought she wasn't nice because of her skin color and how she thought the man or my friend she knows well (who is black) would feel if she thought they were mean because they are black. She said it would feel bad. I asked if she had any questions about our conversation or differences and she said no. She seemed receptive but it was so shocking and this all happened in front of everyone at the store.
I don't know where it came from, but clearly we need to do more talking and work at home. Any suggestions would be great. Thanks.
My kids attend (and I teach at) a very racially diverse Quaker school where anti-racism is a huge piece of what we do. Kids as early as 5th grade are exploring affinity groups and talking about privilege and racism, so I think it's important that my kids (Pre-K and 1st grade) are well versed. We talk about race a lot. We call out racism when we see it in books, TV, real life. We talk about different skin and how no one really looks the same, and they do the same in their classrooms. It's part of the education of the school.
Good books: "All the Colors We Are" "The Skin You live In"- Michael Tyler "The Colors of Us" - Karen Katz "Shades of People" (can't remember the author, sorry) "Chocolate Me" - Taye Diggs "It's ok to be Different" - Todd Parr Anything by Faith Ringgold
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
I'm curious too. DD's pre-K teachers were both AA and they were by far her favorites ever. We actually have one over to our house regularly b/c she had twins in DD's class at the time, so they come over to play and we like the parents. She has 3 (out of 18) kids in her class that are AA, and she's friendly with the two girls. However, she does tend to describe them by their skin color, such as saying "Maria, with the brown skin" and I don't know how (or if?)I should correct her. I have asked why she used that to describe Maria, since I've never heard her describe her other friends with peach skin. She just said she didn't know.
I'm curious too. DD's pre-K teachers were both AA and they were by far her favorites ever. We actually have one over to our house regularly b/c she had twins in DD's class at the time, so they come over to play and we like the parents. She has 3 (out of 18) kids in her class that are AA, and she's friendly with the two girls. However, she does tend to describe them by their skin color, such as saying "Maria, with the brown skin" and I don't know how (or if?)I should correct her. I have asked why she used that to describe Maria, since I've never heard her describe her other friends with peach skin. She just said she didn't know.
We've had this issue too. He has to Nicholases in his school, one of whom is AA, so he would call them "brown skinned Nicholas" and "light skinned Nicholas". We encouraged learning their last names to differentiate, but it's hard to know what to say because he clearly meant nothing by it, and it IS a physical description. Still, you can't go around in public referring to people as brown.
I think you handled it well, and sometime kids are so literally. I've nannied a lot of kids and sometimes they don't get a person can be more then one thing. I'll tell the little boy "Mark you're so funny" and he'll respond I'm NOT funny I'm MARK! Maybe he just ment that man was black. Don't get me wrong nows a perfect time to talk to your child but sometimes we as adult over think what the kids mean.
I'm curious too. DD's pre-K teachers were both AA and they were by far her favorites ever. We actually have one over to our house regularly b/c she had twins in DD's class at the time, so they come over to play and we like the parents. She has 3 (out of 18) kids in her class that are AA, and she's friendly with the two girls. However, she does tend to describe them by their skin color, such as saying "Maria, with the brown skin" and I don't know how (or if?)I should correct her. I have asked why she used that to describe Maria, since I've never heard her describe her other friends with peach skin. She just said she didn't know.
We've had this issue too. He has to Nicholases in his school, one of whom is AA, so he would call them "brown skinned Nicholas" and "light skinned Nicholas". We encouraged learning their last names to differentiate, but it's hard to know what to say because he clearly meant nothing by it, and it IS a physical description. Still, you can't go around in public referring to people as brown.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Nov 23, 2015 13:38:40 GMT -5
My daughter is 3. We talk about skin color sometimes. I ask her what color her skin is. What color us mine? Her cousins? Then we talk about height, and eye color and, hair color. I try to tie it into the idea of everyone being a little different. I try to actively discuss other skin colors being just as good as hers because I've read that children prefer people who resemble themselves as early as toddlerhood. I also read (Nurtureshock, I think) that kids pick up on parents' discomfort talking race and think it's a "bad" topic, so I try to curb that discomfort.
I'm curious too. DD's pre-K teachers were both AA and they were by far her favorites ever. We actually have one over to our house regularly b/c she had twins in DD's class at the time, so they come over to play and we like the parents. She has 3 (out of 18) kids in her class that are AA, and she's friendly with the two girls. However, she does tend to describe them by their skin color, such as saying "Maria, with the brown skin" and I don't know how (or if?)I should correct her. I have asked why she used that to describe Maria, since I've never heard her describe her other friends with peach skin. She just said she didn't know.
We've had this issue too. He has to Nicholases in his school, one of whom is AA, so he would call them "brown skinned Nicholas" and "light skinned Nicholas". We encouraged learning their last names to differentiate, but it's hard to know what to say because he clearly meant nothing by it, and it IS a physical description. Still, you can't go around in public referring to people as brown.
There's nothing wrong with using someone's skin color to describe and differentiate them. I'm not ashamed to have brown skin and it's an easy way to differentiate me amongst a crowd of write people. I use skin color as a descriptor when necessary.
Being "color blind" is just as counterproductive as being racist.
i used to do an activity with elementary age kids where i'd make a two-way hand-held mirror out of cardboard and instead of glass, stretch a piece of that color saran wrap across the opening. if you did it at home, you'd ask her what she likes about you or daddy or a friend and let her list all the reasons. then you have her look at you through the purple saran wrap and ask her if she still likes you. if you still take good care of her, if you're still a good cook, if you still dance with her in the kitchen, if you still read to her at night, etc. then you ask her what's different and she will say you're a different color. and that opens up a kid-friendly conversation about people being who they are no matter what color their skin is.
of course, when i was doing this activity almost twenty years ago, i never dreamed that moms of color would be talkign to THEIR elementary school kids about how to handle the police.
Is this a discussion you ever plan to have with your children (or a discussion your parents had with you)?
I feel that, as minorities, we just...deal with it.
I think this is what I was getting at in my post. This topic seems to be such an issue for white people, but for people of color, the topic is simply handled. It's funny b/c it's usually the person of color who is the victim of racial/ethnic/color ignorance, yet we figure it out.
This topic seems to come up fairly often, but I never notice people of color asking this question. I wonder why that is.
We're already aware that we are "different."
True. It just really annoys me that, for some people, different automatically equals bad. And why must there be something wrong with me? Maybe you (generally speaking) are the problem.
Post by rageragerage on Nov 23, 2015 13:51:39 GMT -5
Don't let them start up with this chocolate and vanilla bullshit either. It is so annoying, I don't know who told my son he is chocolate but we are having to work on him acknowledging that he is brown.
Is this a discussion you ever plan to have with your children (or a discussion your parents had with you)?
I feel that, as minorities, we just...deal with it.
I think this is what I was getting at in my post. This topic seems to be such an issue for white people, but for people of color, the topic is simply handled. It's funny b/c it's usually the person of color who is the victim of racial/ethnic/color ignorance, yet we figure it out.
because i'd like to think that it's up to me what "type" of white person i'm raising. am i raising somebody who can embrace diversity or am i raising somebody who is going to attend a trump rally? at some point, somebody is going to tell my kids something stupid about race and i want my kids to be equipped to reject it. jonah was in first grade when president obama was elected teh second time and came home repeating all manner of shit that he heard about him at school.
Is this a discussion you ever plan to have with your children (or a discussion your parents had with you)?
I feel that, as minorities, we just...deal with it.
sure. Maybe not this exact discussion, but we will (and have) talk about race. My parents did the same thing. They're also militant black nationalists, so maybe they're not the best example. Lol. You can't deal with what you don't understand.
Is this a discussion you ever plan to have with your children (or a discussion your parents had with you)?
I feel that, as minorities, we just...deal with it.
sure. Maybe not this exact discussion, but we will (and have) talk about race. My parents did the same thing. They're also militant black nationalists, so maybe they're not the best example. Lol. You can't deal with what you don't understand.
I feel like that discussion (and any discussion I may or may not have with my child) would...not be the same as what is being requested in this thread.
True. It just really annoys me that, for some people, different automatically equals bad. And why must there be something wrong with me? Maybe you (generally speaking) are the problem.
i think this happens naturally when you grow up in a very homogeneous community. i've mentioned this before, but when we moved from TN to MD, my preschooler pointed to a non-white kid at the neighborhood pool and told me that the kid was his "least favorite color." i think any kind of brand new "otherness" makes kids uncomfortable at that age.
Is this a discussion you ever plan to have with your children (or a discussion your parents had with you)?
I feel that, as minorities, we just...deal with it.
Well I think the discussions are totally different in non-white families but it is definitely discussed when I was growing up.
We definitely talked about racism and my parents shared their experiences with me so I would be prepared. They also tried to instill in me confidence in my race. I still remember vividly singing " say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud" on numerous occasions with my mom.
But no, I don't think my mom was worried about what to do if I described a little white girl as white because well she was white and we had larger race issues to worry about, such as what to say if someone calls you the N word.
There's nothing wrong with using someone's skin color to describe and differentiate them. I'm not ashamed to have brown skin and it's an easy way to differentiate me amongst a crowd of write people. I use skin color as a descriptor when necessary.
Being "color blind" is just as counterproductive as being racist.
sure. Maybe not this exact discussion, but we will (and have) talk about race. My parents did the same thing. They're also militant black nationalists, so maybe they're not the best example. Lol. You can't deal with what you don't understand.
I feel like that discussion (and any discussion I may or may not have with my child) would...not be the same as what is being requested in this thread.
I disagree. I've actually had this same discussion with my kid. It's simply a question about how to address questions about differences. The answers may be different, but the spirit of the conversation is likely the same. And I know plenty of black parents who have asked the same question of other black parents. I just assume we don't see those here because of the demographics of the board.
And this is precisely why media and the arts needs to have more people of color. Even extras are always so damn white. There is no reason for this considering the country is half (?) non white people. The only Hispanic in the movie doesn't need to be a maid. These little preschoolers wouldn't be so confused if they at least saw SOME diversity on tv and in movies.
Post by oliviapope on Nov 23, 2015 14:04:23 GMT -5
I am half white, half black, and my SO is Mexican. My son is blue eyed and very pale (he does tan nicely). I feel like I have to have some sort of conversation, but it hasn't really come up yet, but he does say that he is white and that mommy and daddy are brown. He also thinks a lot of random black people are Will Smith so I might be failing at the diversity conversation.
I think this is what I was getting at in my post. This topic seems to be such an issue for white people, but for people of color, the topic is simply handled. It's funny b/c it's usually the person of color who is the victim of racial/ethnic/color ignorance, yet we figure it out.
because i'd like to think that it's up to me what "type" of white person i'm raising. am i raising somebody who can embrace diversity or am i raising somebody who is going to attend a trump rally? at some point, somebody is going to tell my kids something stupid about race and i want my kids to be equipped to reject it. jonah was in first grade when president obama was elected teh second time and came home repeating all manner of shit that he heard about him at school.
Exactly. My son, who is white, came home one day in 1st grade telling me that Destiny (African American) can't be his girlfriend anymore because Susie (Iranian) told him that people with brown skin and people with white skin couldn't be boyfriend and girlfriend. I am not doing that whole "I don't see color" thing that ends up making people look like even bigger assholes, but I also don't want my kid to blindly regurgitate racist things he hears from other kids because he doesn't know any better. I want him to know better. If you don't discuss it, then the only real education he gets about people who are different from him (whether it's race, gender, sexual orientation, etc) is what he hears from peers - and who knows what that's going to be like. My kids are at a culturally diverse school, but it's still NC...
We've had this issue too. He has to Nicholases in his school, one of whom is AA, so he would call them "brown skinned Nicholas" and "light skinned Nicholas". We encouraged learning their last names to differentiate, but it's hard to know what to say because he clearly meant nothing by it, and it IS a physical description. Still, you can't go around in public referring to people as brown.
There's nothing wrong with using someone's skin color to describe and differentiate them. I'm not ashamed to have brown skin and it's an easy way to differentiate me amongst a crowd of write people. I use skin color as a descriptor when necessary.
Being "color blind" is just as counterproductive as being racist.
I agree, but when he mentions something like "only the brown people are getting on the elevator" we've gotten dirty looks. This happened the other day when a large AA family with a stroller was waiting with us. Both strollers were not going to fit on the elevator, so I just let them go and he loudly announced that the brown skinned people were going on the elevator and the light skinned people were not. It's hard to navigate when they're too young to really understand social cues. Do I tell him not to refer to people by their skin color as a blanket rule because it's safer? Do I try to explain nuance in situation and when it's an appropriate physical description?
We talk a lot about how we are all different and how God made us all special, and the way someone looks is not important. He came home one day talking about the weird kid in a wheel chair at school who scares him because he's always making faces, and I had to try to tackle disabilities as another form of difference. Fuck man, explaining things to kids who are naturally curious and don't understand needs a manual.
Post by sallywalker on Nov 23, 2015 14:12:02 GMT -5
T's class actually had the discussion as a part of their curriculum. They discussed each other's skin color, eye color, hair color ect. T came home and asked to hold her arm next to mine. She said "Look! Your arm is darker than mine! We are all different colors, isn't that neat!" Then she asked to hold her face next to mine in the mirror so that she could see the differences in our eye colors. She said they all got to look at each other in class to see how they are all different.
And this is precisely why media and the arts needs to have more people of color. Even extras are always so damn white. There is no reason for this considering the country is half (?) non white people. The only Hispanic in the movie doesn't need to be a maid. These little preschoolers wouldn't be so confused if they at least saw SOME diversity on tv and in movies.
Dude! I pushed sesame street down my kids throat for years because it was their only exposure to ANYBODY non-white or non-christian