Talking to preschoolers about race

[05heel]

The idea that these are not questions among black parents, and that all issues of race with their young children are simply handled is nonsense. So much nonsense. And although I may not always be game for answering the questions that frequently come up on this board, I can still appreciate that people are asking. You have to discuss these things in your home first, because if you don't it's almost impossible to have productive talks and interactions "across the aisle" as adults. We've all watched that play out.

[badtzmaru22]

We talk about it a lot, but I appreciate the book recs. DD is still in the "describe people by what they're wearing" phase, so last week she went to a Star Wars exhibit at the museum with DH, and when she got home, she said, "Guess who we saw at the museum! The white guys!!" And it took a minute to figure out she meant Storm Troopers. She's pretty aware that everyone has differences, but she also likes to point them out very loudly, so I just want to do my best to talk and answer questions now, so when the questions get tougher (for everything, not just race) that I know what to say!

[thebuddhagouda]

Nov 23, 2015 14:18:45 GMT -5 badtzmaru22 said:

We talk about it a lot, but I appreciate the book recs. DD is still in the "describe people by what they're wearing" phase, so last week she went to a Star Wars exhibit at the museum with DH, and when she got home, she said, "Guess who we saw at the museum! The white guys!!" And it took a minute to figure out she meant Storm Troopers. She's pretty aware that everyone has differences, but she also likes to point them out very loudly, so I just want to do my best to talk and answer questions now, so when the questions get tougher (for everything, not just race) that I know what to say!

Ethan used to differentiate New batman vs classic batman by "black batman" and "blue batman" which was all well and good until he told an AA kid on the playground that he had to be "black batman". Cue another weird look directed at me from that kid's mom. 

[cst2cst]

Nov 23, 2015 13:57:36 GMT -5 miso said:

Nov 23, 2015 13:55:29 GMT -5 05heel said:

sure. Maybe not this exact discussion, but we will (and have) talk about race. My parents did the same thing. They're also militant black nationalists, so maybe they're not the best example. Lol. You can't deal with what you don't understand.

I feel like that discussion (and any discussion I may or may not have with my child) would...not be the same as what is being requested in this thread.

What is it that you think I'm requesting in this thread?

[miso]

Nov 23, 2015 14:23:55 GMT -5 cst2cst said:

Nov 23, 2015 13:57:36 GMT -5 miso said:

I feel like that discussion (and any discussion I may or may not have with my child) would...not be the same as what is being requested in this thread.

What is it that you think I'm requesting in this thread?

How you should handle a discussion about race with your child.

What is it that you think I am thinking you're requesting?

#inceptionquestion

[miso]

Nov 23, 2015 14:25:10 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Nov 23, 2015 13:45:24 GMT -5 miso said:

Question for the non-white people:

Is this a discussion you ever plan to have with your children (or a discussion your parents had with you)?

I feel that, as minorities, we just...deal with it.

Doesn't that sort of imply that because she is a person of color misotiny would automatically understand racial differences and not have questions? I mean, it's not like it's uncommon for minorities to also hold racist views. Growing up as an Asian female is different than growing up as a Black male, which is different than growing up as a Hispanic woman, etc. etc. I feel like by saying "as minorities" you're universalizing an experience that's not universal.

I guess "as minorities" means "as me and as her," and we are both Asian females. LOL.

I suppose there will be some sort of discussion.

I don't necessarily think it will be the same or similar to the discussion that a white family would have, which is not to say that one is any better than the other.

Just different.

LIKE PEOPLE.

[miso]

My parents never had any discussion with us.

But they are immigrants.

And that was a whole different set of issues.

[cst2cst]

Nov 23, 2015 14:25:54 GMT -5 miso said:

Nov 23, 2015 14:23:55 GMT -5 cst2cst said:

What is it that you think I'm requesting in this thread?

How you should handle a discussion about race with your child.

What is it that you think I am thinking you're requesting?

#inceptionquestion

That was what I was asking. I was reading into the ellipsis.

[cst2cst]

I really appreciate the discussion and sharing experiences. This feels so important (because it is) and I want to make sure we continue to talk about race and diversity in a way she can understand. I was caught off guard by her comment and want to do better.

[Deleted]

Nov 23, 2015 14:07:44 GMT -5 thebuddhagouda said:

Nov 23, 2015 13:39:52 GMT -5 @wandering said:

There's nothing wrong with using someone's skin color to describe and differentiate them. I'm not ashamed to have brown skin and it's an easy way to differentiate me amongst a crowd of write people. I use skin color as a descriptor when necessary.

Being "color blind" is just as counterproductive as being racist.

I agree, but when he mentions something like "only the brown people are getting on the elevator" we've gotten dirty looks.  This happened the other day when a large AA family with a stroller was waiting with us. Both strollers were not going to fit on the elevator, so I just let them go and he loudly announced that the brown skinned people were going on the elevator and the light skinned people were not. It's hard to navigate when they're too young to really understand social cues. Do I tell him not to refer to people by their skin color as a blanket rule because it's safer? Do I try to explain nuance in situation and when it's an appropriate physical description? 

We talk a lot about how we are all different and how God made us all special, and the way someone looks is not important. He came home one day talking about the weird kid in a wheel chair at school who scares him because he's always making faces, and I had to try to tackle disabilities as another form of difference. Fuck man, explaining things to kids who are naturally curious and don't understand needs a manual. 

That kind of statement is pretty typical at that age in my opinion. He didn't say anything offensive other than point out that black people got on the elevator. Now if he would have said something like "black people shouldn't be able to get on the elevator first" then I'd address it. Kids at that age say whatever comes to their mind and he was just making an observation. As adults we notice that the black family got on the elevator but don't verbally express it because there is no need to do so, but obviously kids don't have that kind of filter. Like I said previously there is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing that someone is a different race or ethnicity.

[05heel]

Nov 23, 2015 15:46:03 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Nov 23, 2015 14:07:44 GMT -5 thebuddhagouda said:

I agree, but when he mentions something like "only the brown people are getting on the elevator" we've gotten dirty looks.  This happened the other day when a large AA family with a stroller was waiting with us. Both strollers were not going to fit on the elevator, so I just let them go and he loudly announced that the brown skinned people were going on the elevator and the light skinned people were not. It's hard to navigate when they're too young to really understand social cues. Do I tell him not to refer to people by their skin color as a blanket rule because it's safer? Do I try to explain nuance in situation and when it's an appropriate physical description? 

We talk a lot about how we are all different and how God made us all special, and the way someone looks is not important. He came home one day talking about the weird kid in a wheel chair at school who scares him because he's always making faces, and I had to try to tackle disabilities as another form of difference. Fuck man, explaining things to kids who are naturally curious and don't understand needs a manual. 

That kind of statement is pretty typical at that age in my opinion. He didn't say anything offensive other than point out that black people got on the elevator. Now if he would have said something like "black people shouldn't be able to get on the elevator first" then I'd address it. Kids at that age say whatever comes to their mind and he was just making an observation. As adults we notice that the black family got on the elevator but don't verbally express it because there is no need to do so, but obviously kids don't have that kind of filter. Like I said previously there is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing that someone is a different race or ethnicity.

I'd definitely tell my kid not to say things like that out loud.  Kids need to be quiet in public more often than not anyway.  You get two lessons for the price of one!

[raangoli]

Nov 23, 2015 14:43:44 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

Nov 23, 2015 14:30:54 GMT -5 miso said:

My parents never had any discussion with us.

But they are immigrants.

And that was a whole different set of issues.

Amen to all of this! 

I'd also like to co-sign this. 

[Deleted]

Nov 23, 2015 15:54:14 GMT -5 05heel said:

Nov 23, 2015 15:46:03 GMT -5 @wandering said:

That kind of statement is pretty typical at that age in my opinion. He didn't say anything offensive other than point out that black people got on the elevator. Now if he would have said something like "black people shouldn't be able to get on the elevator first" then I'd address it. Kids at that age say whatever comes to their mind and he was just making an observation. As adults we notice that the black family got on the elevator but don't verbally express it because there is no need to do so, but obviously kids don't have that kind of filter. Like I said previously there is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing that someone is a different race or ethnicity.

I'd definitely tell my kid not to say things like that out loud.  Kids need to be quiet in public more often than not anyway.  You get two lessons for the price of one!

Lol. I mean there are plenty of times a kid needs a filter so I'd address it like any of those times but I don't think it deserves to be reprimanded in a different way than all the other things kids yell out with no filter. Hopefully that makes sense.