Post by thebreakfastclub on Dec 2, 2015 15:28:11 GMT -5
Also cheesy, but the best thing about having one almost 3 yo is the ability to see things through his eyes. Everything is new and so exciting to him.
Less fun is the fact that at 8pm tonight, I'll be coaxing him into pajamas and brushing his teeth. He'll whine about the way I pull his blanket up, and he'll ask to sleep with his pirate ship. Tomorrow night, we'll have the exact same conversation. That really does get old.
If you were not someone who always knew you wanted to be a parent someday (but ended up becoming one...), I'd love to hear about how your experience has been... I am specifically interested in people who seriously considered staying child-free but ended up becoming a parent somehow (came around to it, accidents, etc.) Any thoughts on...
1. What convinced you to make the jump?
We had been married for five years when my DD was born so people were surprised when we actually had her because I guess it was not normal to wait so long. Around this time of year, I started to feel a bit of baby fever. I wanted someone to share traditions with and the holidays kinda made me think what it would be like to have a kid at home.
2. What surprised you? How fucking hard NBs are and how much I love sleep. But I also moved away from family to another country when my DD was 3 months old so it was rough. I still miss traveling without kids and it can hard to deal with anxiety/stress that can come from parenting.
3. How did your career change? I became a SAHM.
4. How did your relationship change? I love seeing my DH with my DD. Now we are doing great but it was rough with so many changes at once.
5. What do you wish you had known...? My DD is my everything. She really is the best thing I have ever done. But... I am very on the fence about a second. I am so happy that I had her but I am not sure if I want to do it all over again.
This thread is brought to you by some health issues that mean I need to get off the fence on this sooner rather than later... Would love to hear insights from others who ended up at Yes despite real doubts.
Thanks you guys - this is a great thread and please keep it coming. On the medical stuff--it will be fine, but I have terrible fibroids that are causing me a lot of issues (and very likely making me infertile right at the moment) - I'm going to get that taken care of surgically, but then medical advice will be to get any pregnancies done quickly so I can have a hysterectomy or some other more permanent solution--because they will more than likely grow back and be a long-term problem. I'm 34 at the moment and will likely be 35 by the time I can get my issues fixed and be cleared to TTC hypothetically. If we don't want kids, knowing that just lets me do more aggressive treatments sooner.
My thinking, stream of consciousness-style:
-We have our shit together - good jobs, house, money, there's no logistical reason not to. Of course that means we have a fun life now with travel and restaurants and whatnot. -We have a very solid relationship and partnership. Our only fights have been around division of responsibility (me having way too much of it) - we're in a good place now with it, but we outsource a ton of stuff. My mom was a married single parent because of my dad's job, and I would never want that life. And I know DH has those tendencies which gives me major pause. He's gotten somewhat better, but if push came to shove and someone had to skip work to deal with a sick kid--right now I think that person would be me. -Two demanding jobs, both of which we love, both of us are wired to be workaholics. -Family is 3000 miles away--although so are both our jobs, so if we wanted to move closer to them, it would be easy to do so. Higher COL though (which is crazy comparing to DC). -I need my sleep and I am not a patient person. Newborn stage looks impossible to me. I have a 3yo nephew and he's fairly fabulous. -All our friends are having kids -Will we get bored with this version of life? -Would having a kid make us more connected to others/community and/or grow as people -At the same time, do I want to be connected to communities of hovering super-parents who have their kids in 15 activities and are doing SAT prep at age 5? I suspect that is who we are surrounded by here (and would be in CA too). -A vague sense that I would like to be about more than just my work. -My mother would die of happiness -A human we raised would generally be a good human I think. Probably chubby, definitely smart. But good.
yeah, that's what I've got.
I'm just going to respond to this part. Maybe because you've already figured out how to outsource a lot of stuff this won't be as big a deal, but to expand on what I've been experiencing -- adding a third person to your life just, for me, seemed to exponentially increase the to-do list and the things you have to constantly keep track of/plan for mentally. DH and I actually split things fairly evenly, and I still feel resentful, because we can do 50-50, but there's still 150% to do. Because even though he's doing bedtime and bath time tonight, I'm not getting a break, I'm cleaning up dinner and running the vacuum (didn't I just do that last weekend, why is it already time to do it again? Oh right, because this little person gets things messy daily and I let it slide last night because I was trying to finish up something for work after kid went to bed).
Because on Friday night I'm already spinning my mental wheels thinking what's the weather going to be this weekend and will taking DS to Target be enough to occupy him between breakfast and lunch on Saturday or do I need to plan to go to the park with the train slide (again *yawn*). And do we have enough milk for the weekend or do I need to find some time to go to the store. And it's close to Christmas so what gifts to I need to pick up for the daycare teachers. All the things that are not and will never be on DH's radar and that I can't relax until they're taken care of and space is made in my brain.
Mr. Smock and I considered staying child-free, but now have a toddler and a second on the way. It's extremely hard to describe what convinced me that I wanted kids, but when I close friend of mine was pregnant I found myself envious, which really surprised me. I went from "eww pregnancy and babies are gross" to "sign me up" in a matter of months, it was a big turnaround.
I worried that I wouldn't like being a mom, that I would feel stifled by kids, and that I'd want to get away from my baby. I was afraid that I'd lose myself in some cult of motherhood and not be an actual individual any more. I'm pretty surprised at how happy I've been, and how much I absolutely adore DD. I really like raising a crazy little human. My relationship had some rough times in the first 6 mo, but we are very happy now and good co-parents. My career didn't change; luckily I'm in a flexible field.
When you're talking about kids hypothetically, it is really easy to see the down sides, but very hard to quantify the good parts.
Our only fights have been around division of responsibility (me having way too much of it) - we're in a good place now with it, but we outsource a ton of stuff. My mom was a married single parent because of my dad's job, and I would never want that life. And I know DH has those tendencies which gives me major pause. He's gotten somewhat better, but if push came to shove and someone had to skip work to deal with a sick kid--right now I think that person would be me. -Two demanding jobs, both of which we love, both of us are wired to be workaholics.
I'm just going to respond to this part. Maybe because you've already figured out how to outsource a lot of stuff this won't be as big a deal, but to expand on what I've been experiencing -- adding a third person to your life just, for me, seemed to exponentially increase the to-do list and the things you have to constantly keep track of/plan for mentally. DH and I actually split things fairly evenly, and I still feel resentful, because we can do 50-50, but there's still 150% to do. Because even though he's doing bedtime and bath time tonight, I'm not getting a break, I'm cleaning up dinner and running the vacuum (didn't I just do that last weekend, why is it already time to do it again? Oh right, because this little person gets things messy daily and I let it slide last night because I was trying to finish up something for work after kid went to bed).
Because on Friday night I'm already spinning my mental wheels thinking what's the weather going to be this weekend and will taking DS to Target be enough to occupy him between breakfast and lunch on Saturday or do I need to plan to go to the park with the train slide (again *yawn*). And do we have enough milk for the weekend or do I need to find some time to go to the store. And it's close to Christmas so what gifts to I need to pick up for the daycare teachers. All the things that are not and will never be on DH's radar and that I can't relax until they're taken care of and space is made in my brain.
No I don't think we have solved it, and it's probably my #1 reservation. There is only so much that can be outsourced, and I know with certainty that DH can never be trained to think of these things that need to be thought of--that is still my job now, and it's really hard to do traveling as much as I do for work. A child would make it infinitely worse. There is only so much that can be task-rabbited or amazon primed, and we may already be bumping up against that boundary.
I was of the camp that I didn't want children and I would be fine without. H wanted them but also knew he would be fine without them meaning we wouldn't take any drastic measures. We got married later in life - he was 40 I was 37. After a couple years of marriage we decided we should try and see what happened. I was 39 when I got pregnant. We OAD.
1. What convinced you to make the jump? H wanted too. We talked about it and decided we would see what happened. We weren't obsessive about it and in fact it took almost 9 months.
2. What surprised you? Having a newborn sucked way more then I ever thought about it. Maybe the problem is I never did really really think about it before. . I knew I wasn't a baby a person but I detested with the fire of a 1000 suns the baby stage. I am very open that I really didn't connect with my son until he was about 6 months old. I knew I would like the toddler stage and on and boy do I. He is just so much fun and his own little person. He cracks me up, makes me smile thinking about him and we have such a great little family. There are times (days) where I am so over his whining and antics but NOTHING like when he was a baby.
3. How did your career change? It really hasn't. In fact I have taken on an executive level role since having him. We don't have any family around but we are lucky that we have a nanny who is the most amazing person and part of our family which allows both of us to continue working at the levels we were before. The only hard thing is H owns his own business so I do end of having deal more with staying home with M when needed.
4. How did your relationship change? I will admit I am short with H and I do feel more tapped out. Part of this is due to having a kid but also being in a job where on most days I have people constantly needing things from me, are in my office, I am in meetings or just asking me things and then I go home and deal with M until he goes to bed. By the time he is in bed I am just so fried from the day. On the flip side it is amazing to see what a great dad H is and we do work well as a team.
5. What do you wish you had known...? How bad the newborn phase was, how freaked out I would be by thought of being inside all day with a baby.
I've started and stopped several replied to this. It's emotional topic for me, lol. I will say that G is the one thing I got right in this life. He's funny and sweet and smart and caring - he is amazing. The thought of missing out on that, on him, is really really hard.
But. The days can be so long. The crying and meltdowns are hard. I miss some things about our pre-kid life but know that the season of life with a small child is short in the grand scheme of things. I was ok with the trade offs and we were on the fence a long time - we were married 7 years when he was born (granted, we were beebees when we got married).
We were on the fence for awhile (until IF made me realize how much I actually wanted to be a parent). I love it more than I ever thought possible, and I am surprised by how rarely I want to leave him. I was sure I would be lining up babysitters and going away with H on getaway weekends, and we have not done that yet (we go on dates, but mostly after 7 pm when he falls asleep). I love being with him. I have left him for work trips and I work FT.
Speaking of career, I feel like I got better at my job because I want my time away to matter and I want to be more productive in the hours I'm there. But at the same time he was born, my job got more demanding and I am resentful of how often I need to bring work home and how much I think about work when I'm home. I love working and I don't actually think I'd like being a SAHM, but I resent having so many obligations on both sides and feeling stressed by opposing priorities all the time.
Post by iheartbanjos on Dec 2, 2015 16:07:58 GMT -5
We had already vocalized to our families that we were not having kids.
1. What convinced you to make the jump?
My H. We were on vacation in Europe, and he had started mentioning the idea of having a baby. On the last night of our trip, after we had been drinking heavily, we decided to give it a go. By next morning, I told him that I was maybe on board but we needed to talk about it further. Welp, it only took one time.
2. What surprised you?
How easy adapting to motherhood has been. Don't get me wrong, some days are very hard, but this has literally been the best thing that has ever happened to me.
3. How did your career change?
It really hasn't. I am still one of the highest regard add members on my team.
4. How did your relationship change?
I think we're better. We were married for four years before we had our first child, so we had a really strong foundation.
5. What do you wish you had known...?
I wish I would've known more about the constant worry. It's nothing over-the-top, but I am always concerned about the welfare of my children. It's almost like I can never truly relax. This probably sounds like I have a problem, but I think that this is pretty natural, based on my discussions with other parents.
Post by melodramatic26 on Dec 2, 2015 16:15:33 GMT -5
Dh and I were together since high school. Went to different colleges, dated long distance through college, got married when we graduated.
I felt like we had a great relationship and loved the life we had. He traveled for work, we both traveled for fun, played sports, went out all the time. I had no interest in kids and neither did he.
Then after being married for 7 years, he changed his mind. It was almost a deal breaker because I wasn't there. But we talked about it, I understood where he was coming from, and as our friends starting settling down, I started seeing us being able to do it too.
BUT I WAS SO SCARED. I liked us. I only knew us. I didn't have any idea how a 3rd, helpless little person would fit into our life. But I'm so glad I took a chance on it.
2. What surprised you? how much we enjoy actually being parents. As much as I loved our singleton life, it's even better with the girls.
3. How did your career change? Neither did. We are both career focused and have both been substantially promoted since having kids. Since it's important to both of us, we really work as a team to be sure we are both being successful.
4. How did your relationship change? This is where I was most afraid, but wish I had had more faith. We have literally grown up with each other. We were kids when we met and have grown into adults together. Good and bad, mistakes and lessons learned. Parenting is no different. We cut each other a lot of slack, and support each other when needed. We also still enjoy being a couple and try to put a focus on that every few months where it's just us for a weekend. Our kids are still young, and we love doing things with them, but we our whole world isn't just about them. They are a huge part of it, but our relationship and activities exists outside of them too.
5. What do you wish you had known...? Not about Dh- but other moms -- I wish I had know just how much everything little thing you do will be judged and scrutinized. It's taken some time to grown some thick skin, but I had no idea "motherhood" was most definitely not a "to each their own" thing.
I was in a similar boar to you. Actually when I married H I was terrified of the kids question because neither of us deeply wanted them and we could have gone either way. I was 25 at that time and he was 24, so we were young enough that I worried we might form strong opinions as we got older and that if we ended up on opposite sides of the fence it might end our marriage. Fortunately that didn't happen but we did sort of remain ambivalent about the decision.
1. What convinced you to make the jump?
We had friends with kids and we saw that their lives didn't change all that drastically. I was inspired by friends who became moms and new friends I made who had kids who basically continued with their lives as normal after having children. It made me less freaked out that kids would completely take over my life and make me miserable (lol). I also thought a lot about my life and what I wanted out of it in the long term. I eventually realized that all of my reasons not to have kids were extremely short term ones (sleep deprivation, having to hire babysitters to go out, less freedom to travel, all the time consuming and hands-on parts of having very small children) but that those things are only relevant for a few short years and then the kids get older and things normalize a little bit more. My reasons to have kids were all long-term ones: the fact that my kids will grow to be independent human beings with whom I will have a lifelong relationship. They will grow to be their own people. They will have their own ideas and opinions that they will share with me. I will learn from them. They will enrich and deepen my life in ways I cannot predict (and indeed they already have). We decided that we could deal with inconvenience and sleeplessness for a few years in exchange for the opportunity to form irreplaceable, unique, fulfilling and rewarding long term relationships with brand new people that we would otherwise never know. That is some pretty powerful shit.
2. What surprised you?
Hands down, 100%, having kids made ME a better person. I never expected that in my wildest dreams but in so many ways I am the person I am today BECAUSE of my kids. Realizing that I am a role model for two young impressionable minds that look up to me has really changed me. I am better in my relationship; I am kinder in disagreements and I am firmer with setting boundaries. I am infinitely more patient. I am way mellower and I have much less anxiety. Stuff just doesn't bother me as much anymore; I'm not so much of a perfectionist because I don't want to teach that to my girls, and because it's just not practical to be a perfectionist with kids. My kids have taught me to be more process-oriented and mindful, to enjoy the moment more. I have also picked up way more hobbies in an attempt to be a more well-rounded person and set an example for my kids. My biggest passion is probably yoga and I totally started doing that to get some time to myself away from DD1, but as a result I'm super fit now and I am modeling fitness for my kids.
3. How did your career change?
I was a freelance graphic designer and still am, but I work much less. If I hadn't had kids I would have probably grown my business and maybe even hired employees. I definitely have no plans to do that now. I am a combo freelancer/SAHM and only work about 10 hours a week. That's a personal choice though. I think I still COULD have continued on my career path (though it would have been more difficult), but once I had my children I realized it was more fulfilling for me to spend time with them during their youngest years. And now I am considering homeschooling which is basically a whole new job so I have had a big mentality change in terms of my career.
4. How did your relationship change?
I would say it's not as easy and effortless as it used to be. There are more issues to be contentious over, and the kids take up so much of our time that we really have to work more to make time for each other. We have to be conscientious about how we treat each other and really schedule things like quality time, date nights, even sex sometimes. That's not very glamorous but we have always made an effort to put our relationship first, and we usually do, and it pays dividends. It's as good as it ever was and in many ways it's deeper, because I love Mr. Page now not just as Mr. Page, but also as the father of my children, and again, that's some pretty powerful shit. But it definitely takes more actual work than it used to.
5. What do you wish you had known...?
I legit can't think of anything to say that I haven't already.
Good luck with your decision. I'd love to see you join us here but I also think having kids is totally not the right choice for everyone. My response is very positive about having kids because I think it was a great life choice for us, and I hope you are able to make the right choice for yourselves!
Also cheesy, but the best thing about having one almost 3 yo is the ability to see things through his eyes. Everything is new and so exciting to him.
Less fun is the fact that at 8pm tonight, I'll be coaxing him into pajamas and brushing his teeth. He'll whine about the way I pull his blanket up, and he'll ask to sleep with his pirate ship. Tomorrow night, we'll have the exact same conversation. That really does get old.
I was going to say that one thing that surprised me is how fun every age is and how I think "this age is the BEST age". Except 3. My 3 year old has me completely drained by 7:30pm every night.
When I was in my early 20s I said I would never have kids, then I was kind of meh about it but thought I maybe still wouldn't. When I married my H I told him I might not want kids, but I wasn't like "NEVER EVER I HATE KIDS" or anything
1. What convinced you to make the jump?
boredom? I don't know, our life was settled, we'd been married a few years, things were nice but I felt maybe something different would be fun
2. What surprised you?
the deep overpowering love I feel for my children. I still can't believe it. There are many, MANY moments when I find them to be so annoying, but just seeing them both at daycare pickup and having them run over and hug me, man there's nothing better. I never knew how much I'd like being a "mom".
it has also made me more social which surprised me. I was always kind of antisocial/shy and I'm still a bit, but now I'm much more likely to actually want to do activities and such with others than I was pre kids.
3. How did your career change?
it didn't really, I've never been super ambitious though. I took 12 weeks off for each kid. I've been at the same company for 8 years and I have had some advances/raises etc. so I'm not completely stagnant. I don't think the kids have anything to do with it really, more so my general personality. I'm not aiming for the top
4. How did your relationship change?
less sex, less time together alone. More snipping at each other (mostly the first year of each child-- my kids were bad sleepers until after they turned one). I am really proud of him though, he's a great dad. So my respect for him has grown.
5. What do you wish you had known...?
I don't know. The biggest negative for me is the fear. I have so much fear about things happening to them or me or h now, that I didn't really dwell on before. But I'm not sure I'd have wanted to know about this fear before I had kids! I've never been a particularly anxious person but fear of my children getting hurt/dying can be crippling if I let my mind dwell on it.
Also the expense is horrific. Daycare is so pricy and even after that there will be all sort of other child related stuff to eat up all our money.
But overall, yeah it's been good and I'm happy with our decisions.
We seriously thought about not having kids because life was so good, we were on track to retire really early, our relationship was great, we are not kid people, and we both like a lot of downtime. I really didn't look forward to having a baby or young kid, even when I was pregnant. I never had strong maternal feelings when holding babies, quite the opposite really.
1. Picturing our lives when we were old. We both saw ourselves as old people with a family, so we figured worst case scenario we'd have about 18 hard years, but hopefully 50+ as parents. We did it when we did because it was a good time for our jobs and I wasn't getting any younger. We also had major FOMO, and I know I would look back and regret not trying. 2. I love DS more than I could imagine. I would do anything for him. I'm glad I'm not missing out on feeling true unconditional love, because that's not something I have ever felt before this strongly. My heart just swells when I look at him. (ETA: I didn't feel quite like this right away, though. It took me some time to really fall in love and not just have the primal protective mom thing going on) 3. My career is pretty laid back, so it didn't change much. My team is very family friendly. 4. We bicker a lot more, but we bicker more efficiently now since we don't have all night to carry on like we used to. 5. I've been reading these boards a long time so I felt prepared for a lot of it, but I totally underestimated how the mental clutter would affect me. I used to be so on point and never forget stuff or make stupid errors. I have major mommy brain and I say/do dumb things a lot more often now.
I tend to think that if you are on the fence and spending a lot of time stressing and worrying about it, you should go for it. I think it's true what they say about people rarely regret things they do, but they often regret things they don't do.
If you were not someone who always knew you wanted to be a parent someday (but ended up becoming one...), I'd love to hear about how your experience has been... I am specifically interested in people who seriously considered staying child-free but ended up becoming a parent somehow (came around to it, accidents, etc.) Any thoughts on...
1. What convinced you to make the jump? My husband seriously wanted a child, I was not getting any younger and decided that it wouldn't be the end of the world to have a child. 2. What surprised you? Just how much I love being a mom, I thought I would hate being at someone else's beck and call, but it is the best thing ever! 3. How did your career change? It didn't, really. I may work more at home after bed time rather than staying late/going in early at the office, but I love my work and still give it my all. 4. How did your relationship change? We fought a lot during those sleep deprived months, like I thought we wouldn't make it, but it gets better, no grudges while sleep deprived! 5. What do you wish you had known...? Nothing comes to mind.
This thread is brought to you by some health issues that mean I need to get off the fence on this sooner rather than later... Would love to hear insights from others who ended up at Yes despite real doubts.
If you were not someone who always knew you wanted to be a parent someday (but ended up becoming one...), I'd love to hear about how your experience has been... I am specifically interested in people who seriously considered staying child-free but ended up becoming a parent somehow (came around to it, accidents, etc.) Any thoughts on...
1. What convinced you to make the jump?
I waffled back and forth. I always THOUGHT I wanted kids, but once I turned 30 and knew the time for them was near I started to really doubt myself. Honestly I doubted that I wanted a baby REALLY until I had an early m/c. Once I realized how BONDED I was to a 5 week old fetus I had know about for a week I realized the intense love I would feel for my child 2. What surprised you?
The way love builds. Like you are scared and nervous and tired at first when they are born, and all you can think is WTF did I do, and THEN one day you are doing something mundane like burping the baby at 3am and the LOVE is so overwhelming you can hardly breathe.
3. How did your career change?
I wanted a better and more flexible career for my family, I worked to make sure that happened
4. How did your relationship change?
Oh god, we stopped having time to be silly together, I find that laughing and silliness is what keeps us bonded and that once we let go of that it all goes to shit. Being able to laugh together and not just was DS is very important to us
5. What do you wish you had known...?
That it's impossible to even remember what life was like before
Post by NothingWrongwithOhio on Dec 2, 2015 16:42:39 GMT -5
1. What convinced you to make the jump? Oops! I was pregnant. 2. What surprised you? How much has managed to stay the same in our lives. I think the way things are done now, most parents change their lives to suit their kids. We managed to raise DD without changing our day to day life. Granted, we weren't going out clubbing or anything like that beforehand, but you get the idea. 3. How did your career change? Blargh. This is kinda complicated. I ended up having DD during a very busy time in my former industry. All of my accounts went to other people and other than my two biggest accounts, I ended up getting all the new ones which...just sucked. It definitely impacted what I did at work. We ended up moving to OH before I could quit, but I was heading that way. 4. How did your relationship change? It didn't. We got closer, if anything. I think it's very surprising that H and I agree on 95% of parenting decisions, theories, etc. considering we talked about it not at all before we had DD. But being on the same page there is HUGE. 5. What do you wish you had known...? Hmm. I don't know. The things I wish I had known have more to do with DD as an individual baby as opposed to things that could be applied across the board (that she would be fine with BFing AND a paci, that she'd have no problem transitioning from PnP to crib, out of her swaddle, from bottles to sippies to cups, etc. I wasted a lot of time looking into stuff like that and she just breezed on through. H made fun of me)
Before we met, DH never wanted kids. In fact, he wanted to have a vasectomy when he was around 18 or 20. I was never gung ho about kids and am not much of a kid person in general, but whenever I envisioned my future, kids seemed to be a part of that vision.
1. What convinced you to make the jump?
Though I was 32 when we got married, I delayed TTC, because I never felt quite ready. Well as my mom likes to put it, DD got tired of waiting for us to be ready; my pregnancy was a surprise first anniversary gift to the both of us.
2. What surprised you?
How absolutely in love I would be with DD. She is so sweet and fun, and surprises us every day. She brings so much joy into our lives. When I'm away from her, I miss her so much. I literally racewalk into daycare to pick her up and see her sweet face at the end of the day.
3. How did your career change?
It didn't, for about a year and a half. Then a few months after I found out I was pregnant with our second, my company totally restructured and I was laid off. We were also in the process of looking for a home in a town 2 hours away from where we are now, so I've been unemployed for a few months; we will be closing on our home in about a month, and I figure I'll probably start looking for a job sometime in the spring after a few months home with the new baby.
4. How did your relationship change?
Surprisingly, it hasn't changed very much. We make a great team, and so far we seem to agree on most decisions/parenting styles when it comes to DD. We don't have sex as often as we used to, but we're both ok with that for now because we're tired and see it as a short term issue that will resolve itself when the kids are a little older. My one gripe is that we don't really make much time for us, and we've only had about 3 date nights since DD was born (she's 21 months old). DH sees this as another shorter term issue and is ok with it, but I think we need to make it more of a priority to spend more time together as a couple. Once we move into our new home I plan to start having at least some nice at home date nights, sitting in the yard or by the fire with a glass of wine and talk or play a game, instead of sitting in our cramped apartment zoned out in front of the tv.
5. What do you wish you had known...?
To get DD's tongue tie taken care of the moment the pedi recognized it. She kind of downplayed it and suggested a wait and see approach, but breastfeeding was SOOOO hard and painful for the first month or so, and even after having the tongue tie corrected, it took another 2-3 months before DD could really latch properly and it was no longer painful.
Post by sillygoosegirl on Dec 2, 2015 16:53:18 GMT -5
1. What convinced you to make the jump? DH did deeply want kids, and there wasn't really any reason to keep putting it off. 2. What surprised you? Lots of things, but especially how excited everyone in the world was about it... except me. And of course getting asked 50 billion times per day about how excited I must be only made me feel more nervous, more unsure, and less excited. 3. How did your career change? I now do the same thing I did before, only 60% time (3 days per week). I probably would have wanted to switch to this schedule even without kids, though having a baby made it somewhat easier to understand for my employer. I imagine this will translate into fewer opportunities in the future, but don't especially care. 4. How did your relationship change? We spend a lot less time doing grown up stuff, but mostly I feel like our relationship is the same. 5. What do you wish you had known...? That my child would be born with a dairy intolerance. The many ways in which newborns are actually easy compared with toddlers (like travel). All the stuff I finally read in Ferber's book when my baby was 8 months old. When and where the local babywearing and EC meetups were. How much less my parents would actually offer to babysit than they said they were going to, and how much more I would prefer leaving my baby with them compared with a relative stranger.
Post by steamboat185 on Dec 2, 2015 16:57:39 GMT -5
1. We had an oops. 2. How hard it's been. Everyone tells you it's hard, but it is really hard. 3. I changed departments. Juggling work and kids is very hard someday . We just tried swim class one night a week for a few weeks and it was a disaster. DH pulls his weight with DD I can't imagine how hard it would be if he didn't help 4. Somedays it's way better others it is worse.
I had always planned to have children but never really felt ready or enthused by the actual "let's change our lives and have a kid NOW" part.
1. What convinced you to make the jump? We got to the point where we felt like we would be okay with giving up some of the things we had been doing (mainly traveling) and were ready to move on to the next thing. I can't say we were all "OMG, let's have a baby!!!11! because we definitely were not, we just got to where we were open to the idea and decided to go for it.
2. What surprised you? It is all consuming but I do think in many ways it's changed me for the better. I'm better at managing my time now.
3. How did your career change? I left to SAH. I was a teacher, though, so it's not the career killer that it is in other areas.
4. How did your relationship change? I had PPD and DH was really wonderful through it all. I didn't necessarily think so at the time but he truly was. I think it's made us a stronger team. I do feel like we are more settled into our relationship but in a good way.
5. What do you wish you had known...? That it is SO HARD in the beginning but it gets so much better. That when people say that you can't understand the love you will feel for your child until you have one are right, cheesy though it is. That the good parts ultimately outweigh the hard parts.
It's not for everyone and there is nothing wrong with being childfree. It is all consuming to have kids, at least for a good chunk of time. That said, don't feel like you have to be baby crazy to be a good parent and enjoy parenting. I've never been a baby person and I'm still not. Luckily they are only babies for a very short time!
I never has a desire to have kids. I was pretty take it, or leave it on the concept. Like I figured I'd just go with the flow in whatever my eventual husband wanted. And he wanted kids. Once I was pregnant I was terrified I'd ruined my life.
Now I remember the old days when I thought babies were the ugliest, most disgusting things. I could never understand why the kid clips on America's Funniest Home Videos always won over animals.
Well, now I get it, and I watch videos of babies laughing on YouTube for entertainment.
1. I knew DH really wanted them, we were in a good place financially, wanted to buy a house soon, and knew we weren't getting any younger. I was 32, DH was 43. I figured if the baby-fever urge was gonna hit it would've already, so there was no use continuing to wait for it.
2. That I'd find toddlerhood way more challenging than infancy. Also how much I feel a loss of 'self' now that I feel like I have no any time/energy for my former hobbies and interests. "Mom" is not really an identity I embrace. Watching my kid grow and develop is cool, but day-to-day it's still more drudgery than personal fulfillment.
3. It hasn't. Though if I ever changed jobs I'd no longer consider places with a farther commute.
4. It hasn't changed that much, though I do feel like we don't focus on each other as much as we used to and as much as we'd like.
5. How much more drained I'd be. I feel like I've aged 10 years, partly because of the physical changes to my body, but also the drastic increase in amount of housework and overall mental/emotional clutter. I'm an introvert, and the lack of me-time and true decompression affects my mood far more than I could have anticipated.
None of this paints the rosiest picture. I love my kid, I don't regret having him, I know it will get easier when we're out of the thick of the toddler years, but it's just not in my personality to be all "OMG, I'm obsessed with my kid, my lyfe is so complete now <3<3<3". I know if we hadn't had kids part of me would always think "what if", but I am more confident now that I would've been plenty happy without them.
Wow. I could have written this. Except some minor details, this is pretty much how I feel (glad to know I'm not alone). I'm glad I have a child, but I think I would have been happy without one.
]1. What convinced you to make the jump? 2. What surprised you? 3. How did your career change? 4. How did your relationship change? 5. What do you wish you had known...?
We definitely thought we would be happy without kids but when I turned 30 I thought seriously about having them. I got pregnant about 8 months later (a couple of months before we planned to TTC, oops).
1) I just couldn't envision us being childless into our senior years. That sealed the deal for me.
2) That all the not-so-fun stuff about babies is quickly forgotten. I remember the newborn days sucking but I have amnesia about it now. This is why many people end up having more than one lol.
3) It got better! I always knew I would be a working mother and now I'm in a great position (since March) that was a huge jump in my profession. People are often surprised when they learn what I do in light of the fact that I have a 2-year-old.
4) This one is tough. DH and I are still in love and are happy but having a kid means less time for the two of us. And the workdays can get monotonous. We have to make a bigger effort to just spend time together and we aim to do that as often as we can (besides after DD's bedtime).
5) Once I became a parent I understood why parents of babies talk about poop and other crazy things.
DH was very ambivalent to the idea of kids. We had a wonderful, fabulous, busy life pre-kids. We both have intense careers (in different ways) and neither of us really want to step back or slow down or SAH.
My biggest fear about having DD was that I would experience some sort of personality transfusion and become this crazy, neurotic, boring, homebody helicopter mom. I would obsess over these types of parents and wonder what they were like pre-kids. Were they always that way? Or did something about having a baby make them that way? I was seriously so terrified.
But you know what, I am still me! YAY! You will be the kind of mom as you are kind of person. And as many have mentioned, it changes you in many ways for the better.
I still do all the things I did before- some in different ways or whatever- but I still focus on the things that matter to me. I sleep less, but am generally not sleep deprived. DH loves sleeping in, so I let him do so on the weekends, because that is important to him. I have monthly standing dinners with girlfriends, read books, do trips & overnights with DH (both with and without DD) and/or friends, volunteer, am very active in our church, travel for work, whatever. It took me a while to figure out how to work out again, but I bought an elliptical and wake up even earlier and do it that way at home while watching trashy TV shows. Whatever works.
There are hard aspects of it, of course, but I didn't expect it to be easy so that didn't really throw me.
I have a personality that is extremely good at multitasking and I thrive on a busy calendar & keeping lots of plates in the air. That is hugely helpful. Not everyone does. I am typing this from a hotel room in Boston lol. It also helps that I almost never feel "mom guilt". I am very confident that we are making the right decisions for our family, and I don't spend time worrying about what might have been or what could have been or what ifs. DD is thriving in daycare. My career is thriving. DH's business is booming. We each get several of hours of time with DD daily, and that is enough for me right now.
We have local family which is a huge help. We left her overnight for the first time when she was 6 weeks old. Her grandparents see her weekly.
Also, honestly, the money helps everything. I outsource almost every single thing around the house that I don't enjoy. Grocery delivery, weekly cleaners (she does laundry), yard work, Amazon prime, etc. I refuse to nag and fight with DH over chores anymore. Life is too short and I just have to pick my battles.
I love DH more than ever before. Seeing him fall in love with DD (when he wasn't sure he ever wanted kids) has been too special for me to put into words. I will admit that we do definitely have sex less frequently, but DD sleeps 12 hours a night so I'm not sure I can blame her.
We definitely want more kids, and I know that will continue to shift life, but I'm excited to see what the future holds.
FWIW, I think you would be an absolutely phenomenal parent. But of course, this is an insanely personal life choice, and I like to think I am one who would have found ways to be happy and fulfilled either way.
I'm just going to respond to this part. Maybe because you've already figured out how to outsource a lot of stuff this won't be as big a deal, but to expand on what I've been experiencing -- adding a third person to your life just, for me, seemed to exponentially increase the to-do list and the things you have to constantly keep track of/plan for mentally. DH and I actually split things fairly evenly, and I still feel resentful, because we can do 50-50, but there's still 150% to do. Because even though he's doing bedtime and bath time tonight, I'm not getting a break, I'm cleaning up dinner and running the vacuum (didn't I just do that last weekend, why is it already time to do it again? Oh right, because this little person gets things messy daily and I let it slide last night because I was trying to finish up something for work after kid went to bed).
Because on Friday night I'm already spinning my mental wheels thinking what's the weather going to be this weekend and will taking DS to Target be enough to occupy him between breakfast and lunch on Saturday or do I need to plan to go to the park with the train slide (again *yawn*). And do we have enough milk for the weekend or do I need to find some time to go to the store. And it's close to Christmas so what gifts to I need to pick up for the daycare teachers. All the things that are not and will never be on DH's radar and that I can't relax until they're taken care of and space is made in my brain.
No I don't think we have solved it, and it's probably my #1 reservation. There is only so much that can be outsourced, and I know with certainty that DH can never be trained to think of these things that need to be thought of--that is still my job now, and it's really hard to do traveling as much as I do for work. A child would make it infinitely worse. There is only so much that can be task-rabbited or amazon primed, and we may already be bumping up against that boundary.
fortnightlily : I can't agree with you more. I think that is what surprised me the most. I feel like I never get a break. There is always a huge to do list and I feel like I can never rest or decompress anymore. And I don't feel like H has the same pressure or feels the same mental exhaustion that I do. Even when he takes her and I get a break I either end up doing house work or I feel guilty about not doing it. And H doesn't get it. He thinks he deserves a medal for taking her off my hands for an hour. I'd say that's the biggest issue in our relationship lately, i have a lot of resentment about how much easier I feel like his life is. Or not really easier, I guess, but how much less he's had to sacrifice and adjust to having a baby. It just isn't fair.
Note: he's a great dad and I love him, but we are still adjusting, in case you can't tell. Even though we talked about this a lot before we TTC. I specifically told him I didn't want to have a baby if it meant I'd be the default parent. Oh well.
2) That all the not-so-fun stuff about babies is quickly forgotten. I remember the newborn days sucking but I have amnesia about it now. This is why many people end up having more than one lol.
Post by fortnightlily on Dec 2, 2015 19:40:57 GMT -5
I feel like people are gonna read my posts and feel sorry for my kid that I'm such a miserable mother, ha. I promise I am very loving toward my kid and we have fun together and I don't regret or resent him in the least.
I'm just trying to give the perspective of those who don't feel like they're totally 'wired' for motherhood, or just struggle with certain aspects and don't find parenthood the end-all-be-all, which is ok whether you decide to have kids or not.
Thanks you guys - this is a great thread and please keep it coming. On the medical stuff--it will be fine, but I have terrible fibroids that are causing me a lot of issues (and very likely making me infertile right at the moment) - I'm going to get that taken care of surgically, but then medical advice will be to get any pregnancies done quickly so I can have a hysterectomy or some other more permanent solution--because they will more than likely grow back and be a long-term problem. I'm 34 at the moment and will likely be 35 by the time I can get my issues fixed and be cleared to TTC hypothetically. If we don't want kids, knowing that just lets me do more aggressive treatments sooner.
My thinking, stream of consciousness-style:
-We have our shit together - good jobs, house, money, there's no logistical reason not to. Of course that means we have a fun life now with travel and restaurants and whatnot. -We have a very solid relationship and partnership. Our only fights have been around division of responsibility (me having way too much of it) - we're in a good place now with it, but we outsource a ton of stuff. My mom was a married single parent because of my dad's job, and I would never want that life. And I know DH has those tendencies which gives me major pause. He's gotten somewhat better, but if push came to shove and someone had to skip work to deal with a sick kid--right now I think that person would be me. -Two demanding jobs, both of which we love, both of us are wired to be workaholics. -Family is 3000 miles away--although so are both our jobs, so if we wanted to move closer to them, it would be easy to do so. Higher COL though (which is crazy comparing to DC). -I need my sleep and I am not a patient person. Newborn stage looks impossible to me. I have a 3yo nephew and he's fairly fabulous. -All our friends are having kids -Will we get bored with this version of life? -Would having a kid make us more connected to others/community and/or grow as people -At the same time, do I want to be connected to communities of hovering super-parents who have their kids in 15 activities and are doing SAT prep at age 5? I suspect that is who we are surrounded by here (and would be in CA too). -A vague sense that I would like to be about more than just my work. -My mother would die of happiness -A human we raised would generally be a good human I think. Probably chubby, definitely smart. But good.
yeah, that's what I've got.
I think you would reproduce a fabulous little human, so there's that. But I will try to give it to you straight. I think you are right to question how it would affect your careers since you are both such dedicated workers. It's different when only 1 partner has a great career. My kids go to bed at 7pm (common time for their age) so they need to be fed before that which means dinner needs to get cooked before 6pm. That's tough for 2 working parents. It's why parents have zero time during the week to do anything. My DH sees my kids for about 5 min/day during the work week. If I had the same schedule i would be very stressed out because it would kill me to hardly see my kids. Recently I had a work schedule of 9-3 and then worked after they went to bed (past midnight) and I can't even explain the level of exhaustion I felt. It would be impossible for me to do that long term. Hopefully you don't need to work that much, just trying to address alternative work schedules.
Then your kid will eventually want to join some kind of activity so there goes your weekend too. It doesn't take 15 activities. Just 1 is enough. Oh I'm so tired, I just want to sleep in for 1 saturday. Nope, Jr. has soccer. Or the flu. Or a birthday party and even though you hate those you feel like you have to go bc that's his best friend... Blah blah blah. Even on days where nothing is scheduled you will get pestered all day long for this or that. Being a super mommy hoverer- or surrounded by those types - is terrible. So I'll just assume that's not going to be you. But realistically things will come up and affect your free time.
That said, a lot of the stress comes from the fact that you WANT to see your kid and do fun things with him/her. Balancing what you want to do with everything you HAVE to do is really hard. I think it's worth it because I love my kids more than anyone or anything in the universe, by far. They change everything though, I won't lie. They will torture you in one minute, and the next you want to cry because you feel like you failed them, and 5 min later they hug you and tell you they love you and your heart turns to mush and you wonder how you ever got this lucky. It's a total mindfuck. That's parenting in a nutshell.
Either way you can be happy and complete as a person because there are pluses and minuses to both decisions. Best of luck to you!!