If you didn't deeply want kids, but ended up having them...

[y4m]

Hello MMM friends!  

If you were not someone who always knew you wanted to be a parent someday (but ended up becoming one...), I'd love to hear about how your experience has been...  I am specifically interested in people who seriously considered staying child-free but ended up becoming a parent somehow (came around to it, accidents, etc.)  Any thoughts on...

1. What convinced you to make the jump?
2. What surprised you?
3. How did your career change?
4. How did your relationship change?
5. What do you wish you had known...?

This thread is brought to you by some health issues that mean I need to get off the fence on this sooner rather than later...  Would love to hear insights from others who ended up at Yes despite real doubts.

[Deleted]

All I can tell you is that most people have SOME doubts. Those with no reservations about parenthood are the weird ones, not the ones that sort of question if changing your whole life is a bit crazy.

Still, generally, people who do it find it worthwhile.

[Deleted]

Good luck! I hope you are able to make a decision soon but sometimes I doubt mine so don't expect to ever feel *totally* one way or the other IMHO.

[Deleted]

This was me, entirely. I was never sure I'd be a mom, and I'm glad I am.

1. What convinced you to make the jump?
It just felt like it was what was next, it sounds odd to say, but we'd been married a while and I looked at our future and besides living well, I wasn't sure of our purpose. It sounds like I'm using a child to fill a hole, but instead, it's a wonderful and rewarding challenge that we wanted, plus we knew we'd have a kick-ass kid.
2. What surprised you?
Honestly, it's both how much life has change and how well we've been able to incorporate her into our lives. Things take longer to plan/execute, but we still do mostly the same things.
3. How did your career change?
I'm more protective of my time-off and I NEVER think about work after I leave work. 
4. How did your relationship change?
It's been a challenge to be intimate (mentally and physically), but some of that is unrelated to the baby-thing (my job changed during mat leave and as a result we no longer car-pool, which was 1h/day we could spend talking and we don't have that now, and we're struggling to communicate ENOUGH). Physically I don't like my post-baby body and it results in low sex-drive. I'm working on it.
5. What do you wish you had known...?
How much different your love for your child is than any other love you've experienced. It's breathtaking. If you're on the fence, you don't want to miss out on this.

[noodleoo]

I'm too soon into it to really answer your questions yet as DD is only 6 months old. But I can say that I love my DD SO much. She's so adorable, funny, sweet and it amazes me that even at 6 months old I can see me in her. I love that and I'm excited to see what her personality will be as she grows.

However, I can also say that a part of me is still really missing my old life. Being a mom is HARD. Really hard. And though I really thought H and I would share the burden equally, somehow it still ends up feeling like she is mostly my responsibility. I'm currently staying home and BFing, so I think that makes it worse, but even if I wasn't I can tell I'd still be the default parent. And it is exhausting. I honestly cannot wait for her to be 1 year so I can quit BFing and actually get away for a weekend. I might not come back. Haha, just kidding... Sort of.

I know I will never regret being a mom. I know I will love her for the rest of my life. But damn, being a parent is a lot of work.

[bbonanza]

Dec 2, 2015 13:48:38 GMT -5 y4m said:

Hello MMM friends!  

If you were not someone who always knew you wanted to be a parent someday (but ended up becoming one...), I'd love to hear about how your experience has been...  I am specifically interested in people who seriously considered staying child-free but ended up becoming a parent somehow (came around to it, accidents, etc.)  Any thoughts on...

1. What convinced you to make the jump?
2. What surprised you?
3. How did your career change?
4. How did your relationship change?
5. What do you wish you had known...?

This thread is brought to you by some health issues that mean I need to get off the fence on this sooner rather than later...  Would love to hear insights from others who ended up at Yes despite real doubts.

When I was in high school, I declared I would never get married and never have kids. . . I was not a kid person, did not babysit, and babies did not interest me.  I just didn't want to have a marriage like my parents, really. When I was in college, still felt the same way, even when I first started dating DH.  After college, when I moved home and was seeing DH long distance, I had to make what turned out to be a very very hard decision for me (surprisingly even though I had thought I knew what I wanted).  And then I found out a few weeks later my OS was pregnant with my oldest niece.  About that time is when I came to the realization that I did want to get married and I did want children, and most especially with DH after everything we had already been through.

1. What convinced you to make the jump? See above
2. What surprised you?  Just how much I have enjoyed being my girls mother, they amaze me and I wonder out loud if my parents ever felt that way about us growing up (never felt that way).  My heart bursts at times just thinking of them - so cheesy, I know.  And that they are a part of me and DH. 
3. How did your career change?  I don't really have a career, I've held a job since graduating, but once having a family, it became more important to have the job in order to have benefits and provide for our girls. 
4. How did your relationship change?  DH and I definitely became closer in a sense, but our physical intimacy diminished, and after DD3 and having PPD, I'm sure DH would've divorced me if I hadn't finally gotten help.  We're better now, though our arguments tend to be more about parenting issues than anything else.
5. What do you wish you had known...?  Just how bad PPD could be at times and that getting help sooner rather than later may have made a big difference with my relationship with DH and with DD1 and DD2.

[shoeless]

I'll bite on the first part of your question. I was never convinced I wanted kids, and I certainly didn't want them 'right now'. It wasn't until genetic children were no longer an option for me that I realized I really did want children (donor egg or adopted). (It really sunk in that I wanted children when I started bawling after my BF told me she was pregnant.)

When we started pursuing donor eggs I still wasn't at the 'right now' point, but given that it was now or never for me I just jumped. I don't think I am the type of person who would have ever been at the 'I want kids now' point. While I don't enjoy pregnancy I have absolutely no regrets so far.

[jenn248]

1. What convinced you to make the jump? DH decided he wanted kids.  Also, my sister had twins and they were the first babies I really spent a lot of time with, which made me think, "hey, this wouldn't be so bad."  So we decided to give TTC a try, with the agreement that we wouldn't go to extreme measures (no infertility treatments) if it didn't work out.

2. What surprised you?  How much I enjoy having kids... And that aside from not traveling or going out to dinner as much, I'm generally okay with the way life has changed.  Maybe I would have felt differently if I'd had kids at a younger age, but at 35, I really don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by staying home on Friday nights.

3. How did your career change?  Hard to say.  I think there were some opportunities (which would have required long hours) that I might have pursued without kids, but who knows if I would have been selected.  I do make an effort to leave on time now, rather than staying late.

4. How did your relationship change?  We are definitely more irritable with each other now.  Our parenting styles are pretty similar, but DD1 is...spirited, and the stress of dealing with her spills over some days.  I think I'm also less affectionate as well; after having two kids hanging on me, some days I am just touched out.  We definitely don't have sex as often as we used to, either; by the time the kids are in bed, I am beat.

5. What do you wish you had known...?  Hmm... will have to get back to you on this one.  Maybe all of the things that pregnancy/having a baby/nursing does to your body?  My poor boobs and vag will never be the same (not that knowing those things would have stopped me, necessarily, but it sure is a bummer).

[robyn]

Our doubts were mostly financial, social and work related. Financially, we've just made it work. We aren't sending her to a private all organic, baby yoga teaching daycare, but we have a great in-home provider who we love. We buy almost everything we can used (toys, clothes, shoes, gear (not carseats though), and our eating out and entertainment budget has naturally decreased because we aren't going out all the time like we did pre-kid which puts money there for daycare and diapers.

Socially, it's been hard. DH and I are both extremely social and used to spend every weekend packed with events with friends and family. That has decreased quite a bit (More for me than him), and it's really really hard. In the last few months since she's turned one I've tried harder to reach out to friends and schedule things. I miss going out with DH and just doing whatever the hell we want all day, taking a nap at 5pm, and meeting friends for drinks at 10. But we've adjusted. Our friends have adjusted, and as she's getting older we are able to use sitters more.

I was worried work wise because I work for a small company and am not protected by FMLA. I pushed hard to get AFLAC through the company so I would have short term disability, and had a really frank discussion with my boss before getting pregnant and he made the assurances I needed and kept his word. He's also been pretty good about me needing time off for DD's doctor appointments. Luckily DH and I have been able to split time when she's been sick.

It really comes down to the fact that it's a personal decision. I think I always wanted kids, but in my 20's I enjoyed my kid-free lifestyle and marriage. Now in my 30's I love having DD and wouldn't trade it for the world. And I'm so glad we ended up at yes. Good luck with your decision!

[beachdweller]

Both me and my DH were on the fense for for a long time, ended up getting pregnant when we were loose with birth control ONE night and both love being parents now; we've since had a second kid and are contemplating a third:

1. What convinced you to make the jump? My first pregnancy was not "planned", but once we found out we were pregnant, we adjusted pretty quickly. I found the pro/con list I made when trying to make the decision; all of the cons were objective and somewhat quantifiable: costs lots of time, money, couple time, at least some impact to career. The pros were subjective: love of a child, raising a child with a partner you love, etc. If I had not had the unplanned pregnancy, I don't know if I ever would have gotten there logically (I am a type A, analyzer type). I'm so glad I had my kids; the subjective has been so great for me. I adore them and can't imagine my life without them.
2. What surprised you? I didn't have that "instant" bond with my first; it took me a few months to really fall in love with her. That is so shocking to me now; I absolutely adored her. I'm shocked I am thinking about a third considering I wasn't sure about one.
3. How did your career change? I was a big firm lawyer in a pretty specialized practice area when I had my first. I worked really, really hard my first 8 years in practice and found that too much after materinity leave. I ended up going in-house and taking a huge pay cut, but 2 years in got a promotion and now make more than I did when I left my law firm. I think a 40-45 hour a week job is totally manageable with small kids, especially with a supportive partner and the ability to throw money at things to make life easier; I think a 60+ hour work week with small kids would be really tough.
4. How did your relationship change? Less sex for sure. Other that that, I think our marriage is stronger after kids. We still travel (we have grandparents close by that can help on occasion) and do date nights 2-3 times per month. We've made keeping our relationship in a good place a priority and we have been able to do that even with kids.
5. What do you wish you had known...? I wish I would have known how much I enjoy being a parent so I would have started a little sooner; I had my first a 33 and my second at 35. Now looking at a 3rd, starting over with an infant at 38 seems daunting!

Best of luck to you as you make the decision. I will say, although I can't imagine my life without them now, had I never had kids I think I still would have been happy. Being able to travel more easily, having time for hobbies, having more time for my husband etc. would be great.


Read more: pandce.proboards.com/thread/496956/deeply-kids-having#ixzz3tBvn9bI6

[hermione]

1. What convinced you to make the jump? I was getting old. It was pretty much a now or never thing in my mind. I was on the fence leaning toward yes and my H was very firmly on the yes side. Ultimately, I really wanted to give him a child.

2. What surprised you? How much I love being a mom. It sounds stupid and even cliche but I really believe I was meant to have this child at this time. She's the best thing I have ever done.

3. How did your career change? I've had some career issues this year but they have nothing to do with having a kid. I'm in a female dominated field though so having a child is a common occurrence.

4. How did your relationship change? Well, we go to the movies far less often. We can't wake up on a Saturday and decide to go out of town that day (at least not as easily as we did before). Honestly, the first year was tough and is kind of a blur for me but 2.5 years in I'd say our relationship is as great as it was before.

5. What do you wish you had known...? I don't have an answer to this. I can't imagine life without my daughter so I can't think of anything I wish I had been warned about.

[glauren]

1. What convinced you to make the jump? My H always knew he wanted to be a father, we were financially stable, it just seemed like we might as well I guess? We didn't have a super easy time getting pregnant, so I focused on that part of it for a while rather than the whole baby thing.
2. What surprised you? How much I am obsessed with my kid. Obsessed. Like, he is - hands down - the cutest, most hilarious, fun, entertaining human ever. I want to spend all my time with him. 
3. How did your career change? I have a fairly demanding job, and that hasn't changed - but I don't stick around the office for hours and hours every single night anymore; I have to plan that now. I also don't go in to work every weekend. I am the same, if not better, at my job than I was before becoming a mom - working smarter and not harder, and all that.
4. How did your relationship change? In a nutshell, H isn't my #1 anymore. I am not saying this as a bad thing, I love him dearly and would do anything for him - but our kid comes first. For both of us!
5. What do you wish you had known...? I thought that since I wasn't really into having kids, that a) I somehow wouldn't be a good mom/was missing a maternal gene; and/or b) that I would start liking other kids - neither of those is true. I find mothering to come fairly easily (of course I still have my WTF do I do moments!), and other people's kids are still not my favorite.

GL to you!

[Deleted]

I always thought I would have kids just because people do but I didnt really find the need to be a parent. I would have gone on forever probably happily without them. So I am answering.
1. What convinced you to make the jump? I was older and had a bucket list of things i decided to do and then we just had them. We wanted to do some traveling and be a certain amount settled.
2. What surprised you? I thought my life would change drastically. And to be truthful that having kids would suck. And then eventually get better as they got older (and went to college). Its been super easy. Yes I have hard days and moments but its nothing like what i anticipated. When they are yours you dont mind the poop and the crying. They are incredibly funny and bring such joy to your life.
3. How did your career change?I had my kids late in life. The first I was 32 and the second I will be 35. Truthgully coming back from the first was crazy. I wanted to be promoted and they wouldnt do it before i had her and they still wouldnt after. So I left. Part of that was my crazy hormones and probably 80% of it was the job sucked. So now I am in management and its going more smoothly. I still may leave after I have the second. I only took 3 months off with the first so I didnt really hurt my position. Im taking 4 months with the second. I did find a job that was semi flexible with the fact I am a parent. I dont work long hours. I do only occasional travel but I have a spouse with a similar setup so the dual flexibility helps.
4. How did your relationship change?Ugh!!!!! We are not in the best place now. Its not because of our first. Its because having a second is hard. Im a bitch and just sometimes hate him. We are strong enought though that we will make it through. I just consider this the low period. And it just started. Our daughter is almost 3.
5. What do you wish you had known...?Its not that bad. At all. I miss being childless sometimes but its not that often. I wouldnt trade it for the world.

But Im terrified of having the second. Just because they will outnumber me.

[justjen]

JOIN US.

::hugs::

[kittycatlove]

I had always said I didn't want kids from as long as I can remember.  Then I had a twinge of maybe, but was in my mid-30's and still single.


1. What convinced you to make the jump? I met DH, and I knew we could do this well together.
2. What surprised you? How much I love being a mom, DS makes me smile every single day.
3. How did your career change? No change
4. How did your relationship change? We fought a lot in the beginning when DS was a newborn,  but once we got into the groove it improved.  Other than that not much has changed.  We still do everything we did before we had DS, we just take him with us Especially now that he's 4.5.
5. What do you wish you had known...?  How fulfilling it has been for me. When we decided to do this we said we would be OAD,  but I really wish we could have had at least one more.

[teatimefor2]

I've always wanted children, but my DH didn't. It was a deal breaker for me. I actually remember on our sixth date he said "any women who wants children shouldn't be dating me, I will never have kids." My heart sunk and I really considered life without kids, but I couldn't see it for me. Six months later, when we were driving home from dinner he said to me "I don't just want children, but I want children with you." He stands by that statement today. We have two planned children today.

His concerns were money, career, life-enjoyment impact (travel, electronics, etc). With a three and one year old, life is crazy. We have less sex, travel less, shop less for extras, but we laugh a lot, are very happy and love our children. They bring us so much joy. I can't wait for them to be a little bit older so we can do things with them as opposed to for them.

It is a difficult decision. Even though I wanted kids, it was still hard for me to start actively trying. Hugs. Good luck with your decision.

[fortnightlily]

My DS is 2.

1.  I knew DH really wanted them, we were in a good place financially, wanted to buy a house soon, and knew we weren't getting any younger.  I was 32, DH was 43.  I figured if the baby-fever urge was gonna hit it would've already, so there was no use continuing to wait for it.

2.  That I'd find toddlerhood way more challenging than infancy.  Also how much I feel a loss of 'self' now that I feel like I have no any time/energy for my former hobbies and interests.  "Mom" is not really an identity I embrace.  Watching my kid grow and develop is cool, but day-to-day it's still more drudgery than personal fulfillment.   

3.  It hasn't.  Though if I ever changed jobs I'd no longer consider places with a farther commute.

4.  It hasn't changed that much, though I do feel like we don't focus on each other as much as we used to and as much as we'd like.  

5. How much more drained I'd be. I feel like I've aged 10 years, partly because of the physical changes to my body, but also the drastic increase in  amount of housework and overall mental/emotional clutter.  I'm an introvert, and the lack of me-time and true decompression affects my mood far more than I could have anticipated.

None of this paints the rosiest picture.  I love my kid, I don't regret having him, I know it will get easier when we're out of the thick of the toddler years, but it's just not in my personality to be all "OMG, I'm obsessed with my kid, my lyfe is so complete now <3<3<3".  I know if we hadn't had kids part of me would always think "what if", but I am more confident now that I would've been plenty happy without them.

[magpie]

1. What convinced you to make the jump?
We had so much fun while we were dating/married before kids. We traveled all over had crazy adventures and just had an awesome life. We decided to move from San Francisco to a smaller city, in part for H's career, though because we wanted to settle down a bit. We bought a house and enjoyed a quieter life, but still weren't 100% sure on kids (we loved our freedom). After a couple of years, I just sort of felt ready for a new kind of adventure and challenge. I gave up some freedom for that, yes, but I definitely gained much more overall.

2. What surprised you?
How well a kid fit into our lives. How, after the horrible newborn times, we were still able to retain some sense of ourselves.

3. How did your career change?
It didn't. I have the a pretty lazy job though. I think my H, who has a more challenging career, has had to work harder on maintaining work/life balance.

4. How did your relationship change?
I think having a kid made us a stronger couple.

5. What do you wish you had known...?
That having a kid didn't mean the end of me/life as I knew it completely

[CloudBee]

I will answer for my husband, because he was closer to the no bench than the yes.


1. What convinced you to make the jump?
- He had a baby for me, and because he was worried about having regrets when he got older and it would be too late.

2. What surprised you?
- How someone who doesn't generally love kids or feel comfortable around other people's kids, can be very affectionate and hands on with his own.

3. How did your career change?
- No major changes. He's taken on more responsibility. Family life hasn't impacted work life, with the exception of saving a few of his vacation days for possible sick day usage when I was still working. (Now I stay at home.)

4. How did your relationship change?
- I think we're honestly more in love. Babies can make a marriage more difficult - but as you navigate through it together... becoming parents, and all... I think we strengthen your bond as husband and wife.

5. What do you wish you had known...?
- They are easier to travel with as infants than toddlers. Should have gone to better vacation destinations when he was a baby. They can nap on the go and don't want to get up and walk on a plane, because they can't.

DH admits he is really happy we had a baby and that he's been able to experience fatherhood. He says he couldn't imagine life without DS now that he's here - and that he's made life more enjoyable, even if parenting takes effort! 

[Alyssa]

I was never a kid person, even as a teen I didn't like babysitting.  Kids just made me feel uneasy, I couldn't gauge them and didn't know how to relax and talk with them besides just saying, "hello"

At around age 28 my husband and I went on a camping trip and a friend of a friend brought their 4 month old for the weekend.  Something in me was triggered and after that the clock started ticking.  Suddenly having a baby was all I could think about.

I now have a 6 year old and a 3 year old who I couldn't imagine life without.  I love my kids and would die for them BUT I still don't feel like a "natural" when it comes to being a mom.  I feel like I struggle with having patience with them and I often doubt myself as being a good mom to them. 

[dellabear]

1. DH always wanted kids. I wasn't so sure. But we have very small families and at the time, nobody in our generation had kids and it seemed doubtful that they would. I looked into the future and thought about having no kids in our family, ever. Christmas with no kids. Never having grandkids. It wasn't what I wanted. I didn't really want a baby or a small child but you have to start there to have an older kid or adult children, grandkids...

2. How much I loved having a baby and later, a toddler. Sure there were hard times but I definitely consider DDs first year to be the best year of my life, so far.

3. I have changed careers but that's more related to who I am and what I want than it is to being a parent. Although I definitely appreciate and looked for family friendly policies and workplace flexibility when I was job searching.

4. I think our relationship is better overall but definitely less sex and less time for "us" than before. We do try to prioritize our relationship though, and we still plan date nights and have gone on shorts holidays without DD. It helps that we can afford to hire help (childcare and housecleaning) and that my mom has been willing to fly out and take care of her if we want to go away.

5. I don't know if there's anything I'd wish I'd known.

[fortnightlily]

Dec 2, 2015 14:56:50 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

fortnightlily - any chance you could get more help watching the kid? I can see myself 100% agreeing with you if it were not for all the grandparent help we get. It allows me more down time, more time for hobbies, etc. It helps that my H and I both have regular hours, too.

Well, I'm at the tail end of a few months of doing more primary parenting on the weekends because DH has been renovating our basement.  I'm hoping things will let up after that.  I've reminded DH plenty how much he 'owes' me  I'm actually going out of town for a baby shower this weekend and it will be my first time away since DS was born.  

DS is already in daycare for like 9 hours a day M-F. And my parents do babysit when we want to go to a movie or something. It's the never-ending to-do list of things like cleaning and food shopping/prep that I really need to find better ways to offload

[bea]

De-lurking here. I never, ever planned to have kids. I married at 38 and my partner wanted them. We went around and around and around. Then, sort of randomly, one day I was mocking a mom blogger (who likes to take lots of magical selfies...) and that kicked off a long conversation and then all of a sudden I realized I do want a kiddo. Fast forward to scouring sperm bank profiles, learning about at-home insemination, and lots of temping and charting. And now our daughter is 2.5 and the freaking light of my life.

1. What convinced you to make the jump? I think I covered this above.

2. What surprised you? That at 43 I was ready to be a mom. I was absolutely all-in.

3. How did your career change? I opted to retire while my partner (who carried the baby) returned to work. This set up has worked really well for us.

4. How did your relationship change? It deepened considerably. There was a lot of role reversal while my (butch) partner was pregnant, and that was weird to navigate sometimes. But I knew that part was temporary. She's totally "Papi" and I'm Mama.

5. What do you wish you had known...? I think things fell into place for us at the right time. We had the baby after being married five years, that felt like the perfect time line. We have so much fun. And we're definitely team one and done.

[anna7602]

Dec 2, 2015 14:17:10 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

Something I was happy about. I'm still me. I was worried I'd lose myself, or my identity would be "mom" but it isn't. That makes me happy. Although that is one thing that I'm concerned about with two. I'm afraid the whole "one is an accessory, two is a lifestyle" thing would be true. With one we can still mostly do what we used to - in terms of logistics and finances, I worry that 2 will make me mostly mommy.

I struggle with this most days. 2 is kind of kicking my ass, and that's with a second kid who is suuuuper chill and a generally happy, easy-to-please guy. I still have to deal with the logistics of where he goes/who watches him while I'm working or working out or basically doing anything that would make his tagging along inconvenient or difficult, including certain activities and events of DD's. My brain space is definitely more filled up with "mom stuff" now than it was with just one kid. 

[Deleted]

Dec 2, 2015 13:48:38 GMT -5 y4m said:

Hello MMM friends!  

If you were not someone who always knew you wanted to be a parent someday (but ended up becoming one...), I'd love to hear about how your experience has been...  I am specifically interested in people who seriously considered staying child-free but ended up becoming a parent somehow (came around to it, accidents, etc.)  Any thoughts on...

1. What convinced you to make the jump?
2. What surprised you?
3. How did your career change?
4. How did your relationship change?
5. What do you wish you had known...?

This thread is brought to you by some health issues that mean I need to get off the fence on this sooner rather than later...  Would love to hear insights from others who ended up at Yes despite real doubts.

We ended up accidentally pregnant (ahem) both times. The second time, DH didn't want another baby and we are less than 3 months in so let's focus on #1.

1. N/A - I thought about it honestly every day for years. I just couldn't make the commitment. There is no way to logic yourself around it, unfortunately. What I recommend to people who are similarly on the fence is to honestly think about what you love about your life currently, and be realistic about whether you will regret losing your freedom/independence, or regret not having a family down the road. Also really do some navel gazing about how much patience you have, how much external validation you need, etc. There are some real drawbacks to having kids (don't get me wrong, there are benefits obviously but I feel like people are too quick to gloss over that).
2. My personality did a 180. I am classic type B, laid back, go with the flow type but act the opposite under extreme stress. Having a high-needs newborn was the most stress I've ever encountered and I became type A obsessive about everything. Also sleep deprivation. Everyone mentions it but there is no way to explain or understand what effect it will have on you until you've been through it. The all consuming love for another person is both the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I think I do feel a lot more connected with other people and overall my life is richer and more fulfilled, but I wouldn't say I am happier. 
3. Sleep deprivation took a real toll on my ability to focus on work, and I was no longer willing to "lean in", put in long hours, etc. I was also mommy tracked when pregnant, passed over for more difficult positions, which ultimately led to me being laid off. I am not willing to travel or work long hours, which has limited my job search as well as earning potential. I don't care though - work life balance is fine right now (as fine as have 2 kids 2 years apart can be!)
4. Our relationship has suffered. Neither of us deal well with the middle of the night shuffle and having difficult babies has exacerbated that. We don't really have time or opportunities to go out together alone and since we both work pretty demanding jobs. We had a rough patch earlier this year and realized that we didn't even have the time to go to marriage counseling since the situation wasn't dire. And we have a LOT of family that can help, it's just difficult having young kids because they are very needy. 
5. I wish I had gone to counseling myself before I had kids to figure out how to be more assertive in getting my needs met. I always put my needs last and I have trouble even though I know logically that's not how I want to behave or the example I want to set for my kids. Any issues you have with yourself or your relationship are just intensified by having kids. 

Also, we have been internet friends for years and I think I know you well enough to feel like you would make a really good mom, but only you can decide if the sacrifices are "worth it". Also if I remember correctly your H has a big law job so you might be relegated to a lot of solo parenting, which is HARD. If you don't have a big support system in place work on getting that now. Feel free to message me anytime if you want to talk privately. I totally understand being on the fence and if it weren't for poor BC use I'm not sure I would have ever made the commitment. 

[hbomdiggity]

Another didn't Not want to be a mom, just not ever excited or ready.

1. My dad getting sick was the final push. Not that I did it for him (although I'm glad to he got a grandson after 4 granddaughters). But it made me realize that when I am old I want a family. Which means I had to have a baby. at 35 I wasn't getting any younger.

2. It took longer to get pg than I expected. I'm healthy with no major issues. Still took 18mos.

3. I'm one month back from ML. It's hard. And I'm not talking being away from the baby. I used to work 10-12 hr days and that's just not feasible now between daycare pickup and just wanting to see him in the evening. And then once he has gone to bed, I'm just DONE. I need to decompress and I can't work another hour or two like I used to.

4. We were married 8 yrs before baby arrived. Sure there are moments but I don't think anything has changed. He is a great dad and I love seeing this new side of him.

5. I felt pretty informed thanks to years on gbcn. The rest you just figure out!

Also, I was never a baby person. I never held a baby until my own. I didn't they "smelled good" or other nonsense. I was a little worried I was missing the "mom chip" but figured it had to be there (especially since I was one hell of a dog mom). And yes, it's there. I love my baby. But he only smells good if I use scented lotion.

[y4m]

Thanks you guys - this is a great thread and please keep it coming. On the medical stuff--it will be fine, but I have terrible fibroids that are causing me a lot of issues (and very likely making me infertile right at the moment) - I'm going to get that taken care of surgically, but then medical advice will be to get any pregnancies done quickly so I can have a hysterectomy or some other more permanent solution--because they will more than likely grow back and be a long-term problem. I'm 34 at the moment and will likely be 35 by the time I can get my issues fixed and be cleared to TTC hypothetically. If we don't want kids, knowing that just lets me do more aggressive treatments sooner.

My thinking, stream of consciousness-style:

-We have our shit together - good jobs, house, money, there's no logistical reason not to. Of course that means we have a fun life now with travel and restaurants and whatnot.
-We have a very solid relationship and partnership. Our only fights have been around division of responsibility (me having way too much of it) - we're in a good place now with it, but we outsource a ton of stuff. My mom was a married single parent because of my dad's job, and I would never want that life. And I know DH has those tendencies which gives me major pause. He's gotten somewhat better, but if push came to shove and someone had to skip work to deal with a sick kid--right now I think that person would be me.
-Two demanding jobs, both of which we love, both of us are wired to be workaholics.
-Family is 3000 miles away--although so are both our jobs, so if we wanted to move closer to them, it would be easy to do so. Higher COL though (which is crazy comparing to DC).
-I need my sleep and I am not a patient person. Newborn stage looks impossible to me. I have a 3yo nephew and he's fairly fabulous.
-All our friends are having kids
-Will we get bored with this version of life?
-Would having a kid make us more connected to others/community and/or grow as people
-At the same time, do I want to be connected to communities of hovering super-parents who have their kids in 15 activities and are doing SAT prep at age 5? I suspect that is who we are surrounded by here (and would be in CA too).
-A vague sense that I would like to be about more than just my work.
-My mother would die of happiness
-A human we raised would generally be a good human I think. Probably chubby, definitely smart. But good.

yeah, that's what I've got.

[monsterz]

I always knew I wanted kids, but was in a relationship with a guy who didn't. I agreed to give up that desire to be with him. When that relationship ended, I took some time to figure out what I really wanted and I realized I really wanted kids and decided to go down the adoption route. Then I met H and he got on board with the idea.

I took a break from work for about 5 months and am now working part time. This worked great while we moved and given some of the issues we have had. I am looking to increase my hours in January. I travel for work and that is hard. I never thought twice about trips now I try to limit it to 1 or 2 nights away. As things settle down I may be able to up that.

Travel for us as a family has changed. We tend to do shorter trips and have to make sure we find kid friendly places. We also try to arrange 1 child free night during vacations to go out and do adult things. We are much more tired and go to bed shortly after junior does. We did have a rough patch earlier in the year because H was having a very hard time adjusting to fatherhood but we went to counseling and worked through it. The key for us was to openly talk about what was happening and be honest even if it was difficult to hear or say.

We make sure to take time for ourselves at least once a month as a couple and as individuals.

[thebreakfastclub]

H and I were both not big kid people.  My SIL had 3 kids and I could not deal with the noise and chaos of that situation.

For us, waiting until our mid 30s and having just one were key.  Also doing formula so the feeding and wakeups could be 50/50 - there was no way I was signing up for more than 50% of that work.

I cannot relate to posts where people want to stay home with the baby, don't want other people to hold the baby, want to watch the baby sleep, constantly check on the baby at night, or have a hard time dropping the baby off at daycare.    

Cheesy as it sounds, I feel like when I'm on my deathbed, I will see DS as the best thing we ever did.  That being said, 2 is just too much of a lifestyle change.


1. What convinced you to make the jump?
 Just decided it was now or never time.  Then it took a year to get pregnant.
2. What surprised you?
 DS was a very easy baby.    
3. How did your career change?
 It did not.  I suppose I would work later more often, but now I really prioritize getting out on time.
4. How did your relationship change?
 It did not.
5. What do you wish you had known...?   The monotony of it all kind of wears me down.

[Deleted]

We originally thought we would have no kids then weren't sure. My son is now 9 months old.

1. What convinced you to make the jump? 4 out of 5 of our siblings had kids, my best friends had kids. And sadly really good friends of ours had a stillborn baby which I guess made us think about how short life is and all that.

2. What surprised you? How hard it is. I am working all.the.time. Also how hard it is to take a baby anywhere. I thought I could just take him with me out and about. LOL! Some kids do sleep peacefully in carriers. Not mine. Also I really wasn't that sleep deprived when I just prioritized sleeping. And I did not have a magic sleeping baby. He is slightly harder than average.

3. How did your career change? I took a promotion the 2nd day I was back from maternity leave. That has been a challenge. But other than the fact

4. How did your relationship change? I am so stressed. It comes out as mostly hating my husband and trying to be nice. Generally he has not done anything wrong.

5. What do you wish you had known...? No information really would have changed things. I guess I wish I had seriously decluttered before getting pregnant--like gotten rid of all of the extra, non child friendly things.

Anyway, this year has been by far the hardest of my life. Additionally compounded by the fact that my father passed this year.

I love my son. I love seeing his beautiful little face, but I have not yet found the joy in parenthood. My life is mostly duty at this point. I have discovered I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I will try to enjoy myself again when I am not so tired. I expect that will probably be when he turns 4 or so.