Long Time Lurker with questions

[wwms]

Hi Ladies

Sorry if this is long...the questions are at the bottom if you want to skip over my intro babble

I am a long time lurker from TN... I figured I would come out of hiding to ask a few questions and give a quick intro.

I was married very briefly when I was 24 and divorced at 25, I'm now 33. My divorce was miserable at the time but once it was done ties to my ExH were completely cut. I also have an Ex BF (we were together give or take 5 years) who I have a 2 year old son with. While I love my son more than anything in the world and would never change having him I still hate my ex after 2 1/2 years. I left him when I was about 4 months pregnant. We have a horrible co-parenting relationship. I am in therapy, which is helping, and also reading your posts on here help me see when I am being a bitch (I fully admit to being one at times).

Background info:
My LO's father has filed to modify the CO so he has overnights. We have had our current CO for about a 1 1/2 years and he gets to see him Wednesdays for 4 hours and EO Saturday for 8 hours. It doesn't address holidays, vacations or birthdays either.

I have no problem with him having overnights, it will actually probably be good for LO because right now he wont stay with anyone but me, but my LO's father has cats. And LO is allergic to cats. We have had allergy testing and his doctor wrote a letter stating that LO shouldn't spend the night until the cats have been removed from the house for 6 months. Back in March my lawyer sent his lawyer a letting informing him we could work out a new CO on our own with overnights and holidays, etc. after the cats are gone. LO's father refused to even discuss it because they are his wife's cats.

Questions:
Has anyone else dealt with allergies to pets at the other parent's house? How was your issue resolved?
In PA we go before a master first to see if we can work out the issues, if he refuses to talk about the cats going and I refuse to bend on letting LO stay with the cats in the house, can we just skip the first step and go to court with a judge? Not that I want to go to court but I also don't want to pay my lawyer to sit there when nothing is going to be agreed on. Or can I go to the master meeting without my lawyer and just say "no" to everything so we go to court?

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.

[doriswe]

Not trying to be snarky, but how can LO go there and visit without issues if he's allergic to cats? And can he take something to deal with the cats?

ETA: My DS has allergies and he takes meds, no big deal, kwim? And at some point your LO will get invited to a friend's house for a sleep over and what if they have cats? Follow me?? Unless the allergies are life threatening, I guess I'm all about making accommodations so LO and X can spend time together.

[gozf]

I agree with Doris. You need to unclench about these cats.

And the cats would have to be gone for 6 months before he could spend the night? For real? That sounds crazy extreme.

[wingingitinmotown]

I can totally understand the concern about the cats. I am highly allergic to cats and even when I take daily meds, I can't be in a house where a cat lives for more than an hour or two tops before I start to have pretty bad reactions.

That said, how bad are LO's allergies? Is it just a little sniffly, or is it throat closing up? If they aren't life threatening, I would suggest to ask XBF to set aside a bedroom just for LO, where the cat(s) won't be allowed in. Get an air purifier for that room, and maybe one for the living room if that's where they'll spend time. Hopefully if they can reduce the risk of being in contact with the cat, that will make it bearable.

[gozf]

I am getting such a dmnds vibe.... Cannot shake it.

[wwms]

Aug 27, 2012 8:02:29 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Not trying to be snarky, but how can LO go there and visit without issues if he's allergic to cats? And can he take something to deal with the cats?

ETA: My DS has allergies and he takes meds, no big deal, kwim? And at some point your LO will get invited to a friend's house for a sleep over and what if they have cats? Follow me?? Unless the allergies are life threatening, I guess I'm all about making accommodations so LO and X can spend time together.

The thing is he has issues just being there for his visits. If it was one cat, ok that's life. But they have three and they got two after he was tested for the allergies. He is also allergic to dust mites which are also higher in a house with cats because they feed off of the dander.

His father has to take him out of the house to do other stuff so his time with them is limited. My LO's entire visitation time is 32 hours over the month. That is if his father doesn't cancel and that includes transportation time.

My LO's doctor gave him every medicine that she could based on his age and they don't help. She said the only thing would be allergy shots and she wont do them at his age because it would be every week for at least a year.

Like I said it would be good for him to stay overnight and have more time with his father but when he gets sick after every Saturday visit he has with him its not fair to a 2 year old.

[wwms]

Aug 27, 2012 8:28:43 GMT -5 gozf said:

I agree with Doris. You need to unclench about these cats.

And the cats would have to be gone for 6 months before he could spend the night? For real? That sounds crazy extreme.

The 6 month time limit is from LO's doctor. It is based on the pet dander having to be cleaned from the house. The cats have full run of the house so it is in every room and on all of the furniture. And cat dander is worse than dog dander apparently.

[wwms]

Aug 27, 2012 8:38:39 GMT -5 gozf said:

I am getting such a dmnds vibe.... Cannot shake it.

I'm not diamonds. I've read her posts. I don't keep my LO from his father.

LO's allergy doctor said he shouldn't have overnights. I am the one who offered overnights back in March if we could address the cat issue. And LO's father has been to the allergy doctor and she told him they need to go face to face so its not me making it up.

[wwms]

Aug 27, 2012 8:35:36 GMT -5 wingingitinmotown said:

I can totally understand the concern about the cats. I am highly allergic to cats and even when I take daily meds, I can't be in a house where a cat lives for more than an hour or two tops before I start to have pretty bad reactions.

That said, how bad are LO's allergies? Is it just a little sniffly, or is it throat closing up? If they aren't life threatening, I would suggest to ask XBF to set aside a bedroom just for LO, where the cat(s) won't be allowed in. Get an air purifier for that room, and maybe one for the living room if that's where they'll spend time. Hopefully if they can reduce the risk of being in contact with the cat, that will make it bearable.

LO's allergies are more than just sniffles. We've been to the ER because of them. LO's father has an air purifier, no carpet, leather furniture but he still has reactions. If he older and could say how he was feeling then it wouldn't matter but since he is only 2 I need to follow what the doctor says. And LO's father even took him to his own specialist and they told him it was allergies too.

[blackkitty]

Does your son's father have any ideas on how to address this?
I would be at a loss myself because I cannot see sending my son into a situation where is he that badly allergic to the cats.

As far as your questions go - I don't know what a "master" is... but "can we just skip the first step and go to court with a judge?" Isn't that a question that your lawyer can answer? I have no idea

[stephbfan]

If you really think this is serious, I would go to court for that. I really don't think that you are overreacting.

[wwms]

Aug 27, 2012 9:17:16 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Does your son's father have any ideas on how to address this?
I would be at a loss myself because I cannot see sending my son into a situation where is he that badly allergic to the cats.

As far as your questions go - I don't know what a "master" is... but "can we just skip the first step and go to court with a judge?" Isn't that a question that your lawyer can answer? I have no idea

LO's father wont even discuss the issue. When my lawyer sent the letter back in March the response she got from his lawyer was, "my client will not discuss the cats so if that is the topic there is no reason for a meeting"

[naeljun]

As a person with severe cat allergies, I can see where you are coming from. I can't even take meds and be in the same room where cats were without asthmatic symptoms occurring. I grew out of all my other allergies except this one. In fact I had an allergy attack at work last week because I sat in a chair where someone with a cat sat. That dander is potent. If he was older and could have the shots then I would say you are wrong but three cats in the run of the house is not good for him at all. He will be miserable and neither his dad nor your son would enjoy that.

I do like the idea wingingit said though. Would your ex and his wife be willing to set aside one room as cat free for DS to sleep in? Also would they be willing to get rid of any carpets and put in hard wood floors? That would help with the dander too. I do a little bit better in a house with a cat that has hard woods. I can tolerate it for a little more than an hour.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You don't want your son to be sick.

[gozf]

Ok, then. I'd talk to your lawyer about how to proceed.

[naeljun]

Aug 27, 2012 9:28:02 GMT -5 gozf said:

Ok, then. I'd talk to your lawyer about how to proceed.

yeah that was your original question. Could you just skip right to court. I don't know but your lawyer would.

[doriswe]

Have you asked your X to attend some of these MD visits with you so he can talk to the MD himself, ask questions, get answers?

[formerlyak]

There are ways to minimize the dander. "Clean room." Air purifier. Certain wipes to clean the cats daily. Vacuum or dust the hardwood floors more often. DS and I moved in to fi's house and he is allergic to my dog, but we did a bunch of stuff to help minimize the allergens. And it's been 6 months and seems to be working.