Having doubts about BF break up

[emma245]

This weekend was the first full weekend I went out to the bars after my BF and I's breakup and let me tell you it was depressing as hell. Basically didnt get hit on by one guy and everyone seemed like they were 21. My friend and I even had some guys come over and eat some of our food.

Its making me regret the breakup with my bf. He treated me really well but I just wasnt happy because we didnt have that "passion" or I want to be with this person forever type feeling. I found myself making excuses on why not to hang out with him because I didnt feel like hooking up with him.

Im just in a total FUNK and wonder if I'll ever meet someone. Im 30, over the party life style and want to have kids relatively soon. I need to buy that book Better Single than Sorry

[Deleted]

I think you have to have the right mindset about going to bars. I go to drink and have fun with the people I'm with. I don't think it's good to go out with the expectation of "getting hit on."

And you're only regret seems to be that someone better hasn't come along. That's not a good reason to stay with someone.

[gozf]

Aug 27, 2012 12:52:14 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I think you have to have the right mindset about going to bars. I go to drink and have fun with the people I'm with. I don't think it's good to go out with the expectation of "getting hit on."

And you're only regret seems to be that someone better hasn't come along. That's not a good reason to stay with someone.

I agree with this, 110%.

[emma245]

You ladies are right. I just hate that it didnt work out. I feel like I cant have a successful relationship with the bad boys Im attracted to or the good ones that treat me right. Im working on it in therapy but Im questioning if I can have that physical attraction AND a guy that treats me right...

[Deleted]

Aug 27, 2012 13:03:39 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Aug 27, 2012 13:03:00 GMT -5 emma245 said:

You ladies are right. I just hate that it didnt work out. I feel like I cant have a successful relationship with the bad boys Im attracted to or the good ones that treat me right. Im working on it in therapy but Im questioning if I can have that physical attraction AND a guy that treats me right...

I struggle with this too.

Me three. It's really hard. I meet a lot of "nice" guys, but they totally bore me.

[achase123]

Aug 27, 2012 12:52:14 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

And you're only regret seems to be that someone better hasn't come along. That's not a good reason to stay with someone.

This. That's why it's such a touchy thing to go out like that after a break-up. You're still REALLY fragile and it's not a great time to go out. I agree that you should have the mindset of just having fun when you go out. Having too many expectations leads to disappointment.

Also, there's sort of a "high" that comes right after breaking things off with someone who you know isn't right. But that wears off pretty quickly and the reality and loneliness can set in. I think reading the "Better Single Than Sorry" book would be good for you. It's very positive and makes you feel like you aren't alone.

[emma245]

Aug 27, 2012 13:15:10 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Aug 27, 2012 12:52:14 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

And you're only regret seems to be that someone better hasn't come along. That's not a good reason to stay with someone.

This. That's why it's such a touchy thing to go out like that after a break-up. You're still REALLY fragile and it's not a great time to go out. I agree that you should have the mindset of just having fun when you go out. Having too many expectations leads to disappointment.

Also, there's sort of a "high" that comes right after breaking things off with someone who you know isn't right. But that wears off pretty quickly and the reality and loneliness can set in. I think reading the "Better Single Than Sorry" book would be good for you. It's very positive and makes you feel like you aren't alone.

You are totally right but my friends want me to go out and party bc I was spending a lot of time with him or isolating myself.

Im nervous because Im going away partying next weekend and sense a major meltdown. CRAP!

[achase123]

Aug 27, 2012 13:17:36 GMT -5 emma245 said:

Aug 27, 2012 13:15:10 GMT -5 achase123 said:

This. That's why it's such a touchy thing to go out like that after a break-up. You're still REALLY fragile and it's not a great time to go out. I agree that you should have the mindset of just having fun when you go out. Having too many expectations leads to disappointment.

Also, there's sort of a "high" that comes right after breaking things off with someone who you know isn't right. But that wears off pretty quickly and the reality and loneliness can set in. I think reading the "Better Single Than Sorry" book would be good for you. It's very positive and makes you feel like you aren't alone.

You are totally right but my friends want me to go out and party bc I was spending a lot of time with him or isolating myself.

Im nervous because Im going away partying next weekend and sense a major meltdown. CRAP!

Is there any way you can get out of it, or maybe have a different mindset? Honestly, I usually have a really bad Sunday and Monday after a night of partying. This weekend was an exception because I was with great friends and we just had such a good time. But I also didn't have any major expectations so that helped.

[emma245]

I actually booked the hotel room under my name. It probably wasnt the best idea because I know this is how I am after a break up. Im just going to have to suck it up and probably have a not so fun Labor Day. The girls Im going with are CRAZY and very single and outgoing. I have therapy tonight so hopefully I can work on some coping mechanisms.

[gozf]

Aug 27, 2012 13:17:36 GMT -5 emma245 said:

Aug 27, 2012 13:15:10 GMT -5 achase123 said:

This. That's why it's such a touchy thing to go out like that after a break-up. You're still REALLY fragile and it's not a great time to go out. I agree that you should have the mindset of just having fun when you go out. Having too many expectations leads to disappointment.

Also, there's sort of a "high" that comes right after breaking things off with someone who you know isn't right. But that wears off pretty quickly and the reality and loneliness can set in. I think reading the "Better Single Than Sorry" book would be good for you. It's very positive and makes you feel like you aren't alone.

You are totally right but my friends want me to go out and party bc I was spending a lot of time with him or isolating myself.

Im nervous because Im going away partying next weekend and sense a major meltdown. CRAP!

Well, if you're sensing a meltdown, then don't go.

I don't think there's anything wrong with going out and surrounding yourself with friends, provided your expectations are in check and you're doing it b/c you want to. If you want to go out with your friends, do it, and have THAT be the focus, not whether or not some rando hits on you.

[leahmel]

I didn't meet someone good until I became truly happy being alone. I mean genuinely happy at your core. Cultivate and fulfill yourself by joinign clubs and starting hobbies, improve your friendships and family relationships. Date without big expectations and truly ENJOY your life without relying on anyone else to fulfill it. You attract what you are inside, and if you're clingy dependent or looking too hard and can't be happy alone, you'll never attract the type of guy who will add to your already happy life. men can sense when you are happy and fulfilled in your CURRENT life, and it shines through. Work on that now instead of filling the void with another man.

ETA: Do you have friends who want to do things besides partying? Can you join a meetup group in your area? If you do go out to bars or "party", don't go wit the intention of fin ding a man or counting how many guys hit on you, just truly have fun and enjoy yourself.

[doriswe]

Aug 27, 2012 20:20:56 GMT -5 leahmel said:

I didn't meet someone good until I became truly happy being alone. I mean genuinely happy at your core. Cultivate and fulfill yourself by joinign clubs and starting hobbies, improve your friendships and family relationships. Date without big expectations and truly ENJOY your life without relying on anyone else to fulfill it. You attract what you are inside, and if you're clingy dependent or looking too hard and can't be happy alone, you'll never attract the type of guy who will add to your already happy life. men can sense when you are happy and fulfilled in your CURRENT life, and it shines through. Work on that now instead of filling the void with another man.

This is awesome sauce!! Fabulous advice!

[lovelybb]

Aug 27, 2012 20:20:56 GMT -5 leahmel said:

I didn't meet someone good until I became truly happy being alone. I mean genuinely happy at your core. Cultivate and fulfill yourself by joinign clubs and starting hobbies, improve your friendships and family relationships. Date without big expectations and truly ENJOY your life without relying on anyone else to fulfill it. You attract what you are inside, and if you're clingy dependent or looking too hard and can't be happy alone, you'll never attract the type of guy who will add to your already happy life. men can sense when you are happy and fulfilled in your CURRENT life, and it shines through. Work on that now instead of filling the void with another man.

ETA: Do you have friends who want to do things besides partying? Can you join a meetup group in your area? If you do go out to bars or "party", don't go wit the intention of fin ding a man or counting how many guys hit on you, just truly have fun and enjoy yourself.

EXCELLENT advice!!!