Maintaining friendships with kidfree people

[bowies]

Probably.

The thing is, some friendships have an expiration date. It doesn't mean you didn't have a "real" relationship in that time, sometimes you just need different people in your life at different times.

I think you can be friends without being BEST friends. And that's OK! They seem to be sending those signals that they need to move on to a social group that is a better match. It's happened to me, and I don't hold any hard feelings.

[bluelikejazz]

That sucks. I'd just keep doing what you are doing and keep inviting them to kid free and kid centered events. We were the last of one of our groups of friends to have kids, and it SUCKED when they posted all the time about the kid-friendly stuff they did but never invited us to. I was always crushed when they'd go to the zoo without us. I LOVE the zoo. Kid or no kid. Now that we have a kid, they are better about inviting us, but sometimes it still feels like an afterthought.

Also, I don't know what their TTC plans are, but I know when we were struggling, spending time with other families was so hard. If I were them on NYE, we probably would have done the same thing. So they may not have intended the comment the way it came across, but they may just need an excuse to get away from all the kid stuff. Or they are getting a lot of grief from whomever about wanted a child-free life.

[ktw]

Since you want to maintain the friendship, I would continue to invite them to all of the outings, making sure that some of them remain kid-free. And, I would try to let comments (like the one about your families getting too big) roll off your back. It's hard, and that would have bothered me too. But the reality is, even though it's rude to say it (and you shouldn't), there are things you just can't understand/relate to until you are a parent. She probably doesn't understand why that's a rude thing to say because she can't relate. Are they planning to have kids?

We were in a similar situation. We have a group of 4 couples, 3 with kids, 1 without. One couple has a son with health issues which often lead to plans getting canceled/changed at the last minute. They're also horrible planners, and tend to overreact, so while we all sympathize with their son's issues, it's often difficult to ascertain if he's really that sick, or if they're paranoid and/or just didn't plan well enough to attend whatever function and are using it as a cop out. This is frustrating for all of us, but especially the childless couple, because they can't really understand how it feels when your kid is sick and you have to miss out. To make it worse, the couple without kids desperately wants them, but was having IF issues and couldn't get pregnant. 3 kids were born in this circle of friends during the 3 years they were struggling to get pregnant. Happily, they're pregnant now, but it was dicey for quite a while. I tried to just always invite them, no matter what we were doing with our kids, and ignore the comments about parenting things that they really couldn't relate to yet. I often think, "just you wait" in my head, but would never say it, especially given their circumstances.

[Deleted]

Life evolves. Sometimes, people opt out of your life. Sounds like they're opting out.

We just waited some out until they had their own babies.

[Deleted]

I don't think it's doomed necessarily but yeah it'll probably change. I would try not to take the wife's comment too personally and just keep inviting them to things. Then the ball is in their court to decide whether they want to come or not.

[jeaniebueller]

Using your families as an excuse to go to ST Lucia for NYE is....strange?

[vanillacourage]

The particular example you laid out - I would not worry or be offended. We often host NYE for our friend group just as you describe, and it's like trying to celebrate in the middle of a medium-sized daycare. If I didn't have kids I probably would not want to do that, even if that's where most of my friends were. Plus, St. Lucia always wins.

Also, you don't have to be equally-good friends with both halves of the couple. Your history is with the DH, so it may be fine to not see the wife solo. 

I say KOKO with trying to make activities a mix of kid-friendly and adults-only and it will sort itself out. 

[Deleted]

I don't think your friendship has to die, but maybe it will just be less.

I can relate. My main group of friends are mostly childless and they have not been helpful since I had a kid. I used to plan most things and it appears that is still where we are:/. I hadn't even realized that I was planning everything and was being extremely flexible. My friends are not planning and not flexible. Boo.

My sister moved to town. At least she hangs out with me.

[Deleted]

Dec 14, 2015 12:21:34 GMT -5 @natariru said:

Dec 14, 2015 12:20:22 GMT -5 RexManningDay said:

Well this is a different issue altogether. Fucking YIKES. lol! 

Yeah, it's kind of weird, lol.

Okay, maybe you don't need to work that hard to hang with them. That's a different thing all together.

[holly116]

I think I would let this relationship die a natural death. It would be exhausting to try and keep up the charade that having kids doesn't make life different, not worse, just different, and it sounds like that's been a priority for you and this couple. If you're feeling like you have to apologize for having a toddler or keep the toddler in perfect control lest to prevent the childless people from seeing what happens behind the curtain now, gah, it's only going to get more ridiculous with another baby in the mix.

DH and I have had about a million weddings in the last few years and most of our previously childless friends from college and such are just now having their firsts. We had a few years where we really didn't have the same sort of friendships with most of them and well, it was what it was. Luckily we had a lot of friends with kids and it sounds like you do too. Now I feel like it's all coming full circle. Maybe you all will reconnect and be closer again in a few years.

Different seasons of life and all.

[anna7602]

Dec 14, 2015 12:08:09 GMT -5 bowies said:

Probably.

The thing is, some friendships have an expiration date. It doesn't mean you didn't have a "real" relationship in that time, sometimes you just need different people in your life at different times.

I think you can be friends without being BEST friends. And that's OK! They seem to be sending those signals that they need to move on to a social group that is a better match. It's happened to me, and I don't hold any hard feelings.

Agreed. This has happened to me with friends who have kids, who don't have kids, who move to the suburbs, who stay in the city, etc. People's needs & expectations just change over time, even when nothing else in their life does.

Nonetheless, it's hard to process in the moment. Feeling angry/hurt, I think, is part of letting go of the friendship.

[deo]

I would totally understand if kid-free people wanted to do something else on NYE. I wouldn't really be offended by that comment. It sounds like this couple is slowly phasing out of the group. I would keep inviting them but I wouldn't make a big effort to include them in everything because they can make an effort if they want to. They sound like they are in a different phase of life and that is ok.

[ECB]

Eh, I don't know.  She was at least being honest?  She sounds a little odd about her DH and he's more your friend than she is.  But I don't know that her comment would have bothered me.  I mean, heck, I'VE kind of had that thought about our college friend group and I'm one of the poeple with kids.  But we're really getting TOO big to do certain stuff (like taking an annual beach vacation together.).

I'd continue to invite them to certain events but I dn't know that I'd keep trying SO HARD with her specifically.  Let it fall to them if they totally bail from the circle or not.