Any Foster Parents out there?

[mandapanda18]

So H and I have decided that we will give TTC a go for the next 6 more months. If that doesn't work, I am going to have to go ahead with my hysterectomy (that was pushed 3.5 years ago). I told him I am open to Fostering or adoption.... he and I both had foster children in our homes growing up, I thought it was wonderful (but I was younger when they were in our home), he thought it was terrible (specifically them leaving).

Any advice? I have contacted the county and they sent me a list of things to do, but it just seems too easy....

[jeaniebueller]

Are you interested in any specific age group and are you only interested in pre adoptive placements? I do not Foster, but work closely with the Foster care system.

[mandapanda18]

Dec 14, 2015 16:08:32 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

Are you interested in any specific age group and are you only interested in pre adoptive placements? I do not Foster, but work closely with the Foster care system.

We are interested in any age group, I am open to non-adoptive fostering but I had a really good experience with it as a child. My husband unfortunately did not, he said one of the poor girls kept getting sent back to her mom and then would end up with them again (covered in dirt/lice) and that's all he can think about. 

The research I have done shows that the average age in our area is 8-9, with 90% being over age 6. We are okay with that. I really just want to make a difference in a kids life. My H does too, he is just a little more apprehensive and thinks adoption is a better bet. It is hard researching that side of it...

[bugandbibs]

We did Foster to adopt for DD1. There is the risk of them leaving, but it's lessened if you choose to only have children placed in your home who are already have had their parental rights terminated. It's really a different situation then being a general Foster home.

I suggest you go through the classes and get approved. You can always choose not to take in a child, but the classes (ours required 10) answer most questions/concerns and help you meet others going through the same process.

[mandapanda18]

I signed up for an orientation, but there area 10 agencies servicing our county. The person I spoke to at AdoptUsKids said to visit multiple and make sure we jive with the agency. None of them seem differentiated on paper, so I guess we are going to take a stab at a couple! The process takes between 3-6 months here (for the home visit/background check to be complete). Not sure if they will consider that my background and H's are already cleared as we both work in areas that require it (state University and a licensed professional).

[oswin]

We haven't done any fostering, but some goods friends of ours just got approved and have been doing respite care (but intend to full-time foster/foster-to-adopt). It took them several months of preparation to take some classes and get their home approved (had to be baby/childproofed to a certain standard). Our friends found an agency that helps them through the process and preparation and also provides support after placement. They mentioned that a lot of their classes were focusing on how to help and deal with children who've gone through trauma, which basically every foster child has in at least one way since they've been taken away from their family (for whatever reason). They mentioned that they chose an agency with a low child to caseworker ratio, so maybe try to find out approximately what that is for the various agencies you're looking into. If the case workers are overloaded then they have less time to devote to making sure each kid is doing ok.

[lizlemon19]

I adopted my sons from foster care in 2012 when they were 22 months and 4.5. I also worked at DCF for ten years and a private adoption agency for one. I am happy to answer any questions.

Do you know if your state differentiates between foster homes and pre-adoptive homes? Ours did, but some states do not- you are a foster home and then some children may have an adoption plan and they will ask you if you are interested in adoption.

I will say it is the most amazing and hardest thing I have ever done. They are definitely our boys. It is hard to explain.

In terms of advice-
I would see if there is anywhere offering informational sessions in your area to get questions answered.

Decide with your DH what you are comfortable with and stick to it in terms of age, will you take a sibling group, any special needs, etc.

Be prepared for a variety of opinions from others. People will call you crazy or a saint. You will get a lot of horror stories about so and so's second cousin who adopted and it was horrible, and a lot of insensitive comments. You will also hear some positive stories and meet amazing people along the way.

Keep in mind when you are adopting from foster care, the children will just have different needs than other kids. Between trauma, attachment, and biological factors, how they form relationships, learn, behave, and see the world is just different. Even years later. I had a lot of experience working with and being around kids, but still did not feel prepared. We had to accept that some things would just be different, and what works on other kids may not work on yours.

[mandapanda18]

Thank you lizlemon19!

I will definitely take you up on your offer. From what we can tell (through internet research, our first meeting is Wednesday) the agencies run all types of foster care, but you can ask to have the pre-adoptive kids (kids whose parental rights have already been revoked) screened through.

[nachos]

We fostered last year, and it was a disaster.

The child has been in continuous care for about ten years, and was 15 at the time. We were not told the extent of his attachment issues regarding his parents (especially the mother), with whom he had regular contact. We supported his visits, and felt like little more than a shuttle service. He would act out when we couldn't take him (we refused once during a blizzard because the roads weren't safe, and he lost his mind). DD spent most of her time in her room; our family wasn't adapting the way we expected (DS1 lives with his bio dad, so he only stayed with us briefly during the fostering experience, and shared a room. There was less than one year in the difference of their ages).

Then, the foster son decided that he didn't want to live with us anymore, but instead of being honest, came up with a plan where he would tell the social worker "whatever it took" to get removed from our home. Since we both work as educators, this could have been very damming for us, and meant the end of both of our careers.

I made the decision that he had to go, and DH was quite upset. He felt that we didn't try hard enough, and this put quite a strain on our marriage, but I wasn't willing to risk my family or our careers for this.

I do know lots of people who have had wonderful experiences, though. I wouldn't even say that I'd never do it again, but I'd only take a baby in the future.

[monsterz]

We did foster to adopt for Jr. We looked specifically at pre Adoptive placements or low legal risk. It is not easy but I am so glad we have him. Parenting children from a trauma background is heartbreaking, frustrating and rewarding all at the same time.

Be prepared to spend a lot of time on training, having a parade of people in your home on a monthly basis and participating in counseling sessions. None of this fully prepares for what you will encounter and each situation is completely different.

We met our son after parental rights were relinquished so we did not have to transport him to visits with his birth family. I know this can be very difficult for the child and parents.

I am happy to chat more or I can send you a link to my blog where I talk about a lot of the ups and downs.

[lizlemon19]

Dec 14, 2015 16:18:08 GMT -5 mandapanda18 said:

I signed up for an orientation, but there area 10 agencies servicing our county. The person I spoke to at AdoptUsKids said to visit multiple and make sure we jive with the agency. None of them seem differentiated on paper, so I guess we are going to take a stab at a couple! The process takes between 3-6 months here (for the home visit/background check to be complete). Not sure if they will consider that my background and H's are already cleared as we both work in areas that require it (state University and a licensed professional).

  You will still have to get the background checks done, even if your employer does them. I had to go through extra layers of scrutiny, since I was a CPS employee at the time.  Even thought they trusted me to drive around kids all day for my job.

If it is an option, go with a private agency that contracts with the state.  Private agency case workers generally have smaller caseloads and less burnout/stress, and may be more responsive and quick with paperwork, answering questions, etc.  Of course this can vary by worker or office, but that has been my experience.