When will it stop being hard?

[anna7602]

The holidays are so freaking hard. I wish I could just focus on my kids and looking at the beautiful windows on 5th Avenue and wrapping presents while drinking mulled wine. But instead, I am managing this whole clusterfuck of a family crisis with my totally-losing it mother and my father who thinks he needs to stay strong and take care of her all by himself and both of them coming down on me for not giving them enough of myself when what I really want to do is just hide.

I got a handwritten letter from my mother in the mail yesterday saying all she wanted for Christmas was for me to wake up at her house that morning. No farking way. She is a borderline hoarder whose house is an absolute deathtrap for DS. She's so out of it (beginning dementia or alzheimers) that Christmas brunch last year (after the four of us slept at a hotel, which was lovely) involved 4 strips of bacon and 6 eggs for 8 people, all cooked by my sister when she realized the extent of my mother's inability to deal that day. My sister won't be around this year and my brother, wisely, has a strict policy of only seeing my parents on Christmas Eve and spending Xmas day with his wife's family. 

So, yes, my parents will be alone on Christmas morning (we'll see them later that day at another's relative's house, though). Which is sad to me, but it is sadder for me to think of my kids sitting around unhappy at my parents' house instead of doing the things DH and I planned for them and most importantly, just having a nice, quiet, peaceful morning instead of an agitated, tense time with my parents. Even if I take over and cook, even if I invite my parents out Christmas morning, something is bound to go wrong because my mother's mental state makes it all a wild card.  

I was up until midnight last night crying and talking to my sister about all of this and I still feel like crap. 

[Muddled]

Huge hugs to you.
It's hard because you care so much. That's not a bad thing.

[pinotgrig]

I'm sorry, anna7602. That sounds really hard.

Fwiw, I think you're doing the right thing by focusing on what would make your kids the happiest. And it's not like you're not seeing them at all, it's just not exactly how your mom would prefer. Family and the holidays are hard.

[aspentosh]

Hugs. So many hugs.

No real words of advice, but remember to do what is best for you and your family. Even if that means not everyone is happy.

[bbonanza]

So many ((hugs)).

[5kcandlesinthewind]

Hugs, anna7602. It's difficult, but the only thing you can control about other people's behavior is your reaction to it. It sounds like you're making the best choice for your family, and that's really all you can do. If your parents try to guilt trip you, redirect. "The kids are really excited about Santa/Breakfast/X on Christmas morning, and we're looking forward to seeing you all later." Lather, rinse, repeat.

It sucks, though. I get you. I also have a boatload of family BS right now, and I'm just trying to make the best of it through the holidays.

[Deleted]

Hugs. I know its very hard for you.

I will tell you my mother dealt with this her entire life with her family. She tried to please everyone and no one ever looked out for her. I was talking to her about this xmas and this was the year she finally put her foot down and decided we arent going to please everyone. We are only going to please ourselves. She put her foot down for not only herself but for me. So we are enjoying it quietly at our home with my parents. It took my grandmother dying and my grandfather dying. It took my mother coming to terms that she is an alcoholic and needed help. And it took me having almost 2 kids. Its hard. People are not pleased that we are going against tradition. But I am thankful that she finally is going to get the christmas she wants after 56 years.

I dont know why I am sharing all this but I think its just to say I understand and its really f-ing hard. Your kids will be thankful for what you are doing. Please try to take some time for yourself and your family and enjoy it.

[Ashley&Scott]

I'm sorry. I know it's hard but you have to look out for yourself & your family too. You'll see your parents on Christmas Day, just not that morning. Don't feel bad about that. 

FWIW, we spend Christmas Eve & Christmas Day at home just the 3 of us. We decided that when M was born, we didn't want it to be an argument about which set of grandparents we were with for the holiday. 

[Deleted]

I'm sorry Anna. I hope it gets easier soon. Hugs.

[anna7602]

Not harsh at all, @littlemoxie. As my sister pointed out to me, my mother most likely wrote that letter in a moment of lucidity and willful manipulation. She has long been used to having temper tantrums to get her way, well before her current issues began. And I'm so used to being emotionally manipulated that it's hard to shake the effects entirely.

[ny96]

In my experience if her request granted and you stayed with them for Christmas she probably would still not be happy because she would transfer her unhappiness somewhere else.

[Muddled]

PS. My parents have been alone on Christmas many many years. MIL too. They have all survived it.

[bexporter]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It may never really stop being hard when you're being pulled in multiple directions, but you can only change what you do and how you react (easier said than done, I know).

You've made a wise decision for your family this year. Try not to be manipulated or affected by those who disagree with that decision.

[jeaniebueller]

I am so sorry. Its so hard to deal with parents with emotional issues and physical issues.

[loira]

I'm sorry. That sounds really tough, and I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays with your kids as planned.