Not a good update on me - confession

[heavenly]

I am embarrassed but it is something I have no control over at this point and can’t hide. I am battling severe depression right now. It went to the point where a friend had to take my son for the day so I can sleep. I didn't ever want to wake up and I still can't eat well.

I muster enough energy to take my son to a live performance of the Signing Time show that is on TV. The last song was "twinkle little star" and when the song got to part where it says 'I know who you are' I could do nothing but cry sheets of tears which scared the heck out of my friend who never sees me cry. I think this was the worst cry I have since learning my ex h wanted to leave... I didn't even cry then.

I have a therapy appointment on Thursday and I called a different doctor today to see if I can get some sort of medical help in the meantime. I just know I can't pull myself out of this alone.

Sorry it is such a downer post. This is not something I want to share with my IRL friends (except for 1). I don't have family where I live and that makes it hard. I called my mom and she knew from the tone of my voice that she has to get here. She is working out some flight schedule and will let me know when she can fly in and will stay with me for a while. I made it to work 30 minutes late today but at least work is keeping me somewhat productive.

I don't wish this upon anyone. I think trying to date someone new triggered a part of me inside that never got resolved. So I am trying to think that this is a gift that I needed to get further cleaned up to be able to move forward. I am trying my damnest to think good thoughts, to tell myself that I did nothing wrong and that I just need some self-care... but I still feel incredibly out of it.

[dakotadangerdog]

Aww don't ever worry about posting something like this, that's what we are here for. I hope you can get some help from your dr! Prozac helped a ton during my divorce. Hugs!!!

[blackkitty]

Don't be embarrassed please.
I have been where you are. It's like being in a hole and you want to claw your way out but it seems to only end up digging you deeper. You are doing the right thing by getting yourself to therapy. Is this a therapist you have been seeing a while? If so, can you call him or her and explain the situation and maybe they can squeeze you in sooner or even just talk to you for a few minutes over the phone?
Have you been going to therapy and just not seeing results? If so you might want to consider doing an outpatient partial hospitalization program?

[achase123]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Never feel badly about your struggles. You are SO strong for admitting what you are going through and getting help. Huge hugs to you. Please keep us updated on how things are going.

[turtle1120]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling. But please don't apologize for posting this - I would say most of the ladies on this board have been where you are at some point. I know I have.

Take care of yourself and let loved ones help as much as possible. Keep up with the therapy too.

Big hugs to you!!!!

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry you are going through this! It's absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Be proud that you are taking active steps toward getting better.

Also if you are close enough to your friends I'd reach out for help. No one is going to judge you for this and I'm sure you could use them to assist you until your mom gets here.

I'm glad you have an appointment and in the meantime feel free to post here for anything you need.

[usedtobebear]

((HUGS)) I'm so sorry you are so down and out right now!! I'm also so glad you have at least 1 friend you feel okay about talking to and seeking support and help. Hope your Mom can come stay with you soon. I was struggling really hard last week too and had to reach out to my friends, I just felt like WTF I might be losing my sh!t completely and I felt so overwhelmed. Be proud of yourself for recognizing you might need help, I hope things get better for you very soon!!

[heavenly]

Aug 27, 2012 16:16:38 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Don't be embarrassed please.
Is this a therapist you have been seeing a while? If so, can you call him or her and explain the situation and maybe they can squeeze you in sooner or even just talk to you for a few minutes over the phone?

Have you been going to therapy and just not seeing results? If so you might want to consider doing an outpatient partial hospitalization program?

BK - Yes it is the same therapist that I have been seeing for awhile. I stopped seeing her in June. I had stopped because I no longer had the desire to look at my scars anymore. She had warned me that I may feel the downward experience after stopping therapy for awhile and urged me to reach out when I needed to.

I have seen tremendous results from her, but mostly from making peace with my past since I didn't have a childhood and how my survival techniques I used growing up wasn't really necessary for living today's time as I am no longer in the same lifestyle compared to now.

It is moving forward that is the hard part.

Hopefully the therapist can help me with the present and moving forward.

[hobs209]

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. So glad you're getting the help you need. Good for you for being proactive about your health! I hope things improve quickly.

[stephbfan]

You are getting help so that what matters. You have support so you are in the right path. Feel free to come here and vent as much as you can and there is absolutely no reason to feel embarrassed!

[explorer2001]

Hugs! I know it's hard. It's good that your mom is coming and that you have friend(s) who are willing to help. Don't feel bad for posting. Sometimes its important to get it out somewhere. It is good that you are aware and reaching out. Stay strong.

[heavenly]

Aug 27, 2012 18:03:13 GMT -5 @darkangel said:

Please don't be embarrassed. You are going through a really rough time right now. Do you think that your therapist might be able to do a phone session with you to get you through to your appointment?

She is willing but much rather wait to do in person due to the language.

[marigoldgirl]

Recognizing you need help and asking for it is half the battle. You are a very strong woman to realize this. Hugs to you, You will get through this.

[cemacmil]

Like everyone, sorry you are going through such a hard time.

I am proud of you though that you got your son taken care of when you recognized it.

I am proud of you that you are trying very hard to get the best help you can.

I am proud of you for making it to/through work.

And I am proud of you for sharing - share as much as you need.

Bad times, worse times, no one but professionals and those that have been there/are there I think really know how hard divorce (no matter the circumstances) can be on a person, let alone a parent. I pray things look up for you soon.

[mclovin]

Don't be embarrassed. This is a tough time in life. Good for you for asking for help. It took me a while before I would admit the depression and asked for help. Hope you are on the road to feeling better soon.

[roselis]

Don't be embarrassed. You are not alone. I am battling depression right now as well. It isn't easy, especially as a single mom.
Fee free to talk about it as much as you need.
That is great that you are going back to your counselor too. Getting help is always a great step.

[udscoobychick]

**hugs** I am so proud of you for recognizing that you need help and seeking it out. I hope your therapist can help you!!!

[Bernadine]

You should be really proud of yourself for recognizing that you need help, and reaching out for it. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I have no doubt you're going to come out just fine! Take care of yourself!