I have to talk about something kind of morbid (kid related)

[Ohhmm(bligo)]

My PPD manifested in being calmly sure that I was going to find Cambria dead in her crib. I had a lot of pregnancy/labor health scares with her, and I think that had a lot to do with it.

Let's be fidgety freaks together.

[Deleted]

Yes, I do this.

I have anxiety pretty bad though.

I was convinced I would be dead long before now! And yet I keep on ticking

[partiallysunny]

I think this sometimes too. Like, my kid is so happy, funny, and joyful (most of the time). I fear something terrible (illness/accident) is going to happen to him.

I think it's a manifestation of my anxiety.

[rosiebear]

I'm sorry. I think a fair amount of irrational fear is part of parenting. I don't have much advice; I have to remind myself that the odds are hugely in our favor, but even that only helps a little.

You're not alone.

[hisno1girl]

The anxiety of being a mother never goes away.

If I hear about an accident in the city where my daughter lives, I'm quite certain she's the one that was in the accident and I don't feel at ease until I hear from her.

[anonymous]

I am really worried we are going to find out my son has some horrible disease as well. Maybe it's anxiety as a result of the horror shit-show we have been dealing with with my daughter? probably, but i still cant shake the feeling we are going to go to his well visit in a few weeks and get devastating news.

[Ohhmm(bligo)]

Dec 30, 2015 12:40:59 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

(oops, I don't know if you want that quoted)

PPD for Kristen was COMPLETELY different than PPD for Cambria.  I think it's normal for anxiety to jump out at you in different ways.
As far as being worried for her having speech or learning delays, don't worry about it.  You're really on top of things, Early Intervention will be able to help with whatever is needed, and trust me - kids have come a LONG way being accepting of different, re: needing extra help.

[thebreakfastclub]

I have struggled with this my whole son's life. I don't know how much of it is my level of normal worry vs watching my nephew actually die of a rare childhood cancer. I will never look at a lot of things the same way again after that experience.

[popple]

I know the feeling. This is actually one of the reasons why we haven't tried for baby #2 yet. Completely irrational, I know.

[game blouses]

I felt the same way with DS #1. I had a loss before my pregnancy with him, so I was sure I'd lose him too. I didn't take any bump pictures because I knew they'd make me too sad when I did eventually miscarry. Then when I made it to 9 months, I was sure he would be stillborn. I remember thinking that if I could hold him just one time before he died, that would be enough.

Then all the anxiety with SIDS and concussions and everything. He was a late walker and it was hard not to think "I know there's something wrong here" when your doctor's like, yeah, there's a slight delay, but it's NBD.

Anxiety is a bitch. I'm sorry you're dealing with it; it's so hard to shake those feelings of dread.

[cabbagecabbage]

Oh man. I spent the first year of my daughter's life convinced she was going to be smothered somehow. I dreamed that she flipped on her belly and suffocated so many times. I'd wake up gasping over and over.

Now it's the fears my husband will die in a wreck. I think that our marriage is so good right now and I love him so much that I'm terrified karma ot the universe will realize, "she's not that great or worthy; she doesn't deserve the whole package." Since I SAH and I'm pregnant, it's terrifying on a few levels. I've cried thinking, "and the baby will never meet him!!!" because he's 10 minutes late on his long commute.

[BaliHai]

I understand. A huge source of anxiety for me is the fear of L dying, and it manifests similarly to what you wrote about E - she is such a joy, and she is the center of our world, and what could I possibly have done to end up with her and there is no way I will be lucky enough to keep her, and on and on. I have to redirect those thoughts frequently, and it's tiring, but it is what it is, I guess.

So no advice, just commiseration. What PPs said is true about E, though - even if the muscle tone will be indicative of other issues, that you're aware now and proactive about it will make all the difference.

[junebug]

I have the same feeling about dd2. She is just such a joy to be around and she is my baby, where dd1 is totally a daddy's girl. I always feel like I got too lucky with her and she'll be taken from me. I feel you. Anxiety sucks.

[fluffernutter]

@tambcat, I totally understand. My worries ebb and flow, but there are times it is really bad. I check to make sure she's breathing multiple times a night.

[scottyderp]

Aw, sweetie.



Maybe you are just so happy to have her and she's so special you're just worried you're going to lose someone so great.  I think that's normal, particularly if you have lost loved ones.  If it's separate from past losses.  A completely separate worry, there is always preventative/functional medicine doctors.  But, really, my worst worries get bad this time of year.  Are you that way?  I've been (sorry to make it about me) so happy in my own weird way lately that I'm waiting for the bottom to drop out.

Just enjoy her.  We all go sometime you know that, but I'll bet she'll have the chance to wipe your ambrosia diarrhea butt someday.

[jellymankelly]

I have this same fear about my second child. He was sick as a newborn, and had a fairly scary medical episode this year. When we found out he was going in for emergency surgery this year, I had this feeling of dread, like all those fears were coming true. I also worry every time they leave for a trip with their dad that they won't make it back. Even though I know how irrational it is, the thoughts still creep up on me. Anxiety is a bitch.

[textbookcase]

Dec 30, 2015 12:59:49 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

While we're talking about my issues, I also have a lot of guilt over the fact that I don't really enjoy Joanna right now. This age is so hard. She is so argumentative and defiant.

JUST WAIT UNTIL SHE TURNS 11! Omg, kill me.

I'm sorry you are having anxious feelings. It is totally normal, though, I think. I've talked to many other moms and it seems like we all think weird, morbid, anxious thoughts about our kids all the time. It's just part of being a mom. We are constantly worried about our children. We just have to learn to cope with it, I guess. Hugs, lady.

[Deleted]

Another hardcore worrier here. I just have to work extra hard to not let it become an overwhelming obsession. After my 2nd child died, I kind of talk myself down by acknowledging that I survived that loss and that the likelihood of it happening again are very, very small.

My biggest fear is them driving as teenagers.

[miso]

This is heavy stuff, @tambcat .

I am only equipped to discuss potato chip flavors.

(heart)

[ginap]

@tambcat I SO hear the guilt about not enjoying them.  I have been home with Caroline for 8 days now and I'm ready to run away and not come home.  She's so frustrating.  The attitude and sass and constant need to be ON my person is making me crazy and then I'm like what kind of monster mother am I that I am DONE being with my child who I love more than anything.  This age is hard.  I thought 3 was hard, but damn 4 is awful. 

[textbookcase]

Dec 30, 2015 13:07:58 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Dec 30, 2015 13:05:43 GMT -5 textbookcase said:

JUST WAIT UNTIL SHE TURNS 11! Omg, kill me.

They aren't kidding about that "threenager" thing. I feel like I'm living with a 14-year-old. I just pray there are some easier years between now and then.. lol

Yeah, terrible twos are nothing compared to the threenager! 4 - 11 are pretty great years, in my experience. Then comes the pre-teen, hormonal sass. Good times.

[Deleted]

Dec 30, 2015 12:40:59 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Yeah, I have GAD so.. yeah.

I also can't remember how I felt about Joanna before Elizabeth came along, so maybe I felt like this with her too.

Logically, I know it's not some kind of premonition, but it FEELS like it, you know?

It bugs me that we don't know what is causing the hypotonia. I feel stupid when I talk about it because it is not very severe at all, and I know some moms here have bigger concerns. I just have a hard time with the uncertainty. I was looking at some study the other day where they followed up on kids who were diagnosed with idiopathic hypotonia as infants, and only 10% didn't have some type of delay. Which of course makes sense, because chances are you will have gross motor delays if you have low muscle tone. But some had speech delays (which also makes sense) and learning disabilities, and those things scare me. I worry about her and about how she will be perceived by her peers when she starts school.

So there is this undercurrent of worry that plays with my general anxiety, and I end up thinking something terrible will happen.

I know it's hard to not have a specific answer/cause for the hypotonia. We don't have a specific cause for my kids' hypotonia either. But, I also have it. I was never diagnosed as a child but once J was diagnosed it became very clear I had it too. Everything they had used to diagnose him I had -mainly sitting in a W, which I can and still do as an adult.

I never had issues with speech or learning disabilities. Honestly, the only things I can remember is not having a lot of upper body strength so the monkey bars were hard for me, it hurt to sit criss cross applesauce and I always sat in the w. My hips/legs are also extremely flexible. I played sports like basketball, volleyball, track, cheerleading, gymnastics.

I know this won't take away your worry. I have it to. I am constantly thinking about it and watching J with his peers and looking to see how it impacts things. His is more "severe" than the girls'. But I just wanted to let you know that it is possible for this to not have a major impact on the lives. My pedi's brother also has it and she said it was never linked to a particular cause and has never caused major issues for him. She said as an adult he lives in the gym and you would never know he has it.

[demofea01]

I totally understand your worries. Especially about school and how her peers will treat her. My son has nystagmus, which means that his eyes frequently bounce up and down. He can't control it. I actively avoid thinking about him being in school since he is going to be teased about it and I can't handle the thought of some little turd being awful to him about it.

[Yankees21]

I frequently think this about my son too. Anxiety is the worst (heart)

[fields]

I have a re-occuring fear that something is going to crush N's head that results in his death since he was a toddler.  I don't know why or what triggered this, but I can't shake this thought.

Up until my kids were 1 (past the SIDS risks), I held my breathe every time I went to check on them while they were sleeping in fear they wouldn't be breathing.  

I never verbalize this stuff to anyone because I rationally know the chances of either of these things happening is small....but I totally get where you are coming from.

[fields]

On the flip side, when N was diagnosed with hydronephrosis in utero, and subsequently we were told (when he was about 6 months old IIRC) that he had an almost full blockage in one of his ureters (this would have required surgery).....my gut just told me he was going to be ok. I never worried or was afraid - which is so WEIRD, given it was something real that was happening and could potentially be a big deal.

We got to the Dr appt preparing ourselves to have a convo about surgery and that's when the Dr told us that the radiologist had read the study incorrectly and there was no blockage - and that the hydro was most likely due to 'curly' ureters and would resolve itself as he grew. Which is exactly what happened.

So I have no idea what my deal is, ha.

[laurack]

I hear you. I was just thinking yesterday as I was cuddling my sweet William that he is such a joy. He's just such a lovely boy. Yes he has his tantrums and can be challenging but overall it's like he just has a lovely sweet nature. So as I was pondering this and smiling about it I began thinking about how he was probably going to die and then what a hole would be left in our lives. ETc.

I mean in general I feel that some tragedy will befall me. Either I'll lose my H, one of my kids, or they lose their mom.

I also have a lot of brothers and sisters and I feel like sometimes.. statistically there are a lot of people I love so one of them will die. I know that's not how it works. But I do think about it.

Also I am struggling with Matilda now because she is just not that pleasant lately. She can be sweet at times but often she is just plain mean. Bratty. Intolerable.

then I feel guilty because I'm trying to analyze whether the sadness in my head at the thought of her V him dying is the same or different.. was I sadder when I pictures William's death? Which is so stupid! gah.

So yeah, sorry. But I feel you

[malibu]

Dec 30, 2015 12:59:49 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

While we're talking about my issues, I also have a lot of guilt over the fact that I don't really enjoy Joanna right now. This age is so hard. She is so argumentative and defiant.

This will get better. I had a LOT of guilt and honestly, there was at least twice I remember during that age (2 - 3) with K that I felt like I regretted having her. I felt horrible guilt after those flashes of feeling that way but DAMN she was so difficult at J's age. SO difficult. I felt like all I ever did was yell for about two years straight. You're not alone, the toddler transition to preschool years seriously sucks.

[Deleted]

Dec 30, 2015 14:20:14 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

@awinter , thank you. I think I have it too. My mom has even commented that Joanna sits like me (w-sit), and I see E sitting like that too. She'll also sit with her knees up and roll her pelvis, like she's sitting on her tailbone instead of her bottom.  I've always had poor upper body strength and am really klutzy. If I lean my head back, I have a hard time pulling it forward. Could never do chin-ups, pull-ups or sit-ups. I AM pretty flexible and did great at the v-sit in the Presidential fitness test. lol. I also used to over pronate when walking, as does E, and my dad did also. It hasn't affected me other than being terrible at sports, but I wasn't interested in them anyway so it was nbd outside of gym class. I almost wish Elizabeth's pedi had never said anything.

This is a downfall to today's medicine and approach to child development. When we were kids people just referred to it as double jointed. I wasn't great at all sports but gymnastics and cheerleading were great because I was so flexible. I actually read an article back when J was diagnosed that said most professional gymnasts have at least some mild hypotinia. I spent 31 years of my life and never had any idea there was anything "wrong" other than the fact that I sucked at the rope climb in PE or couldn't do the monkey bars like my sister could. Oh well. Everyone has stuff they aren't great at and that was mine. But once J was diagnosed I started analyzing everything and now I think about it constantly with the kids.

There are pros and cons to today's information overload. And when you take a type A personality who is analytical by nature and trade (lawyer) and add in anxiety tendencies and access to the internet, well then you get someone like myself who now worries and obsesses and analyzes this likely minor issue to death. I wish I could turn it off.

[sookie]

Dec 30, 2015 14:29:27 GMT -5 fields said:

I have a re-occuring fear that something is going to crush N's head that results in his death since he was a toddler.  I don't know why or what triggered this, but I can't shake this thought.

Up until my kids were 1 (past the SIDS risks), I held my breathe every time I went to check on them while they were sleeping in fear they wouldn't be breathing.  

I never verbalize this stuff to anyone because I rationally know the chances of either of these things happening is small....but I totally get where you are coming from.

Until DD was 1 I would always carrying my phone with me when I went in to check on her, just in case she wasn't breathing and I needed to call 911 right away. I did it a little less after DH got home from deployment, but anytime we were alone I would find myself carrying my phone in the check on her just in case.