Let's discuss casual sex

[achase123]

This really isn't related to me because I don't have a ton of experience with casual sex or FWB but I wanted to get everyone's opinion. I've been reading a book that basically says casual sex goes against everything in a woman's hard wiring. It says that it CAN be done, but it's more difficult for women to separate their emotions from just the physical act of it.

What is everyone's opinion on this? I sure would like to think that we've come farther in society than this book would imply. I get that it may be a little more difficult to detach, emotionally from sex, but I still think it can be done. It was kind of depressing to read the author's take on things, like because we're women we are doomed to be celibate unless we're in a committed relationship.

I've done it before myself and actually had REALLy good sex with a former FWB. He was, in fact, the one who got attached and was upset when I started dating someone else.

I actually used to agree with this theory completely but I'm going on three years of being single (give or take some short term relationships) and it's very difficult to go without that human contact.

So what says the women (and you too JM) of SO? I know a lot of us are in similar circumstances and can give their perspective.

[aliciar6]

for me, that's not correct...up until DH, i have never associated sex with any emotional connotation, it was just a purely fun recreational activity. i will say i actually really enjoy vanilla sex with him because of the emotional attachement and don't need the crazy wild kinkiness to keep me entertained in bed and with that person...i was one to get bored quickly and easily. in college i loved having my FWB and my recycle list (drunk booty calls)

[bullygirl979]

I think casual sex can be had given you are in the mindset that you don't WANT anything more than that.

In the past I have had hook-ups and FWB (although not on a regular basis) and with everyone I went into it knowing it was just sex. I did have any delusions that maybe it would turn into more.

I think a common problem is that people go into wondering what it can turn into, or hoping for it to turn into something which can cause emotions to run higher.

[dakotadangerdog]

I definitely don't agree with the author. The last two guys I slept with I was unattached. Both guys were the ones to get upset, not me.

[Bernadine]

I'm not sure I could do a FWB, I think I would be likely to get emotional.

I think I could do a ONS.

I really don't know for sure about either- I have no experience (yet?).

[gozf]

I bristle at any statement that says ALL women/men/Australians/sheepdogs/pygmie goats/etc do THIS. Blanket statements make me itch.

Personally, I've had a pretty ample amount of casual sex. There were times that I got more attached. There were times where he got more attached. In general, though, I've noticed that my female friends have felt more bonded to someone after having sex than my male friends. Not always. But more than seldom.

Oxytocin. It's a powerful thing.

[roselis]

I think you can have casual sex without getting attached or without emotion. My casual sex guys number is a lot higher than the guys I have been in a relationship with.
I still see some of them regularly as they are in my friends group. And the feelings I have are only friendship. The best sex I've had was with a friend who turned into a one night stand.


One thing I found I have to be careful of is when I am creating a friendship with them and we sleep together. My first FWB post divorce and I slept together shortly after we met. He took my interest as interest in a relationship when I was just trying to work on our friendship. He backed off for a bit until I finally called him out on it and sorted out the mixup.

[wrathofkuus]

I think that people who talk about "women's hard wiring" are people who want to make women and men seem hopelessly different and mismatched unless, of course, you buy their book.

[achase123]

Agreed. I think it's completely possible for either person to get too attached, especially if they go into the situation with hidden expectations.

I just don't like the idea of generalizations-ie: men can fuck anyone without any sort of feelings/emotions coming about, and women are going to automatically get attached no matter how much they tell themselves they won't.

[omeomi]

I think I kinda fall in line with the kind of woman the author is talking about.

I've had one FWB in my life. And technically, I would call it more of a fling than an FWB thing. We both had feelings for the other one, weren't seeing/sleeping with anyone else, but the reason we never called it a relationship was because we both knew that I was planning to move within a few months.

I've never had a ONS. Never had what would be considered (IMO) casual sex. For me, that emotional connection is a part of sex and what makes it even better. I'm a relationship person.

Which explains why I've sometimes gone for well over a year being celibate.

I certainly don't agree at all that women are 'hard wired' to be like that. And obviously, casual sex without deep emotional connection or relationship does happen quite often with women. I'm just not one of them.

[heavenly]

Being totally honest here, I do someday want to be in a committed relationship. The thing about that is that we never know when that happens. It could be soon or it could 10 years down the road.

I don't have casual sex. I did in the past and it has always led into a relationship. Those relationships were not healthy because I gotten used to the comfort of having someone in my life. I also hooked up with some guys that were "dangerous", the side to them that you would not know until getting to know them better.
I think there is too many risks involved too, what if I got pregnant or got some kind of std or infections? I know I am person that cannot live with an abortion, I learned from my son that a child is the happiest thing that ever happened to me in my life so I know it is not something I can go through with and at the same time I am not in the position right now to be able to support another child.
I have a sensitive heart, I never got physically involved with the last guy I was kind of seeing and somehow knew early on that we would not be the right fit for each other and I still got pretty hurt. I think the hurt was more from disrespect more than anything but still.

I think human feelings are something not to mess with unless you absolutely know the other person is feeling the exact same way and true to his feelings.
I have to protect my heart and my son's. Even though my son will not see me go on dates or have these things going on... if I get hurt in anyways, he can sense it.
The risk outweighs casual encounters for me. There are times I just want to go hell with it and just have fun... but I have to remind myself there are consequences for me personally.

[achase123]

I can really see both sides of it. I guess that's why I wanted to discuss. I'm pretty contemplative about things and that's why I wanted to start the thread.

I think one of the most important things if you are wanting to have a casual relationship is to do it with someone who you are attracted to but NOTHING else. Like with the 23-YO (potential FWB) he's attractive, but he's 23. He never went to college, he wants to stay in our hometown and work on his family's dairy and he doesn't have too many aspirations beyond that. The brief interactions I've had with him have told me we have NOTHING in common.

With the former FWB he was a total bad boy, and by that time in my life the thrill of dating a bad boy was long gone. He made money through ways I wasn't sure about (ie: very questionnable) and he definitely had a different way of looking at life than I did. He was attractive (hello tattoos, his entire upper body was covered, yum) and he worked out constantly so he was in great shape. But that was it. There was nothing beyond attraction.

It's so funny, when I think back about my relationship with XH in the beginning stages, it makes me think, if I had been smarter, THAT situation would have probably just been a FWB thing. I was wildly attracted to him and....that was IT! We had no conversation, not much in common, and he was not the brightest bulb in the drawer, by any means.

[lovelybb]

I don't enjoy casual sex... I need to have an emotional connection with someone to really enjoy sex and have an orgasm. I tried it and have zero judgement against anyone that can... to each his own.

[leahmel]

Yeah, to say all men or women do this or that is just ridiculous. I know many men who have gotten attached to women they have slept with "casually". I also know that in both of my FWB situations of the past the guys started having feelings for me, and I was the one who wasn't having it. My current BF has not been with a lot of women because he was never down for casual sex and wants that emotional connection before he jumps in the sack. (and I love this about him!)

I also think for women it depends largely on where they are in their life and if they crave a relationship in general. I never got attached to my FWBs because I wasn't ready for anything serious. When I became ready and open to settling down, I no longer had casual sex because I knew that I couldn't emotionally handle it. I wanted a boyfriend and I knew I would be kidding myself and the guy if I said otherwise, even if the guy wasn't the "right one".

[blackkitty]

Personally I can only do casual sex as a ONS, I don't do well with a FWB situation. My last boyfriend started out as a FWB and we all know how that turned out.

[hainesherway]

Aug 28, 2012 14:33:30 GMT -5 mp said:

I've had casual sex. I enjoyed it for what it was. But after a few times/guys it was starting to feel a little empty. I don't regret it. Didn't get attached, but I'm at a point now where I'd prefer to sleep with someone that cared about me - even if it was a FWB type situation where we cared about each other on some level.

This is me also. I tried to mentally prepare myself to not get attached, but would still feel awkward when the guy left right afterwards (didn't spend the night).

[bowies]

I've never had a purely FWB or casual sex set-up, so I'll try to answer to the best of my abilities. Do I think it can be done? Absolutamente! I've had short-term relationships, some of which I entered into knowing full well they'd never develop into anything more (summer lovin, had me a blast...). I'd end up sad that it was over for my own selfish reasons, but not sad because of an emotional attachment. Does that make sense? I always felt better for the experience and never harbored any ill feelings.

I'm not one to subscribe to the "hard wiring" theory when it comes to human emotion though. Sexuality, yes. Feelings, no.

[explorer2001]

This is just me personally but I can't do the casual sex thing. I'm not saying it can't be done just that I can't do it.

[mclovin]

I've never done that. Not sure it is for me.

[jdbyogi]

XH was the first person I slept. We were not in a committed relationship yet when it happened, and it bonded me to him WAY to much. SO much so that I just couldn't see why we were so wrong for each other. I think it also made him hold too much power sexually in our relationship.

I have had a FWB situation since my divorce with someone I am actually friends with. We are able to still be friends, even though we haven't hooked up in a while (though I guess we did while out of town for a race a month ago...). I have sort of lost interest in the physical part and still have no romantic feelings for him. I think I sort of needed it, especially at the time that it started. I don't know if I'll ever do the causal sex thing again, it's really not my personality, but sometimes you do need that physical contact.