NHG: Those with kids, KU, or TTC, a question

[mrs.jacinthe]

What was the deciding factor for you in deciding you were ready to ttc/have a kid? I know this is a complex question, but if you can go past "we were ready" and be a little more specific, that would be great.

[wawa]

well, for the sorta abstract stuff, we both knew from the getgo that we wanted kids. We both actually like kids (which helps) and just always saw ourselves are parents some day. so that part was easy.

For the practical, we wanted to have a solid year of marriage just the two of us to enjoy ourselves and work out the kinks before we started TTC. But if we had started to TTC right then it could have easily meant I'd be KU'd during the PE exam. (big engineering all-day licsensing exam that is only given twice a year and that would freakin' suck) So we decided to wait until after we knew I had passed the exam. After that....it was time.

In retrospect it's kinda a good thing we had some trouble TTC because we'd never have the house ready in time if we'd gotten KU'd right off the bat, but we didn't realize that at the time.

Other considerations - socially having kids won't be a huge shift for us, so that didn't hold us back at all. Our close local friends all had kids the year we got married, so our casual GTG's already revolve around naptimes and bedtimes and bathtimes and getting babysitters or eating at family friendly places. If our friends were all kidfree that might have pushed us to wait longer, but they aren't, so it didn't.

I also always kinda wanted to have kids on the younger side - ideally I wanted to pop two out before I turned 30, but instead I'll turn 30 about a month after I have this first one. Such is life, and I'm not too fretted about it. But it did make me disinclined to wait any longer.

[emoflamingo]

I don't have a good answer for this, really. #1 was kind of a happy accident (i.e. we knew it could happen, just didn't expect it to happen so quickly) and #2 I had been ready for for 2-3 years and then H just said he was ready. I think it was the timing aspect of having them so far apart.

I think I would have had a second while in college, only because I wasn't in a very demanding program. The first was born about 3 years before I finally graduated and I wouldn't have gotten out of school any faster if he hadn't been born at that time, only because I switched schools and majors, so I had to catch up again.

[jhawks482]

We knew we wanted them- and I didn't want to wait until I was 30 to have children (nothing wrong with that). I'm turning 29 in a few months and we are done having children. For us, it was like "let's just do it". There was nothing holding us back- no college programs, no debt (except house), no traveling we wanted to do first. We could afford it, and we were just ready. No real strategy or thought behind it.

[ssmjlm]

Money was the biggest factor. I'm the breadwinner, so there wasn't any discussion of one of us staying home, but affording daycare and all the costs of children were a huge factor for us.

Secondly was age. I turned 30 this year and DH will be 40 next year. DH really felt that he wanted to be a dad by 40 (even if that meant were at least PG).

Also honestly it wasn't until the beginning of the year that kids were a serious discussion for us. We truly were on the fence time wise for a long time and knew that getting married. I also wanted to be married for a while before starting a family right away, it will be 4 years in October.

And another discussion we had was how far we would go to have a family. If TTC didn't work out, how badly did we want it? I think we were both prepared to be childfree if things didn't work out as I'm not sure DH or I could have handled the stress and financial costs of IVF.

ETA: We've always been a 1 and done couple. There was never any discussion past 1 so I think I was ok maybe waiting a bit longer.

[sjh722]

Like pp above, we always knew we wanted kids in the abstract sense.

I was 28 (turned 29 the week before I got a BFP) we were in an okay place financially, and decided we just had to go for it or we'd waffle and put it off forever. (So, I would say, 75% ready, 25% let's just wing it and see what happens!).

I felt better when several of my friends told me they had the same feelings when they decided to try (i.e. not OMG baby fever!, but hmm, okay, maybe we could do this.) We'd been married for almost 6 years, done some fun trips, spent a lot of time together, and were very comfortable with our routines with just us two.

I'm not sure if we want 2 or 3, but I would like to be done by the time I'm 35ish, so we figured we'd get a move on.

I feel like that's probably not a helpful reply at all, LOL, but I'm 12.5 weeks pregnant so we're excited and getting used to the idea! (And, also, I had mentally prepared myself that it could take 3-6 months + to get pg. It happened on the first cycle...sooo, also prepare yourself for that. I was shocked.)

[kaylie]

We originally talked about it two years ago and we thought we'd be ready a year after we got married. Our anniversary is September 18th and we're definitely still not there yet. H really thought I'd be gunning for it, but I feel like we have two to three years left before I'll be ready (I'd be 30 or 31 by then).

Financially, we need to be making more money to maintain our lifestyle and cover day care but the bigger issue is that I'm just not mature enough yet (and H probably isn't either). Almost everyone I work with has a kid, and when they tell me about how they had to spend all weekend cleaning up puke or supervising play dates that just doesn't sound like fun to me. Sure it would be cute and snuggly and it would love me and all that, but babies are gooey, oozing things that need lots of unglamorous upkeep. I think I'm waiting for my maternal pull to outweigh my aversion to that upkeep. I'm hoping it'll be some sort of light bulb moment, but I'm definitely concerned that I'll always just think "ewwwww."

[bunnymendelbaum]

We were bored with our lives honestly!

Well, not bored, but sort of like, "how much longer do we just want to keep going out on the weekends and working during the week? Same old same old we have been doing for the last 9 years?"

Plus, my DH was 38 and didn't want to be a super old dad. I was ready. Sadly, our house is not. I REALLY wish we would have finished renovating before having kids. We just DO NOT have time now.

[amblor]

H & I were one of those couples who discussed baby names while we were still dating. Not in a serious sense- just dreaming/planning about the future, etc. I've always worked around and/or directly with children, we both knew we wanted a family, our families are both tight knit families and we knew we wanted that too.

I've always wanted to have children when I was younger and we want three children with about two years in between them.

We wanted to have a house that was move in ready and we wanted H to be done with his trade apprenticeship by the time the baby was born (I graduated with my masters before we were married). We waited until we would be married for a year before we had the baby (stopped preventing three months before our first anniversary to get the BC out of my system). It wound up taking us 1.5 years to get pregnant so I'm glad we started trying when we did!

We don't have any other debt other than the house and now a new car payment.

Our "social scene" really wouldn't have been impacted. We rarely go out to places that aren't "family friendly" and our lives are very family orientated. A lot of my friends already have children (H not so much, but it won't really impact the times that he does go out now).

[pickle123]

We were both done with all the schooling we wanted to pursue....that was huge for us. I wanted to have my masters completed before even contemplating kids.

[Deleted]

We were bored?

I have no idea really. It just felt like time to move on. We'd been married 3 years when I was pregnant the first time around, did enough together, both moved up at work, were all around settled it was time for a new experience basically.

We both love kids and knew we didn't want to be "older" parents either. H turned 30 shortly after Hope and he was starting to feel old.

We're now considering baby 3 for no other reason than I want to be over and done with pregnant so I can enjoy my 30s and Rubes has a sibling close in age.

I will say waiting a bit was great for us. Honestly, I don't think our marriage would have survived Hope if she'd been born six months or something earlier. By that time we were both stronger, wiser, out of the Lalala phase and could handle life better.

[sjh722]

Aug 28, 2012 14:44:05 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

We're now considering baby 3 for no other reason than I want to be over and done with pregnant so I can enjoy my 30s and Rubes has a sibling close in age.

Do it! We can be pg together. ;D

[Deleted]

We figured why not. When we started trying we had been together for 8 years. MIL is retired and always said she would watch our baby. Then my mom joked that if we got PG that year, she would give me her car as the baby hauler and that would eliminate a car payment. I don't think she thought I'd get pg within a month of that offer though. Ha. DH had paid off his car. Although it totally wasn't practical for baby hauling and he got a second car. Finances were okay. Had a little bit of credit card debt. Which DH has paid off. I'm still working on mine and I've got some student loans but nothing. Dang shopping habit.

[Deleted]

Aug 28, 2012 14:45:27 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

Aug 28, 2012 14:44:05 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

We're now considering baby 3 for no other reason than I want to be over and done with pregnant so I can enjoy my 30s and Rubes has a sibling close in age.

Do it! We can be pg together. ;D

That would be awesome! I got until on October on the birth control and then it's go time. Only real reason we're waiting a bit is because I already paid for it and well...it's expensive.

Also, thanks for the baby announcement!

[sjh722]

Aug 28, 2012 14:49:38 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

Aug 28, 2012 14:45:27 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

Do it! We can be pg together. ;D

That would be awesome! I got until on October on the birth control and then it's go time. Only real reason we're waiting a bit is because I already paid for it and well...it's expensive.

Also, thanks for the baby announcement!

You must have missed it when I spilled the beans a few weeks ago! I can't figure out how to work a ticker on this website, LOL.

And I hear you on the BC expense, we waited until my AFLAC insurance kicked in to pull the goalie.

[mrs.jacinthe]

Thanks ladies. The reason I'm asking is because I've sort of started realizing that my parents (esp. my dad) aren't going to be around forever and it would be nice for them to at least meet their grandchildren.

We don't know 100% if we want kids at all, but I'm feeling like if we're going to do it, we should just get it going so that at least there's a chance our kids will have/know their grandparents.

We've been married 5+ years and we're both over 30, so it's not like we've got another 10+ years to make up our minds or anything. But I'm just so wishy-washy about it, and I can't tell if I legit want kids or if I just feel obligated b/c of aging/unhealthy parents, KWIM? I really like our lives the way they are ... *sigh* Why is this so effing difficult?

[Deleted]

Aug 28, 2012 14:55:21 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

Aug 28, 2012 14:49:38 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

That would be awesome! I got until on October on the birth control and then it's go time. Only real reason we're waiting a bit is because I already paid for it and well...it's expensive.

Also, thanks for the baby announcement!

You must have missed it when I spilled the beans a few weeks ago! I can't figure out how to work a ticker on this website, LOL.

And I hear you on the BC expense, we waited until my AFLAC insurance kicked in to pull the goalie.

How on earth did I miss that announcement? I've been in and out a ton around here, so it's no surprise! Sorry I missed it. I just sent you a FB PM congratulations too.

You'll be such a great Mom. FWIW...My kid is 1 and I'm still not sure kids are for me somedays. It's entirely worth it though. If I waited until was 100% sure I still wouldn't have any kids. If it was up to H we'd have like 6 by now.

[wawa]

ooohh. Yeah. I feel like the question of "Do I want kids at all?" is very different from the question of "Do I want kids right now?"

I answered the second one. But it sounds like you're actually struggling with the first one, it's just that the timing thing has made you actually deal with it instead of pushing it off.

[mrs.jacinthe]

Aug 28, 2012 15:07:54 GMT -5 wawa said:

ooohh. Yeah. I feel like the question of "Do I want kids at all?" is very different from the question of "Do I want kids right now?"

I answered the second one. But it sounds like you're actually struggling with the first one, it's just that the timing thing has made you actually deal with it instead of pushing it off.

Got it in one. We always said that we would pull the goalie after 5 years. Well, that came and went in July ... goalie firmly in place. If it weren't for my dad's failing health (and my MIL's ongoing, worsening health issues), we most likely would still not be even remotely considering TTC. This is where the pressure is.

I only knew two of my grandparents growing up and I feel like I sort of missed out a little, so if we're going to have kids we should do so before it's too late for them to know their grandparents and vice-versa. *sigh* But I like my life as-is and I don't particularly like other people's children very much. So it's hard for me to get excited about 9+ months of toting another person around and then 18+ years of responsibility at various levels. LOL

[ssmjlm]

Aug 28, 2012 14:57:04 GMT -5 mrs.jacinthe said:

But I'm just so wishy-washy about it, and I can't tell if I legit want kids or if I just feel obligated b/c of aging/unhealthy parents, KWIM? I really like our lives the way they are ... *sigh* Why is this so effing difficult?

We 100% realize that DH's parents won't be as involved as we would hope b/c of age and lifestyle. But we still wanted kids anyway.

It's hard, b/c geographically they are closer than my parents, but I've taken the rose colored glasses off to see they'll never be the doting grandparents around the corner.

[bunnymendelbaum]

My advice is don't do it until you are 97% sure. I have 2 sets of friends who weren't sure, but TTC anyway and both have had issues. They have admitted they don't enjoy their kids enough, miss their 'own' time and wish they would have waited.
Just my 2cents.

[roselis]

About a month before I got pregnant, XH and I had discussed about getting pregnant because I just had a pregnancy scare. I was unemployed and the breadwinner. Medication interaction and now I have DS.
I was never "ready" to have a kid. Financially or otherwise. But once I got pregnant, I did everything I could to make sure that I would be ready by the time he arrived. And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

[sjh722]

Aug 28, 2012 15:16:10 GMT -5 mrs.jacinthe said:

Got it in one. We always said that we would pull the goalie after 5 years. Well, that came and went in July ... goalie firmly in place. If it weren't for my dad's failing health (and my MIL's ongoing, worsening health issues), we most likely would still not be even remotely considering TTC. This is where the pressure is.

I only knew two of my grandparents growing up and I feel like I sort of missed out a little, so if we're going to have kids we should do so before it's too late for them to know their grandparents and vice-versa. *sigh* But I like my life as-is and I don't particularly like other people's children very much. So it's hard for me to get excited about 9+ months of toting another person around and then 18+ years of responsibility at various levels. LOL

We said 5 years too, but we weren't quite there yet at that point. I don't regret waiting an extra year at all.

And some people are perfectly happy being child-free! Do you know anyone personally who's chosen to go that route? It might help to get some thoughts from them too. (And I think there are some posters on MM who are child-free and might be able to give you some insight).

Also, I felt a lot better when my own mom told me she really didn't like other people's kids either (and she went on to have 4 of us, LOL).

[wawa]

I will offer my completely contradictory, largely anecodatal, and slightly flippant advice. Take it for what it's worth.

Most people aren't 100% about anything as big as kids. Even through my baby rabies I still had (have) moments of "omg, what the hell were we thinking? this is insane. I don't want to be in charge of another human for 18 years!" But most people end up very happy they had kids. I think 97% is a good number.

And as for liking other people's kids - my mom hated other people's kids. Was not shy about this fact. Hated sleepovers. hated birthday parties. Loved us. And rocks as a mom. she's one of my 3 favorite people in the whole wide world. I adore her. And she managed to raise 3 happy, healthy, high-functioning adults.

But at the same time - you don't HAVE to have kids. Your life is your own and kids aren't easy. the last thing you want is to deal with the pressures kids put on your life and your health and your marriage - and end up resenting the little turds for it when you don't find parenthood to be a fufulling and wonderful experience (because it isn't - not all the time). And who knows, maybe your kids will be freaked out by old people smell and not like their grandparents anyway.

[emoflamingo]

Aug 28, 2012 15:31:36 GMT -5 wawa said:

I will offer my completely contradictory, largely anecodatal, and slightly flippant advice. Take it for what it's worth.

Most people aren't 100% about anything as big as kids. Even through my baby rabies I still had (have) moments of "omg, what the hell were we thinking? this is insane. I don't want to be in charge of another human for 18 years!" But most people end up very happy they had kids. I think 97% is a good number.

And as for liking other people's kids - my mom hated other people's kids. Was not shy about this fact. Hated sleepovers. hated birthday parties. Loved us. And rocks as a mom. she's one of my 3 favorite people in the whole wide world. I adore her. And she managed to raise 3 happy, healthy, high-functioning adults.

But at the same time - you don't HAVE to have kids. Your life is your own and kids aren't easy. the last thing you want is to deal with the pressures kids put on your life and your health and your marriage - and end up resenting the little turds for it when you don't find parenthood to be a fufulling and wonderful experience (because it isn't - not all the time). And who knows, maybe your kids will be freaked out by old people smell and not like their grandparents anyway.

I relate to all this. I have moments of "OMG I SHOULD HAVE JUST GOTTEN ANOTHER CAT" (especially when tantrums or sassing are involved) and I generally dislike a lot of other people's kids.

[moonlight]

Aug 28, 2012 14:57:04 GMT -5 mrs.jacinthe said:

Thanks ladies. The reason I'm asking is because I've sort of started realizing that my parents (esp. my dad) aren't going to be around forever and it would be nice for them to at least meet their grandchildren.

We don't know 100% if we want kids at all, but I'm feeling like if we're going to do it, we should just get it going so that at least there's a chance our kids will have/know their grandparents.

We've been married 5+ years and we're both over 30, so it's not like we've got another 10+ years to make up our minds or anything. But I'm just so wishy-washy about it, and I can't tell if I legit want kids or if I just feel obligated b/c of aging/unhealthy parents, KWIM? I really like our lives the way they are ... *sigh* Why is this so effing difficult?

We should be friends. We are 32/37 and have been married 8 years. I had bad baby rabies in my early 20s and right when we got married at 24. By my mid-20s I was starting to get scared, and then I decided I didn't want kids at all. DH was no help as he has always said he could go either way and I decision was up to me. My sister had a baby last month (first in the family) and I am re-thinking things. While I have a desire I haven't seen in about six years, I have a paralyzing fear holding me back.

ETA: I like your use of "wishy-washy." For me it's more like a constant, every day, every moment, emotional torture that never ends.

[thewop]

The bathroom remodel was complete, I wasn't getting any younger, and we just felt it was the right time. Pretty simple for us.

[lmdbww]

I knew that I wanted to have a kid before I hit 30 (I actually went into labor a few days after lol) but I was really waiting for DH to get on board. Our first dog died tragically and I don't know, something just changed for DH and I can't explain it. I asked him one day after that if he had thought about it (TTC) and he pretty much gave me the green light to go off of the pill.

[hbomdiggity]

Aug 28, 2012 14:57:04 GMT -5 mrs.jacinthe said:

Thanks ladies. The reason I'm asking is because I've sort of started realizing that my parents (esp. my dad) aren't going to be around forever and it would be nice for them to at least meet their grandchildren.

We don't know 100% if we want kids at all, but I'm feeling like if we're going to do it, we should just get it going so that at least there's a chance our kids will have/know their grandparents.

We've been married 5+ years and we're both over 30, so it's not like we've got another 10+ years to make up our minds or anything. But I'm just so wishy-washy about it, and I can't tell if I legit want kids or if I just feel obligated b/c of aging/unhealthy parents, KWIM? I really like our lives the way they are ... *sigh* Why is this so effing difficult?

I could have written this post.

I changed careers and only settled in to the new career two years ago. I work a ton (lawyer). I just don't know how we'd find the time and money (hcol so expensive daycare).

My older siblings have kids so my parents have grand kids, but I want them to have a relationship with my kids too.

BIL is getting married in May and I have to switch bc method in June so I am thinking we will ttc next summer.

[countthestars]

We knew we wanted them, have been married over a year, and are about ready to buy a house (our own self imposed rules - I don't think a house is necessary for a baby). H's dad had some IF issues and we wanted to be able to get on top of them ASAP if they were passed down. We're on cycle 3 TTC.