Update & questions (especially for the Parents/SP)

[hainesherway]

I have some questions, especially for the parents/step-parents here. I thought about posting on blended families, but that board isn't very active.

For anyone who’s not familiar with my backstory, I’ve been seriously dating L since June of last year. He has an 8 year old DD. We were introduced when L and I were dating for about 3 months. L and I are getting close to becoming engaged, and I get along great with his DD. L recently let it slip that he has ordered an engagement ring ;D

I am super excited about our future. I have been reading books about being a step-parent to try to prepare myself for the challenges involved. Here’s one of my concerns.

When L was married to his XW, they let DD sleep in their bed, and they’ve both have let it continue to the present. She sleeps with her mom when she’s with her, and sleeps with L when she’s with him. I’ve talked to L about this, since I personally think she’s too old for this. I’m concerned that she will associate me with not being able to sleep with her daddy anymore (once we’re married) and blame me for it. I’ve encouraged him to try to get her to sleep in her own bed when I’m not around (which is most of the time, since I'm rarely there during the week, and usually only sleep over one night per weekend). So far, it seems he hasn’t been very successful with it, since when he does put her to bed by herself, she usually wakes up in the middle of the night and crawls in bed with him.

L is very traditional in the sense that he doesn’t want us to sleep in the same bed in front of DD before we are married. When I do spend the night over at his house, he sleeps with his DD and I sleep separately. My question is for parents/ parents in serious relationships:

- Does your child ever sleep in the same bed as you? If they used to, how old were they when it stopped?

- How soon did you sleep in the same bed with your significant other with your child home? Did you talk to them about it first?

- Did you wait until you were engaged or married before you slept in the same bed with your SO with your child home?

I may think of more, but that's it for now.

[starryfish]

I dont have any experience in this area, but i think you are awesome for thinking this thru before hand! :Y:

[doriswe]

I'm cringing a little at an 8 year old sleeping in the same bed with her parents regularly. Does my 8 year old DS hop in bed with me during storms or when he's had a bad dream, sure, but he goes to bed in his own bed every night. How does she do at sleep overs with friend's/family/etc? Could L maybe make a huge deal out of her being a 3rd grader (she's in 3rd, yes?) and how it's time to have her own space since she's a growing young lady? Maybe help her pick out new bedding or something?

- I never let my kids sleep with me (outside of sickness, scared, etc) because I was afraid to fall into this pattern and not knowing how to correct it.

-When I first had XH sleep over, he came over after the kids went to bed and was gone before they got up. We had sleep overs at each other's houses with the kids involved at 6 months, I think. I can't remember having a conversation about it, but I'm sure I did.

-XH and I bought a house before we were engaged, so we slept in the same bed long before we were engaged.

[starryfish]

Aug 28, 2012 15:59:56 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I'm cringing a little at an 8 year old sleeping in the same bed with her parents regularly.

Okay, me too, but since I am not a parent, I wasnt sure if I was "off" or not.

Although I know someone who still sleeps with her mom sometimes and shes 14...ugh

[achase123]

How old is his DD, I can't remember.

I was always of the mindset that DS needed to sleep by himself because we never slept well together. He will kick and turn sideways and it's a nightmare. Plus he insists on sleeping RIGHT next to me even though I have a queen sized bed.

Once in awhile he will still sleep with me, like I let him sleep with me Sunday night because he'd been gone all weekend, but I try not to make a habit of it. IMO, it's not a good habit to get into. He cries sometimes when I put him in his own bed, but it's a phase he's going through. He has always slept in his own room so I just have to be firm about it.

Sleeping with a SO with him home? Well I haven't had very many relationships so I can't really comment on this. I HAVE done it before, but I don't think it's a good idea. I would say if you were engaged it would be ok, but that's something you two will have to discuss. I like L's stance on it now.

Sidenote: I hope you two can really discuss all of this before you get engaged. It sounds like he's a really good dad and she's always going to be his priority. I remember you having issues before with the discussion about where you would live/where she'd go to school. Have you worked out those things yet?

[Deleted]

He needs to end it now...8 years old is too old to be sleeping with her dad.
they need to come up with a new bedtime routine in his house.

[hainesherway]

Aug 28, 2012 15:59:56 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I'm cringing a little at an 8 year old sleeping in the same bed with her parents regularly. Does my 8 year old DS hop in bed with me during storms or when he's had a bad dream, sure, but he goes to bed in his own bed every night. How does she do at sleep overs with friend's/family/etc? Could L maybe make a huge deal out of her being a 3rd grader (she's in 3rd, yes?) and how it's time to have her own space since she's a growing young lady? Maybe help her pick out new bedding or something?

- I never let my kids sleep with me (outside of sickness, scared, etc) because I was afraid to fall into this pattern and not knowing how to correct it.

-When I first had XH sleep over, he came over after the kids went to bed and was gone before they got up. We had sleep overs at each other's houses with the kids involved at 6 months, I think. I can't remember having a conversation about it, but I'm sure I did.

-XH and I bought a house before we were engaged, so we slept in the same bed long before we were engaged.

Believe me, I think it's weird too. I never slept with my parents when I was a kid, except for the rare occaision that I was scared by a storm or a really bad nightmare. I think it's rooted to the fact that it's what she's used to, since they never broke her of it before they were divorced, and the emotional trauma of the divorce perpetuated its continuation.

She does fine with sleepovers at friends' houses, at least since we've been dating. A few times before that, L has had to go pick her up from her friends' house because she wanted to go home.

I like the idea of L talking to her again and reminding her that she's getting to be a "big girl" going into the 3rd grade and needs to have her own space.

[blackkitty]

- Does your child ever sleep in the same bed as you? If they used to, how old were they when it stopped?
My son slept with me from age 5-6 only. He hasn't slept with me since he got back from spending the summer with his dad about a month ago, except one night when he was upset.

- How soon did you sleep in the same bed with your significant other with your child home? Did you talk to them about it first?
Way too soon, I thought I was being sly having him come over after my son went to bed and leave early in the morning but my son must have woken up early and come in my room b/c he asked me who was in my bed.

- Did you wait until you were engaged or married before you slept in the same bed with your SO with your child home?
no, see above

[stephbfan]

I wish him luck with trying to "sleep train" a 8y/o. I used to let DD sleep with me A LOT. It was so freaking hard to break her off the habit that once I did it, I promised myself never again.
I will let her sleep with me from time to time but I make it a point that she needs to go to her own room.

He needs to address it before you even get engages, otherwise, it would seem as if you are the one making her sleep in her own room and you will end up as the bad guy.

You can also post on Blended families on the bump. There are a lot of step moms that can give you good advice.

[howardandbear]

I'm not a fan of bed sharing after the infant stage. I agree with pp about getting a special bed set or bedroom make over. Also maybe try baby steps of sleeping on the floor next to the bed by dad the first few nights. Then move to her own bed with the sleeping bag ready to go if she doesn't make it thru the whole night. I don't think quitting bed sharing cold turkey would be very successful. But at 8yrs old it is time in both households. Her mom needs to get on board with it too.

[formerlyak]

Aug 28, 2012 15:51:10 GMT -5 hainesherway said:

My ds is 6 (was 5 when we moved in with fi). I have primary physical custody of my ds. 8 nights a month he is with his dad. 22 nights a month he is with me and fi). My answers are based on that.

- Does your child ever sleep in the same bed as you? If they used to, how old were they when it stopped? When I was married to ds' dad, he only came in our bed when he was sick or when he'd wake up at like 5 am (he was an early riser) and I wasn't ready to get up yet. His dad left int he middle of the night. That made ds very nervous that one day he'd wake up and I wouldn't be there. So once ex moved out, ds started climbing in my bed in the middle of the night. I didn't do anything to stop it because I knew it was a security issue for him and I wanted to do what I could to reassure him that I would never leave him. As fi and I started talking about moving in together, I started trying to get ds to sleep most of the night in his own bed. He'd protest for a bit and then I'd lay on his bed with him until he fell asleep. Then we got back to just coming in my bed for cuddles in the morning. We have been living with my fi for 7 months now and that's where we are at. DS will sometimes come in our room and climb in bed with me in the morning for half an hour or so. Fi knew this was part of the deal when we moved in and he really has no problem with it. As he gets older and more secure with his place in the world, he seems to be weaning himself off this.

- How soon did you sleep in the same bed with your significant other with your child home? Did you talk to them about it first? The first few times we slept at fi's house before we moved in, I slept in the guest room with ds. The first few times fi slept at my house with me and ds, ds camped out on the floor of my room. The first time we slept in the same bed without ds in the room was at my house after maybe 4-5 months of sleep overs. Then we did a few sleep overs at fi's house with me sleeping in fi's room with him and ds in the guest room. As we got closer to moving in to fi's house permanently, we started to do sleep overs there weekly as "practice" and let ds start filling the guest room with his stuff. Everything was very gradual. We did talk with ds about sleeping arrangements and tried to make sure he was comfortable with everything.

- Did you wait until you were engaged or married before you slept in the same bed with your SO with your child home? No. Is L super religious or are you? Is that where this part is coming from? I guess my feeling about it was that we were going to get married and we were going to sleep in the same bed when that happened, so why wait. There is no hanky panky going on when ds is home (which sometimes means we have to get creative since ds is with us a lot), so we have an open door all the time. He knows we are sleeping and that is that.

I may think of more, but that's it for now.

[hainesherway]

Aug 28, 2012 16:02:29 GMT -5 achase123 said:

How old is his DD, I can't remember.

I was always of the mindset that DS needed to sleep by himself because we never slept well together. He will kick and turn sideways and it's a nightmare. Plus he insists on sleeping RIGHT next to me even though I have a queen sized bed.

Once in awhile he will still sleep with me, like I let him sleep with me Sunday night because he'd been gone all weekend, but I try not to make a habit of it. IMO, it's not a good habit to get into. He cries sometimes when I put him in his own bed, but it's a phase he's going through. He has always slept in his own room so I just have to be firm about it.

Sleeping with a SO with him home? Well I haven't had very many relationships so I can't really comment on this. I HAVE done it before, but I don't think it's a good idea. I would say if you were engaged it would be ok, but that's something you two will have to discuss. I like L's stance on it now.

Sidenote: I hope you two can really discuss all of this before you get engaged. It sounds like he's a really good dad and she's always going to be his priority. I remember you having issues before with the discussion about where you would live/where she'd go to school. Have you worked out those things yet?

His DD is 8. This has been an ongoing discussion for a few months now, and unfortunately, there has not been much progress made to get her to go (and stay) asleep in her own bed. That's why I'm looking for new ides.

As far as moving in together, we haven't made a decision. Another big thing affecting the decision is that L has been unhappy at his job for quite a while now, and has just found a new job even further south (towards Ohio) than he is now. He's in negotiations with them, and it's looking like he's going to take the job. That would weigh things more towards me moving in with him, or (ideally) finding a new place to rent that we both can agree on. This would mean I would need to find a renter for my house, which I'm not thrilled about, but I will do of course.

[formerlyak]

What did happen with the discussion about where to live and being closer to her school, etc?

[formerlyak]

My post crossed yours! Oops.

Something that helped me get de to stop wanting to be in my bed every night was asking him why he liked my bed better (besides the obvious reason that then he could make sure I was there all night). He said the blankets and pillows were more fluffy and comfortable. I asked him if he wanted to make his blankets and pillows just like mine but in boy colors, and if we did that would he stay in his bed. He said yes. I had a big puffy white comforter and a lilac quilt on top of it. We went to the store and got him the same pillows, a similar white comforter in twin size and a boy color quilt. He helped me make it all up to look and feel like my bed. Then we hung stars and planets and such all over the room. Letting him make his room what he wanted like that really was the turning point for us.

[hainesherway]

Aug 28, 2012 16:23:32 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

Aug 28, 2012 15:51:10 GMT -5 hainesherway said:

My ds is 6 (was 5 when we moved in with fi). I have primary physical custody of my ds. 8 nights a month he is with his dad. 22 nights a month he is with me and fi). My answers are based on that.

- Does your child ever sleep in the same bed as you? If they used to, how old were they when it stopped? When I was married to ds' dad, he only came in our bed when he was sick or when he'd wake up at like 5 am (he was an early riser) and I wasn't ready to get up yet. His dad left int he middle of the night. That made ds very nervous that one day he'd wake up and I wouldn't be there. So once ex moved out, ds started climbing in my bed in the middle of the night. I didn't do anything to stop it because I knew it was a security issue for him and I wanted to do what I could to reassure him that I would never leave him. As fi and I started talking about moving in together, I started trying to get ds to sleep most of the night in his own bed. He'd protest for a bit and then I'd lay on his bed with him until he fell asleep. Then we got back to just coming in my bed for cuddles in the morning. We have been living with my fi for 7 months now and that's where we are at. DS will sometimes come in our room and climb in bed with me in the morning for half an hour or so. Fi knew this was part of the deal when we moved in and he really has no problem with it. As he gets older and more secure with his place in the world, he seems to be weaning himself off this.

- How soon did you sleep in the same bed with your significant other with your child home? Did you talk to them about it first? The first few times we slept at fi's house before we moved in, I slept in the guest room with ds. The first few times fi slept at my house with me and ds, ds camped out on the floor of my room. The first time we slept in the same bed without ds in the room was at my house after maybe 4-5 months of sleep overs. Then we did a few sleep overs at fi's house with me sleeping in fi's room with him and ds in the guest room. As we got closer to moving in to fi's house permanently, we started to do sleep overs there weekly as "practice" and let ds start filling the guest room with his stuff. Everything was very gradual. We did talk with ds about sleeping arrangements and tried to make sure he was comfortable with everything.

- Did you wait until you were engaged or married before you slept in the same bed with your SO with your child home? No. Is L super religious or are you? Is that where this part is coming from? I guess my feeling about it was that we were going to get married and we were going to sleep in the same bed when that happened, so why wait. There is no hanky panky going on when ds is home (which sometimes means we have to get creative since ds is with us a lot), so we have an open door all the time. He knows we are sleeping and that is that.

I may think of more, but that's it for now.

Thanks AK. L is more traditional than I am, as he was raised Catholic. I think he is more concerned about setting a "good example" for his DD than anything else.

[hainesherway]

I really appreciate everyone's replies and advice! Please keep it coming!

[doriswe]

I think she's going to need some buy-in on this deal since both of her parents have done it all these years. What about some cool night lights, glow in the dark stars or some music playing while she goes to sleep? I like how AK's son was able to say it was the comfy pillows and blankets and she was able to replicate that for him. Maybe have her make a list of stuff she likes at her friend's houses (cool bed, certain paint color, etc) and see if maybe a 3rd grade make-over is in order.

[formerlyak]

I get the "raised Catholic" thing. I was raised Catholic, but decided I didn't believe in a lot of the politics of the church when I was about 16 and stopped going. My mom was also raised Catholic, and she got to the point where she couldn't go to church anymore when so many priests were being accused of molestation. We both have our own relationship with God, and believe in the basics of the bible, but also believe that it was written in a much different time as a tool for guidance, not a mandate to be taken literally.

That said, when I got engaged to my ex, we got an apartment together and I said I'd stay with my parents until we got married to make her happy. She said if I was helping pay for the apartment, I might as well live there. I said, "OK" before she even realized what she said. But, what she did say later is that she noticed a lot of red flags when we lived together (unfortunately, I didn't) and thinks living together is actually a good idea.

I say all that to say that maybe you can set an example in a different way for her by living together. Show her how a couple works together. Grows together. Respects each other. Just a thought.

[formerlyak]

I agree with redvelvet that you should talk with him about your concerns but then follow his lead (unless you are super opposed to a parenting choice that may eventually affect kids you have together, then continue the discussion by all means). My cousin's therapist used the phrase "step parents, step back" to remind step parents that they are not the parent and they need to respect the parent's rules and wishes where their child is concerned.

With you moving in and getting engaged to L, despite how much his daughter loves you, she may feel threatened. If big rule changes happen in conjunction with this move (like no more sleeping in dad's bed), she can see you as the cause of these new rules. Know what I mean? So it would be in L's best interest to start finding ways to get her out of his bed now BEFORE you move in so it isn't something that happens BECAUSE you are moving in or something you "told her dad to do." Does that make sense?

[naeljun]

Does your child ever sleep in the same bed as you? If they used to, how old were they when it stopped? DD does come in my bed from time to time and there are nights that we will have a sleepover. She is 7 and for the most part I discourage it. I believe she sleeps with her dad when she is at his house as well. More than she sleeps with me. I make a huge deal when she stays in her bed all night. I think this helps a bit.

- How soon did you sleep in the same bed with your significant other with your child home? Did you talk to them about it first? N/A but I do know that when my ex stays at his GF house or they go away as a "family", they do not share a bed. DD sleeps with her dad and the GF sleeps with her DD

- Did you wait until you were engaged or married before you slept in the same bed with your SO with your child home? N/A

I really like the way L is old school and waiting until you are married/engaged before you sleep in the same bed. That shows a lot of respect to his daughter and is teaching her a great lesson.

[hainesherway]

Aug 28, 2012 17:31:13 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

He needs to be the boss.... 8 years old is way too old to be sleeping with her parents. Doesn't he want to sleep alone or think this is a bit odd?

Yes, he acknowledges that she needs to sleep in her own bed and wishes that he and his XW didn't let it go on for so long.

[heavenly]

I try not to judge co-parents and single parents as being one myself and I do catch myself doing some things differently with ds than if I was still married to eh.

As being a child of divorced parents, I had an awful experience when my dad remarried. The rules all of a sudden changed when we all started living together and I lost my "identity" and what my role was in the family. It was as if my feelings didn’t matter and I was submerged into a brand new family with brand new rules. This was because it was never discussed as family or the mindset of two families merging together was not there so the “boom” this is your new life all of a sudden. Your fiancé needs to step up and also take some steps to transition her to her own room in a pleasant and positive way and not commanded. I am sure she will be emotionally sensitive at this time. I think just by being understanding and sensitive to everyone's process of change will do wonders.

You will be an awesome step mom since you are already thinking about this in advance.

[prettyinpearls]

Everyone else has offered great advice/suggestions. Has L talked to his XW about this? What are her thoughts on her DD sleeping in the same bed as her? I think it’s important that both parents be on board. XH let it slip that he let DS sleep with him and his GF once and I was NOT happy. This was at the same time we were transitioning him to a big boy bed at our house, and I didn’t want DS thinking he could do it at daddy’s house AND momma’s house. It’s important for both parents to be on the same page.

Definitely have L be more strict with her. Does he wake up when she crawls into his bed in the middle of the night? If so, he needs to physically get up and take her back into her room. It’s almost like training a toddler who has just realized he’s not in a crib anymore If he doesn’t wake up, he needs to tell DD to wake him up when she comes into his room. I imagine she’ll stop doing that once she realizes that dad takes her back to her own room…but maybe it’ll work?

I love the idea of asking her what she wants her bed/room to be like. I think if she has a hand in making it over, she’ll be more inclined to stay there.

The biggest thing is for L and his XW to be consistent and patient. Do not give in!!

[hainesherway]

Aug 29, 2012 9:59:33 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

Aug 29, 2012 9:34:18 GMT -5 hainesherway said:

Yes, he acknowledges that she needs to sleep in her own bed and wishes that he and his XW didn't let it go on for so long.

Maybe with school starting he can start the change. I am sure being a parents sucks sometimes because you have to be mean and enforce rules but at this point he has his own his place and his own rules. If this little girl blames you it's not the end of the world... she will grow up and be thankful she wasn't like 11 or 12 and still sleeping with her dad? How long would this go on if you weren't getting married soon?

Regardless of me being in the picture, L is well-aware that this needs to stop before she is on the verge of puberty. I think around the ages of 9-10 it starts getting "weird".

[hainesherway]

Aug 29, 2012 10:11:05 GMT -5 prettyinpearls said:

Everyone else has offered great advice/suggestions. Has L talked to his XW about this? What are her thoughts on her DD sleeping in the same bed as her? I think it’s important that both parents be on board. XH let it slip that he let DS sleep with him and his GF once and I was NOT happy. This was at the same time we were transitioning him to a big boy bed at our house, and I didn’t want DS thinking he could do it at daddy’s house AND momma’s house. It’s important for both parents to be on the same page.

Definitely have L be more strict with her. Does he wake up when she crawls into his bed in the middle of the night? If so, he needs to physically get up and take her back into her room. It’s almost like training a toddler who has just realized he’s not in a crib anymore If he doesn’t wake up, he needs to tell DD to wake him up when she comes into his room. I imagine she’ll stop doing that once she realizes that dad takes her back to her own room…but maybe it’ll work?

I love the idea of asking her what she wants her bed/room to be like. I think if she has a hand in making it over, she’ll be more inclined to stay there.

The biggest thing is for L and his XW to be consistent and patient. Do not give in!!

Thanks PIP. L has not discussed this with his XW yet, but has heard from DD that she still lets her sleep in her bed. I agree that they need to talk, and have let him know. They have such a strained co-parenting relationship though that I'm not sure if/when it will happen. I'm just going to talk to him and let him know he needs to try some new tactics you lovely ladies have suggested.

Maybe he can try some subtle ones first such as talking about how she's a big girl now and needs her own space, getting new bedding so her bed is more comfy, and starting to enforce a consistent bedtime/routine now that she's going back to school. If those don't work, perhaps he will need to physically put her back in her bed. We shall see what happens...

[shopgirl07]

I think you're smart to be mindful of this and it seems like you'll make an excellent stepmother.

That said, I think it's heading into the creepy territory with an 8 year old sleeping with her father. The mother I can kind of let slide but I don't think an 8 year old girl should be sleeping with her father, or an 8 year old boy should be sleeping with his mother.

He needs to bite the bullet and tell her that she needs to sleep in her own bed the entire night. She isn't an infant who can't talk or understand. Maybe they can go pick out new bedding together but he needs to put his foot down. He's not doing her any favors by allowing this and the whole thing would be really concerning to me.

[udscoobychick]

I agree, RV--I don't remember ever being allowed to sleep with my parents. In fact, their room was very much their sanctuary--I was not allowed to even come into their room on any regular basis. If I needed something, I knocked on their door and waited for them to answer. They would take me back to my room with my glass of water or whatever I needed/wanted or sit with me in my bed until I fell asleep.

I now view my bedroom as my sanctuary, and no one is allowed in there but BF and me. It's my private spot, and I like it that way.