Settle a parenting debate

[wanderingenough]

DS is 12 weeks. He had been down to 1 MOTN wake up for a bottle for about a month (between 1-3am depending on bedtime). In the last week, no matter what time his MOTN feeding is, he wakes up unhappy at 4am. He started this last Monday AM, which coincidentally was the first day he was going to daycare. He isn't hungry, doesn't even open his eyes really, and isn't doing a blood curdling cry. When he does this cry during the daytime, H and I call it his fake cat cry because it generally just means "pay attention to me." Anyhow, I try a paci replacement which appeases him just long enough for me to get comfy back in bed. When that doesn't work, I bring him into bed with me and he falls asleep on my chest within mins. Sometimes I'll have to hold the paci in place while we both doze, but other than that I have been able to get him to 5:15am that way (which is when I wake up for the gym anyhow). My H thinks I need to leave him in the crib since he isn't wailing and is clearly still sleepy, and he will eventually give up and go back to sleep. He is worried I'm creating a new habit by bringing him in the bed. I think DS is right in the midst of a bunch of potential changes (growth spurts/leaps/new daily schedule with daycare) and he just needs some comfort. What say MMM?

Eta: I also think by ignoring the cat cry, it would turn into wailing and then it would be harder to calm him down.

[boiler717]

No BTDT advice but my gut would be to pick him up, give a paci, and soothe for 20 min then put back to bed. I find T soothes better when I give a 20 min focused attempt vs. trying to soothe while resting myself. It stinks to be out of bed but gives all of us better sleep.

[dcn]

I can't sleep when they are fussing so if he didn't stop after 5-10 min would get up and rock him or if that didnt work being him to bed.

[wanderingenough]

Jan 16, 2016 6:27:42 GMT -5 dcn said:

I can't sleep when they are fussing so if he didn't stop after 5-10 min would get up and rock him or if that didnt work being him to bed.

That's the other thing, it's not like I'm sleeping through it so I'd rather just get him back to sleep so I can rest some before my day starts/work.

[spankswife]

I have no idea lol! My almost 9 mo old is sleeping in my bed for 2 months now bc he was sick and got comfortable.

My only advice is try to avoid that. Which might mean you have to stay up and rock him. I couldn't let a 12 week old baby just cry. Maybe if you can tell it's a sleepy cry, and he'll fall back asleep within 5 min.

[pennylane]

I'm team whatever gets everyone back to sleep the fastest at that age. So I would be doing (and did) the same as you.

[VillainV]

I would let it go a few min to see if it escalated or if he went back to sleep. With C, it was about 50/50 if it would escalate or not, but was pretty clear in a few minutes. But if it stayed the same or escalated, I went in to soothe him.

[ECB]

Id' try to rub his back/ soothe him while he's still in his crib.  While I feel that 12 weeks is a bit early to form habits, at the same time, if you don't want him to get used to sleeping with you, I'd do what I could to avoid that. Because it might become a habit/ the 'easy' way out for YOU!  It's not even all about him1

 We had a rocking chair in DSs room that I'd use if I felt I needed to pick him up/ hold him for a bit.  I could sit in it and relax while holding him on a boppy. 

[G22]

Jan 16, 2016 7:27:38 GMT -5 pennylane said:

I'm team whatever gets everyone back to sleep the fastest at that age. So I would be doing (and did) the same as you.

This is where I am.

My LO one is one week younger than yours OP. Granted, our situation is different in that he just started sleeping in the crib this week for the first time. He will give me a good stretch of 4-5 hours at first and then it goes downhill. By the time I get to 5am, I so tired of continuing to get out of bed, that I just bring him to bed with me for a couple hours. I'm just in survival mode at that point in the night and want to get both of us back to sleep as quickly and easily as possible.

I'm not too worried about it being a habit. He was sleeping in bed with us for the first 10 weeks, so we've still made progress since he will actually sleep in the crib for half the night now.

[curbsideprophet]

I would not let a 12 week old just cry in his crib. I would probably avoid bringing him to our bed but would try to get him back to sleep. At that age I would start with nursing and go from there.

Sleep is not a linear progression. It can be good for awhile then something changes and there are more wake ups.

[G22]

I will also throw out that my H doesn't help much through out the night with exception of a diaper change occasionally. So he's not the one trying to get the baby back to sleep constantly. So that probably taints my opinion. If he didn't want the baby in the bed, he could try putting him back to sleep for me a time or 2. Just saying.

[humpforfree]

Jan 16, 2016 8:12:14 GMT -5 G22 said:

I will also throw out that my H doesn't help much through out the night with exception of a diaper change occasionally. So he's not the one trying to get the baby back to sleep constantly. So that probably taints my opinion. If he didn't want the baby in the bed, he could try putting him back to sleep for me a time or 2. Just saying.

I'm here. Lol. Luckily my H doesn't care (or at least doesn't say anything) about the baby being in bed each night. She's been starting the night in the RNP but after a couple of hours wakes up and then wakes up hourly all night. So yeah, I'm not going to keep getting her and putting her down all night just to repeat. I need some level of sleep to function with the baby and a toddler.

[luv2rn4fun]

Team you. C's sleep went downhill at 11.5 weeks. It started just like this. At first I tried nursing, then soothing (all to put him in the RNP in his room but eventually the only thing that "worked" was co sleeping. Even that didn't work because he was up and nursing A LOT until I sleep trained at 4 months. But it was what got everyone the most sleep, however little that was.

KOKO for now unless your DH wants to step in. Trying to soothe a little baby MOTN when you are tired yourself is n it fun and can be a losing battle...sometimes easier to just give in til you sleep train and break the "habit".

Also, my doula (who coached my sleep training) said 4a is a very natural wake time,even for adults. Meaning there is a sleep cycle transition at that time where everyone wakes up....the difference is babies just don't have the skills to get themselves back to sleep and the fuss. How long do you leave him before going in? You can always try waiting a couple minutes and seeing if he puts himself back to sleep (unlikely though if he's looking for the paci to help him).

[missbella]

I don't really have any advice but my DS always woke at 4am no matter what for a long time, maybe close to a year (he was a crappy sleeper anyway). I always tried to get him back down in the crib first. What usually happened was I would nurse and he would fall asleep then wake up as soon as I put him in the crib and then I would take him to my bed. After a while I just took him straight to bed with me for any wake up at or after 4 because he would immediately go back to sleep. I still do this at almost 20 months but he pretty much sleeps through the night and I bring him in at 6-6:30 and its because I am lazy and want to rest a little longer.

It doesn't have to be a long term habit though, you can choose to change it when it's not working for you. I,personally prefer to sleep so I deal with the baby in the bed.

[ewall]

It's difficult to create "bad habits" with a 12 week old. So much will change with his sleep over the next several months. I'm with you, bring him into bed. We did that and DS survived

[Deleted]

Team you. I often did the same thing with my son at that age. He went on to sleep just fine in a crib;)

[NandaB]

I think it all depends on if you want him in your bed or not. We are firmly a no kids in our bed family (except morning, already acceptable to be awake morning snuggles). No judgement of people who do bedshare, its just not for us. So in this instance I would wait a few minutes to see if baby would settle down and if not I would pick him up and snuggle/paci/diaper if needed and then lay him back in his crib when he fell asleep, just like I would at midnight, or 2 am...

[awkwardpenguin]

I would let him fuss 1-2 minutes to see if he settles, and after that I would rock him back to sleep. I prefer not to have the baby in my bed though. Team whatever works.

[jsillyfun]

They are little such a short time. I comfort and cuddle whenever they need it.

[anna7602]

Jan 16, 2016 6:24:56 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

No BTDT advice but my gut would be to pick him up, give a paci, and soothe for 20 min then put back to bed. I find T soothes better when I give a 20 min focused attempt vs. trying to soothe while resting myself. It stinks to be out of bed but gives all of us better sleep.

Depends on your kid and on you. I prefer to rest myself than be up for 20 minutes. 20 minutes up with DS means another 20 or 30 of me trying to get back to sleep myself. My MOTN mo is to bring DS to bed with me and we both go back to sleep. But he only wakes MOTN when sick or teething, so this is only happening maybe once a month or so. I gave up on the idea of creating bad habits many years ago with DD.

Basically, whichever parent is getting up MOTN gets to decide how to handle it. If DH gets up and wants to spend time trying to get DS back to sleep in his own crib, he certainly can. But that's not always the case.

[wanderingenough]

Thanks everyone!

For those that asked, my H has been rotating the MOTN feed with me now that I'm back to work. That has been a huge help! I just have been handling these new 4am wakeups myself, so I have been doing whatever gets me the most rest. Our "plan" (ha!) was similar to NandaB and awkwardpenguin in that we weren't going to have him sleeping in the bed. Now that DS is actually here, I don't mind doing it just in the mornings because I a) get extra cuddles now that I'm back to work, and b) I have trouble falling back asleep if I get up and do the rock/comfort thing for an extended period. So then my day literally begins at 4. H doesn't care either way, he just likes to stick to the "plan."

I might just try some quick back rub/soothing if it happens again tonight and see if that helps at all.

[NandaB]

Jan 16, 2016 15:49:37 GMT -5 wanderingenough said:

Thanks everyone!

For those that asked, my H has been rotating the MOTN feed with me now that I'm back to work. That has been a huge help! I just have been handling these new 4am wakeups myself, so I have been doing whatever gets me the most rest. Our "plan" (ha!) was similar to NandaB and awkwardpenguin in that we weren't going to have him sleeping in the bed. Now that DS is actually here, I don't mind doing it just in the mornings because I a) get extra cuddles now that I'm back to work, and b) I have trouble falling back asleep if I get up and do the rock/comfort thing for an extended period. So then my day literally begins at 4. H doesn't care either way, he just likes to stick to the "plan."

I might just try some quick back rub/soothing if it happens again tonight and see if that helps at all.

You will find what works. If he can go back to sleep with a paci and a patpat that's like, super handy and I would roll with it. That's awesome. He may only need a few minutes to cuddle and then fall back asleep easily. Personally I would rather snuggle on the couch and then go stretch out in my own bed sans baby, even if I didn't fall back asleep myself, but that's all personal preference.

ETA: I am also (usually) a SAHM, so I am perfectly content to save my snuggles for daylight, lol

[isabel]

I feel like it's so hard to give advice about stuff like this because every kid and situation is different. If it were my kid, I would leave him for at least 10 minutes, but probably not more than 15. If he settles, great. If not, I would get up and nurse him back to sleep. I never ever take DS to our bed though. Bed sharing doesn't work for any of us, including him.