Tell me I'm normal

[humpforfree]

Just an FYI but this will probably be long and rambly. I just need reassurance please.
L and E are 19.5 months apart. Our game plan was 2-2.5 years apart but I got baby fever and we just kind of gambled, and here we are.
L was a magical unicorn baby, and I knew how spoiled I was while it was happening. He slept well, let me put him down, only cried if he was hungry or tired, easy to settle, generally just all around pleasant. E has been high maintenance. She is basically the opposite from Lane in all aspects above. Fine. She's a baby and I can deal.
I just feel so ambivalent towards her. I don't feel bonded at all really. I don't know that I would feel anything if she were, say, a foster kid who were to leave tomorrow. I have felt this way since she was born. After she was delivered I was happy to let H hold her and I just was meh. I don't know if it's because of the actual delivery, that she's a difficult baby, or just general needing time to bond.
I feel so guilty and SAD for her that she's like this helpless little baby that everyone feels meh about. I felt so different with L. Like I would miss him even if I was with him all day, but just hasn't cuddled as much as normal. I like cuddling/holding E, but really I could take it or leave it. Maybe because I don't really get to put her down? And definitely not for long stretches.
At first I was okay with not feeling anything special for her since I know it can take awhile to bond. But as time passes (she's 4 months next week), I'm feeling worse about it because nothing is really happening and I feel guilty that I like(d) Lane so much more... I don't think I have any ppd or anything going on, and I may just be feeling worse because I am more exhausted now? She is sleeping worse than when she was a nb. But when/how do I know the line between exhaustion and something else? I feel overwhelmed, but I have 2u2, lol, and feel bad I can't pay enough attention to Lane. Then I wonder if I'm not bonded with the baby (as much?) because I can't just focus time on her like I did for her brother. So basically I feel like I am a crap mom to both right now.
So, tell me it will get better and that I am normal for not being all gaga over my baby yet, please? I hate feeling like I am rushing her to get older, I looooooved L's baby time and hated him getting older. Guilt guilt guilt.
(I have an iud check appt with my ob in a few weeks and can chat with her then if I need to.)

[Patsy Stone]

I was in the same situation as you. My kids are 19 months apart. My first was such an easy baby. My second was much more high maintenance (still is). I went through the motions, but didn't really bond with him until about 4 months in. Now, he is still my more difficult child but I love him just as much as my daughter and couldn't imagine my life without him. Sorry you're having a rough time, hang in there.

ETA I don't want to diminish your feelings. It's worth a mention to your dr.

[Saudade]

You are normal. I'm sorry this is happening


Go talk to your doctor about PPD.

[WillabyWallabyWu]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. My son was a difficult baby and I remember a friend asking me if I was obsessed with him and I said no. That was the first time I realized that I didn't have this immense and overwhelming connection with him. It was around 6 months when I first felt an big emotional connection. He's almost two now and we are perfectly bonded. It doesn't always happen right away for everyone.

[bananapancakes]

You are totally normal. E sounds a lot like my L (and rugbywife's P!) so I totally get the exhaustion. That being said, I think a chat about PPD with your doc couldn't hurt. Hugs to you!

[noodleoo]

This does sound like some element of PPD to me. It sounds like you had a rough delivery? I did too and I had pretty much no interest in my DD after she was born. I was too traumatized and exhausted. It definitely took a few weeks for the feeling to wear off. And she is also an easy baby, good sleeper. I remember the first few weeks with sleep deprivation. I didn't start feeling better until I got at least 4-5 hrs sleep, and I was lucky that it started pretty early. So with 2 kids and no sleep, I can't imagine how hard it is. I would talk to your OB for sure. And hugs, it is hard, but it won't always be like this.

[jeaniebueller]

I felt like this about DS as a newborn and I truly believe the combo of sleep deprivation and PPD caused it.

[namasteak]

Big hugs sweet friend.

You are exhausted and have 2 young children so please cut yourself a little slack. PPD has many different symptoms and difficulty bonding is one of them.

I had a the worst pp hemorrhage my midwife has ever seen with ds1. I had a rough recovery and a high needs baby which I think contributed to my PPA/PPD. I definitely had difficulty bonding with him because of it.

[cheeseandcrackers]

i agree with everyone.
it just sounds like you have a hard kid so you're not all gaga over your baby and that's okay.. they are hard, especially at this age. you'll like her soon enough.

[chickens987]

Hugs. Even if it's just exhaustion, meds may help you cope with that. I am a firm believer in better living through chemistry; it doesn't have to be long term.

[bdubs419]

I had a very similar experience... DS1 was colicky but he eventually outgrew it and slept well. DS2 was so so so much worse. He had awful colic and reflux. We were mostly FFing and I couldn't even hold him to feed a bottle. The only way I could get him to eat was to rock him in the swing and feed him at the same time (he also had torticollis so I am not sure if this was part of it). Anyways, I had a horrible time bonding with him at 1st. It was really tough. I will say though when things started getting easier I bonded so hard/fast. I almost feel like I have a stronger bond with him now because of all the shit we went through together.

So short story is yes I think it's normal... But looking back I probably was dealing with PPD which I didn't want to admit at the time. Also, the sleep deprivation made me feel like I wasn't at all myself.

[humpforfree]

I thought about saying something when I was at the dr this week getting the iud, but I didn't know what to say besides "I don't really like my baby and I'm tired." Well lots of people don't like babies and are tired, you know? I just don't even know what to say to her.

[kaycee]

You are totally normal. I had a difficult first baby. Everything was hard from pregnancy, delivery, recovery, feeding, sleeping ,etc. This time everything is easier and I have a lot of guilt that I am enjoying my DS as a baby a lot more. Hindsight makes me realize I had probably had PPA with DD. I felt bonded, but I was too anxious to enjoy all the stuff it seemed like everyone else loved about babies.

I do think there is a big difference in the bonding you can do with a difficult baby vs. an easy baby. A difficult baby always seems like a chore and you have less time to enjoy it because when you have time you want to do something for yourself.

I will say that it got way better and my DD and I are so close now. Two young kids is all about survival, so try not to guilt yourself about this. Mention it to your doctor though.

[miamigirl]

Hugs! I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

Definitely talk to your OB about it

[quesyrah]

You are definitely lot alone but I do think you could have PPD/PPA.

DS (my oldest) was a very difficult baby. He was so high needs, had reflux and colic and cried. All the time. And never slept.

I didn't really feel like I bonded with him until he was around 6 months. I did seek help for PPD though and things really improved once I did.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way but please have a conversation with your OB

[mekia]

I have a 4 month old DD too. My kids are 20 months apart.

I will say that I didn't think DS was a difficult baby, he was pretty easy. DD is even easier so far. But I seem to have some similar feelings that you're having. I bonded instantly with DS and was so in love from the minute I found out I was pregnant. DD was different, I didn't enjoy my pregnancy and I was basically dreading having her born and to mess up DS' perfect life. I cried so much after DD was born.

I love both of my kids, but I still feel like I am more bonded with DS. It may be because I know him better and longer? I feel bad that I'm still getting there with DD. I look at her and see a cute baby and feel sad that I still don't feel as bonded with her.

Sometimes it feels like I'm taking care of her because "I am supposed to and because she's my responsibility"- do you know what I mean?

I'm just giving it time and telling myself that this is totally normal. I hope this commiseration helps. If you think your feelings are getting worse, I would talk to someone though.

Hugs.

[statgirl]

Mine are 2.5 years apart and at 4 months I remember thinking I loved DS2 but in a way I regretted him. He was cry-ey and had reflux, the toddler was whiney, neither was sleeping well, my gallbladder was acting out, the toddler had brought a potential parasite/stomach bug from hell home, the baby had been hospitalized twice, and I was back at work teaching on a weird schedule. I called my OB and said I thought I had PPD but the nurse thought it was situational. Regardless, I pushed back and got on a trial of Zoloft and made some lifestyle changes/purchases. Medicine can help. Ds2 is now almost 8 months and I am in a much better place. I love him as much as the first and don't regret him. Plus, me getting in a better spot led to my husband getting in a better spot because I could cope with more of the household stuff when he couldn't.

[rugbywife]

I am in church so I can't reply right now but am posting here so I will remember to come back.

Rest assured, your feelings are shared.

[humpforfree]

Jan 17, 2016 10:13:50 GMT -5 mekia said:

I look at her and see a cute baby and feel sad that I still don't feel as bonded with her.

Sometimes it feels like I'm taking care of her because "I am supposed to and because she's my responsibility"- do you know what I mean?

Very very much this is the sadness that I was trying to get at.

[Deleted]

Jan 17, 2016 10:06:35 GMT -5 humpforfree said:

I thought about saying something when I was at the dr this week getting the iud, but I didn't know what to say besides "I don't really like my baby and I'm tired." Well lots of people don't like babies and are tired, you know? I just don't even know what to say to her.

Having trouble bonding with the baby is a symptom of PPD/PPA. As is exhaustion though it's difficult to separate from lack of sleep. It's worth a conversation.

[mellymel]

You are normal, you may just be struggling a little right now. Definitely talk to your doctor about it. Maybe even print off what you wrote here.

I felt similar when DD was born. She and DS are 23 months apart. In retrospect, I probably had undiagnosed PPD after the birth of both of my children.

Big hugs.

[dcn]

Just giving big hugs. This having two kids thing is not as easy as j thought. Talking to your OB is a good start.

[anna7602]

Big, big hugs. I'm not in the same situation at all, but my easier child is the younger one and I definitely find it easier to be around him for long periods of time than with my older, "spirited" child. I stay home with DS at least 2 days per week on my own and it's NBD, but my stress levels are very high when DD has a full day off from school.

[barefootcontessa]

I think it is very normal to be super excited about everything your first child does because it is all new. The second time around everything is not all shiny and new, and it is also a lot harder to manage things because you have a toddler who needs attention and supervision all day long. I definitely felt the way you do now -- and still do at times with my difficult children. I guess the issue is whether your feelings affect how you interact with the child. Sleep is definitely a big issue for me. When I am overly tired, it is much more difficult for me to not allow my negative feelings to affect how I interact with a difficult child. This is why sleep is my number goal right now. Is there a way you can hire a sitter so you have some time to rest? Hang in there.

[Deleted]

Hugs. I had trouble bonding with Ethan too. Traumatic birth, BFing struggles, shorter maternity leave. I also felt like because two year olds are so demanding (but fun sometimes) babies seem boring in comparison. Anyway you are normal. Now that Ethan is six months he's developing more of a personality so I'm enjoying this age.

[humpforfree]

barefootcontessa I would love to have a sitter come so i could sleep, but the baby doesn't settle without boob. I'm actually leaving her today for the longest chunk of time that I have yet, so we will see how she does with H I guess.

[kdubs923]

Our kids are roughly the same ages right now... DS is a little older than L and DD is younger than E.

DD isn't as needy as what you're dealing with, but I do think the bonding is just totally different, and could be similar for you. With DS I was with him 24/7 and obsessed with his every move, smile, or fart. Now, I love DD and would protect her, but I don't think she's particularly fun or interesting at this stage. And I just don't have 24/7 to devote to her with an active toddler in the house.

I'm hoping this is normal. Just dealing with two very different newborn experiences. Of course, it's worth mentioning to the OB if you're going to see them soon. But know that it's ok to have different feelings and different experiences with your kids. They're in such different stages right now, it's tough to compare. It doesn't mean you don't love E.

Hugs!

[leonard131]

I do think it may be worth talking to someone about PPD. But I can also say what you are describing seems petty normal to me in my reality. M was a really really high maintenance baby. I don't even think I really liked him until he was 6 months ( flame away). It really wasn't until he was a 1 year that I had what I wold equate to full on love. It just felt like so much work for nothing in return. Hugs- you are a wonderful mom.

[sierramist03]

While I don't have two under two I do know how you feel. I did speak to my doctor and feel it really helped. I just approached the conversation as my moods were really up and down which is normal at first but not 5 weeks pp.

[kdubs923]

humpforfree

At your appointment, did they screen for PPD? I was given a questionnaire and my OB went over the answers with me. That could be a good opening for discussing what you're feeling.