Post by formerlyak on Jan 21, 2016 18:44:15 GMT -5
Honestly, it's none of the school's business who a family invites to a birthday party. I get the "invite all the boys in the class" think if you are passing out invites in class, but if you are only inviting 10 kids, you are inviting 10 kids and not everyone gets to go.
DS is 4th grade and he gets invited to a lot of parties, but not all. When kids started narrowing their lists we just had a chat about how we won't always be invited and that's fine. Just like he picks who he wants there based on the number I give him. It doesn't mean the person hates you or doesn't want to be your friend. It means they had a number they could invite and you weren't in that number. Kids need to learn this. It's an important life lesson. And as long at the other kids aren't teasing the kids who didn't get invited it's not bullying.
It's all fine and not a big deal unless/until your kid is repeatedly left out. One of the crappiest parts of parenting so far has been watching parents join in on the "bullying" and exclusivity shit. I hate it!
Eta some of the most popular girls are themselves bullies. It's not as if it's a bunch of nice girls heading up these social situations.
It's all fine and not a big deal unless/until your kid is repeatedly left out. One of the crappiest parts of parenting so far has been watching parents join in on the "bullying" and exclusivity shit. I hate it!
Eta some of the most popular girls are themselves bullies. It's not as if it's a bunch of nice girls heading up these social situations.
Ok, here is what I don't get.
I assume, if a child is not invited to a party, that child is not a friend of the birthday celebrant.
If they're not friends (i.e., don't play with each other at other times), why would the uninvited child care about not being invited to a party of a child who is not a friend?
I recently heard of a story at our school where Girl A was being bullied by Girl B. Girl A was given advice and tools to try and deal with/ avoid the bully. In her efforts to do just that - avoid the bully, Girl A got pulled into the office for BULLYING the bully. Girl Bs mom was claiming that by avoiding and not talking to her, Girl A was bullying her.
What is UP with the bully's moms fighting their fights and making other kdis out to be bullies??
It's all fine and not a big deal unless/until your kid is repeatedly left out. One of the crappiest parts of parenting so far has been watching parents join in on the "bullying" and exclusivity shit. I hate it!
Eta some of the most popular girls are themselves bullies. It's not as if it's a bunch of nice girls heading up these social situations.
Ok, here is what I don't get.
I assume, if a child is not invited to a party, that child is not a friend of the birthday celebrant.
If they're not friends (i.e., don't play with each other at other times), why would the uninvited child care about not being invited to a party of a child who is not a friend?
Exactly.
It's good to be kind to people, but nobody has to be friends with everyone and do things with others, even kids. Having a group of friends you get along with better isn't exclusion, it's... normal.
Post by cupcake0214 on Jan 21, 2016 18:58:31 GMT -5
I am a school counselor and the anti bullying specialist in my school. I would not of gone into the classroom because it is not bullying. I would have talked to the student who felt left out about her feelings. Like others said if she was being excluded and taunted then that would be different, I have bullying cases that the parents initiate and the students are friends the next day.
It just seems like from the description the parents are irritated by the mom and letting that affect whether they offer an invite to this child. I'm rushing so maybe I'm reading it wrong.
Post by snipsnsnails on Jan 21, 2016 19:04:13 GMT -5
I dunno, I mean you are only getting one 3rd grader,s version of events here. Was the uninvited girl at the same lunch table? You said the girl said it quietly, but was overheard. In a cafeteria of 22+, it would take some volume to overhear. I guess what I'm saying is that I need to trust the counselor to adequately assess the situation and implement tools so it doesn't get out of hand and become a bullying situation if it's not already. No slight against your daughter, but the truth probably is somewhere in the middle, ya know?
No, not bullying, but as Lucy says, they do need a lesson in kindness. In your OP you say it's ridiculous that they even have to consider being a little discreet about their parties, and I strongly disagree. it's just not kind to go on about something that people are excluded from, and it's possible that it comes across as taunting.
I'm glad they're involving the counselor, because theoretically the counselor is neutral and assessing BOTH sides of the interaction.
no I don't think it's ridiculous to be discreet. I think it's ridiculous that it has gotten to the point that both moms felt the need to put it on the invitation.
Good golly, I missed the part where the moms sent in a note. Well then. O.o.
My parents always taught me not to be a tattle tale.
Funny H story! I asked him if he'd ever heard the phrase, "snitches get stitches," to which he replied, "Well, I've heard the phrase 'nobody likes a tattle tale.'" LOL totes the same. We had a good chuckle!
Lunch in the counselor's office seems really extreme for this. My son is in 3rd grade and he'd be devastated if he had to do that because he's anxious and would feel like he's in trouble.
I also think the whole thing is dumb. I don't think it's a big deal to talk about things that you did over the weekend or mention you like some shopkins you got. That is expecting a lot from kids that are 8/9 years old. Sure, don't be like haha you weren't there you loser but saying "I had fun at your party - the shopkins are so cool!" should not be outlawed because of someone else's feelings. I think making that out to be unkind does a huge disservice to this girl who apparently is feeling hurt because it makes it a bigger deal than it needs to be. It makes it more like she's excluded IMO vs it just being a fact that only 5 of 22 girls were there.
We do a ton of stuff with one of my son's friends because his sister and my daughter are in the same dance classes and are best friends. The boys are on the basketball and football team together so it often comes up that we have plans or did something together in front of the other people. It's not because we don't want to do stuff with other people - it's as simple as their sisters are best friends and we have similar extracurricular schedules because the boys are in the same ones and the girls are in the same ones. It's not a big deal to anyone, nor should it be because it's not really about anyone else.
Maybe this girl is being left out because she's a pain or her mom is a pain, idk. But dancing around it and acting like things have to be secretive just makes it worse IMO.
I dunno, I mean you are only getting one 3rd grader,s version of events here. Was the uninvited girl at the same lunch table? You said the girl said it quietly, but was overheard. In a cafeteria of 22+, it would take some volume to overhear. I guess what I'm saying is that I need to trust the counselor to adequately assess the situation and implement tools so it doesn't get out of hand and become a bullying situation if it's not already. No slight against your daughter, but the truth probably is somewhere in the middle, ya know?
I agree. When I was in 3rd grade back in the 1980's, girls were starting to get really catty towards each other at that age. There was a lot of excluding from social circles and dropping friends for dumb reasons.
I would also question how quietly they were talking and whether it was really an accident that the other girl overheard them.
Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:
Leaving someone out on purpose
Telling other children not to be friends with someone
Spreading rumors about someone
Embarrassing someone in public
From this site:http://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/definition/
Kudos to the counselor for starting a dialog with the girls since their moms' admonitions to "Not chit chat" were ineffective. Perhaps the experience of discussing what transpired will help them become more socially competent and mindful of the etiquette surrounding an exclusive event. It might even help them grow in terms of empathy.
IME, rules around this sort of thing vary by a school's culture. DS was in private school at this age. Cultural norm there was in include all children of that gender in the class while in lower school. By middle school, smaller parties were done by a few, but they tended to be more the the small sleepover.
Post by dancetheblues on Jan 21, 2016 20:05:43 GMT -5
Sorry, I obviously don't know how to quote and reply properly, but I need to ask: Cupcake0214, did you edit your post to change "went" to "gone" after Dickmove's comment? LOL!